parenting

When introducing children to a new family dynamic, one thing is certain…

Kids will naturally test the waters.

Whether it’s adding a new baby into the mix, a stay-at-home parent re-entering the workforce, or going through the process of divorce–no matter the circumstances, changes like these rock everyone’s worlds (kids and adults alike). And when worlds are shaken, pushback is to be expected.

Still, nothing can quite compare to the radical shift that occurs when two families blend together to become one. 

If this is a venture you’re embarking on, you know that navigating the murky waters of stepparenting isn’t for the faint of heart. From getting to know your new stepchildren to establishing your place in an already-formed family, it may feel like an uphill battle lies before you. And a long one at that.

In fact, bestselling author, therapist, and blended family expert Ron L. Deal from Smart Stepfamilies says, “The average blended family needs between five and seven years to merge and form a shared identity.”

Naturally, you have hundreds of questions running through your mind right now. But I’m willing to bet there’s one question that stands out above all others. And it’s a question stepparents have been asking for years…

Am I allowed to discipline my stepchildren?

As a parenting educator, I hear this question…a lot! Sometimes it comes from parents taking my FREE PARENTING WEBINAR. Other times it’s brought up by those who have already signed up for the 7-Step Parenting Success System® course.

While I’d love to give you a straightforward, cut-and-dry answer, this is a complicated topic. And learning how to navigate this new territory is just one of many hurdles blended families have to overcome.

But just because it’s complicated doesn’t mean it’s impossible! 

If you genuinely want to know if you can discipline your new children, the answer is yes–but only alongside the proper tools that nurture your budding relationship. 

However, before we get to the relationship building, the first critical step is to understand what discipline even means. 

So let’s discuss…

What is Discipline?

From a Positive Parenting Solutions perspective, the main goal of discipline should always be to bring out the absolute best in your kids! Sure, they may exhibit less-than-ideal behaviors, but they are not less-than-ideal children. 

They only need to be shown how to behave properly (with you leading the way).

Now, this doesn’t mean you have to be an overly permissive or strictly punitive stepparent. In fact, I don’t recommend either of those options. Instead, seek to properly train your stepchildren. When misbehaviors arise, they can learn and grow from the experience. 

Of course, parents and stepparents alike often find themselves stuck, confusing two very different concepts: punishment and discipline.

To be clear, when discussing discipline, we are NOT talking about punishment. 

Dr. Jane Nelsen–the mother of Positive Discipline–best-described punishment as anything that causes a child to feel blame, shame, or pain. It relies on using negative feelings to end negative behavior, which simply doesn’t work.

Our job as parents (and stepparents) isn’t to scare or threaten our kids into behaving properly, giving them no understanding of why their behavior was wrong in the first place. Our job is to guide, mold, and instruct them on how to behave. 

It’s training! And it works wonders, now and for years to come.

So how can you discipline without stepping into punishment territory?

Start with clear communication…

Kids need to know what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t. But how are they supposed to know if it isn’t clearly communicated to them? 

Once you and your spouse are in lock-step agreement on your family’s rules, bring the kids into the conversation during a family meeting. Allow them a say in the process of figuring out which rules are currently working and which are not. 

You may be surprised to find out that disobedience isn’t the issue at all! Plus, the more you get their buy-in, the more they’ll be willing to cooperate within the family rules. 

Of course, certain misbehaviors have consequences, and your kids need to know what those consequences are beforehand. But getting everyone on the same page rule-wise may be your ticket to avoiding consequences altogether. 

How amazing is that!

Also, your discipline should come from a place of kindness and understanding. 

When misbehaviors arise, don’t blindly react in the heat of the moment. Be intentional about how you choose to discipline your stepkids (and consistent with how your partner feels about the situation). Your thoughts and actions should always be grounded in how you will help them make better decisions down the road. 

This doesn’t mean backing off and letting them walk all over you. You can be firm in your decision while still respecting your stepchild. Not only will they respond better to this type of discipline, but you’ll see the long-term effectiveness as time goes on.

Now that you know what it means to discipline, let’s put it into action. How can you, as a stepparent, discipline your stepchildren? 

Build a Relationship First

Just as you are still building a relationship with your new spouse, your new stepchildren will also need some of your time and attention. During that honeymoon period, discipline will probably be the last thing on your mind; but I can assure you the topic will eventually come up.

And if there is one thing I can promise you, it’s this:

If there is no connection between you and your stepchildren, your attempts to discipline them will mean nothing.

Experts agree that until some sort of familial bond is formed with your stepchildren, they’ll likely have a hard time accepting you as an authority figure and may push back against any disciplinary attempts. 

This is why it’s essential to focus on building a strong, positive relationship from day one. And one of the best ways to establish a healthy relationship is to connect with your stepkids through quality one-on-one time together.

