You’ve given effort, money, and timeless hours of chaperoning for practices and games. You’re invested. It’s only natural you want your kid to win.
You just can’t help but get a little too vocal about it.
Or maybe you notice that other parents argue with the refs and yell at poor plays. They shout questionable advice to the players and contradict the coach’s advice.
It’s classic “coaching from the sidelines,” and you see it at just about every youth sporting event.
And while a little vocal cheerleading can be encouraging…when does it become a problem? And are there better approaches?
Below is a set of 9 strategies to model while striving to mold your kids into good sports—all while keeping sideline coaching in check.
Model Sportsmanship During Family Games at Home
Family games offer far more than fun. They teach kids—very early on—to lose gracefully, win humbly, and appreciate gamesmanship more than a win-or-lose outcome.
But parents know all-too-well that family games can also end in fights, tears, and emotional shut-downs. What is supposed to be a fun activity often ends in melodrama…and everyone is frustrated!
Some of this angst is certainly part of the learning process. Plus, it’s a low-stakes arena for learning how to fail (and realizing that failing isn’t really the end of the world).
But parents can also teach sportsmanship by minimizing their own competitive instincts (if necessary) and remaining light-hearted and unemotional over defeat.
It also helps to choose the right games. Younger kids have an even chance of winning games based on luck. They also learn a lot from non-competitive games (like scavenger hunts, charades, or Simon Says) and activities based on cooperative play.
As kids grow older, they slowly begin to thrive in more competitive games based on skill.
Should I Let My Kids Win?
This doesn’t mean letting your kids win! However, by selectively choosing games, you can eliminate the need to cater to disadvantages and level the playing field. Kids won’t win all the time…but they won’t lose all the time, either!
To avoid a total blowout and make games more fair, parents can:
- Choose developmentally appropriate games — which might be different from your child’s actual age.
- Pick games based on luck as opposed to skill — giving younger children as much chance to win as any other player.
- Play in teams of two — with a child and an adult on one team.
- Give children a head start or a point differential. (If doing this, be upfront as to why. You could say, “I’ve played this game a lot, and you haven’t, so you can have a head start.”
Keep Realistic Expectations for Your Child’s Sports Journey
You’ve signed up your eight-year-old for his first session of Little League. Visions of college sports scholarships dance in your head. After all, he’s really gotten into baseball! Successful athletes generally have an outstanding support system—and you’re all in.
But every time your son steps up to bat, he strikes out. Due to this and other factors, the team keeps losing.
You try to talk to the coach to see what you can to encourage a winning season. It’s the least you can do. You even volunteer your services as assistant coach. You want to make this a better experience for your son so he doesn’t want to give up.
The issue is, your pinpointed focus on winning has led your son to lose interest in baseball altogether.
Without pause, you should win the parenting prize for effort. You clearly want to help! But consider what your expectations are. It is your son’s first season in Little League and striking out—and losing—is part of the game!
Instead of focusing on the results of the game, focus on what the players are doing well. It could be the fly balls they catch or even the small positive efforts they make at practice. It could be asking the coach what your son can work on to improve his swing and taking him to the batting cage to practice.
Verbally encourage your son and his teammates anytime they show effort to improve—either at practice or during a game. Just keep the comments constructive!
It shouldn’t matter how often your son strikes out or how many games his team loses. What does matter is how your son—and his team—handle their failures. Do they plan to give up? Or will their shared disappointment translate into a more cohesive unit of hard work and resilience?
No true athlete is defeated by loss. It just spurs more determination. So don’t expect wins; expect and embrace losses.
Model Respect for Coaches, Referees, and Fellow Players
We’re our kids’ most ardent cheerleaders. But when we’re so emotionally involved in our kids’ success, some of us can inadvertently grow overbearing.
Imagine a parent constantly shouting out, “You’re a star, beat those guys!” Or, “Show ‘em what you’re made of!”
