parenting

3 Tips for Parenting Separately…Yet Successfully

By on June 29, 2010   /   parenting  

We are thrilled to welcome Divorce Coach, Christina McGhee, to our blog.  Christina specializes in helping separated and divorced parents raise happy and secure kids.

Figuring out how to take care of children after you separate is one of the most stressful aspects of divorce.

However, when decisions about your children’s future get handed over to the legal system, without a doubt, children will
suffer.

In order to stay in control of how life changes for your children, it’s important to be proactive and open-minded.

For the most successful outcome, keep the following three tips in mind: 

1. Avoid a cookie cutter approach to life after divorce. One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make is instead of making a plan that fits their children’s lives, they try to make their children lives fit a plan.

Do your best to base decisions around your CHILDREN’S needs.

What works for one family might not work for you. Before developing arrangements,
think about what life was like for your kids BEFORE the divorce. Ask yourself:

How will you maintain your child’s active relationship with both parents?

How will you provide them with flexible structure?

For example, if Dad took Billy to baseball practice every Tuesday and Thursday, then he should continue doing that. If Mom
picks up the kids every afternoon because Dad works till 6 o’clock, do your best to maintain those routines and connections
for your kids.

It may also help to put things into perspective and take a look at the big picture.

How will the choices you are making today affect your children’s lives one year from now, five years from now?

Bottom line: Think outside the box. Don’t limit your options to court based solutions.

2. Support a two home concept. Children benefit MOST when they feel connected to BOTH homes.

Don’t talk about one home as their “real” home and the other household as a place to visit.

If you can’t provide your children with their own room then create a special space where they can keep their things and find them when they’re with you.

It’s also important to avoid using legalese, ditch words like visit, visitation, custody, residential parent, non-residential parent, etc.

Instead talk about time with Mom, time with Dad, Mom’s house, Dad’s house and instead of custody arrangements use phrases like parenting schedules or parenting time.

3. Don’t be a broker of time. Arrangements should NOT be about fairly dividing the hours and minutes of your children’s day-to-day lives.

Avoid focusing exclusively on how much time Johnny is spending with you.  Instead, put your energy into thinking about how you will make Johnny’s time with you meaningful.

Parents often ask me if sharing equal time between homes is a good idea. My answer is usually that depends. Equal time in each household is not going to help your kids if they are living in the middle of a war zone.

The key to success is developing a relationship with your ex that places CHILDREN as the TOP priority.

That means having good communication skills and the ability to be flexible with one another.

Can you share information about school events and activities?

Can you talk to each other without arguing in front of the kids or being cold and stand-offish?

Are you willing to live in the same community to make things easier for your kids?

Will you be flexible with one another?

These are some of the factors that will dictate whether sharing equal time is good for kids.

Anything is possible when parents are able to let their feelings about each other take a backseat to making life work for
their kids.

About the Author

Christina McGhee

Christina McGhee is an internationally recognized divorce coach, speaker and author of the highly acclaimed book, Parenting Apart, How separated and divorced parents can raise happy and secure kids. For helpful articles and resources, visit: http://www.divorceandchildren.com.

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Getting Kids to Eat What the Family Eats…without Battles and Tantrums

By on June 17, 2010   /   parenting  

Getting kids to eat what the family eats – without battles and tantrums is a popular issue with parents. Positive Parenting Solutions offers these 3 strategies to avoid mealtime battles:

image of 2 boys eating lunch

Your kids probably believe you hold the power in your family…you call all the shots and make all the decisions. However, the three areas where parents have absolutely no control and children have the all the power are eating, sleeping and peeing/pooping! Try as we might, we can’t MAKE them eat, sleep or potty.

Kids hold the control in these areas and as a result they represent prime opportunities for toddler power struggles. Battles over eating, sleeping or pottying are a child’s way of saying, “Hey, you’re not the boss of me! You can’t MAKE me eat/sleep/potty!”

And he’s right! A parent can’t MAKE a child eat but the parent continues to try! And…the power struggle ensues. After repeated coaxing, reminding, and begging – the child understands that this is a very effective way to exert power over his parents.

The 3 best strategies to end the power struggles over eating are…

1. Get your toddler involved!

    • Allow your child to have input in planning the family menu for the week – encourage him to select the vegetable or fruit. For each meal, give your child a meaningful role in meal preparation. For young toddlers, it can be as simple as removing grapes from the stem or washing veggies. Older toddlers can contribute to more complex aspects of meal preparation – measuring, stirring, etc. The more your child is involved in the planning and preparation, the more invested he will be in the meal.

