Are morning routines in your house already getting the best of you?
Instead of nagging, reminding or yelling your way through the morning schedule, consider implementing “When-Then Routines.”
A When-Then Routine is a tool to help your kids stay motivated to get everything done in the morning—even the “yucky” stuff like brushing teeth and getting dressed. It structures your morning so that all the not-so-fun tasks are completed before the most desirable part of the morning like breakfast (or morning playtime, TV time, etc.).
Your family’s when-then routine, which you create in advance, might sound like, “When you’re dressed, your hair is combed, the bed is made, and your backpack and lunch box are by the door, then breakfast will be served – but remember, the kitchen closes at 6:45!” Read More →
Getting kids to eat what the family eats – without battles and tantrums is a popular issue with parents. Positive Parenting Solutions offers these 3 strategies to avoid mealtime battles:
Your kids probably believe you hold the power in your family…you call all the shots and make all the decisions. However, the three areas where parents have absolutely no control and children have the all the power are eating, sleeping and peeing/pooping! Try as we might, we can’t MAKE them eat, sleep or potty.
Kids hold the control in these areas and as a result they represent prime opportunities for toddler power struggles. Battles over eating, sleeping or pottying are a child’s way of saying, “Hey, you’re not the boss of me! You can’t MAKE me eat/sleep/potty!”
And he’s right! A parent can’t MAKE a child eat but the parent continues to try! And…the power struggle ensues. After repeated coaxing, reminding, and begging – the child understands that this is a very effective way to exert power over his parents.
The 3 best strategies to end the power struggles over eating are…
1. Get your toddler involved!
Allow your child to have input in planning the family menu for the week – encourage him to select the vegetable or fruit. For each meal, give your child a meaningful role in meal preparation. For young toddlers, it can be as simple as removing grapes from the stem or washing veggies. Older toddlers can contribute to more complex aspects of meal preparation – measuring, stirring, etc. The more your child is involved in the planning and preparation, the more invested he will be in the meal.
2. Make “eating” the CHILD’s problem not YOURS! When toddlers refuse to eat the family meal or have a tantrum about what is served, it usually invokes a response from the parent – either “coaxing” to get the child to “just try it” or a display of frustration or anger. This attention gives the child a huge “power payoff.” Instead, put the child on notice that “you are no longer going to badger him about what he eats.” Let him know that “he is ‘growing up’ and can choose to eat what is served or not – either way, you are fine with it. But – you won’t be serving any other food until the next normally scheduled snack or meal.” This becomes the logical consequence – the child will eat at dinner/lunch – or he will be hungry.
3. STOP any discussion about what he eats, or how much he eats. What he eats – is his problem, not yours. Plan a healthy meal and include at least one healthy item you know he will eat. Don’t ask him to try one bite, don’t encourage him to eat more. If he eats – that’s great. If not – he’ll be hungry. That’s fine too. (Children will not starve by missing one meal – I promise!) Let him know that dinner ends at 6:30 (or whatever time) and remove the plates from the table. (Otherwise, he will try to outlast you hoping that you will provide food that is more to his liking). If he played with his food and didn’t eat – he’ll have an opportunity to try again at the next meal.
If he has a tantrum because “he’s staaaarving” – be totally unconcerned and go about your business. Remember that he gets a “payoff” when you REACT to his tantrum. Remove the payoff by ignoring the tantrum. Remind him that humans can survive for days without food but be sure to drink water because he does need to hydrate! Don’t reward the tantrum with a snack or the behavior will continue the next day and beyond!
Comment below with what has worked well – or not so well – in your family.
The key to avoiding power struggles in the first place is to remember two very simple but important sentences:
“We can’t control another person. All we can control is ourselves and the environment.”
On the surface, this seems obvious, but it’s terrifically challenging in practice. Deep down, we really do want to “control” our kids and even our spouse. “If they would just do what I want them to do, things would go so much more smoothly around here!”
But, think about it, we are all hard-wired with a need for free will or personal power. We can’t “make” our kids sleep 10 hours, eat broccoli or study for science. Try as we might – these things are in “their” control, not ours.
We can’t make our spouse turn off lights, wipe out the sink or want to have more sex. These things are in his or her control, not ours. When we try to impose our will on another person – boom – we have a power struggle.
No one wants to be told what to do, when or how to do it. It is a recipe for a battle. The minute we begin ordering, correcting and directing our kids or our spouse, the fight or flight response kicks in. In most cases, they don’t flee – so they fight back. It’s human nature.
To avoid power struggles with the ones we love, we have to get our brain around the idea that we can’t control another person. But the good news is that we can control ourselves – how we respond to whining, back talk, tantrums, not listening, etc. We can decide to participate in the power struggle or disengage.
And, we can control the environment with improved routines, natural and logical consequences and training.
Action Item: I encourage you to look at the power struggles in your relationships and ask yourself…”Am I trying to be in control?” If you frequently have power struggles with those you love, look first at yourself.
I’m not suggesting the power struggle paradigm shift is easy, but it is absolutely necessary to avoid power struggles and encourage cooperation and open communication with the ones you love. Positive Parenting Solutions Online is here to help.
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Are morning routines in your house already getting the best of you?
