Why a Feelings Wheel Supports Your Positive Parenting Journey
Feelings make us human. They’re constant, primal–and kids can go through about a dozen of them in ten brief minutes.
Luckily, whether your child is a teary toddler or a raging teen, there’s a shortcut to deciphering them.
In 1980, Robert Plutchik developed what he called the Wheel of Emotions. Shortly afterwards, in 1982, Gloria Willcox published The Feeling Wheel: A Tool for Expanding Awareness of Emotions and Increasing Spontaneity and Intimacy.
No matter the version you use, each one dives into the intricacies of human sentiment. But for this particular article, we’ll be referring specifically to Gloria Willcox’s Feeling Wheel (shown below).
The goal of the Wheel is to help people understand and identify not only what they feel, but the specifics of those feelings. Because sometimes, it’s not enough–or doesn’t feel quite right–to say you’re sad, happy, or scared: especially when somebody’s hiding in the closet over a homework assignment they would’ve sailed through last week.
There’s actually SO much more going on.
How to Navigate the Feelings Wheel
Appearing like a bullseye, the center of the Feeling Wheel represents broader, mainstream emotions–think of these as the descriptors your toddler would use (sad, happy, scared, mad etc.)
The middle and outer rings represent more detailed feelings that can constitute those mainstream emotions. The empty spaces on the outermost ring of the Wheel are designed for individuals to fill in with a relatable emotion of choice.
In addition, the Wheel is designed to reflect contrasting feelings. The exact opposite of peaceful, for example, is scared. Both are found on symmetrically opposite sides of the circle. It also enlists the help of colors to visually group and separate emotions. And darker colors can indicate feelings of higher intensity.
But despite exploring feelings that are as varied as a Pantone palette, how can we truly apply the Feeling Wheel to our daily lives and Positive Parenting journeys?
Positive Parenting is all about using tools to manage obstacles. It’s also about getting to the core of problems. (Our FREE Webinar offers a glimpse into these tools and this mindset.)
Luckily, the wheel is another tool designed with similar strategic advantages in mind.
The following are a few practical applications of the Feeling Wheel to make you ask, “Where has this been my whole life?”
Locate the Root of Misbehavior
Misbehavior is tricky. You know the saying: If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it’s a duck.
Well, when it comes to misbehavior, that’s not the case. It’s usually a sign of something else entirely.
Positive parenting stresses that kids who misbehave aren’t bad. Instead, they lack the skills to manage their emotions.
Maybe they don’t feel like they belong with their peer group. Or, they feel insignificant because parents rarely make time to play with them. They may even feel a lack of control. This, in turn, tempts kids to act out to gain attention and power–even if our response (or the response from their peers) is negative.
You see, more than anything, kids long to feel capable, respected, and valued.
Lately, it seems like your teenage daughter is mad about everything. There could be a million reasons why, but before you jump to conclusions about the difficulties of raising teenagers, consult the Feeling Wheel.
When you locate mad at the center of the circle and the emotions that branch out from that category, what do you see?
Your daughter could be feeling jealous of a friend’s new boyfriend or frustrated with gobs of new homework. She could be acting hatefully towards her sister because she’s really irritated that she keeps “borrowing” her clothes.
But what’s least likely is that she’s mad for the sake of being mad.
Instead of chalking up her behavior to a teen stereotype, shrugging it off, or returning her anger with MORE anger, try finding out what your daughter’s mad about.
I’m not suggesting nagging and prying. But now is a good time to ask questions to help her open up and explain what’s going on.
Your opening can be as simple as, “Something seems to be bothering you. I want you to know that I’m here if there’s anything you’d like to tell me or something I can help you with.”
Finding the core reason behind misbehavior saves everyone’s sanity and confusion. It also eliminates the need to use ineffective and inapplicable parenting strategies like punishment.
Choose Problem-Solving Over Punishment
Punishment is a reactive behavior that many parents routinely employ when kids misbehave. The dilemma is, punishment focuses on the behavior itself; it never pries open the reason behind that behavior to aid in fixing it long-term.
Punishment isn’t designed to identify problems. So naturally, it can never be the solution.
The Feeling Wheel can help by keeping us proactive. For example, there’s no need to spank a 3-year-old for purposefully smearing toothpaste all over the counter to catch your eye. It may be tempting, considering your own rage welling up inside. But it’s not going to stop the misbehavior.
Instead, consider that your toddler–if she is making a mess to get your attention–is feeling angry. When implementing the Feeling Wheel in this scenario, you will see that the exact opposite of angry is feeling appreciated. And appreciation falls under a feeling of power.
So, it’s likely that your daughter is feeling a lack of control over her young life. She may feel overpowered by new rules, constantly hearing the word “no,” and never getting a chance to make decisions. And once again, children need to feel significant.
Perhaps your 8-year-old son has been acting unusually helpless. He says he can’t do his homework on his own, he “doesn’t remember” where to put the clean dishes, and he’s asking for preposterous amounts of help just to get the clothes in his room picked up.
On the Wheel, the opposite of helplessness is the feeling of being loved. You’re reminded that even the smallest sense of feeling unappreciated can make a big impact on a child.
Your best bet in these two situations is to implement two Positive Parenting Solutions tools: Mind, Body, and Soul Time–which reminds our children how much we love them despite our busy schedules–and the Decision-Rich Environment tool, which enriches attitudes, self-confidence, and a feeling of power.
