parenting

3 Questions Your Child Wants Dad to Answer

By Guest Post on June 10, 2017 / parenting

A Guest Post from Dr. Meg Meeker–pediatrician, mother and best-selling author of six books.

A Quick Note from Amy: Here at Positive Parenting Solutions, we know that every family looks a little different. We serve single-parent homes, blended families, multi-generational families, and everything in between.

Our intention with this blog post isn’t to imply that only “dads” can answer these questions below, but rather to offer some insight into the questions that ALL children would like answered from an adult in their life.

My friend, Meg, is simply using the story of her childhood to share this sentiment, and in her case, it involves her dad. But if you feel that might be triggering to you, please feel free to check out other posts in our Learning Center.

When I was 8 years old, my father took me to work with him on Saturday mornings to Mass General Hospital in Boston. I would sit at his gigantic desk, spin in his chair and when he finished, we would walk to a pastry shop and have a snack.

He ordered coffee and I drank hot chocolate. As I look back, it feels like my father took me every Saturday, but truth be told, he probably only took me four or five times. But on those Saturday mornings, I felt important and loved.

Those feelings stayed with me for decades and shaped how I saw the world and myself. Your father shaped who you became – for good or ill.

Now, your son or daughter looks to their father to find simple answers to three critical questions that will shape the men and women they become.

And here’s the good news: you, as your children’s mother, can help him answer those questions in a positive way (even if you are divorced.)

If your children don’t have a father in their lives, you can help a father-substitute like a grandfather, uncle or stepfather answer them too.

Question 1: Dad, how do you REALLY feel about me?

Children read their fathers for clues about what he feels about them. They do this because they have a primal need to connect with and feel loved by their dads.

Once they realize how he feels about them, they internalize those feelings and their identity takes shape.

Think back when you were a child. If you felt loved by your dad, your self-esteem soared but if you felt rejected or shamed, you still live with that pain.

Today, your children look to their father to figure out how he really feels about them. Fathers may say they love their children, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that those kids feel loved.

When he walks into a room, they watch his body language, listen to the tone of his voice and hang on his words. Why? To find out what he feels about them at that very moment.

If they feel loved, they may run out and play, do their homework, or ask him to go for a bike ride. If they feel unwanted, rejected or unloved, they will hide from him and blame themselves for his feelings for a very long time.

As mothers we can help fathers answer this critical question. First, we can encourage them to verbalize “I love you” to each of our kids. Some men have difficulty saying the words because they never heard it from their dads.

If your husband struggles with saying things to your kids, encourage him to write a handwritten letter and put it in your child’s backpack or leave it on the bed.

I guarantee–when your child sees her father’s handwriting on the paper, she will never throw the letter away. And when you encourage your husband (and especially your ex-husband) to tell your kids he loves them, never use a demeaning or critical tone. Men only respond well if they feel respected and appreciated.

Question 2: Dad, what do you BELIEVE about me?

Just as children read their fathers for clues about how he feels about them, they search for answers about what he believes about them. You did this as a child.

Your father either made you feel smart, capable and strong, or he made you feel stupid, incapable and insignificant. And chances are, you feel that way today.

When I was 21, I applied to many medical schools and was rejected by each one. I felt despondent and went to live with my parents until I figured out a plan B.

One evening I passed by my father’s study and overheard him talking to a friend on the phone. I heard him say, “My daughter Meg will be going to medical school in the next couple of years.”

I was stunned and thrilled. More profoundly, I felt in that moment that if my Dad said I was going, it was a done deal. That’s the power in a father’s words.

His words changed my life in about 20 seconds because he communicated that he believed in me more than I believed in myself. Every child needs to learn from his father–that he, their dad, believes that they can lead a successful life.

We, mothers, can teach fathers how crucial their beliefs about their kids are because they-dads-have the power to make or break a child’s self-esteem.

The best way to do this is by describing to your husband how your kids respond when they feel he believes in them. You could say, “When I saw Johnny miss that goal and you put your arm around him and said, ‘keep your chin up pal’ I saw his whole demeanor change. Hearing that you believe in him made him go from being sad to hopeful in a quick minute. Thank you.”

Question 3: Dad, what are your HOPES for me?

