If you’re searching for answers on how to stop aggressive behavior in kids, you’re not alone—and you’re not a bad parent. Many well-meaning moms and dads struggle to manage hitting, kicking, or yelling outbursts, and wonder if there’s a better way.
The good news? You don’t have to rely on yelling, time-outs, or punishments. With the right tools and strategies, you can address aggression at the root, teach your child emotional control, and restore peace at home.
And you just don’t know what to do about it.
If you read The Do’s and Don’ts to End Toddler Hitting and Biting for Good, you will know that we addressed the best ways to confront these behaviors with children ages three and under.
But what about older kids who still act impulsively and aggressively? Are they doomed to become lifelong bullies? Are they ever going to get a handle on their impulse control? Will they be permanently labeled as the “bad kid”?
Not at all!
Dealing with a toddler’s hitting and biting can be frustrating, but seeing your older child—who should already “know” better—can be infuriating. I completely understand this feeling, yet I urge you to take a moment to pause when you see your child behave aggressively.
Rather than losing your temper right away, consider these more constructive techniques instead. These proven methods will help you learn how to stop aggressive behavior in kids and replace it with calm, confident communication.
Proven Ways to Prevent Aggressive Behavior in Kids Before It Starts
The most effective strategies for preventing aggressive behavior should be implemented before it begins.
As a parent, one of the key actions you can take to prevent your child from becoming aggressive is to proactively prepare them to sidestep situations that may trigger their negative behavior. These preventive measures are critical if you want to understand how to stop aggressive behavior in kids long-term.
You have the most insight into your child’s strengths and weaknesses. Keeping that in mind, consider the situations you encounter and how you can steer them positively.
Watch for Triggers That Lead to Aggression
When kids reach their emotional or social limits during a visit that exceeds their capacity, they’re more likely to act out, sometimes aggressively. It’s often a sign they’re overstimulated, overtired, or overwhelmed. Thus, staying attuned to your child’s social cues is essential.
If you notice early signs—whining, complaining, clinginess, or restlessness—it may be time to leave. Taking the initiative to exit before a meltdown can help preserve your child’s dignity and prevent uncomfortable situations for everyone involved.
Why Rest Is Critical for Your Child’s Impulse Control
Ensuring your child gets enough rest should remain a top priority regardless of age. That’s because impulse control—essential for handling social situations—is closely tied to healthy sleep habits.
Whether you’re at a family get-together, a playdate, or simply out in public, things are far more likely to go smoothly when your child has had a chance to rest beforehand.
But Amy, my child stopped taking naps ages ago!
Not to worry, because rest doesn’t always mean sleep! Sometimes, just a few peaceful moments of quiet are enough to help a child decompress and reset. This can make all the difference in assisting them to stay calm and well-regulated later on.
Use Daily Parent-Child Connection to Reduce Aggression
One of the most powerful tools for preventing misbehavior is giving your child consistent, positive attention each day. We call this Mind, Body and Soul Time Connection®, and it is a game changer in the parenting world. That’s because when kids feel seen, valued, and emotionally connected with you, they’re far less likely to act out.
You can utilize Mind, Body and Soul Time Connection® by intentionally stepping into your child’s world—on their terms—for at least ten minutes daily. Allow them to choose the activity you do together, and then fully engage (no distractions!).
You’ll be amazed at the difference a few focused minutes a day can make in your child’s attitude.
Teach Conflict Resolution Skills Without Violence
Taking the time to train your child on positive, respectful ways to resolve conflict is a must. Children who are taught what to do instead of hitting, biting, or lashing out are more likely to respond with self-control in challenging moments.
You can equip them with simple strategies like using “I feel” statements, walking away, ignoring, or finding a compromise. Have them practice these skills regularly, reminding them that each one is a valuable tool they now have access to whenever they feel the need to react with aggression.
