How to Help a Child Who Bullies: 6 Positive Parenting Strategies to Break the Cycle

Is My Child a Bully? What to Do When You Get That Call

Just got a call from the school—and your child was involved in a bullying incident?

Hearing that your child hurt or intimidated another student can bring a tidal wave of emotions: shock, guilt, confusion, even defensiveness.

And while there’s lots of support for kids who are bullied (rightfully so), parents of kids who bully are often left feeling ashamed and alone.

The truth? Your child isn’t a “bad kid.” Bullying behavior is a signal—often driven by unmet needs, lagging social skills, emotional struggles, or power imbalances.

With the right tools, you can help your child build empathy, make better choices, and stop harmful behavior before it becomes a lasting pattern.

Why We Don’t Label Kids “Bullies”

At Positive Parenting Solutions, we don’t use the word bully to label a child. Why?

Because labels like “bully” don’t just describe behavior — they define identity. They make kids feel hopeless, misunderstood, and even more disconnected from the very support they need to change.

Instead of shame, we use curiosity and connection to uncover what’s driving the aggressive behavior.

Whether it’s insecurity, social struggles, attention-seeking, or a learned pattern of aggression, there’s always a reason behind the misbehavior—and a path forward.

In this article, we’ll use bullying as a verb—to describe actions, not identity.

Because your child is not a bully. They’re a child who needs guidance, empathy, and better tools.

Why Kids Bully: What’s Really Behind the Behavior

Bullying is as old as time, but we know that doesn’t make it okay. It’s our job as parents and as a society to make the world better for everyone–even if that means combatting something widespread.

Some experts assert that aggressive behavior may have evolutionary roots. But, based on a child’s circumstances and environment, it is most certainly an environmental/learned behavior, too.

According to Stomp Out Bullying, kids can become more inclined towards intimidation when they:

Wrestle with emotional issues
Feel insecure/powerless/lack attention
Are bullied by someone else
Have social difficulties
Lack empathy

Signs Your Child May Be Struggling With Bullying Behavior

If you’re worried your child may be wrestling with these issues but aren’t quite sure, here are some red flags to watch out for:

According to StopBullying.gov, there are multiple indications your child is becoming confrontational. These behaviors may include:

Getting into physical or verbal fights
Hanging out with friends who bully others
Acting increasingly aggressive
Getting sent to the principal’s office or to detention frequently
Having unexplained extra money or new belongings
Blaming others for their problems
Not accepting responsibility for their actions
Competitiveness and worrying about their reputation or popularity

If any of these behaviors are noticeable, it’s a good idea to try to talk to your child about things that could be bothering them. You can also reach out to the school if maintaining open communication is difficult.

And be aware that these behaviors start young! According to Joel Haber, PhD, a bullying prevention expert, negative social behaviors can begin:

“We see at three that girls pair off to become best friends and exclude another. That’s at three years old. So by the time they get to elementary school and middle school, they’re pros.”

The Long-Term Impact of Bullying Behavior

Bullying is never something to take lightly. In fact, society is finally beginning to recognize that it’s an issue that must be dealt with. The impact can be truly devastating.

Bullying Is an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE)

According to experts on childhood trauma, bullying is considered an ACE—an Adverse Childhood Experience that can increase a child’s risk of depression, anxiety, poor relationships, and long-term health struggles. Whether a child is being bullied or bullying others, these early experiences can have real consequences if not addressed with empathy and care.

Aggression Can Become a Vicious Cycle

Kids who experience aggression—at home, online, or in their peer group—may repeat that behavior with others. It’s not about “being mean”; it’s often a learned response to feeling powerless or unsafe.

Stopping bullying behavior isn’t just about protecting other kids. It’s also about protecting your child from getting stuck in a damaging behavioral loop.

How to Help a Child Who Bullies: 6 Positive Parenting Strategies

So what can you do if your child is bullying others—or showing early signs of aggressive or hurtful behavior?

These six positive parenting strategies will help you address the root causes, guide your child toward empathy, and stop the behavior without shame or punishment.

1. Focus on Discipline, Not Punishment

At Positive Parenting Solutions, we talk a lot about the difference between discipline and punishment. The distinction is crucial!

According to Jane Nelsen, the author of Positive Discipline, the most basic explanation is that punishment, like spanking, is anything that inflicts blame, shame and/or pain. It is a reactive, rather than proactive, response to a misbehavior, and it doesn’t teach kids why certain behavior is wrong or how to act differently next time.

And, what’s equally detrimental–it turns their anger towards you and others.

Discipline, on the other hand, correlates misbehavior to its outcomes without unnecessary negativity. In fact, well-engineered logical consequences teach kids that their own actions dictate results–all with respect and without judgment.

It may seem counterintuitive, but misbehaving kids need more love and understanding than ever. Yes, they may need to face discipline and consequences, but punishment? Never! That will only make things worse.

Here are some tools to try immediately with EVERY child–especially one singling out other kids to pick on or otherwise harm.

2. Prioritize Daily Mind, Body, and Soul Time® Connection

As mentioned earlier, many kids feel insecure, powerless, and a lack of attention. And, according to Adlerian Psychology (which provides the basis for positive parenting) all children crave a sense of belonging and significance.

Yes. Aggressive kids may seem rough, tough, and unruly, but in many cases, that hard exterior is just a lack of feeling emotionally connected and knowing they matter. They may be suffering from a lack of positive, one-on-one time and attention with mom and dad.