Start a MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® Schedule

Nothing tells a child, “You’re so important to me,” quite like making special time each day to pour your attention into them.

Here at Positive Parenting Solutions, we refer to this as a MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® schedule. That’s 10-15 (distraction-free) minutes of your day spent doing something they want to do.  

This could be playing your stepdaughter’s favorite board game or listening along as your stepson tells you about each of his 500 Pokémon cards. As long as you allow them to choose the activity (within reason), the possibilities are truly endless! 

You’ll get to know them. They’ll get to know you. And you’ll both end up with a stronger, more established connection with one another.

Encourage, Encourage, Encourage!

Another fantastic relationship-strengthening tool is the use of encouragement.

Like many well-meaning stepparents, your first instinct may be to dole out the praise. 

Umm, yeah, Amy. I want them to like me, after all! 

I know, I know! It’s so tempting. But pump those brakes just a bit because constant praise does very little to help your relationship in the long run. 

In fact, it can even lead to more significant problems down the road.

That’s because praise fosters a need for external motivation–that constant need for others to affirm their value and self-worth. And the more praise your stepkids receive, the more they’ll crave it.

Instead, focus on empowering them through encouraging words.

For example…

Instead of saying, “Wow, bud, you are such a good athlete! Your team couldn’t have won without you,” try, “I know we’re just getting to know each other, but I can tell you work hard at your sport. I bet it feels awesome to be such a great team player.”

This type of encouragement tells him you care while also allowing him to reflect on how his actions make him feel. 

Starting a new marriage provides an excellent opportunity for you, your spouse, and your children to focus on building great relationships with one another from the very beginning. 

Just remember, connection is far more important than correction. Focus on building the relationship first, then figure out how best to handle the disciplinary action.

That said, here are four important considerations to remember when weighing discipline for your stepchildren.

1. Consider Their Age

New marriages affect children of all ages. But how your stepchildren react to you could be heavily influenced by how old they are when you first come into the family. 

For example, younger children tend to push back with their actions, like tantrums or hitting–while older kids often do so with their words. Just ask any stepparent who has ever been on the receiving end of this dreaded comment: “You’re not my real dad/mom!” 

Do these words hurt? Of course. But try to understand where the harsh words and actions are coming from without getting defensive. More often than not, a deeper issue lies beneath the surface.

We know that kids have a deeply rooted need to feel power and control over their own lives. But they can’t control their parents’ relationships. Just imagine how frustratingly powerless the situation makes them feel…and try to empathize.

It’s also important to note that younger children typically have an easier time adjusting to new authority figures than older kids. As kids grow up and move into the teenage years, they naturally move on to resisting even their biological parents’ authority. 

So don’t take it personally if they do the same with you. Teens and toddlers don’t act the same way (usually…), so you shouldn’t expect to discipline them the same way either.

2. Consider Their Perspective

Your stepchildren were part of a family before you came onto the scene. It would be unfair to pretend that wasn’t the case, especially if they’re still grieving the loss of the family they knew before.

Before you even think about your role as a disciplinarian in their life, take time to consider life from their point of view.

How must it feel to see their parent romantically involved with someone else? What was their family dynamic before you entered into it? 

No matter your intentions, there’s a good chance they may see you as the “bad guy.” Not because of anything you have done but simply because of the role you’re stepping into.

And it’s okay for them to feel this way. It’s not your job to fix anything. It’s just your job to understand where they are coming from.

But how can you do that?

Outside a MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® schedule, another fantastic way to learn about your new kids and gain their trust is to implement regular Family Meetings.

Think of your new family as a start-up business–one you want to succeed! Just as good businesses succeed when every employee works together, so does a family unit.

Pick a time each week (preferably the same time every week) to sit down together. This is your chance to talk as a family about struggles, brainstorm solutions, and even practice a few team-building exercises. 

You’ll never be able to truly understand your stepchildren’s perspectives without first getting them to open up. And the Family Meeting provides the perfect grounds to do just that!

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions Members can review Step 6 for more details on how to run the best, most effective Family Meeting.

3. Consider Your Spouse

You and your new spouse are a team. But in the early stages of entering your stepchildren’s lives, it’s best to leave the disciplining to your spouse. Not only will your stepchildren recognize this parent as one of authority, but they’ll also feel most safe and comfortable under the gentle guidance of their mom or dad.

Family psychologist Patricia Paper now suggests that stepparents who take the time to establish a foundation of mutual respect and affection are setting themselves up for success because later disciplinary action will be met with less resentment from the stepchild.  

This is also an excellent time for you to learn from your spouse. Take note of how they interact with their children, what behavior battles seem to be most common, and what steps they take to encourage better behavior in their kids.   

Don’t be afraid to ask your spouse All. The. Questions. (Seriously, just ask!)

Questions like…

How do you prefer to discipline the kids? 

