This week we welcome Ellen Notbohm to the blog! Ellen is the author of the book, Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew. We chose a question asked by our Facebook community for Ellen to answer in her special guest post. Ellen’s advice is always helpful for parents of children with autism as well parents of typically developing children.
Posts Tagged children
We tend to think about gratitude more around the holidays but a growing body of research suggests that maintaining an attitude of gratitude all year long can improve psychological, emotional and physical well-being. Research from the Greater Good Science Center tells us that gratitude actually blocks toxic emotions even as it allows us to celebrate the present. What’s more, folks with a grateful heart are more stress-resistant and have a higher sense of self-worth. That’s got to be good for our kids, right?
For this post, we asked our Positive Parenting Solutions Facebook community for even more ideas on how they foster an attitude of gratitude with their kids during the holidays and throughout the year.
Here are some of their responses:
We have had a mason jar in our family room with a little square pad of paper and a pen next to it for years. We write notes
and then fold them up and stuff them into the jar. Then, on New Years Eve, we dump the jar and read all the little
notes from the year.
We purchased $5 gift cards to pass out randomly to a great cashier at the grocery store or someplace where the service has
been great…these people are often overlooked. We are also going to bring a box of treats and gift cards to
our local community outreach for the people who work there…since they give SO much of their time and devotion
to others, often on a volunteer basis.
Dinnertime conversation. Each person tells something about their day and we ask what their favorite part of their day was.
Now it is such a ritual that in the morning when I send them off I tell them to “look for their favorites” throughout
the day. They understand this and want to have something new to tell. But, for all of us, if we look for things
to be grateful for we will find that we are living in gratitude and joy.
Less is more! My kids don’t have hordes of toys, and we keep holiday and birthday gifts pretty low-key. I’ve found that with
less “stuff,” they’re more grateful for what they do have. I’m also trying to be better at finding ways to serve
others with my kids. There are so many opportunities out there, especially this time of year! Giving trees, soup
kitchens, you name it. Big or small. We gave some money and a pair of gloves to a homeless man and his dog on
our way to the grocery store a few days ago, and it had more of an impact on my five-year-old than I ever thought
it would.
We each have a notebook in our nightstands and at bedtime we each write (or dictate, age appropriate of course) 3 things
we are thankful for. Sometimes the kids can only muster 1, and I’m happy with that. It’s usually stuff like “ketchup”
or “birthdays” but sometimes it’s meaningful. (And I’m glad they appreciate ketchup! Lol!)
Every time they find a penny or coin say something they are grateful for. Um…it helps if hide some around the house randomly.
Or in the car or underwear drawer…etc.
Our family meetings start with us saying what each person is grateful for about another person at the table.
We clean out their toys every year, right before we decorate for Christmas, and donate them. I cap my children at
4 toys each year for Christmas and one item for their birthday. Making a lasting memorable holiday isn’t about
that one morning, when they open all their gifts. It’s about ice-skating as a family, or getting hot cocoa before
you go picking the tree together and Christmas movie nights snuggled on the couch… That’s what my husband and
I do with our two girls. We truly want these memories to last a lifetime. And I believe kids will see and eventually
appreciate what they have.
Kids must use all their allowance from November and December to make or purchase gifts for others. Visiting a nursing
home to see people who don’t have visitors on Christmas Eve.
I tell him about good things that happen to me, and to us and about how happy I am.
All my kids are teens and on Facebook. At the beginning of November, I reposted this status: “You are challenged
to put something in your status that you are thankful for everyday from November 1st thru Thanksgiving. (or November
through December – or any timeframe for that matter!) This challenge is designed… to remind you just how blessed
you are, and no matter what, how much you have to be thankful for! Will you repost and join the challenge?” My
kids even “liked” some of my statuses. It was so much fun trying to come up with something different each day,
I didn’t want it to end.
Have them make or do something for those less fortunate. Have them write “thank you” cards. Remind them that people
are giving gifts to them, they don’t HAVE to, so each present opened should receive a “thank you”. Giving them
less and focusing on the real meaning of Christmas.
I try every year to get my two daughters, age 8 and 3 years old, to participate in charity. Such as “Samaritan’s Purse Operation Christmas Child” for Christmas. You fill it with small items, toys and toiletries, which are then taken to other
countries… where children are in need. Letting my girls pick out these small items, gender specific, definitely
gives them an understanding that this is the season for “giving”.
I’m going to sponsor a child through Sharefish for each of my children, that way they can feel proud of helping another
child and I’ll have them send letters and drawings to them as well so they can develop a bond. I will explain
to them that for the price of a new Wii game they can help a child go to school and have food for a month.
