Step 2: Explore the Underlying Reasons Why You Disagree on Discipline
The greatest influence on our discipline methods is undoubtedly our own parents. Whether you agree with your parents’ discipline style or not, the choices you make today as a parent are due, in part, to how you were raised.
Without new knowledge and outside influences, parents are often predisposed to repeat the same patterns of behavior as their parents. This is why you’ll hear moms all over the world catch themselves in a moment of shock and mutter, “Oh no! I sound just like my mom!”
For those with negative childhood discipline experiences, these parents often vow to not repeat the same discouraging behaviors with their own children.
Or conversely, (and more frequently) those who agree with the discipline techniques used by their own parents will repeat the same strategies and use the same language they internalized as a child.
This scenario plays out when you hear a parent say, “My parents did _____ and I turned out ok!”
This justification for parenting choices is a slippery slope, because you are taking your experience as a single person and applying it to an entire group of people.
For example, you might hear someone say, “I never wore a seatbelt growing up, and I turned out fine.” Chances are, if this were the case, the same person probably wasn’t in a messy car accident, either.
This person’s one experience can’t be used to justify banning seatbelts because, inevitably, someone is going to get into a car accident and need a seatbelt to save their life.
In parenting circles, you’ll often hear someone say, “I was spanked all the time, but I turned out ok.” But the truth is, we can’t let a single person’s experience justify spanking ALL children who come from a plethora of different backgrounds and who have different predispositions. Or, when multiple scientific studies tell us spanking has a negative effect on children.
And sure, this negative effect might be something as simple as a quick-temper or mild anxiety, but it could also create emotional trauma that is much deeper than you ever intended.
If you find yourself using the “I turned out fine” argument to justify your position, I’d encourage you to really dig deep and evaluate where these feelings are coming from.
To find common ground with your parenting partner, it’s critical you each do a little soul-searching and discover WHY you disagree.
What parts of your childhood influence your perception of appropriate parenting techniques?
Additionally, what parts of your childhood influence how you feel about your partner’s parenting techniques?
With a little self-reflection from you and your partner, you’ll be well on your way to uncovering the roots of your deeply held parenting beliefs.
Step 3: Start Small
Begin with the non-negotiables for your family.
The non-negotiables are typically the health and safety rules (wearing bike helmets, driving before dark, etc.) and other areas your family values like education (homework before playtime) and respect (name calling will not be tolerated).
Agree on the limits and expectations for the non-negotiables and clearly communicate those to everyone. If the rule is “no cellphones in a bedroom,” be sure you both follow through each and every time on that non-negotiable. Your kids will immediately observe you are a unified front.
Step 4: Think Long-Term
Remember that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint – and that requires us to think long-term.
Visualize your kids when they show up for their first day of work. Imagine who they’ll be when they have children of their own.
What attributes do you hope your children will possess when they become adults?
Compassion? Work ethic? Thoughtfulness? Respect? Motivation? Resilience?
If you and your partner can agree on 3-4 words you hope will describe your children as adults, you’ll be able to view parenting with a far-sighted lens.
Then, when tackling the day-to-day discipline dilemmas, ask yourselves the question:
“What do we want our child to LEARN from this experience or discipline opportunity?”
It’s not about winning. It’s not about proving “you’re the boss and they WILL OBEY!”
It’s about teaching your child to make the best possible choices in the future–and learning from mistakes along the way–so they can grow into well-adjusted adults.
When you and your partner have a long-term goal of raising responsible, compassionate, respectful children, you have a framework to make short-term decisions.
For example:
If you and your partner can agree on some long-term parenting goals for your family, the short-term decisions will be easier to make.