What areas of discipline do you feel most strongly about? 

What are your absolute “no-nos” when it comes to discipline?

Are you a strong proponent of positive parenting? If not, are you willing to get on board with that? 

In the end, your consideration of your spouse, their opinions, and their expertise will be a driving force for your own success as a stepparent. Plus, they’ll feel better knowing how dedicated you are to parenting their children likewise.

And don’t worry that you’re putting all the parenting burden on your spouse. As your relationship with your stepchildren warms and develops, you’ll be able to take on more of the load.

But to start, you focus on connection. Let your spouse focus on correction.

4. Consider Their Other Parent

If you’re actively co-parenting with your stepchild’s biological mother or father, you need to consider them an essential part of the equation regarding when and how you discipline. You, your spouse, and their ex need to be on the same page.

Make it one of your top priorities to include the other parent in your parenting conversations. Consider how they run their household in comparison to how you run yours, and think about what those differences might mean for your stepkids.

For example… 

Do you and your spouse avoid paying your kids for doing chores, but their other parent has no issue with it? Are you sticklers for a strict bedtime routine, but it’s not a priority at their other house?

And what about the topic we’re here for–discipline? What types of disciplinary approaches are they comfortable with you taking on as a stepparent? 

While you can’t control exactly how the other parent runs their house (as they can’t run yours), it would be wise to discuss the details and get on the same page about as many of these key issues as possible.

Not only will you be working to provide much more stability for your stepchildren, but you’ll also give your stepkids less reason to compare one set of parents to the other.

Now you may be thinking, That’s so much easier said than done, Amy, but you don’t know who I’m dealing with. 

And you may be right. But there are parents out there who have been in your same shoes and risen above the conflict victoriously.

In fact, in their book, No One’s the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan For the Mother and Stepmother Relationship, Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Maine explain how they completely transformed their co-parenting relationship and even became close friends.

Similarly, in the book Blend: The Secret to Co-Parenting and Creating a Balanced Family, author Mashonda Tifrere uses her personal experience co-parenting with her ex-husband Swizz Beatz and his new wife, Alicia Keys, to create a guide for helping families blend in a healthy way.

The truth is kids need both sets of parents fully engaged in their lives. You may not enjoy or get along with your spouse’s ex, but your stepchildren love them. And they obviously love your stepchildren.

Do your best to respect the other parent’s wishes, involve them in your decisions whenever appropriate, and above all else, let adult issues stay adult issues. 

When you give your co-parent the consideration and respect you’d want for yourself, you’ll more likely see the same in return. 

CTA: Positive Parenting Solutions members, check out the Battle-Tested Blueprint: Divorce & Parenting Apart with Christina McGhee, MSW. Here you’ll find surefire strategies to take the hassle out of co-parenting.

Final Thoughts

Parenting is hard. Full stop.

But stepparenting is on an entirely different level of difficulty. So if this is the life arena you find yourself currently in (or getting ready to enter), take heart! You are most certainly not alone.

At Positive Parenting Solutions, we’re not just here to help the average parent, the biological parent, or the perfect parent. We’re here to help every parent! 

As you embark on this new journey in parenthood, I thank you for taking the time to consider our approach, and I wish you the very best of luck on your adventure.

With the most enthusiasm you can muster (to start 2023 off with a bang) you’ve purchased a new online gym membership and meal planning service. Or maybe you’ve decided THIS is going to be the year you finally get out of debt and finish the degree you started several years ago.

And while I’m cheering you on for those resolutions and I want you to look back on 2023 as the year you finally followed through on your important intentions, might I suggest you add something different to your list this year?

A resolution that will impact your family for years to come. A resolution that will bring peace and joy into your home in ways you’ve never experienced. A resolution that will reconnect you with your children in a meaningful way. 

This, sweet friends, is a resolution you can keep: Become the parent you’ve always wanted to be in 2023.

(Sign up for our FREE ONLINE PARENTING CLASS for a sneak peek of the 37 positive parenting tools that will help you along your new parenting journey.)

In order to make that resolution a reality, I want to share 6 practical things you can start doing today. This isn’t a resolution about doing MORE, but rather a resolution about doing BETTER–both better for you and better for your children. 

You CAN become the parent you’ve always dreamed of being. Don’t let the gym memberships or new workout routines or financial goals be the only resolutions you make this year.

Resolve to be the best you can for the most important people in your life. Resolve to make these 6 changes today and I guarantee you’ll enter 2023 with undeniable confidence as a parent.
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While it is our absolute joy to bring you a list of our favorite products, we may receive a small commission if you purchase products through some of the links on this page (don’t worry, this doesn’t affect the price you pay). But please know, even though we are constantly asked to review products, we only recommend products we absolutely LOVE, so you can trust that this list contains only our shout-it-from-the-rooftops favorites!