Using the Wheel, you can apply an associated, proactive tool for troubling behavior and eliminate ineffective, punitive measures.
Pro Tip: For Positive Parenting Solutions members, please review the Mind, Body, and Soul Time and Decision-Rich Environment tools in Steps 1 and 3 of the course.
The Benefits of Helping Kids Identify Big Emotions
There’s no denying it–kids are born with their emotions.
The tantrum your 2-year-old threw yesterday? It was almost shocking to see so much toil and rage unleashed from such a tiny little body.
One of the best ways to help our kids, even at their earliest levels of verbal comprehension, is to help them identify and label these powerful, instinctive sentiments.
Nothing can be more exasperating, even for adults, than not being able to identify what’s bothering us. But when kids can validate powerful emotions with a label, they feel less overwhelmed.
Perhaps your 2-year-old is losing her mind over the popsicle melting all over her hands. She’s learning the sun melts things faster than she can eat them, and she’s enraged!
The Feeling Wheel reminds us that frustration, irritation, and anger are all closely related. We can calmly get down on our daughter’s level, face to face, wait for the tears and screaming to subside, and explain that her frustration is making her mad.
“I know you’re irritated that your hands are messy and half your popsicle is gone. I get it! You’re angry.”
Naming the feelings behind big tantrums is one of the best ways to quell them. Instead of suppressing emotions, it alleviates them through acknowledgment and empathy.
By speaking openly about feelings, kids will also be more willing to share their thoughts and concerns with us. As parents, it’s imperative to preserve communication channels for the many challenges and hurdles to come.
Maybe your teenage son just failed his history exam while all his friends aced it. When you ask how the test went, he says, “I don’t want to talk about it, but let’s just say I’m stupid.”
Feelings of ignorance, we know from the Wheel, make people melancholy. Using this knowledge, you can say, “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but when people feel inferior or like they’ve failed in some way, it’s natural to feel sad.”
While you’ll want to jump into ‘fixing’ feelings or make them out to be less than you think they should be, recognizing them first is crucial. Then, you can use encouragement to focus on a better approach.
“I understand your feelings, but I also want you to know you aren’t stupid. That is a terrible, unfair word. All intelligent people fail sometimes. They simply need to try again–maybe with a little help or support.”
Explaining to kids why they feel those negative emotions–and then adding encouragement–guides kids towards surmounting them.
The Feeling Wheel Teaches Emotional Problem-Solving
Detecting the true problem behind any emotion–or a set of them– is only the first part of the equation.
Once kids have recognized and even vocalized their emotions, the next step is to use this knowledge to solve emotional problems.
One way to do this is looking to the opposing side of the Feeling Wheel to find an appropriate antidote.
Your 16-year-old might be acting apathetic. She doesn’t want to do anything that friends or family suggest and has been moping around the house for days. While studying the Wheel with your daughter and helping her identify her emotions, you both see that the opposing emotion to apathy is daring.
This gives you an idea; maybe you can get your daughter outside her comfort zone. With the Wheel as your guide, you both brainstorm ways to invigorate her and pull her out of her rut. She decides to sign up for a new sports camp that encourages physical and mental endurance. Or, maybe she challenges herself to perform a difficult piece in her upcoming piano recital.
Imagine that your 4-year-old loves to draw. He is profoundly hurt every time his older brother makes fun of his messy coloring and strange, triangular clouds. These seemingly exaggerated feelings of hurt could be a reflection of missing pride.
This inspires you to say, “It isn’t nice that your brother is teasing you, and you feel hurt. But you know what? All that matters is that you love your drawing. You can be proud of practicing what brings you joy!”
Taking a healthy risk–or confidently coloring outside the lines, so to speak–might be just what your daughter and son need for a jump-start to motivation and self-assurance. It takes practice, but when you Take Time for Training using the Feeling Wheel, your kids can learn to not only label their emotions, but soon advance to self-help guru.
There are always actions we can take to combat negative feelings, and the Feeling Wheel offers an inspiring menu of options. Not everything can be healed all at once, though, as many solutions take commitment and time.
At first, we can always walk kids through long-term and short-term problem-solving techniques. Then, after some practice, we can rely on them to tackle issues on their own.
Before long, our children will gain more independence and emotional intelligence.
What could be more empowering?
Don’t forget to connect to your own emotions!
Use of the Feeling Wheel shouldn’t just be on behalf of our kids. It’s designed for us, too.
After all, how can we empathize with kids and help them analyze their emotions when we don’t understand our own feelings?
Before using the Feeling Wheel to dissect your teenager’s latest mood mystery or your 6-year-old’s tendency to feel discouraged at school, try implementing it when you feel overwhelmed by an emotion yourself.
Like most things, kids learn best by example. If we are masters of our own self-reflection, our kids will follow suit. If we sympathize through understanding and relatability, our kids will become more empathetic. And if we communicate well through it all, they likely will, too.
It’s always beneficial to maintain perspective. A child coming across as unnecessarily mean, scared, or moody has a reason for it. By using an outside source of analysis, we can process their actions and attitudes less personally and more objectively.
And don’t forget–the Feeling Wheel is just one way to contemplate emotions. Not all emotions are represented, and many can be experienced at once. But when used as a resource, it can help us stay more attuned to our family’s desires and deficiencies and assist our kids through emotional growing pains.
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