This less-than-helpful word can be discouraging and confusing to kids when they hear it all the time, plus it only reinforces the bad behavior.
While it’s fine to say “no” and “don’t” sometimes, you’ll get more cooperation from your kids if you can avoid them.
Use these four strategies to cut back on the negatives and promote the positives:
Tell your kids what to DO. Start switching each “don’t” to a “do.” Instead of reminding your child, “Don’t track mud all over the floor!” try, “Please take off your shoes before coming into the house!” Swap, “Don’t chew on your sister’s
Lego’s,” with, “Please keep those out of your mouth.”
Just say “Yes!” While it’s quicker and easier to reply, “No,” when your child asks to go to the library while you’re knee-deep in closet re-organization, try substituting a, “Yes, that sounds great. I can take you later this afternoon
or tomorrow morning–which would you prefer?”
Replace, “No, you can’t go out and play. You haven’t finished your homework!” with, “You bet, you can play with your friends when you’ve finished your homework.”
Say thank-you in advance. Help your kids make an appropriate choice by taking this leap of faith. Your, “Thank you for hanging up your towel after your shower,” will encourage your kids toward good behavior much more than, “I better
not see your towel on the floor again!”
Another example: “Thank you for keeping all four chair legs on the floor,” will go over better than, “You’ll break your neck if you keep leaning back on your chair like that!”
Practice the positive through role-play. The most effective way to learn how to behave in a variety of situations is through proper training. Decide what kind of behavior you’d like your child to use (anything from taking turns to
addressing adults respectfully to making his bed properly), and then practice it in a low-pressure situation.
Role-playing with dolls or action figures will get younger kids excited, while a conversation (not a lecture) will help get older kids on board.
Making these changes to your communication style will require some effort on your part but the payoff will be worth it.
Your kids will feel more encouraged, they’ll develop a positive, empowered perception of themselves and you’ll enjoy better cooperation all around.
Looking for NO-YELLING strategies to get more cooperation from your kids? Join us for our FREE online class: How to Get Your Kids to LISTEN Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling. Find upcoming dates and times here.
Tired of Toddler Tantrums? Know the type of tantrum you’re dealing with!
There are two types of toddler tantrums. The first type is displayed by the child who has been dragged around all day running errands, has missed naptime and is feeling “trapped” by the confinement of a stroller. The child who “loses it” at the end of such a day probably just needs a hug in the moment and desperately needs for her parents to recognize and respect her need for routine and structure during the day.
The second type of toddler tantrum is a display of power and is used by the child to manipulate the parents into giving into the child’s demands. This type of tantrum might be a public meltdown in the grocery store, a verbal tirade or stomping away in a “huff” and slamming the door. The child is digging in his heels and saying, “you can’t make me” or “you had better give in, or else”. (The “or else” is the tantrum!)
As frustrating and maddening as toddler tantrums can be, they do “make sense” when we see it from the child’s perspective. The child is trying to get her way and she’s learned from past experience that having a total meltdown usually works! The next time toddler tantrums occur – remember these two key points:
Sometimes it’s like pulling teeth to get my kids to share ANYTHING! I’ll ask a question and get one word answers or their body language will tell me they’re not at all interested in discussing whatever I’m asking. Sometimes they’re tired or hungry or cranky and just don’t feel like talking. But there are other times when I recognize that my communication style is actually causing them to clam up.
I’ve found that I’m more successful in getting my kids to open up and have a real conversation if I use the following 3 strategies: Read More →
Are morning routines in your house already getting the best of you?
Instead of nagging, reminding or yelling your way through the morning schedule, consider implementing “When-Then Routines.”
A When-Then Routine is a tool to help your kids stay motivated to get everything done in the morning—even the “yucky” stuff like brushing teeth and getting dressed. It structures your morning so that all the not-so-fun tasks are completed before the most desirable part of the morning like breakfast (or morning playtime, TV time, etc.).
Your family’s when-then routine, which you create in advance, might sound like, “When you’re dressed, your hair is combed, the bed is made, and your backpack and lunch box are by the door, then breakfast will be served – but remember, the kitchen closes at 6:45!” Read More →
What do you do when Mom and Dad disagree on a discipline philosophy? Dealing with difficult behavior from toddlers or teens can be challenging in any family, but when Mom and Dad are at different ends of the discipline spectrum, everyone loses.
Fortunately, there are 5 simple strategies to bring you closer together in the discipline debate:
1. Start by identifying the aspects of parenting and discipline in which you DO agree. You’ll be more successful by beginning with a foundation of where you do agree rather than focusing energy on the many areas where you disagree.
2. Explore the underlying reasons why you disagree on parenting and discipline issues. Often, the differences relate to how you were raised or they come from a place of fear. Once you understand WHY you disagree, you can work towards common ground.
3. Start small. Begin with the non-negotiables for your family. These will typically involve the health and safety rules (wearing bike helmets, driving before dark, etc) and other areas your family values, like education (homework before playtime) or respect (name calling not tolerated.)
Agree on the limits and expectations for the non-negotiables and clearly communicate those to everyone. Be sure to follow through each and every time on the non-negotiables so your kids see that you are a unified front.
4. When tackling the day to day discipline dilemmas, ask yourselves the question: “What do we want our child to LEARN from this experience or discipline opportunity?” That helps you focus on what will be most helpful to your child. It’s not about winning – it’s about teaching your child to make the best possible choices in the future and learning from his mistakes along the way.
5. Seek support. If parents continue to disagree on parenting and discipline issues, consider a parenting education course or an objective 3rd party resource such as a family therapist. There is nothing more important than your family – find the support to help you align as a team.
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