I’m going to be honest, this isn’t your average parenting product review post. While you can scour the Internet to find the elusive spill-proof sippy cup that actually works, or spend hours finding the best deal on educational video games for your teens, I’m here to tell you about products that will enhance your parenting skills and help bring peace into your home.

These are products I find myself recommending over and over again to parents during coaching calls or in our private members-only Facebook group. These tools help make your routines run more smoothly, improve cooperation from your kiddos, and most importantly, make YOUR life easier!

At Positive Parenting Solutions, we’ve made it our mission to equip parents with the tools they need to raise empowered, capable, and resilient kids. We want every parent to feel confident in their abilities and walk away knowing they’re rocking this whole parenting thing. (Want a glimpse of these parenting tools and strategies? Try our FREE PARENTING CLASS today!)

And while we have helped transform thousands of families, this does not diminish the fact that there are many great resources on the market to assist parents in their positive parenting journey.

All of these products are “Amy approved” and come with my biggest stamp of approval.

Here’s my Top 11 List of Positive Parenting Products: Read More →

It’s the moment parents know all too well: the moment when the energy in your house totally shifts.

All was calm until you handed breakfast to your toddler on the ever-so-controversial blue plate. You know, the one he liked YESTERDAY. Somehow overnight, everything you thought you knew about your child was suddenly wrong –  “I want my sandwich in triangles, not rectangles!” or “I want the green cup, not the red one!” or “I hate those socks!!”

What happened to my sweet child, you wonder.

As the energy in the house escalates, and it appears your child is willing to fall on his sword over every little request, you lose it. After all, his requests make no sense to an adult, and because they don’t make logical sense, your only response is rage – “STOP YELLING!” you scream.

“JUST EAT OFF THE BLUE PLATE!” you yell.

“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT SHAPE YOUR SANDWICH IS IN!” you exclaim.

And then in a moment of clarity, it hits you – you yelled at your child to stop yelling. The phrase Do as I say, not as I do, has never held so much weight.

Oh, friend. I’ve been there and I know those feelings all too well.

As a former yeller, I remember going to bed hoarse and defeated many nights until I decided there MUST be a better way. After years of studying Positive Parenting and Adlerian Psychology, I created a toolbox of strategies that completely transformed my family. (Get a sneak peek with our FREE PARENTING CLASS!)

After seeing the effects firsthand, I knew I had to share this positive parenting philosophy and the corresponding discipline strategies with parents worldwide. The results continue to be astonishing.

The list of techniques below will help you see misbehavior in a different light. There is a full Toolbox of strategies that go along with these techniques, but this list will give you a great start to begin seeing a remarkable difference in your home.

1. Get to the Root of the Behavior

Positive parenting experts worldwide can agree on this: there is always something motivating a child’s negative or disruptive behavior.

So that tantrum over the blue plate? It wasn’t a random display of poor judgment –  it was motivated by something intrinsically in your child. Whether that was a lack of skills in managing his big feelings, a desire to get your attention, or a power play to assert his free will – there’s always a reason for the behavior. (Even if he doesn’t realize it – and most times he doesn’t!)

The thing to remember is the behavior itself is simply the symptom. Our challenge as parents is figuring out what’s really underneath that frustrating behavior.

It would make things MUCH easier if your child could simply say, “Mommy, I would really like some one-on-one attention with you when I have you all to myself. Is there a time we can do that this evening?” But we all know this is an absurd expectation. So instead, children push our buttons as a way to gain our attention, albeit negatively. Because the truth is, if a child doesn’t receive our attention in positive ways, (when they don’t have to beg for or demand it) they will find ways to get any attention they can, even if it’s negative.

Picture yourself as a detective. When a child begins to act out, ask yourself “What is this child trying to accomplish through his actions?”  If he had the verbal skills and emotional awareness, “What would he be trying to tell me with this behavior?”

Once you identify the root cause of the issue, you can become a more PROACTIVE parent and preempt the outbursts from happening in the first place.

For example, imagine you have to take an important call, but while you’re on the phone, your children decide it’s a great time to start a wrestling match. While still trying to sound engaged in the phone conversation, you give your kids the “if you don’t stop this right now I’m going to lose it when I’m done” look – but to no avail. You continue with the non-verbal shushing as you run from one room to the next searching for quiet, but the wrestling match seems to follow you. It’s exhausting. And by the end of the phone call, you feel like you just ran 5 miles.

The goal behind that wrestling match – that just happened to start the minute you got on the phone – was most likely intended to get your attention and push your buttons. They knew you were trapped on the phone and unable to intervene, so it became the perfect time to act up, getting your attention in negative ways. Use this as a learning experience and now PROACTIVELY PREPARE for the next time you need to take a call.