Know When to Step In During Sibling or Peer Conflicts
As hard as it may be, holding back and only stepping in when necessary is essential. If your child is managing conflict using their words, let them work through it independently. These moments are valuable learning opportunities for building communication and problem-solving skills.
However, once things turn physical, it’s time to intervene. If fists get raised or aggression surfaces, step in right away to help your child calm down and guide them toward a more peaceful resolution. Depending on your child’s history with conflict, this might mean keeping a closer eye on their interactions for a while.
Model and Encourage Peaceful Reactions at Home
At Positive Parenting Solutions, we focus on encouragement and recognizing progress. When your child manages a challenging situation without resorting to violence, be sure to acknowledge it. A simple comment like, “You really controlled yourself when you were frustrated with your friend. I know that was hard. You’re really growing up!” can go a long way.
Offering this kind of positive reinforcement promotes peaceful behavior and boosts their confidence in handling emotions. It’s a powerful—and proactive—approach to reducing the likelihood of future aggression.
Redirect Aggressive Energy Through Healthy Physical Activity
Physical activity is essential for all kids, but some seem particularly wired to move nonstop. Encouraging healthy outlets for that energy—like kicking a soccer ball, hitting a punching bag, or participating in structured sports that promote self-discipline—can make a significant difference.
When kids have regular opportunities to be active, they’re less likely to express their extra energy towards playmates in aggressive ways.
What to Do When Your Child Acts Aggressively
Avoid Using Aggression to Stop Aggression
A major debate in parenting revolves around whether spanking is an effective form of discipline. However, when the aim is to curb aggressive behavior, reacting with further aggression—such as spanking or slapping—does not prove beneficial.
In fact, it frequently reinforces the very behaviors you aim to stop.
Instead, follow the steps outlined below for how to stop aggressive behavior in kids without resorting to physical punishment.
Punishment Doesn’t Stop Aggression—But Discipline Does
Though the two are often used interchangeably, a significant difference exists between punishment and discipline. Understanding this difference is essential for parents managing their child’s aggressive behavior.
Dr. Jane Nelsen, the mother of Positive Discipline, defined punishment as anything that causes a child to feel blame, shame, or pain. Public punishment particularly leads to these negative feelings, discouraging children and potentially increasing aggression. It often reacts to behavior, emphasizing short-term control over long-term growth.
Discipline, on the other hand, involves training and guidance. This proactive approach helps children develop the skills to manage intense emotions healthily. Instead of punishing your child for hitting another, you can shift your focus to teaching them appropriate coping methods—such as using words to express feelings or walking away from frustrating situations.
Discipline prepares kids for long-term emotional success.
Focus on Your Child’s Needs—Not the Opinions of Others
No one wants to parent in front of an audience, especially when their child is reacting violently or lashing out. Still, as hard as it can be to tune out the rest of the world while your kid is acting aggressively, worrying about the opinions of others only worsens the matter.
The truth is YOU know your child best. You know their temperament, developmental challenges, learning style, and everything else. You may receive a few nasty side-eyes or the occasional rude comment, but those don’t need to hold any weight over how you handle your child in the moment.
Staying Calm Helps Your Child Regulate Their Emotions
When your child is stuck in the midst of their own torrential emotional storm, the last thing you want to do is add your own explosive reaction (even if it feels like the only thing you can do). Not only does blowing up at them give them a hit of negative attention and power, reinforcing the behavior, but it does nothing to help bring them back to a stable emotional state.
Staying calm is your superpower as a parent! When you maintain your composure, you’ll prevent any negative power payouts and serve as a fabulous example to your kids on how to properly control their emotions.
Teach Empathy by Addressing the Needs of the Hurt Person
If your child is violent with another person, it’s essential to check on the other party to address the situation. If your child has calmed down sufficiently, encourage their involvement! This serves as a valuable opportunity for them to learn about empathy and how they can help the other person feel better.
On the other hand, if your child is still feeling emotionally unstable, you can demonstrate empathy yourself and ensure that the other child or adult is alright.
