parenting

New Years Resolutions

By on January 1, 2010   /   parenting  

New Years Resolutions. I just hate them. I don’t even make them anymore. I have no plans to go back to the gym after the first of the year because I can’t bear to be the recipient of the stares that come from the “real work out moms.” I am committed to becoming healthier in 2010 – more sleep, drinking more water and less Diet Coke and exercising more than I did in 2009 (that won’t be hard to beat)! :)

As much as I hate “fitness” New Years Resolutions, I am going to encourage each of you to make just one “parenting” resolution this year. There are so many Positive Discipline tools to share, but I’m going to suggest just 3 and I encourage you to pick ONE of them. By committing yourself to any one them, you’ll begin to see a noticeable difference in attention-seeking behaviors like whining, helplessness, clinging, etc. And, you notice a decrease in power-seeking behaviors like tantrums, back talk, “attitude”, etc. So, these are win-win resolutions – you’ll feel better about your parenting efforts and you’ll notice a payoff in your child’s behavior.

Here they are…my top 3 suggestions for Positive Discipline New Years Resolutions:

    *ONE-ON-ONE TIME each day with each child. This is one of the most important things you can do to decrease attention-seeking behaviors and to encourage cooperation. By filling your child’s attention basket each day with POSITIVE attention, you’ll begin to see more positive behavior. This doesn’t have to be a big deal – just commit to spend 10 minutes per day with each child of one-one-one time when your child has your UNDIVIDED attention – preferably doing something he/she likes to do.

    *Commit to using your CALM VOICE! This requires intention and I recommend putting post-it note reminders around the house to keep “calm voice” top of mind. When you focus on using your calm voice – even when you are frustrated or angry – you’ll be amazed at how your kids and your spouse will respond! Kids follow our lead and when we’re calm – they’re calm.

    *Evaluate your ROUTINES. Pick one routine – morning, after school or bedtime and re-tool where necessary. Make sure the “new and improved” routine is clearly communicated and everyone is on board. Be sure to allow plenty of time. For example, to reduce the morning dawdling that starts the day off with a lot of stress, get up 15 minutes earlier to be ready before your kids wake up. It’s worth it for everyone to leave the house without a power struggle.

A new decade means new possibilities for all of us. My kids are 14 and almost 12 and I swear I can’t believe where the time has gone.

Those of you who are in our online parenting classes know that I ask parents to think about how their kids would finish this sentence as they look back on their childhood…”My mother/father always ______________.”

For me, I want my kids to say…”My mom loved her job as ‘our mom’ more than anything the world.” That is the truth and I hope my attitudes and actions reflect that for my family in 2010.

Happy New Year to all of you. Thank you for the time you spend with Positive Parenting Solutions each week. It is a privilege to help any way we can.

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Children Whine?

By on December 30, 2009   /   parenting  

Why do children whine?

children whineWhy do children whine? Because it works! When children whine, parent’s instinctual reaction is to respond to the whining child.

I always tell parents whining is a learned behavior and parents are the teachers. It begins when they are infants. They cry because they’re hungry, tired, or need a diaper change and we respond. As they become more verbal and are able to use their words to communicate many of their wants and needs, we continue to respond to whining. At the point when they are fully capable of communicating with their words – we continue to respond but usually with an irritated tone or a reprimand such as, “please don’t whine”, “use your big girl voice” or “I’m not going to answer you when you whine.” (Guess what – you just did?)

Even though the attention we provide as a result of whining isn’t necessarily positive – they still get a “hit” of attention. What they really want is our positive attention, but in the absence of positive attention, they’ll take the negative attention every time.

To put an end to whining, we have to make sure we’re giving plenty of positive attention when they aren’t asking for it. (Proactively fill their attention basket in positive ways.)

To remove the payoff for negative demands for attention such as whining, don’t respond – just walk away. This works for children ages 1-18! Instead of saying “use your big boy voice” – don’t say a thing! NO WORDS! When you hear the whiny tone, just turn around and calmly walk away. He will get the message that “a whiny voice doesn’t help me get what I want.”

Here’s the deal…children WILL have their needs for attention met – one way or another. If we don’t fill their attention baskets in positive ways – they will use negative attention-seeking behaviors. They know it works and that’s why they continue it!

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Good Parent Sportsmanship

By on September 25, 2009   /   parenting  

The line between being a supportive, engaged, sports-loving parent and applying too much pressure on kids is easily crossed. To avoid embarrassing your child and making him/her feel more pressure than he/she already feels about playing the game – we recommend these strategies:

During the Game

Avoid criticizing referees. This teaches the child to have a victim mentality and reinforces that it’s okay to blame others for his/her performance. Even if the call is wrong, the referee is doing his/her best.

