Times are tough, and some days it seems that we live in an increasingly “What’s in it for me?” society. Worse, we see it in our kids, too–they won’t so much as empty the dishwasher without trying to bargain for some extra TV time. What does a parent have to do to get good behavior and a child who’s willing to help out?
The best solution? Quit rewarding your kids for behavior you should be able to expect. For instance, a child should not need a candy bar to make it through the grocery store without a tantrum, or a movie ticket as motivation to study for a test. And if we give our kids treats for such things, why would we expect these kinds of accomplishments in the future without offering yet another–probably steeper–reward?
Worse, plenty of studies have shown that kids who are rewarded actually lose interest in the activity they’re being rewarded for, from preschoolers making art to older kids reading. Yikes!
What does all this mean? In a nutshell, you’re doing your child no favor by doling out treats for his accomplishments or behavior. Instead, you’re setting him up for a “What’s in it for me?” attitude down the road.
By making a few changes, however, you can help your child develop a healthier mindset when it comes to good behavior and a “can-do” attitude.
Here are a few things that will help:
1. Develop When-Then Routines
Schedule key parts of your children’s day so that when they’ve completed the not-fun stuff (emptying the dishwasher, completing homework, practicing the piano), then they can do the fun stuff (join the family for dinner, play with their friends or enjoy their allotted TV time). This isn’t a reward – it’s placing the less desirable activity before the more enjoyable parts of your daily routine.
2. Use Encouragement to Foster Internal Motivation
Be sure to notice your child’s hard work, good manners or helpful spirit–and tell her how much you appreciate these things. Then watch her beam with pride!
3. Use Consequences to Enforce Positive Behavior
When you’ve told your kids what kind of behavior you expect–whether that means picking up their toys before dinner or returning home before curfew–make sure they understand what happens if they fail to follow through.
If you regularly use rewards with your kids, the idea of stopping them could be daunting. But trust that they’ll do just fine under the new system.
To start, let your kids know that since they’re growing up, they don’t need sticker charts and other rewards anymore. Express confidence in their ability to cooperate without these treats. Hold a family meeting to discuss individual responsibilities, and then develop a when-then routine to help your kids get off on the right track. Make sure they know the consequences they’ll face for negative behavior.
With a little tweaking, your home can be one that’s free from the “What’s in it for me?” mindset. Even better, your kids will develop into the caring, responsible adults you know they can be.
For more strategies to raise responsible, respectful, un-entitled kids, join us for a FREE online class:Get Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling.
Whether it’s daily childcare or just the occasional Saturday night date, one of the greatest stress inducers for parents is trusting the sitter you’ve arranged to watch your children.
The younger the children, the higher the anxiety and stress. However, if the grandparents are available, the anxiety disappears. Right?
For those lucky enough to have parents or in-laws nearby to help, this caretaker relationship can have problems of its own, and it’s a completely different dynamic than a paid babysitter (even if you pay your parents to watch your kids).
For one, Grandma may have different ideas about discipline and routines than Mom does. This contributes to tension building between the two adults, plus the child may be living with two sets of rules and become adept at pitting one caretaker against the other.
Additionally, if Grandma and Grandpa are on duty all week, they may feel like they miss out on getting to be the one to “spoil” their grandchildren (after all, they’ve already paid their dues the first time around!), while Mom feels bad because she has to be the heavy and the grandparents get to be the heroes.
Even if grandparents simply play the role of an occasional babysitter, you’re still likely to face the occasional disagreement about anything from handling misbehavior to potty training.
But don’t worry, you really can create a care-taking situation that becomes the best of both worlds.
Here are 3 guidelines to avoid potential problems so everyone feels good about the arrangement:
1. Create a short list of non-negotiables
The truth is, Mom needs to feel confident that certain priorities will be taken care of every day.
And Grandma needs some flexibility to adhere to her own personal style.
A list of 3-5 non-negotiables can help. Mom gets the peace of mind that her 2-year-old is taking a nap every day from 1:00 – 3:00 (and won’t be a total grump for the entire evening), while Grandma feels free to decide what they do for naptime routine, for instance.
2. Sit down for a weekly review
Once a week, sit down briefly to discuss what went well that week and what issues or challenges each caregiver faced.