We are grateful for YOU – our loyal Positive Parenting Solutions community. Thank you for sharing your ideas to foster an
attitude of gratitude and thank you for doing the hard work to be the best parent you can be for your precious kiddos!
Wishing you a blessed holiday!
I’m delighted welcome Farnoosh Torabi, personal finance expert and best selling author, to our blog. Farnoosh is committed to helping people live their richest, happiest lives.
Read on for practical strategies to to be positive financial role model for our kids…
Growing up my mom used to put some of our holiday gifts on layaway at the local TJ Maxx and Sears. For her, it was a great way to avoid debt and hide gifts from my sticky little hands. For me, it taught the importance of delaying gratification and how we really don’t own anything until we pay for it in full. My mom probably didn’t realize she was educating me on so much with just a short trip to the mall. But her actions spoke volumes.
In my best-selling book Psych Yourself Rich, I discuss all the many influences that shape our money habits, the greatest of which are our childhood and our parental influences. In fact 80 percent of children say they learn their healthy habits from the way their parents behave – including money habits — according to the American Psychological Association. And moms actually play a bigger role than dads, according to Ameriprise Financial’s National Survey on Financial Role Models. So when our parents fought about money or conversely kept silent about money, when they taught us to delay gratification or spoiled us rotten, all of that had a life-long impact.
To that end, here are some positive habits that we can all practice to give kids a lasting positive impression about money.
Use Cash
Using a credit card can be more convenient, but do you ever explain as you swipe what a credit card is? Do children understand that you’re making a promise to pay for all the items before the end of the month? Don’t underestimate the educational power of using cash. It teaches kids that money has its limits. When they see you pay $50 for groceries and then ask you for ice cream on car ride home you can explain that you used up all your cash for dinner, so you’ll need to make dessert at home. The cash is gone, simple as that. Credit cards, on the other hand, have the tendency to make money appear endless.
Price Compare
We tend to shop in a hurry or neglect to involve our kids in the decision-making process. I remember my parents taking me furniture shopping with them – as we’d go from store to store…to store – all with the mission of finding the best deal. It was nauseating for the 11-year old me, but the message of why you need to price compare came across loud and clear. The same drill occurred when my parents went house hunting. I would overhear their discussions and watch as they financially sized up each home.
Next time you take your kids on a shopping excursion make sure to explain why you’re buying what you’re buying, especially big-ticket items. Is it a need or a want? How have you compared prices? Why did you ultimately go with the choice you did?
Spend Time, Not Money
It’s normal to have “mommy” or “daddy guilt” that results from not spending “enough” time with your kids. So what do you we do? We buy them stuff to compensate for lost time; as if that money can buy back lost time.
Don’t underestimate the time you spend with your kids. Sociologists Suzanne M. Bianchi, John P. Robinson, and Melissa A. Milkie found that despite what it seems and despite the fact that there are more women in the workforce, parents actually spend more time today with their kids than they did 35 years ago. Still, their survey found nearly 9 out of 10 parents don’t believe they spend enough time with their kids.
Avoid Hand-Outs
Allowances aside, giving handouts to your kids on a frequent basis with no strings attached can come back to haunt you when they’re older. Two out of five parents say they’ve bailed their adult children to help pay for their bills, according to a poll by CreditCards.com. If your kids ask for money, make them work for it or present a trade-off, like “I’ll give you $20 for the movies this weekend, but you’ll need to babysit your brother next Friday night as a trade-off.”
Pay Allowance On Time
If you have decided to give your child a weekly or monthly allowance, stick to it, unless, of course, your child breaks rules. But if all goes well and it’s the second Friday of the month and you don’t have the allowance ready, it may send the signal that you don’t need to always be on time with your financial commitments.
Farnoosh Torabi is your go-to personal finance expert, author of bestseller When She Makes More, host of Follow the Leader on CNBC and So Money podcast. Learn more from Farnoosh at: www.farnoosh.tv
We are thrilled to welcome Divorce Coach, Christina McGhee, to our blog. Christina specializes in helping separated and divorced parents raise happy and secure kids.
Figuring out how to take care of children after you separate is one of the most stressful aspects of divorce.
However, when decisions about your children’s future get handed over to the legal system, without a doubt, children will
suffer.
In order to stay in control of how life changes for your children, it’s important to be proactive and open-minded.
For the most successful outcome, keep the following three tips in mind:
1. Avoid a cookie cutter approach to life after divorce. One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make is instead of making a plan that fits their children’s lives, they try to make their children lives fit a plan.