Use ENCOURAGING comments during the game. Save constructive feedback for one-on-one discussions with your child after the emotion of the game has passed.

Avoid coaching from the sidelines. Nothing frustrates a coach more than when a parent yells, “shoot the ball” when the play intended for your child to “pass the ball

Show unconditional support. Immediately following the game – win or lose – put your arm around your child and give encouraging feedback.

After the Game

Focus on effort and improvement versus winning or losing. If the child believes it’s all about winning – he may come to believe he can never please you. Comment on the improvement since the beginning of the season or since last year. Acknowledge how his/her extra practice is showing on the field. footballThe child will naturally bring up the topic of whether the team won or lost. Celebrate wins – but tie them to specific behaviors. What did your team do (or did you do) that contributed to the win? Same thing for losses – what could your team/you do differently next time?

Counter-balance your child’s complaints about the referee. Remind the child that both teams had the same referee and like players, some referees are more skilled and experienced than others. It’s part of playing sports.

Come Clean. If you do “lose it” during a game, come clean with your child after the game. Let him/her know that you were frustrated/angry with the referee/the other team, etc. – but it is NOT OKAY to demonstrate that frustration/anger with yelling and behaving poorly from the sidelines.

This teaches your child that feelings are okay – but the way you express those feelings is not always okay. Apologize for embarrassing your child (even if he says he wasn’t embarrassed – assume he was) and reinforce that this is an area you are working on improving. You will earn great respect in the your child’s eyes by “coming clean.”

There’s a lot to cheer for when it comes to athletics. Not only do our kids develop a sense of teamwork and stay in shape, they develop traits such as responsibility, accountability and resilience. Follow these tips to be your child’s biggest fan on and off the field.

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Take your Kids out for “Date Night”

By on July 10, 2009   /   mind body & soul time, parent - child relationship, parenting  

mother and son photo

When I mention “date night” to my husband, he gets a very happy look on his face! In this article, I’m talking about a different kind of date – one between you and your child.

I encourage you to “schedule dates” with your children on a regular basis. A “date” is defined as a “one-on-one outing between parent and child.”

That’s ONE parent and ONE child. The benefits to date nights/days with your kids are as follows:

  • While family time is important also – one-on-one dates give the child an opportunity to have mom or dad ALL to himself. He doesn’t have to compete with a sibling or your spouse for your time and attention. It’s a HUGE dose of positive attention!
  • The “outing” gets you “out of the house” and away from the distractions/demands of the home and office and allows you to focus on each other.
  • Strengthens the relationship between parent and child
  • Provides memories that the child will remember into adulthood

A date night doesn’t have to be elaborate or cost a lot of money. It can be going to a park or taking a hike.

There are only three “requirements” for your date night/day:

  • planned in advance – gives you and the child something special to talk about and look forward to
  • the location is “out of the house”
  • something the child will enjoy doing

Today (Friday), Brent and I are going on a date to Sbarro for lunch (his fav) and to the new LEGO store at our local mall! (He has birthday money burning a hole in his wallet!)

I sent him this silly “email invitation” earlier this week:

Dear Brent,

I would be honored if you would join me on Friday, July 10th for lunch at Sbarro and a trip to the new Lego Store at Crabtree Mall.

Can we make it a date?

Please RSVP if you can attend.

Cordially yours, Your loving mother

Here was his response to my invitation:

Totally with a capital T, I can’t wait!

And another email yesterday:

Hi Mommy,

I can’t wait for tomorrow. It’s going to be a blast. Thanks for taking me.

Love, Brent

mother and son photo

I encourage you to plan a date with each of your children. If you have several children – have one date per week and rotate them throughout the month. Your kids will love it and you will be creating memories they will keep forever!

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3 Great Reasons to Play With Your Kids

By on July 9, 2009   /   mind body & soul time, parent - child relationship, parenting  
Young girl playing with a hula hoopYoung girl playing with a hula hoop

Young girl playing with a hula hoop

When you were young and imagined what life would be like with kids, what did you picture?

If you’re like me, you envisioned playing games with them, taking family adventures, and teaching them how to ride a bike.

You imagined laughter shared around a dinner table and snuggles at bedtime.

You imagined reading books together and sharing heartfelt conversations.

But then, children arrived.

And somewhere between our perpetual exhaustion and unending frustration with their misbehaviors, those idyllic dreams of parenthood flew right out the window.

And instead of looking forward to playing a game at the end of the day with our kids, we LONG for bedtime and a minute to ourselves.

So instead of being excited to play with them, we are overjoyed when our children are able to play independently or play nicely with a sibling.

Breathing room! A few minutes to yourself!

FREEDOM (well, almost).