For instance, if Ben has been hitting lately, or Emma has developed a fear of Grandma’s cat, you can create a plan together, without finger-pointing, to address each challenge.
One of the surest ways to proactively prevent a power struggle is to help kids learn how to do some real-world tasks for themselves, from tying their shoes to packing their own lunch. Grandpa may be a natural to teach these skills, as he may have more time and patience than Mom or Dad.
Grandparents will feel proud of helping to contribute to their grandchild’s independence, while your child will feel empowered in her new capabilities.
3. Have a plan for disagreements
Chances are, you and Grandma will face disagreements about childcare from time to time. And these issues can be difficult to raise–after all, many kid-related topics can be quite emotionally charged within families, more so than with a paid caretaker (even if Grandma is paid).
To give yourself a head start on successful resolution, agree in advance on a plan for handling disagreements, and practice good communication.
For instance, it’s best to stay away from statements like “You never…” or “You always…,” which can put a person on the defensive. Instead, use “I feel” messages.
That may sound like, “I feel that you are undermining my parenting when you disregard the bedtime sleep routine,” or “I feel like you don’t respect my time when you come home late from work without calling to let me know.”
A carefully worded and respectful statement will go a long way in starting a productive conversation.
Then work on solutions. Once everyone has shared their concerns, brainstorm a list of ways to solve the problem. Discuss which solution is in the best interest of your child first, and then the other parties involved. After you implement the solution, make sure to talk about its success (or not) in your Weekly Review.
Final Thoughts
With careful planning and lots of communication, your child will reap the benefits of Grandma or Grandpa’s loving care–and you’ll get to enjoy your career or your night out with fewer worries. Best of all, you can keep family dynamics positive for everyone involved.
If you’re in need of more discipline strategies that work –and that can be easily shared with grandparents–I’d love for you to JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS!
In one hour, I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen without nagging, yelling, or losing control. The great news is you can easily share these tools with Grandma and Grandpa so everyone can be on the same page!
As always, I’m wishing you all the best on your parenting journey!
Title image: Eastfenceimage/ Shutterstock https://www.shutterstock.com/photos
Earlier this week, we posted ideas submitted by our Positive Parenting Solutions Facebook Fans on how to foster an attitude of gratitude this holiday season. Listed below are even more ideas on how to shift the focus from getting to giving over the holidays.
Limit TV Time before the holidays! You can’t control advertisers from marketing to your kids – but you can control how much exposure your kids have to those advertisements. Limiting how much time they spend in front of the TV will limit (not eliminate) the exposure they have to all of the latest and greatest ads intended to woo our kids.
Manage the gift expectations. Talk to your kids about their wish lists and have them force rank the gifts they love the most. Then – set a limit. If you’re celebrate Hanukkah – one gift on each of the 8 nights makes it easy. If you celebrate Christmas – set a limit – either in the number of gifts for younger kids or a dollar amount for older kids. Try to make an agreement with extended family to purchase only one gift per child. (This can be tricky – but if the whole family is on board – they may be more likely to go along.)
Focus on the real meaning of the holiday. Gifts are one part of the holiday experience – but teach your kids about WHY you celebrate that holiday. What does it mean to your faith? Why are gifts part of the holiday and what do they represent? Then – shift the focus to giving. Spend the majority of your holiday preparations on the joy of giving to others. Encourage your kids to create gifts for family and friends – or give non-material gifts like coupons for breakfast in bed, a weekend of yard work, a back massage – what ever would be meaningful to that person. Adopt a family through your place of worship or school and get everyone involved in making the holiday more special for that family.
Role-play HOW to show gratitude. Practice the words to use when someone gives them a gift or shows kindness. Help them practice showing gratitude for the thought or the effort behind the gift, not just the gift. “That was so thoughtful of you to find something pink because you know that’s my favorite color.”
Have them send handwritten thank you notes within 1 day of receiving a gift. (Sorry, but emails don’t cut it!) Provide training on HOW to write thank you notes. Set a minimum number of sentences for their thank you notes…example – 2nd grade: at least 2 sentences. 3rd grade: 3 sentences.