Do your best to base decisions around your CHILDREN’S needs.
What works for one family might not work for you. Before developing arrangements,
think about what life was like for your kids BEFORE the divorce. Ask yourself:
How will you maintain your child’s active relationship with both parents?
How will you provide them with flexible structure?
For example, if Dad took Billy to baseball practice every Tuesday and Thursday, then he should continue doing that. If Mom
picks up the kids every afternoon because Dad works till 6 o’clock, do your best to maintain those routines and connections
for your kids.
It may also help to put things into perspective and take a look at the big picture.
How will the choices you are making today affect your children’s lives one year from now, five years from now?
Bottom line: Think outside the box. Don’t limit your options to court based solutions.
2. Support a two home concept. Children benefit MOST when they feel connected to BOTH homes.
Don’t talk about one home as their “real” home and the other household as a place to visit.
If you can’t provide your children with their own room then create a special space where they can keep their things and find them when they’re with you.
It’s also important to avoid using legalese, ditch words like visit, visitation, custody, residential parent, non-residential parent, etc.
Instead talk about time with Mom, time with Dad, Mom’s house, Dad’s house and instead of custody arrangements use phrases like parenting schedules or parenting time.
3. Don’t be a broker of time. Arrangements should NOT be about fairly dividing the hours and minutes of your children’s day-to-day lives.
Avoid focusing exclusively on how much time Johnny is spending with you. Instead, put your energy into thinking about how you will make Johnny’s time with you meaningful.
Parents often ask me if sharing equal time between homes is a good idea. My answer is usually that depends. Equal time in each household is not going to help your kids if they are living in the middle of a war zone.
The key to success is developing a relationship with your ex that places CHILDREN as the TOP priority.
That means having good communication skills and the ability to be flexible with one another.
Can you share information about school events and activities?
Can you talk to each other without arguing in front of the kids or being cold and stand-offish?
Are you willing to live in the same community to make things easier for your kids?
Will you be flexible with one another?
These are some of the factors that will dictate whether sharing equal time is good for kids.
Anything is possible when parents are able to let their feelings about each other take a backseat to making life work for
their kids.
About the Author
Christina McGhee is an internationally recognized divorce coach, speaker and author of the highly acclaimed book, Parenting Apart, How separated and divorced parents can raise happy and secure kids. For helpful articles and resources, visit: http://www.divorceandchildren.com.
The line between being a supportive, engaged, sports-loving parent and applying too much pressure on kids is easily crossed. To avoid embarrassing your child and making him/her feel more pressure than he/she already feels about playing the game – we recommend these strategies:
During the Game
Avoid criticizing referees. This teaches the child to have a victim mentality and reinforces that it’s okay to blame others for his/her performance. Even if the call is wrong, the referee is doing his/her best.
Use ENCOURAGING comments during the game. Save constructive feedback for one-on-one discussions with your child after the emotion of the game has passed.
Avoid coaching from the sidelines. Nothing frustrates a coach more than when a parent yells, “shoot the ball” when the play intended for your child to “pass the ball
Show unconditional support. Immediately following the game – win or lose – put your arm around your child and give encouraging feedback.
After the Game
Focus on effort and improvement versus winning or losing. If the child believes it’s all about winning – he may come to believe he can never please you. Comment on the improvement since the beginning of the season or since last year. Acknowledge how his/her extra practice is showing on the field. 
The child will naturally bring up the topic of whether the team won or lost. Celebrate wins – but tie them to specific behaviors. What did your team do (or did you do) that contributed to the win? Same thing for losses – what could your team/you do differently next time?
Counter-balance your child’s complaints about the referee. Remind the child that both teams had the same referee and like players, some referees are more skilled and experienced than others. It’s part of playing sports.
Come Clean. If you do “lose it” during a game, come clean with your child after the game. Let him/her know that you were frustrated/angry with the referee/the other team, etc. – but it is NOT OKAY to demonstrate that frustration/anger with yelling and behaving poorly from the sidelines.
This teaches your child that feelings are okay – but the way you express those feelings is not always okay. Apologize for embarrassing your child (even if he says he wasn’t embarrassed – assume he was) and reinforce that this is an area you are working on improving. You will earn great respect in the your child’s eyes by “coming clean.”
There’s a lot to cheer for when it comes to athletics. Not only do our kids develop a sense of teamwork and stay in shape, they develop traits such as responsibility, accountability and resilience. Follow these tips to be your child’s biggest fan on and off the field.