20 minutes before your phone call, say to your kiddos, “Hey guys, mommy has to get on the phone in 20 minutes. Before I do that, I would LOVE to play a game with you all!”

During those 20 minutes leading up to the call, give your children undivided attention. You can give them reminders leading up to the call like “Wow! I love playing games with you. Once mommy is finished with her call, I’d love to play again!”

When it comes time for the call, give your children a choice – “Mommy needs to get on her call now. Would you like to watch a show or play quietly with your legos while I’m on the phone?”

Also, give them a way to “tell you something” if something they view as urgent comes up while you’re on the call.  Leave a pad of paper nearby so they can write or draw whatever they want to tell you as soon as your call is finished.

Chances are that if you fill their attention buckets ahead of time and lay out clear expectations, your children will be better behaved the next time you take a call.

Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, learn how to use the Attention Overload Tool in Lesson #31 in Session 4 to fend off all sorts of power struggles.

2. Be Consistent

While parents intellectually understand the importance of consistency, the truth is, life happens – school is canceled, plans change, and last-minute additions are made to the calendar. While we can’t always control life happening, it’s best to maintain consistent routines, schedules, and expectations in your home the majority of the time.

How is your morning routine? If your children are expected to make their beds, brush their teeth, and get dressed before eating breakfast, then maintain this routine every day.

PRO TIP: Maintain the SAME schedule on weekends and holidays. That way, you won’t have to experience the backslide that comes on Monday morning!  

Do you maintain firm technology “policies?”  What happens if your kids don’t respect your family rules for technology?  To be the positive parent you strive to be, it’s essential that technology rules are clearly communicated and that kids know the consequence if those rules are broken. If kids refuse or “forget” to turn off the video game when time is up, follow through each and every time with the previously discussed consequence. When parents are consistent with the rules and consequences, kids are much less likely to push the limits.

If you’re experiencing a lot of nagging and negotiating from your child because of inconsistency in the past, you can end it with 3 simple words, and get back on track.

Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions course members, refer to Session 3, Lessons 25 & 26 for everything you need to know about implementing effective consequences in your home. Also review the Ultimate Survival Guide module included in your enrollment: The Technology Survival Plan.

3. Say No to Rewards

Parents who are unfamiliar with positive parenting techniques are often surprised when I discourage them from using rewards. After all, rewards sound positive, but the truth is they do more harm than good and can lead to a major dose of entitlement down the road.  

Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. When making discipline decisions for your kids, it’s important to keep your long-term goals in mind. Rewards are ineffective because they only offer short-term gain.

Think about it..maybe today you rewarded your child with a cookie for behaving well in the grocery store, but what will she expect next time? At least one cookie, right? Maybe even two? Will a similar reward be expected during the next doctor’s office visit or trip to the mall?  

Or perhaps you bribed your picky eater to eat their vegetables by offering ice cream for dessert? Now that he knows vegetables can be sold for the price of ice cream, it only makes sense he would hold out on eating his greens until he’s offered ice cream or another equally appealing sweet reward.

Using rewards as a bargaining chip for the desired behavior is a slippery slope to an attitude of entitlement.

Further, many studies have shown that kids who are rewarded actually lose interest in the activity they’re being rewarded for – coloring, reading, practicing piano, doing their homework, etc. Hold your ground, my friend, children don’t need rewards to behave appropriately.

Related: When Treats Turn Sour: 3 Things to do Instead of Offering Rewards

4. Focus On What You Can Control – YOURSELF

Oh my friends, this one is tough, especially in the heat of the moment. But, if you remember that there’s always a REASON for the behavior AND your children have free will, then you can begin to respond appropriately.

After all, there is a level of emotional freedom that is found when parents realize “I can’t always control my kids, but I can control my responses.”

Sure, some parents might be able to scare their kids into behaving properly or threaten punishment to achieve a short-sighted goal, but at the end of the day – each child will grow into an adult who has full control over their life decisions.

So instead of overpowering children, or bribing, or shaming them into making good decisions, I encourage parents to reframe their perception of the child. Instead of thinking of him as a misbehaving child, view him as a little person who simply hasn’t been equipped with the right tools to behave appropriately in a given situation. By doing this, parents will be better prepared to handle the misbehaviors.

One way we can control our responses is to decide what we’re willing to do AHEAD OF TIME. This works great for getting kids to take on responsibilities they’re perfectly capable of or we nag them about, but they normally just don’t do – emptying backpacks or lunchboxes, putting laundry in the hamper, cleaning up toys, etc.

Let’s use lunchboxes as an example.

Start by deciding what you’re willing to do, and what age-appropriate responsibility needs to be on your kids’ shoulders.

In a calm moment, reveal in advance, “I’m happy to make you a lunch every morning for school, as long as your lunchbox has been emptied out, and it’s on the shelf in the pantry or on the counter. If the lunchboxes are clean and in their place, I’m happy to make your lunch. If it’s not cleaned out or not in its place, it’ll be up to you to make your own lunch.”