Limit gift giving throughout the year. Kids who have everything don’t appreciate gifts as much. Be very careful of overindulging your kids throughout the year. We recommend that parents buy new toys/stuff only on holidays and birthdays. Other than that, kids over the age of 4 should have an allowance and pay for their own toys. During the holidays, limit the number of gifts for each child. The more gifts they receive, the less special each one becomes.
Count your blessings as a family. Make counting blessings part of your mealtime ritual or bedtime ritual. As kids get older, encourage them to keep a daily gratitude journal. Being intentional about gratitude is a daily reminder about how lucky we are.
Let kids SEE how lucky they are. Ongoing lectures about “you don’t know how good you have it” only makes their eyes roll. Get out into the community with your kids and serve food in a soup kitchen, adopt a family during the holidays, or visit kids who are in homeless shelters so they can SEE how fortunate they really are.
Model gratitude. Take time to show gratitude yourself. Thank your kids and your spouse for their helpful and thoughtful acts. Show random acts of gratitude to the cashier, the person who makes your coffee at Starbucks, and the drycleaner. Modeling gratitude yourself will make your kids more likely to adopt an attitude of gratitude.
What other ways do you teach your kids about the importance of giving and gratitude? Please leave a comment so others can learn from you! Happy Holidays from Positive Parenting Solutions. We are truly grateful for you!
We tend to think about gratitude more around the holidays but a growing body of research suggests that maintaining an attitude of gratitude all year long can improve psychological, emotional and physical well-being. Research from the Greater Good Science Center tells us that gratitude actually blocks toxic emotions even as it allows us to celebrate the present. What’s more, folks with a grateful heart are more stress-resistant and have a higher sense of self-worth. That’s got to be good for our kids, right?
For this post, we asked our Positive Parenting Solutions Facebook community for even more ideas on how they foster an attitude of gratitude with their kids during the holidays and throughout the year.
Here are some of their responses:
We have had a mason jar in our family room with a little square pad of paper and a pen next to it for years. We write notes
and then fold them up and stuff them into the jar. Then, on New Years Eve, we dump the jar and read all the little
notes from the year.
We purchased $5 gift cards to pass out randomly to a great cashier at the grocery store or someplace where the service has
been great…these people are often overlooked. We are also going to bring a box of treats and gift cards to
our local community outreach for the people who work there…since they give SO much of their time and devotion
to others, often on a volunteer basis.
Dinnertime conversation. Each person tells something about their day and we ask what their favorite part of their day was.
Now it is such a ritual that in the morning when I send them off I tell them to “look for their favorites” throughout
the day. They understand this and want to have something new to tell. But, for all of us, if we look for things
to be grateful for we will find that we are living in gratitude and joy.
Less is more! My kids don’t have hordes of toys, and we keep holiday and birthday gifts pretty low-key. I’ve found that with
less “stuff,” they’re more grateful for what they do have. I’m also trying to be better at finding ways to serve
others with my kids. There are so many opportunities out there, especially this time of year! Giving trees, soup
kitchens, you name it. Big or small. We gave some money and a pair of gloves to a homeless man and his dog on
our way to the grocery store a few days ago, and it had more of an impact on my five-year-old than I ever thought
it would.
We each have a notebook in our nightstands and at bedtime we each write (or dictate, age appropriate of course) 3 things
we are thankful for. Sometimes the kids can only muster 1, and I’m happy with that. It’s usually stuff like “ketchup”
or “birthdays” but sometimes it’s meaningful. (And I’m glad they appreciate ketchup! Lol!)
Every time they find a penny or coin say something they are grateful for. Um…it helps if hide some around the house randomly.
Or in the car or underwear drawer…etc.
Our family meetings start with us saying what each person is grateful for about another person at the table.
We clean out their toys every year, right before we decorate for Christmas, and donate them. I cap my children at
4 toys each year for Christmas and one item for their birthday. Making a lasting memorable holiday isn’t about
that one morning, when they open all their gifts. It’s about ice-skating as a family, or getting hot cocoa before
you go picking the tree together and Christmas movie nights snuggled on the couch… That’s what my husband and
I do with our two girls. We truly want these memories to last a lifetime. And I believe kids will see and eventually
appreciate what they have.