I get it! I’ve walked in those exhausted shoes! And it IS a wonderful thing when kids are independent enough to play on their own. And, it’s important for their development.

What’s also important, however, is to make sure we play WITH our kids on a daily basis.

You know…eye-to-eye, on the floor, forgetting about your to-do list, not having another care in the world except having fun with your child.

“Play” is whatever your child likes to do for fun. Toddler time can be tossing a ball, finger painting, or breaking out the blocks. Teen time might be a round of Uno, a turn at an Xbox game, or playing catch in the backyard.

In case you need a little convincing, here are 3 great reasons to play WITH your kids…

1. It’s a Chance to Create an Emotional Connection

Much of the daily interaction between parents and kids consists of “ordering, correcting, and directing.”

Drink your milk.
It’s time to take your bath.
Stop hitting your sister.
(Fill in your favorite here.)

When parents order, correct, and direct, they are operating from the “Parent Ego State” (telling someone else what to do) and this type of interaction often invites the “fight” response in our kids, resulting in power struggles.

When parents play on the floor and have fun with their kids – both the parent and child are operating in the “Child Ego State.” The child ego state is where emotional connections are made.

It doesn’t require a long time to create emotional bonds – but being INTENTIONAL about spending playtime each day with your child in the “child ego state” will do wonders for strengthening emotional connections. You’ll also create memories you’ll both treasure forever.

free amy mccready parenting class

2. You’ll Have Fewer Attention-Seeking Misbehaviors

When parents play WITH their children, they proactively fill the child’s attention basket in positive ways.

Children have a hard-wired need for attention. If parents don’t provide sufficient POSITIVE attention, children will resort to negative behaviors to get it such as whining, clinging, helplessness, sibling fighting, etc.

When parents implement consistent playtime WITH their children – attention-seeking misbehaviors begin to fall off the radar screen!

3. You’ll Have More Cooperative Children

As parents fill attention baskets in positive ways and emotional connection increases, children consistently become MORE COOPERATIVE at other times during the day!

When the child’s core emotional requirements for connection and attention are met, he or she doesn’t feel the need to “fight us” to get negative attention and is more cooperative when asked to do things throughout the day. Now that’s a beautiful thing!

Life gets busy – sometimes crazy busy –  and it feels like there’s not enough time left in the day to get it all done – playtime included.

What I can promise you though…is that when you take just 15 minutes a day to fill up those emotional buckets for your kids – you’ll actually have MORE time, because you’ll be saving yourself from power struggles, sibling battles, chore wars, and the rest!

How’s that for a win-win?

Final Thoughts

Fostering the habit of playing with your children is a great first step in changing your child’s behavior. But trust me, I know it’s not a cure-all for the wide range of frustrating behaviors you may be experiencing.

That’s exactly why I create the Positive Parenting Solutions Course and filled it with 37+ tools to help parents handle even the trickiest power struggles.

If you don’t know where to begin on this positive parenting journey, I’d love for you to JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS. In just one hour, I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen — no nagging, yelling, or reminding required.

As always, I’m wishing you all the best on your parenting journey, and I’m here for you whenever you need it!

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Can I borrow $25?

By on March 4, 2009   /   mind body & soul time, parenting  

This sounds like a strange heading doesn’t it?  Well, read on and you’ll understand why.

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

“Daddy, may I ask you a question?”

“Yeah sure, what is it?” replied the man

“Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”

“That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?” the man asked angrily.

“I just want to know. Please tell me…how much do you make an hour?”

“If you must know, I make $50 an hour.”

“Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.

“Daddy, may I please borrow $25?”

The father was furious. “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. I don’t work hard everyday to put up with such selfishness.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and closed the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. “How dare he ask such questions only to get some money”, he thought to himself.

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:

“Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really doesn’t ask for money very often”. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.

“Are you asleep, son?” He asked.

“No daddy, I’m awake”, replied the boy.

“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the man.

“It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the $25 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. “Oh, thank you daddy!” he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.

The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the father grumbled.

“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

“Daddy, I have $50 now…can I buy an hour of your time?  Please come home early tomorrow.  I would like to have dinner with you.”

The father was devastated. As he eyes welled up with tears, he put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness and scheduled dinner for the next evening.

-Author Unknown

This is just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life.  We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us…those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with your children.

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

If you have gone through Positive Parenting Solutions Online, you know the power of MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® togetherness, the difference it can make in your child’s life and how those misbehaviors disappear as you fill their attention baskets.

If you have not yet enrolled in Positive Parenting Solutions Online, take a closer look at what you will learn and how it will make a difference in your life and in the relationship you have with your children.  MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® connection is just one of over 25 tools you will learn.

YOU are the greatest gift you can ever give them.

Thank you for the commitment you are making to your family!

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