“I don’t want to!”
“You can’t make me!”
“You’re the meanest mommy!”
“I’m not doing that!”
Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Backtalk is the number one parenting complaint I hear from the thousands of parents I’ve worked with. But does knowing how common backtalk is make it any less frustrating? Of course not!
Backtalk might be annoying and, at times, infuriating, but it’s a common side effect of growing up and gaining independence.
At all ages, kids need a strong sense of personal power on an emotional level. When they can’t get it because we’re ordering them around or doing everything for them, they lash out with words.
It’s a typical “fight or flight” response–since they can’t exactly move into their own apartment (flight), they’ll fight back by testing limits and trying to get a reaction.
There are many reasons WHY kids talk back, so it’s important to get to the root of the issue to determine which strategy will work best.
The best way to stop backtalk in its tracks is to give our kids the positive personal power they need. By fostering independence within our limits, we can help them grow up, as well as limit the backtalk, arguing, and whining that no one enjoys.
Here are 5 steps to put the brakes on backtalk:
1. Give Kids Power
Find opportunities for your kids to assume some control over their own world–picking their own outfit (for a toddler) or planning an activity for a family vacation (for a teenager).
The truth is, when kids’ need for power isn’t met, they will exert their power in all sorts of ways–waging war at the dinner table, prolonging bedtime, refusing to cooperate during the morning routine, or talking back.
In each of these situations, kids have legitimate power–we can’t FORCE them to eat their broccoli. We can’t FORCE them to lie in their bed. We can’t FORCE them to pick up the pace in the morning. And, as much as we wish otherwise, we have no control over what comes out of their mouths.
As a Positive Parenting educator, I teach parents that proactive parenting is the most effective way to see behavior changes in kids. In this case, the more positive power you give them PROACTIVELY, the less you’ll have to REACT when they exert their power in negative ways.
2. Don’t Play a Role
Communication is a two-way street, and parents have to “own” the role they play in the power struggle.
Be aware of your communication style and minimize the amount of ordering, correcting, and directing you do with your kids (and spouse)!
The truth is, parents unknowingly contribute to the power struggles that produce backtalk by bossing kids around too frequently.
Take a moment and switch places with your kids–would you be able to hold your tongue if you were told what to do all day? In the working world, it’s equivalent to working for a bossy micro-manager–it’s exhausting, frustrating, and most of all DISCOURAGING.
If you spend the majority of your time ordering, correcting, and directing your children, they are sure to be discouraged too. Instead, spend intentional time playing, listening, and engaging with them to proactively ward off the backtalk.
By engaging more and ordering less, you’ll be amazed at how much more cooperative your children will be and how the backtalk will slowly diminish.
Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions members, take the Parent Personality Assessment in Step 1 to discover how your personality priority affects your parenting style.
3. Pay Attention
Just like the need for power mentioned above, your kids have an attention basket that needs to get filled every day.
All humans have a basic need for belonging and significance, and for children, these needs are most effectively met when you give your child undivided attention. Before you say, “But wait! I give them PLENTY of attention!” let’s break this down a little further.
As a starting point, I teach parents to spend 10 minutes every day with each child. Here at Positive Parenting Solutions, we call this a MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® routine because it has incredible effects on the mind, body, and soul of your children.
In order for the 10 minutes to satisfy the child’s basic need for attention and meet the criteria for a MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® routine, it needs to fit the following 3 categories:
1. It’s Child-centric: This means the child calls the shots. By giving your child full reign over how you’ll spend this time, you’re filling both the power AND attention buckets–sounds like a win-win, huh?
Be prepared to play dress-up, re-enact a favorite movie, kick a soccer ball around, have a dance party to their favorite tunes, read a treasured book, build a LEGO castle–whatever your child suggests for 10 minutes, you enthusiastically oblige.
2. It’s Uninterrupted: Put away the phone, the remote, the calendar, the book–all of those things can wait. It’s vitally important your children have our undivided attention during this time.
If you have more than one child, find something the other kiddos can be doing during this time, so you can engage with each child separately.
3. It’s Identified and Claimed: Give your 10 minutes together a name: “Mommy and Daniel’s Special Time” or “Our Togetherness Time” or any name you two come up with. By naming this time together, your child is able to categorize this time together as meaningful and significant.
Naming this time also gives YOU credit in your child’s emotional bank. While it may seem silly to “take credit” for spending time with your child, it is a gentle reminder to your child that you’re consistently investing in their life. When you are finished, simply say, “Wow, I really enjoyed our time together. I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow!”
By investing the time up front, you’ll see a decrease in the backtalk you’re experiencing.
Spending this quality time with each of your children will greatly reduce the power struggles you’re facing, and your children will begin to realize everyone is on the same team!
Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions members, refer to Step 1 in the online course and the Ultimate Survival Guide–“MBST: Your Secret Weapon for Better Behavior”–to learn everything there is to know about this life-changing tool.