Then ask, “Is there anything you’d like to do to help yourself remember to unload your lunchbox and put it in the pantry?” (He might want to make a sign in pictures or words to remind himself since you will not be reminding him.)

And of course – make sure everyone has a clear understanding:  “Just so we’re on the same page, can you repeat back to me your responsibility for lunchboxes and what I’ve decided I will do about making lunches?”

At this point, you’ve trained and empowered your child, you’ve revealed what could happen, and you’ve told your child what you are willing to do.

The next step is to follow through. This part will be hard – but please don’t remind them or nag them – otherwise, this becomes YOUR problem again.  If the lunchbox is clean and on the shelf – great, you’ll make the lunch. If not, it will make a wonderful learning opportunity next time.

When you can proactively PREPARE  your responses to potentially sticky situations and clearly COMMUNICATE  your expectations beforehand, you’ll find yourself having to react to situations in the heat of the moment less frequently.

5. Discipline, Don’t Punish

One of the biggest differentiators between positive parenting techniques and other parenting methods is the focus on discipline over punishment.

Discipline means “to train by instruction and exercise” while punish means “to inflict a penalty for (an offense, fault, etc.)” or “to handle severely or roughly.”

By teaching our children the appropriate ways to behave without using blame, shame, and pain forms of punishment, we equip and empower them to be competent and capable young adults.

When you are considering a response to an offense – just like with rewards – think long-term.

Does sending a child to time-out as punishment really help change behavior?

Does spanking a child for hitting a sibling encourage a child to stop hitting?

In both examples, I’d argue the answer is “no.” Sure, time-out and spanking may seem effective in the short term, but if kids aren’t taught (a.k.a. disciplined) how to behave appropriately, parents inadvertently put a band-aid on a long-term problem.

Related: How to Discipline Your Child

Final Thoughts

Parenting is hard, I get it. But with the right tools, I believe all parents can become the parents they’ve always dreamed of being.

If you’d like to learn even more positive parenting strategies, I’d be honored if you’d join me for a FREE ONLINE CLASS.

I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen without nagging, reminding, or yelling. With a little hard work and consistency, you can start seeing changes today!

“Kids today are SO disrespectful,” you’ve probably heard (or even muttered, amongst other statements). 

It’s true that parent-child relationships are evolving. Many kids today behave differently, communicate differently, and have different goals and expectations than a mere generation ago. 

They are growing up in a different world. 

Still, teaching respect is as important now as when Aretha first sang about it.

Some children today are granted more leeway and left ample room to question and challenge our guidance. This can feel and appear disrespectful. 

Alternatively, kids taught to blindly follow authority can lack confidence, problem-solving skills, and have an unhealthy fear of failure. They don’t necessarily learn to trust or respect themselves.

Respect is twofold: we must remain courteous to others while also standing up for ourselves. 

The conundrum is, when does letting our kids speak for themselves border on disrespect? And, at what point do our actions as parents fail to respect our kids? (Learn how to stop all the yelling with our FREE online class.) 

According to author Don Miguel Ruiz, “Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love.” 

If this is the case, it has the power to change the world–we just have to get it right. 

What Is The Difference Between Respectful and Disrespectful Behavior?

Respect is a balance of knowledge, intention, care, and reflection.

Only when we’ve taught and self-modeled respect towards others can we expect our children to know what it looks like, understand its value, and act respectfully themselves. 

When kids do know what’s expected and are blatantly unkind, it can be considered disrespect. They know how they should act, but they don’t care. Or, they have ulterior motives. 

First, consider whether your home environment allows your kids to make some decisions and voice their opinions. If so, a bit of questioning and complaining isn’t necessarily disrespectful.

Also, remember that kids are always gaining more independence; and sometimes, that means challenging their parents. 

Next, consider your child’s age when determining respect versus disrespect. A three-year-old isn’t going to immediately understand that it isn’t nice to point out a stranger as “fat” or an old lady as “more wrinkly than Grandma.” But with time and calm instruction on what (or not) to say, kids will learn.

Caveat: Children with neurological differences may have a medical reason for adverse actions. If you are concerned with your child’s behavior, please consult a counselor or physician. 

Do Respect and Good Manners Go Hand-in-Hand?

Charming phrases like “Yes Sir” and “Yes, Ma’am,” are falling further from children’s vocabulary. Backtalk seems to be bursting out instead. 

Parents can still train kids when and how to use social conventions at age-appropriate times for each individual child. Saying “please,” “thank you,” holding doors for people, complimenting a meal, and offering to pay gas money, are all types of respect and kindness. 

Kids want to do the right thing. And, they feel more confident in a variety of social situations when they know how to act. 