Too much public commentary can be embarrassing for kids. And we should always consider whether certain phrases may be disrespectful to other players. In kids’ sports, the focus shouldn’t be creaming the opposing team. It should be playing a decent, fair game.
Also, this is not professional territory. The coaches and referees are probably volunteers. It can be easy to disagree with a referee’s or a coach’s decision, but showing respect to everyone involved—regardless of a terrible play or bad call—helps keep the atmosphere at a kid-friendly level.
Don’t forget; your kids are constantly learning from your example. If you’re a hot-headed John McEnroe, they may follow your lead and believe that arguing—rather than determinedly moving past a disappointing result—is a more effective strategy.
And if you have concerns or ideas you’d like to run by the coach, you can always schedule a private meeting. A one-on-one discussion can produce far more productivity than anything shouted haphazardly in the middle of a game.
Lost Your Cool on the Sidelines? How to Apologize and Move Forward
It’s okay to get animated, excited, and shout positive affirmations! But If you do find yourself yelling at players, the referees, or the coach, you need to apologize.
As parents, we make mistakes and exhibit occasional outbursts. But if we can admit when we’ve behaved inappropriately and apologize for it, it sets a crucial example. And that example is not to expect perfection from ourselves, but to acknowledge when we’ve erred and try to do better!
Maybe you’ve volunteered to be your child’s basketball team coach. You thought it’d be full of wholesome bonding, but it’s harder than you expected. While your patience grows thin and your coaching strategies become strained, you start criticizing some of the kids’ moves.
It’s important to keep perspective and remember that this is “just a game.” While we want our teams and players to win, modeling an even temperament and maintaining that “good game”, high-five attitude during and after a game is the best thing our kids can learn from being part of a team.
Dealing with Overbearing Sports Parents: What to Do
It’s impossible to control the attitudes of other coaches or parents, but by modeling our own good behavior, it can sometimes temper the competitiveness of the opposing team and their parents.
You can also try to engage in conversation with overly verbal parents to distract them. Ask them about their love of the game. Maybe they were former players and would love to see their kids follow in their footsteps.
Blaming or confronting parents publicly can make things worse, so if things get out of hand, you can always mention your concerns to the coach or a referee. Otherwise, try to shake it off and model good behavior for other parents, too.
Support Your Child’s Passions—Even if It’s Not Sports
Wouldn’t it be glorious to raise the next all-star athlete? Of course it would! It’s a parent’s dream come true. But is it your child’s dream, too?
When kids are playing sports they are interested in, there isn’t any underlining negativity about not wanting to be involved. They can have fun and learn the rules of the game without parents pushing them into uncomfortable territory.
On the other hand, when kids want to try as many sports as possible, they have to learn how to prioritize. As long as their schedule isn’t overwhelming and the challenge of each sport remains fun, it’s wonderful exposure for kids to be a part of more than one team. So hang in there, chaperone!
Should I Let My Child Quit a Sport? What to Consider
It can be extremely frustrating when parents sign their kids up for a team or activity and their child begs to quit after a practice or two. Especially when it was a sport they wanted to try!
If kids ask to quit a team based on one bad practice or game, it’s good to teach them to try again and persevere. Not every experience on the court or field will be positive. You may have paid for them to be a part of this experience. Their team may be counting on them. This is resilience training at its best!
However, if the experience is traumatic, or you don’t see much value left in your child seeing the season through (either for your child or the team), quitting is understandable—and may be the best option.
You can always talk to your child’s coach to help make the best determination.
There’s always next season!
Final Thoughts on Raising a Good Sport Who Loves the Game
With the proper support, training, and role modeling in place, your child can become a strong and powerful all-star athlete. But even more importantly? You’ll be raising a mentally resilient and cooperative sportsman/sportswoman who knows what it means to be a team player.
And any positive team player can translate that sportsmanship to all aspects of life. What could be more beneficial for kids dedicating their time and their hearts to their sports?
So, let’s hear it…GO TEAM!