Every one of us needs hope in order to get through daily struggles. So do our kids.

One of the best ways to help children stay hopeful is to talk with them about their future. When fathers chat with kids about what life will be like in their twenties, thirties and forties, fathers communicate that they know the child can have a full and successful life.

Most kids don’t think about life past the age of 25. Many believe that all the fun must be had before then so they often pack their teen years with crazy and often dangerous behaviors.

One of the best things a father can do is dream with his kids. Fathers shouldn’t set specific expectations; rather they should help the child craft the specifics of his future. Then, he can let his child know that his job as a father is to link arms with him and help him get there.

As your child’s mother, you can encourage your husband to dream with your kids. Let him know how important his words are to them and that when he tells them he’ll be with them for the long haul, they see their futures as bright and promising.

Every child wants and needs more from his or her dad. And we mothers have tremendous influence over how our child’s father communicates to our kids. We can choose to help them love and support our kids by being respectful, kind and affirming when we talk to them or we can tear the bond they have with our kids by criticizing and shaming them.

One of the best gifts that we mothers can give our children is a healthier relationship with their fathers and every one of us can do that–married or not.

Final Thoughts from Amy

We are so grateful to have Meg share her wisdom on our blog! I know parenting can be tough–and it can be even more difficult when parents disagree on discipline.

But, by encouraging your children’s father (or father-figure) to patiently and openly answer these 3 questions–both with their words and with their actions–you will continue to increase your child’s self-esteem and capabilities.

If you feel like your child is constantly weighted down by fear, insecurities, and anxiety–or if they are acting out from a place of fear and insecurities (which is more likely the case)–I’d love for you to JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS.

The Positive Parenting techniques I teach all significantly increase a child’s feelings about themselves and their family. By meeting each child’s basic needs for belonging and significance you’ll see a vast improvement in the way your child carries himself.

As always, wishing you the best on your parenting journey!

Title image: George Rudy / Shutterstock https://www.shutterstock.com/photos

About the Author

Meg Meeker, MD is the author of the best-selling Hero: Being the Strong Father Your Children Need.

Dr. Meeker
is a pediatrician, who has practiced pediatric and adolescent medicine for 30 years. She is the author of the on-line
course The Strong Parent Project: The 12 Principles of Raising Great Kids as well as six books including
the best-selling Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: Ten Secrets Every Father Should Know;
Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons; Your Kids at Risk: How Teen Sex Threatens Our Sons and Daughters; The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose and Sanity; Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: The 30 Day Challenge and Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Lessons Mothers Need to Raise Extraordinary Men, (Ballantine) April 2014. She is a popular speaker on pediatric health issues and child-parent relationships.

The Parents’ Guide to the X-Plan: How to Hold Up Your End of the Bargain

By Amy McCready on March 7, 2017 / parenting

You may have seen a recent post by a dad, Bert Fulks entitled X-Plan: Giving Your Kids a Way Out.

The article recently went viral, and for good reason. In it, Bert shared a powerful strategy that helped his children safely remove themselves from situations that were dangerous or uncomfortable. With a bonus – they could still save face with their friends.

How does the X-plan work?

If one of his kids were ever out and found themselves in a predicament in which they realized they were in over their heads or headed for trouble, they would text a member of the family with just the letter “X.”

In return, that family member would text back a message which expressed an urgent need for the child to come home immediately, and that someone was on the way to pick them up.

To make it plausible for the teen to use this exit strategy, the agreement was that there would be no questions asked. If the child chose to share what happened – great; but there would be no pressure, helicoptering, or lecturing involved.

The beauty of the X-Plan is that the child doesn’t have to feel embarrassed or be mocked by his peers because the reason for leaving is a family emergency. And, most importantly, the child is SAFE.

As the X-Plan went viral, most parents agreed putting a safety system like this in place is a great idea and one that could potentially keep a lot of kids out of harm’s way.

However, the “no-lecture, no-pressure, no-prying” part of the plan is where it gets tricky for a lot of parents. I get it. As fear kicks in, you want to know every detail about what was happening that made your child uncomfortable enough to signal for
help. And, you want to ensure it won’t happen again.