“Yes Sir” does indeed sound nice. But a child who doesn’t use formalities–even when trained–isn’t necessarily less respectful. 

Cordial behavior isn’t everything. And, it doesn’t mean much if it’s just surface-level. Caring about others is what makes a difference.

Some shy children rarely say “hi,” for instance, and it may seem rude. Before assuming that shyness has ill intent, we can offer strategies to make them more comfortable with greetings.  

Then, we can focus on how our young one helped fold laundry that day, or how our teenager listened to a friend in need. This proves that beyond greetings, there are alternative ways to show kindness. 

Respect and manners are also nuanced. Showing Grandma respect might look different from showing friends or even teachers respect. Kids greatly benefit from learning these societal/generational differences! 

Entitlement and Disrespect

Teaching respect means fighting against entitlement. Because entitlement doesn’t show respect for people’s time, money, or efforts. 

Along with an evolving social structure where kids have more input, there has also been a shift towards giving our kids more of everything else, too. More material possessions, more technology…and greater freedoms with fewer responsibilities. 

It’s understandable that we want our kids to have generous, carefree childhoods. We want to make life easier and more enjoyable for them. 

But in doing so–even when the intention is noble–parents are losing sight of the big picture. If we don’t expect kids to contribute in meaningful ways, we aren’t teaching respect (or receiving it)! 

The war against entitlement happens a little every day, like when we encourage our kids to do their Family Contributions (a helpful euphemism for chores!). Or, when we remind them to give, not just expect, appreciation for family, friends, and teachers. 

And lastly, we must stop rewarding our children for basic, expected tasks. When we offer candy for folding the laundry or a dollar for every completed homework assignment, we aren’t teaching them the intrinsic value of helping others–or themselves. 

Though we’re enticing them to get things done, we’re actually robbing them of essential lessons in generosity and self-respect.

Building a Respectful Environment At Home

If we build an environment where our children feel valued and their opinions are heard, we are already building the foundation of respect. 

We can solidify this intention by showing that respect in everyday situations. 

This starts by:

Using Discipline, Not Punishment

The distinction between punishment and discipline is often lost, but it is critical. 

Punishment intentionally blames, hurts, and embarrasses kids when they misbehave or make a poor choice. It’s meant to teach them not to repeat that action, but instead, it makes them feel worse about themselves–it teaches only fear. 

That’s not what respect is about! 

Discipline differs greatly from punishment, because it offers a positive, proactive approach; it essentially allows kids to feel the effects of their choices without being chastised for them! It also teaches right versus wrong more effectively, because the lesson isn’t lost in reproach and resentment. 

Involving Children in Decisions

Imagine parenthood as a system of government. A generation or more ago, kids were raised in a more autocratic-type system. Parents made the rules, and kids followed them–or else!

Fast-forward to the present day, and you might compare contemporary parenthood to a democracy of sorts. Kids get to have an opinion! They may not hold executive office, but they are certainly representatives in congress.

Kids’ thoughts, feelings, and grievances have a right to be aired. They matter. 

Society has been slowly peeling away from more autocratic parenting towards this system of democracy. But, it doesn’t mean kids can’t learn or focus on respect! 

In fact, like respectful discipline, kids learn better by being a part of decisions. It even increases their ability to work with, and mitigate, the wishes of others!

There are two simple Positive Parenting Solutions® tools you can employ to give kids the freedom of voice and choice–both of which personify respect!

Creating a Decision-Rich Environment

According to renowned psychologist Alfred Adler, all humans–including children!–long for power, belonging, and significance. It drives their every move.

So, kids aren’t being rude or less respectful for wanting attention, validation, a voice, a chance to air grievances, and a little more control.

When children are granted age-appropriate choices in their lives, these desires are quickly met: they’re given the power to make each choice, they know their opinions matter, and they immediately feel valued. 

Allowing kids to make decisions, and not dictating everything they do, awards them this basic respect.

A Decision-Rich Environment empowers a four-year-old to choose between two or three outfits to wear each day. Or, it encourages a teenager to choose Friday’s dinner menu each week.

Age and proven responsibility can allow additional, increasingly important choices–and this permits kids to improve their decision-making skills and shape their own lives! 

Using the Ask, Don’t Tell Tool

Another positive discipline tool is Ask, Don’t Tell. Designed by counselor/psychologist Lynn Lott, it represents freedom to a “T.” 

No one likes being bossed around in the first place. And believe it or not, kids might be more willing to help us, or do what we’re requesting, when we ask nicely!

This might sound like, “Any chance you’d be able to give me a hand getting the living room ready for our friends to come over?” instead of, “You need to get your things out of the living room.”

Kids need our guidance and direction, and sometimes, that takes some spurring. But asking respectfully not only sets a good example of how to treat someone, it also eliminates backtalk and power struggles! 