Kids must use all their allowance from November and December to make or purchase gifts for others. Visiting a nursing
home to see people who don’t have visitors on Christmas Eve.
I tell him about good things that happen to me, and to us and about how happy I am.
All my kids are teens and on Facebook. At the beginning of November, I reposted this status: “You are challenged
to put something in your status that you are thankful for everyday from November 1st thru Thanksgiving. (or November
through December – or any timeframe for that matter!) This challenge is designed… to remind you just how blessed
you are, and no matter what, how much you have to be thankful for! Will you repost and join the challenge?” My
kids even “liked” some of my statuses. It was so much fun trying to come up with something different each day,
I didn’t want it to end.
Have them make or do something for those less fortunate. Have them write “thank you” cards. Remind them that people
are giving gifts to them, they don’t HAVE to, so each present opened should receive a “thank you”. Giving them
less and focusing on the real meaning of Christmas.
I try every year to get my two daughters, age 8 and 3 years old, to participate in charity. Such as “Samaritan’s Purse Operation Christmas Child” for Christmas. You fill it with small items, toys and toiletries, which are then taken to other
countries… where children are in need. Letting my girls pick out these small items, gender specific, definitely
gives them an understanding that this is the season for “giving”.
I’m going to sponsor a child through Sharefish for each of my children, that way they can feel proud of helping another
child and I’ll have them send letters and drawings to them as well so they can develop a bond. I will explain
to them that for the price of a new Wii game they can help a child go to school and have food for a month.
We are grateful for YOU – our loyal Positive Parenting Solutions community. Thank you for sharing your ideas to foster an
attitude of gratitude and thank you for doing the hard work to be the best parent you can be for your precious kiddos!
Children of all ages – toddlers and pre-schoolers thru tweens and teens – throw tantrums. It may be a bedtime battle, disagreement over your food selection or a fight over homework. It may be a tantrum in public or the “quiet” of you home. How parents respond will determine if the tantrum escalates and how often the tantrums reappear.
1. Reasoning with a child who’s in the midst of a tantrum. I call this, “Talking him down off the ledge”. We all have done at one time or another. It sounds something like this…”It’s okay, everything will be alright, calm down, stop crying, let’s go play with your train, let me help you, let’s get a drink of water, etc.”
The problem with this is a tantrum-throwing child is in a state of high-emotion and is not in a position to rationally consider your suggestions. Further, the ongoing verbal feedback you provide only reinforces the behavior and reassures the child that a tantrum is a very effective strategy to get attention!
2. Being firm and then giving in. Sometimes, we just can’t tolerate it any longer. The wailing, the thrashing, the unhappiness. While you know you should remain firm, sometimes parents just don’t have the stomach for an Oscar-winning tantrum and eventually give in. Unfortunately, this proves to the child that with some persistence on their part, you’ll eventually cave if she continues the tantrum long enough.
3. Adding fuel to the fire. A temper tantrum is a power-seeking behavior. When parents respond with a “power reprimand”, they add fuel to the fire and the tantrum continues and even escalates. When we lose our temper, physically try to stop the tantrum or spank the child, it proves to him that his tantrum is a great way to upset us, thus exerting his power. While he may not like the “power reprimand” response on your part, it does serve his goal for seeking power – even if it’s negative power.
This post will address what you should do for kids OVER the age of 3.
Hitting and other aggressive behaviors may be frustrating with younger kids (under age 3) but with older kids who should “know better”- it’s hard not to feel livid!
But before we lose all our marbles and overreact to their displays of aggression, let’s take a moment to pause.
Instead of seeing their aggression as a precursor to becoming a life-long bully, we need to look at these behaviors as a sign our child could use some training in impulse-control strategies.
The worst thing we can do, in fact, is label our child as “bad,” “violent” or “aggressive”–this will only discourage the child and make the behavior more likely to happen
again.
However, there are several things you can do beforehand, in the moment and after an incident to help ensure aggressive behaviors will be a thing of the past.
Set your child up for success
DO make sure kids are well-rested.
They’ll be more likely to control their impulses positively if they’ve had enough sleep (aren’t we all?).
DON’T overstay a visit.
When kids are at the end of their rope on a visit that’s longer than they can realistically handle, they may be more likely to act out with aggression.