It’s hard. But, a deal has to be a deal. This kind of safety plan ONLY works if the parent does their part. We have to give our kids the space to make the tough call (or text in this case) without the expectation of getting in trouble or hearing a sermon.
If they fear punishment, lectures, and life-lessons, it’s game-over. They won’t reach out with the X-Plan, which can most certainly put them in harm’s way.

Instead, try these strategies to cultivate a relationship where your kids aren’t afraid to let you in:

1. Take a deep breath first.

It’s easy to over-react when we know our kid has been in a potentially dangerous situation. Unfortunately, that will be the undoing of the safety plan. Instead, stop for a minute. Give yourself time to settle in.

When you do, it’s easier to spare them the sermons, support your child, and keep your end of the bargain.

2. Save the life-lessons for another time.

Take advantage of teachable moments outside of an incident by talking about your own experiences at their age, or using a news story, a movie or magazine article as a catalyst for talking about difficult topics. Role-play the words to use in uncomfortable situations.

3. Acknowledge and appreciate honestly.

When your child tells you the truth, especially a tough one, let them know you admire their courage to do so and that you are proud of them.

4. Reinforce that you love them unconditionally.

Let them know that no matter what, you are there for them.

5. Change the way you look at mistakes.

Mistakes are part of the learning curve for all of us. When your kid feels like it won’t be the end of the world to come to you when they’ve messed up – you’re on the right path!

Let them know you’re there to support them, help them learn from mistakes and move on. You’ll find they’ll be more likely to turn to you when they need help again.

Final Thoughts

Kudos to Burt Fulks for raising awareness and creating an opportunity to jump-start safety conversations between parents and kids all over the globe.

Our world is filled with potential tough spots for kids, so helping them navigate those decisions safely while finding their tribe is a powerful way to be a great parent.

I encourage you to do just that. Use Fulk’s article to talk to your kids and work together on a code word and a plan that is unique and makes sense for you and your family. Stay safe!

Title Image: Darren Baker / Shutterstock www.shutterstock.com/photos

How I Changed from a Toxic Mom-Manager to an Encouraging Soul Builder

By Guest Post on February 23, 2017 / parenting

Guest post from New York Times bestselling author, Rachel Macy Stafford

There was a time in my life when I barked orders more often than I spoke words of love … when I reacted to small everyday inconveniences as if they were major catastrophes … when normal human habits and quirks raised my blood pressure to dangerous levels.

Rather than nurturing my family members, I took it upon myself to manage my family members until there was no room to bend or breathe.

My artistic, busybody, dream-chasing older daughter’s desire to start projects, try new recipes, and leave trails wherever she went received disapproving looks on a daily basis.

My stop-and-smell-the-roses younger daughter’s desire to buckle in stuffed animals before we drove off, accessorize every part of her body before walking out the door, and move at a snail’s pace drew exasperated breaths and annoyed frowns.

My fun-loving, laidback husband’s spontaneous approach to weekend plans and ability to totally chill out got the silent treatment more times than I could count.

The people I was supposed to love unconditionally possessed qualities that irritated, annoyed, and continually derailed my carefully planned agenda–an agenda that was all about efficiency, perfection, and control.

I was not acting as a mother or a wife or even a decent human being. I was acting as a surly manager who was intent on creating a toxic environment–a place where it was pretty hard to show up each and every day.

How do I know?

Because even I could barely stand myself. I woke up angry and irritated, bracing myself for another day of managing the unmanageable. Forget about living. Forget about smiling. Forget about counting the blessings. The Grumpy Manager didn’t do that. And everyone in the home began following suit.

Hair brushing was a point of contention. Each morning my older daughter obediently allowed me to brush hastily as I pretended not to see her wincing. We were in a rush after all. I hated to be late.

When it was my younger daughter’s turn she would always ask if she could brush her own hair today. My response alternated between, “We don’t have time today,” and “When you get a little bigger.”

On this particular morning my then four-year-old child did not ask if she could brush her own hair. I was relieved. I could get this hair into a ponytail, prod her to put on her shoes quickly, and be out the door in less than two minutes I calculated–because managers always calculate.