The key is, you DO have to ask–and you have to do this only when you are able to accept a “no” for an answer. But by doing so, you’re actually more likely to get a cheerful, “Sure!” in the long run. 

Because respect isn’t taking power from our kids. It’s giving it to them. 

Positive Parenting Solutions® Members: For more strategies to gain cooperation from your kids, revisit Steps 3 and 4 of the 7-Step Parenting Success System® course. 

Taking Time for Training

Kids deserve the chance to learn our expectations. 

In other words, our kids are not mind-readers!

We can’t say they’re acting disrespectfully if they haven’t been taught what respect looks like! 

Kids need training with everything from unloading the dishwasher for the first time to hanging up their clothes. 

When this is the case for everyday actions, they definitely require time to observe and practice the art of respect. 

In a scenario where a young kiddo unwittingly does something rude, like grab and lick his brother’s ice cream, it’s the perfect opportunity to do some training and role play how to ask for something you want in lieu of grabbing someone else’s food (or toys, or anything!). 

But you can’t expect kids to know what is rude before they’ve encountered that scenario. They also deserve a decent explanation as to why it’s disrespectful and sufficient training on an alternative behavior.

Modeling Respect Towards Others

No matter how respectfully we speak to our kids, we also have to prove with every action that we appreciate other people. Friends, strangers, everyone. 

Leading by example can never be overestimated. Otherwise, we’re hypocrites! 

If we tell our kids it’s rude to say mean words to acquaintances, they’ll be confused when they watch us berate the slow cashier or waitress. 

And, they’ll take great notice when we’re disrespectful to a spouse. 

Modeling respect also means monitoring what our kids are exposed to. Tweens and teens, for instance, can be naturally indignant, but watching unkind and disrespectful actions on social media often makes things worse.

While we can’t control everything our kids witness, we can minimize bad examples (establish those parental tech controls and set limits!) until they can successfully demonstrate the difference between respect and a lack of it. 

Teaching Empathy

If respect is about loving one another, then empathy is an integral piece of the puzzle. Kids can’t learn respect without it! 

Empathy is the ability to put oneself in another’s position. And kids have an amazing capacity to sympathize with others! They just have to be reminded that not everything is about them. 

Your six-year-old may be aggravated when his older sister refuses to share her toys. But instead of letting him dwell on how it makes him feel slighted, you can say, “How do you think your sister feels when you constantly grab her toys?”

Empathy can also be taught through small acts of volunteering or by giving back in some way: planting trees, writing thank you cards, or donating $2.00 of an allowance to someone in need. 

Communicating with One Another

Communication is taught. 

It starts with our own willingness to open up with our kids. Kids learn that a wide range of feelings, even from adults, is normal. They learn to listen and sympathize. And, they understand that expressing emotions is not only therapeutic, but essential for problem-solving. 

Successful communication works both ways. During a typical whirlwind week, it’s easy to ignore a four-year-old asking why the grass is green…for the fiftieth time. Or, when we’re absorbed in work and texts on our phones, it’s easy to zone out and forget to listen. 

Showing our kids respect by listening to them–even when we have to hear who their friend’s brother’s cousin has a crush on!–proves that respect. 

Holding Routine Family Meetings

Family Meetings are like a power session in communication. Everyone in the family attends and takes turns talking about the upcoming week’s schedule and expectations. Kids and adults take turns as mediators and meeting leaders. 

These meetings go far beyond logistics. They give each and every family member a chance to talk about problems, concerns, and possible solutions. Family members take turns listening to one another speak–even the littlest ones have a say!–and work together to problem-solve. 

Routine family meetings epitomize cooperation. And cooperation can’t occur without granting others our time and attention (a.k.a. respect). 

Kids Must Learn to Respect Themselves, Too!

When kids believe in their abilities, they have the tools to respect (LOVE) themselves. 

Kids need to know they have an opinion, a voice, and power. They need to understand their significance. And, they must be aware they belong in this world. 

Kids that know how to respect themselves will naturally understand how they should be treated. But, they’ll also understand that selflessness can benefit others. 

Self-respecting kids also have a greater understanding of emotional and physical boundaries. They’re more apt to acknowledge the signs and symptoms of bullying and be aware when someone, or something, crosses a line.

Thankfully, modeling respectful practices, training kids to show respect in a variety of situations, and battling entitlement are all strategies to teach self-respect and help kids thrive. 

Final Thoughts

Respect is a way of life. It’s a deep, meaningful consideration of others and a feeling of belonging and significance–not only for one’s self, but for the people around us. 

This isn’t something that’s taught overnight! It’s a lifelong process. Don’t worry if your kids are still in the thick of it. You now know what you can focus on.  

But, imagine. If all children grow into adults who respect themselves and one another, the world will be a vastly better place.