DON’T skip naps or rest time.
Playdates and family visits will go much better when the child has had a little quiet time to regroup and rest her body–whether she sleeps or not.
DO fill your child’s attention basket daily.
Provide positive attention daily. Take time each day to get into their world, on their terms, to build emotional connections and calm the child’s impulses to lash out.
DO teach positive conflict-resolution strategies.
When kids know how to use strategies such as “I feel” statements, walking away, ignoring, finding a compromise, and more, they won’t feel the need to resort to hitting.
DO get involved at the first sign of aggression.
If your child is negotiating with words, let it play out. But once the fists get raised, step in immediately to help your child calm down and find a more peaceful resolution. This may require keeping a particularly close eye on your child for a while.
When it comes to sibling’s fighting, however, there’s a lot more to it. Be sure to check out my tips here for when sibling fights turn physical.)
DO encourage your kids when they stay peaceful.
When you see your child manage their emotions without hitting, point it out. Say, “You really kept yourself under control when you were frustrated with your friend. I know that was hard. You’re really growing up!”
DO allow plenty of physical activity.
Some kids are just more physical than others and need to move. By encouraging movement in a positive way, such as practicing goal kicks, they’ll release some of that pent-up need to
move and be less likely to take it out on a playmate.
DO model peaceful communication.
The more respectful our environment at home, the less likely our kids will be to turn to aggression. Use kindness and respect, and train all your kids to do the same, and the levels of
aggression-inducing stress and frustration will decrease.
In the moment
DON’T spank or slap a child for hitting.
Doing so reinforces that hitting is okay and models exactly the behavior you’re trying to stop.
DON’T punish.
Our focus should be to help the child learn positive ways to manage their big emotions. Punishing the child, telling him he is “bad” or embarrassing him in front of others only furthers his discouragement
and makes future aggression more likely.
DON’T worry about other opinions.
It’s tough to parent in front of an audience but whether you find yourself dealing with aggression at the park or your “perfect” sister’s house, tune everyone else out. Focus on your child–not your reputation or others’ suggestions–while being respectful to those in the vicinity.
DO remain calm.
It’s understandable to be upset when your child hits you or another child, but you’ll get better results by staying calm.
Not only does an explosive reaction give your child a big dose of attention and power for negative behavior, which only serves to reinforce it, but you’ll put her on the defensive. By staying calm, however, you’ll show your kids that you’re in control of your own conduct and are able to help them with theirs.
DO make sure the injured party is okay.
If your child is calm enough to do so, include your child in this process so she can begin to learn empathy and how her actions make another person feel.
If she is not calm enough, model empathy by making sure the injured party is okay, but keep your child close so he doesn’t feel shut out.
If necessary, gently (and without anger) remove your child from the immediate situation so you can help her calm down without the distraction of others.
DO provide empathy and boundaries.
Let your child know you understand her big emotions, then separate the feeling from the behavior. Say, “Wow, you look angry/frustrated/mad/upset. But it’s not okay to hit when you are mad.”
Practice for next time
In a calm moment…
DO role-play typical scenarios.
With your child, practice how to respond without hitting – using words, asking an adult for help, walking away, etc.
DO practice strategies for calming down.
With your child, decide on a technique your child can use to calm down when she’s feeling angry or frustrated. Consider belly breathing, counting to 10, or anything else you and your child can think of.
DO create a super-secret non-verbal signal.
This is a sign you can show when things start to get tense to remind your child to use the strategies you practiced rather than resorting to aggression.
DO recognize impulse control is difficult for kids.
And it’s even more difficult for kids with ADHD and other differences. Have patience and remember that training is an ongoing process.
Final Thoughts
While facing your child’s aggression may feel like the end of the world, it isn’t. Take heart that you can use this challenging time as an opportunity to practice peaceful impulse control strategies that will help your child now and far into the future.
Just remember, hitting is the SYMPTOM of a bigger problem. Once you get to the root of the issue, you’ll be able to solve it in no time.
If you’d like to learn more discipline strategies that work, I’d love for you to JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS. In it, I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen–no nagging, yelling or reminding required!
As always, I’m wishing you the best on your parenting journey!
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