As I aggressively gathered Avery’s unruly curls into my palm, I happened to get a glance at my reflection. My brows were knotted together tightly. My mouth set was in a hard, thin line. I looked haggard, hopeless, and sad. I would have dismissed this disturbing sight had it not been for the fact that my child was staring at my reflection too.

If expressions could talk, my child’s face would have said this loud and clear: Who are you? Where did my mama go?

I felt my face grow hot. I felt tears wanting to come forth, but I blinked them back–because managers know there’s no time for tears.

But instead of continuing to brush with vigor, I suddenly stopped. With trembling hands, I held out the hairbrush to my child.

“How would you do it?” I asked in a shaky voice.

At first she looked shocked, as if I was offering her a hairy tarantula. But as I continued to hold out the brush, Avery eventually picked it up.

With small but agile hands, my daughter brushed the sides of her hair from top to bottom until the hair was silky smooth. She then carefully draped her hair softly over her shoulders and smiled proudly at her reflection. The manager in me noticed she did not brush the back of her head, but I remained quiet.

My child met my eyes in the mirror. “Thank you, Mama! I always wanted to do that.”

With those words, I felt as though I’d been given a gift. I vowed to look for more potential hairbrush offerings to reduce the managing and increase the nurturing in my interactions with my loved ones. It didn’t take long to see there were many opportunities to open my hands and ask: How would you do it?

The way my spouse took care of the children, tidied his area of the bedroom, prepared meals, put away the groceries, and paid the bills were not wrong–just different from the way I do things.

The way my older daughter packed her swim team bag, emptied her swim team bag, saved money, selected gifts, completed projects, did homework, and baked cookies were not wrong–just different from the way I do things.

The way the chatty clerk bagged my groceries, the way my colleague took ten extra steps to accomplish a task, the way my sister sipped coffee and read the paper before starting our day together were not wrong–just different from the way I do things.

How would you do it? I commonly asked when the control freak inside me began to get agitated. As I watched the people in my life do it their way … in their own time … with their own flair, I saw sparks of joy I didn’t see before. And just like with Avery and the hairbrush, I learned each person had specific Soul-Building Words that fueled that spark.

Over time, I’ve collected quite a powerful list of words that helped me love my people in ways that helped them thrive. Like sunlight and water to a plant, these words nourish the deepest parts of their human hearts and foster growth in all areas of their lives. Hence, I called them Soul-Building Words.

What are Soul Building Words?

“I will wait for you.”
“Take your time.”
“You make my day better.”

I say those words to my slow-moving, happy-go-lucky, noticer of life child.

I watch as grateful eyes light up and tiny shoulders relax.

Those words are Soul-Building Words to her.

“Mistakes mean you are learning.”
“It doesn’t have to be perfect.”
“Okay, you can have a few more minutes to work on your project.”

I say those words to my driven, contentious planner and pursuer of dreams child.

I watch as pressure escapes from her chest and aspirations soar higher.

Those words are Confidence-Boosting Words to her.

“I appreciate you.”
“I’m listening.”
“You matter.”

I say those words to my hard-working, often underappreciated love of my life.

I watch as tensions loosen, eyes meet, and conversation comes easier.

Those words are Affirming and Connective Words to him.

“It’s good enough for today.”
“Be kind to yourself.”
“Today matters more than yesterday.”

I say those words to my own perfection-seeking, worrisome heart that tends to replay past mistakes.

I watch as my clenched hands open and tears fall as scars come to the surface.

Those are Healing, Hope-Filled Words to me.

The words “I love you” should never be underestimated, but every human being has a few words that make his or her soul come alive.

Final Thoughts from Amy

Rachel is a breath of fresh air in parenting circles. Her thoughtful discernment and ability to navigate the busyness of motherhood with a simplistic joy is inspiring.

Rachel’s thoughts on soul-building words are such an encouragement and are wise instruction for those of us who strive to use positive parenting techniques in their homes.

If you’d like to learn more positive parenting strategies that will help you rekindle the joy of motherhood once again, I’d love for you to JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS.

In one hour, I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen–no nagging, yelling or reminding required.

By using these strategies you’ll give up your toxic mom manager tendencies and becoming an encouraging soul-builder–just like Rachel encouraged us to be.