2. Make “eating” the CHILD’s problem not YOURS! When toddlers refuse to eat the family meal or have a tantrum about what is served, it usually invokes a response from the parent – either “coaxing” to get the child to “just try it” or a display of frustration or anger. This attention gives the child a huge “power payoff.” Instead, put the child on notice that “you are no longer going to badger him about what he eats.” Let him know that “he is ‘growing up’ and can choose to eat what is served or not – either way, you are fine with it. But – you won’t be serving any other food until the next normally scheduled snack or meal.” This becomes the logical consequence – the child will eat at dinner/lunch – or he will be hungry.

3. STOP any discussion about what he eats, or how much he eats. What he eats – is his problem, not yours. Plan a healthy meal and include at least one healthy item you know he will eat. Don’t ask him to try one bite, don’t encourage him to eat more. If he eats – that’s great. If not – he’ll be hungry. That’s fine too. (Children will not starve by missing one meal – I promise!) Let him know that dinner ends at 6:30 (or whatever time) and remove the plates from the table. (Otherwise, he will try to outlast you hoping that you will provide food that is more to his liking). If he played with his food and didn’t eat – he’ll have an opportunity to try again at the next meal.

If he has a tantrum because “he’s staaaarving” – be totally unconcerned and go about your business. Remember that he gets a “payoff” when you REACT to his tantrum. Remove the payoff by ignoring the tantrum. Remind him that humans can survive for days without food but be sure to drink water because he does need to hydrate! Don’t reward the tantrum with a snack or the behavior will continue the next day and beyond!

Comment below with what has worked well – or not so well – in your family.

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Toddler Behavior

By on June 13, 2010   /   parenting  

What Your Toddler Wishes You Knew About His Toddler Behavior

toddler behavior

As difficult as the Terrible Twos are for you, they’re even more frustrating for your toddler. Your little one can’t explain her toddler behavior, but if she could, she would say:

“Mom, Dad, I know you guys are really stressed right now. You’re frustrated and feel that nothing you try is working to change my toddler behavior. I know you’re overwhelmed and you really don’t want to yell at me all the time. You probably even wonder who stole your ‘little bundle of joy’. But, I’m trying let you know what I really need – but you’re not ‘getting it’! I’m trying to tell you that this toddler behavior that is frustrating you is in part because I need some power of my own. I’m starting to grow up and I need to do some things for myself. You do everything for me and make every decision for me. I’m not a baby anymore and my lack of behavior is leading to the toddler behavior that is frustrating for both of us.

Since I’m only a toddler and can’t quite put all of this into words, all I can do is whine, refuse to cooperate, act helpless and have tantrums and meltdowns. I’ve figured out that I can really get your attention when we’re in public. But the only toddler behavior I know is not working. You just think I’m going through the ‘Terrible Twos’. I get extremely frustrated so I do my “terrible twos” antics louder and more often just hoping you’ll get the picture. If you want me to change my toddler behavior, I need my own power. I need to feel independent and I need to make some of my own decisions.

I wish you would figure this out so I can stop this toddler behavior!”

Children don’t misbehave just to misbehave. They act out because they want something. They are probably receiving tons of attention from you but they also need power. Yes, believe it or not, they need power. It’s hard to understand that a toddler needs power…but they do. It’s part of the maturation process.

Positive Parenting Solutions will teach you why children misbehave, how you may be unknowingly making the misbehaviors worse and what you can do to bring the terrible twos to an end. You don’t have to “wait it out”.

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3 Things You Can Do Today to Minimize Backtalk…

By on January 25, 2010   /   parenting  

backtalk_facebookLast week I wrote about the reasons kids talk back. Here are 3 strategies for you to use to address backtalk.

1. Own YOUR role. Communication is a two-way street and parents have to “own” the role they play in the power struggle. Be aware of your communication style and minimize the amount of ordering, correcting and directing you do with your kids (and spouse!) To learn more about how your personality priority impacts power struggles, I encourage you to sign up for our free training.

2. Give power. Find ways to give your kids the positive power they NEED! Provide more choices, bring kids into family decision-making when appropriate – give them opportunities to have more control over their world. To a toddler, that may mean choosing between a Batman and Spiderman toothbrush; to a teenager, it may mean having more choices in which family chores he will do and how and when they’ll be done.

3. Chill. Don’t over-react to backtalk. Our kids bait us with backtalk to get a reaction. They use negative power behaviors and expect a power-response from you – that’s why they do it! When you get upset and respond with a “you WILL not talk to me that way, young man”, they SCORE with a power payoff.

