Three strategies for sibling peace.
Whether your kids are battling it out over whose turn it is to open the mailbox or who gets Dad’s car on Friday night, one things for certain: kids fighting will drive you crazy and it needs to stop!
In my last post called: Sibling Fighting, we discussed a few things parents do that actually contribute to kids fighting. Now, let’s talk about three tried-and-true strategies to bring about a welcome change in how your kids relate to each other.
How To Prevent Kids Fighting
1. Stay out of their fights.
That’s right: in most cases, there’s no need for you to get involved, and doing so robs your kids of the opportunity to learn important lessons about how to resolve conflict on their own. In addition, when you jump in to the middle of your kids fighting, you’re likely to label your kids, whether you know it or not, which can fuel more conflicts in the future. Another thing that fuels kids fighting is the attention you give them—so by ignoring squabbles, you’ll actually see their numbers decrease.
It may be tricky at first to stay out of your kids’ fights, but over time, you’ll love the freedom you get when you take a backseat. Make sure you let your kids know in advance that you’ll be staying out of their fights. Tell them, “You guys are old enough now to work out your own disagreements. From now on, I won’t be getting involved. I know you’ll be able to figure out solutions together.”
Of course, you should still plan to get involved if the fight escalates out of control, or if your kids clearly can’t reach an agreement even after you’ve given them a good chance. In that case, you need to “sportscast” a solution.
2. Sportscast a solution.
Your kids should learn to resolve most fights on their own once you start staying out of them, but for those times when you need to step in, there’s a way to do it that will still provide a great learning opportunity. I call it sportscasting. With this technique, you’re not interested in figuring out who “wins” or “loses.” Instead, you give each side a chance to talk about the argument from their point of view, and then encourage them to come up with some solutions together.
Start by asking each child to use “I feel” statements to talk about the problem—for instance, “I feel sad because…” or “I feel angry because…” Then, like a sportscaster, comment objectively and end with an expectation that your kids will work it out together. You could say, “Carson, I see you’re angry at Amelia for squirting mustard all over your peanut-butter sandwich. Amelia, it sounds like you’re frustrated that Carson wouldn’t share the jelly. Now, what do you guys think you could do to solve the problem?”
Then, sit back and see what your kids come up with. If they continue to argue or start a “he said-she said” battle, let them know that, “I’m not interested in who did what to whom—I’m only interested in working this out.”
If your kids can’t come up with any ideas for resolving the issue, go ahead and offer a few: “How about one of you does peanut butter and the other does jelly, or maybe one of you can make sandwiches while the other washes fruit to share?” And if you’re still getting arguments or blank stares at this point, it’s time to move on to the next strategy, “All in the same boat.”
3. Put your kids “All in the same boat.”
When it’s clear that conflict resolution is going nowhere, there’s one way to bring a quick end to your kids fighting: make all participants face the same consequence, since everyone played a role in it.
For instance, continuing the previous example, you could say, “Either you two can reach an agreement, or I’m putting the food away and we’ll be done with lunch.”
By using “All in the same boat,” you’ll bring about a quick resolution without labeling or rewarding either participant with extra attention. With this strategy, everyone “wins” by reaching a solution, or everyone “loses” if they can’t.
While “All in the same boat” works efficiently to stop kids fighting, it’s important to use the previous two strategies first, so your kids get the opportunity to learn how to effectively solve their own conflicts.
If fighting kids are plaguing your home, don’t worry: with these strategies, you’ll soon find a little more peace—and so will your kids.