Balance Empathy With Clear, Respectful Boundaries
As an adult, you know how easily strong emotions can take over. Now, consider what your child is experiencing. Although they’ve moved beyond toddlerhood, the area of the brain responsible for emotional regulation won’t fully develop until they reach 25!
Start by empathizing with your child, showing them you recognize their feelings. “Wow, you seem angry/frustrated/mad/upset.”
Next, distinguish feelings from actions…
“But it’s never okay to hurt others when you feel that way.”
Offering empathy along with healthy boundaries is a beautiful way to teach them a valuable lesson without resorting to blame or punishment.
Practice Conflict Management Skills During Calm Moments
Addressing your child’s aggression shouldn’t be limited to moments when tempers flare. There is so much learning to be done during calm moments as well!
Use Role Play to Prepare for Triggering Scenarios
One way to put your lessons into action is by role-playing typical scenarios that might trigger an angry interaction with your child. Perhaps it’s a classmate stealing their basketball on the playground or a sibling entering their room without permission.
Whatever the case, guide your child through role-playing their most triggering scenarios. What alternatives might they consider instead of hitting over a stolen basketball? How can they express their need for privacy to their sibling without shoving them out the door?
With time and practice, you’ll see tremendous improvements in how they handle heated moments when they’ve prepared for them in advance.
Daily Calming Strategies That Help Kids Stay in Control
To help your child calm down, brainstorm effective strategies and incorporate them into daily practice. Breathing exercises can be beneficial; if they work well, consider techniques like belly breathing or breathwork in your morning and evening routines.
Reflect on past successful methods. If counting to ten helped when your child was younger, explore whether mindful meditation is a better alternative now that they’re older.
Create Secret Signals to Help Kids Self-Regulate in Public
This is a fun activity for both you and your child! Together, you can create a super-secret signal that only the two of you know. (Try coming up with one during a playful moment like Mind, Body, and Soul Time Connection®.)
Rehearse this signal and let them know they can use it to show you when things get tense or that it’s your cue to remind them to calm down.
You can say, “If you feel your anger rising and are tempted to lash out, just flash me our secret signal, and I’ll be there to help!” Or, “If I notice you struggling with your emotions, I’ll use our secret signal to prompt you to focus on your calming strategies.”
Not only does this last tip provide a fun way to bond with your child, but it also allows you both to communicate a specific message when tensions are high while enabling them to save face in front of others.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Failing—You’re Learning
Few experiences make parents feel more like failures than seeing their child behave violently toward others. But I assure you, feeling like a failure is the last thing you should be experiencing!
Parenting is challenging in nearly every way. By researching and reaching out to those who’ve learned a thing or two about handling aggression in older kids, you can be confident you’re taking the proper steps forward.
With the All-In-One Parenting Success System® course and my FREE WEBINAR, I have assisted thousands of families in learning how to stop aggressive behavior in kids effectively and compassionately. I’d love to help you, too!
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: Is aggression normal in older kids?
Yes. While it’s more expected in toddlers, older kids can also struggle with emotional regulation. The key is teaching them healthier tools to handle big feelings.
Q: What are the best strategies to stop aggressive behavior in kids at school?
Start by identifying potential triggers, reinforcing calm-down strategies at home, and staying in regular communication with your child’s teacher. Consistency across environments is crucial.
Q: Should I punish my child for aggressive behavior?
No. Research shows that punishment, especially physical punishment, often increases aggression. Instead, focus on respectful discipline that teaches emotional control and empathy.
Q: What if my child keeps acting aggressively even after trying these techniques?
Some children need more time or additional support. If aggression persists, consider seeking help from a pediatrician, counselor, or parenting coach to dig deeper into underlying causes.
Q: How do I stay calm when my child is acting out?
Take deep breaths, step away briefly if needed, and remind yourself that your calm response models emotional regulation for your child. You’re the thermostat—not the thermometer.