Instead, get eye to eye and very CALMLY say, “I feel hurt when you speak to me that way. When I hear that tone of voice, I’m going to walk away. I’ll be happy to talk with you when we can speak to each other respectfully.”

Then – WALK AWAY! The next time it happens – don’t remind – don’t say a word! Just CALMLY walk away. It sends the message, “I won’t participate in this power struggle with you.”

If you’re just beginning to see sassy backtalk rear it’s ugly head or you are experiencing down-right defiance, the three solutions above will get you started towards a solution.

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Why Do Kids Talk Back?

By on January 22, 2010   /   accountability, parenting  
Girl standing on chair yelling through a megaphoneGirl standing on chair yelling through a megaphone

Girl standing on chair yelling through a megaphone

It’s enough to make any level-headed parent’s blood boil! “How dare she talk to me that way! Doesn’t she know I spent 15 hours in labor?”

In calmer moments, (deep breath) we can look at backtalk more objectively to understand WHY it happens and what we can do to correct it.

Is Backtalk Normal?

“Backtalk” is a broad term that refers to disrespectful responses from children. Depending on the age of the child, it can range from a toddler’s defiant “NO,” to rolling the eyes, to a full-blown shouting match, and even profanity.

It’s obvious that profanity can’t be tolerated, but what about the more subtle backtalk remarks? How do you know if backtalk is something you have to address or if it’s just your child’s normal progression towards independence?

All children (toddlers to teenagers) seek to exert their independence—it’s what they’re supposed to do. However, to determine if the backtalk you’re experiencing is something that needs to be corrected, apply the “litmus test” question…”Would it be okay for your child to respond in the same way in front of your friends, co-workers or your mother-in-law”?

In most cases, the answer is “no” and that tells us we have to be PROACTIVE in correcting the backtalk.

Join Amy for a FREE online Class

WHY Do Kids Talk Back?

Kids talk back for a variety of reasons. They may be testing their own power to see how far they can take it. They may feel disrespected by parents who overprotect or “boss” them around. Or, they may live in a home in which respectful communication isn’t a priority.

In the majority of cases, however, talking back is the child’s way of exerting his power and saying “you’re not the boss of me.”

We’re all hard-wired with a need for positive power—the ability to have some control over our lives. When we over-protect, over-demand, order, correct and direct…we stand in the way of our children achieving independence and personal power.

The only way our kids know how to respond is to fight back. It’s a basic fight or flight response—they can’t easily flee, so they fight back with backtalk, negotiating, arguing, stomping away, eye rolling, etc.

Now that you know it’s normal, check out the 5 steps to put the brakes on backtalk today!

If the power struggles in your home have gotten out of hand, I’m always here for you.

I’d love for you to join me for a FREE ONLINE CLASS. I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen—no nagging, yelling, or reminding required!

As always, happy parenting!

Title Image: Africa Studio/Shutterstock https://www.shutterstock.com/photo

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Shift the Power Struggle Paradigm

By on January 4, 2010   /   parenting  

little girl in a power struggle

The key to avoiding power struggles in the first place is to remember two very simple but important sentences:

“We can’t control another person. All we can control is ourselves and the environment.”

On the surface, this seems obvious, but it’s terrifically challenging in practice. Deep down, we really do want to “control” our kids and even our spouse. “If they would just do what I want them to do, things would go so much more smoothly around here!”

But, think about it, we are all hard-wired with a need for free will or personal power. We can’t “make” our kids sleep 10 hours, eat broccoli or study for science. Try as we might – these things are in “their” control, not ours.

We can’t make our spouse turn off lights, wipe out the sink or want to have more sex. These things are in his or her control, not ours. When we try to impose our will on another person – boom – we have a power struggle.

No one wants to be told what to do, when or how to do it. It is a recipe for a battle. The minute we begin ordering, correcting and directing our kids or our spouse, the fight or flight response kicks in. In most cases, they don’t flee – so they fight back. It’s human nature.

To avoid power struggles with the ones we love, we have to get our brain around the idea that we can’t control another person. But the good news is that we can control ourselves – how we respond to whining, back talk, tantrums, not listening, etc. We can decide to participate in the power struggle or disengage.

And, we can control the environment with improved routines, natural and logical consequences and training.

Action Item: I encourage you to look at the power struggles in your relationships and ask yourself…”Am I trying to be in control?” If you frequently have power struggles with those you love, look first at yourself.

I’m not suggesting the power struggle paradigm shift is easy, but it is absolutely necessary to avoid power struggles and encourage cooperation and open communication with the ones you love. Positive Parenting Solutions Online is here to help.

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