Mind, Body, and Soul Time® togetherness is the most important tool in positive parenting, because, when a child feels a deep emotional connection with his parents or caregivers, we fend off a tremendous amount of misbehavior from occurring in the first place.

Really?? REALLY!!

When we talk about targeting the root source of misbehavior, Mind, Body, and Soul Time hits a bullseye. It tells kids they are valued, loved, and respected despite their failures and shortcomings–maybe even because of them. It gives them power, attention, and a sense of security, all of which so many kids lack!

This tool is best used EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. But, it doesn’t have to be a huge time suck. Even 10-15 minutes once or twice each day, one-on-one between each parent and each child will work wonders. It just has to include bonding over something the child chooses to do.

It also opens doorways towards increased communication. You may find out your daughter is acting aggressively because she’s being bullied by someone else. Or, maybe your son is having social difficulties and doesn’t feel like he fits in.

In a safe space, kids can open up about anything. Contrarily, when we don’t focus on our time and relationships with our children, we have less insight into their lives.

3. Create a Decision-Rich Environment

Another way to give kids a sense of power is to create a Decision-Rich Environment in your home.

Kids that feel powerless typically receive a lot of ordering, correcting and directing from their parents. They may not be allowed a voice or as much input as they’d like.

You may be saying, “Wait a minute…aren’t I the boss?”

Of course you are! But, all human beings, big or small, need to have some power over their lives. That’s why we can create situations where our kids make age-appropriate decisions and know their opinions matter.

Maybe, after the implementation of a new after-school routine, you’ve noticed your 10-year-old being mean to her younger sister. Take a look at the new schedule–is there room there for your older daughter to make some more decisions? She could be feeling constrained and powerless.

You can allow her to choose between outfits for school, decide what she’d like to do in her free time, and/or allow her to choose which homework subject she completes first.

For younger kids, even as young as two or three, you may begin noticing playground aggression. Kids may feel powerless when they’re forced to share toys, told they can’t go up the slide, or asked repeatedly to wait their turn. Among a million other things.

While kids still need to learn appropriate playground behavior, we can give them other playground choices to make them feel less “bossed around.” They can decide which snacks to bring for the playground picnic, or tell you which friend they’d like to invite for a play date. They can choose the toys they’d like to play with, and whether they’d like you to push them on the swing now, or later.

The bottom line is…the more opportunities we give kids to make age-appropriate choices and to have some dominion over their own lives, the less likely they are to seek power over others.

4. Withhold Judgment and Stay Curious

Kids are more likely to open up about misbehavior–or avoid it altogether–when we eliminate judgment.

Responding calmly, listening well, and not rushing to conclusions makes kids less afraid to come to us when they’re in trouble. Withholding judgment also makes them less likely to lie.

Kids like to avoid our disappointment and potential punishment, so in their minds, lying can be as good a tool as any to sidestep negative reactions and situations.

But, when we listen and react well, there’s less concern over making things worse. Instead, kids can focus on making things right.

5. Be the Example: Model Kindness and Empathy

Parents set the standards for their kids. We’re the role models, always modeling the correct way to treat people. Kids learn the most when they’re at home observing us.

Teaching an appropriate attitude towards others means following the golden rule and treating others the way you want to be treated. It’s exhibiting inclusivity and empathy with friends, family, even strangers.

It’s true that many quarrelsome kids come from families struggling with hardship, emotional issues, power imbalances, and trauma. So, making sure each child’s home environment is safe, loving, and supportive is equally crucial.

6. Nurture Gratitude and Empathy Daily

If your child has become combative at least partially because of a lack of empathy for others, it’s time to give a good dose of perspective.

Volunteering for those less fortunate is always a way to expand a child’s awareness. It turns apathy and “what’s in it for me” into helping others because it’s the right thing to do–and it makes them feel good.

It’s seeing the world from someone else’s perspective.

We can also train kids to regularly consider what they’re grateful for. Daily gratitude journals are a great start.

Grateful kids are more likely to appreciate and understand why things are good in their lives. They’re less likely to take things for granted and more likely to understand the impact of negativity.

What About Tough Love and Adversity?

There can be benefits to hardship. Growing stronger, learning to manage pain, and problem-solving are all powerful examples.

The trick is knowing where to draw the line between helpful and harmful adversity.

As we’ve learned, we don’t have to punish kids through tough love to teach important lessons.

And kids don’t have to intimidate others to gain confidence and feel empowered!

Many parents embrace the philosophy that bullying and being bullied are a part of life. It’s unfortunate, but just another aspect of those everyday growing pains.

Sure, life won’t treat everyone fairly, and working through conflict does make kids tougher.

But turning a blind eye when a child harms others only decreases their capacity for empathy. And bullied kids don’t have to run the gauntlet to learn to stand up for themselves!

Final Thoughts: Compassion Is the First Step Toward Change

The quest to end bullying starts at the source. When we raise our kids with love, intention, and positive techniques, the impetus to antagonize others quickly deteriorates.

Don’t forget to involve teachers, counselors, family, and friends in your plans to stop bullying. If you’re concerned about your child’s mental health, or you aren’t seeing improvement with aggressive behavior, please consult a professional, too.

Parenting has never been harder–but there’s no reason to be disheartened.