A Guest Post from Dr. Kevin L. Gyoerkoe — a licensed psychologist specializing in anxiety and OCD-related disorders at The Anxiety and OCD Treatment Center in Charlotte, NC.
When I first started working with 12-year-old Sarah*, she was the picture of school anxiety in children. Clinging to her mom, her hair covering her face, she muttered a quiet “hi” as we walked back to my office.
After a few minutes of small talk, I asked about school. Sarah immediately burst into tears.
“I feel like I have to be perfect—I need straight A’s,” she explained. “I study all the time, it takes me so much longer than my friends, and if I get a B, I freak out.” It was clear she was struggling with anxiety about school performance and the constant pressure to measure up.
Later, when her mom joined us, she seemed calm and easygoing—puzzled by Sarah’s worries. “We never put pressure on her,” she said. “All we ask is that she do her best.”
As a psychologist specializing in child academic stress, I’ve seen this scene play out countless times. Parents are often more relaxed than their anxious children, yet many share the same approach: just do your best.
But over time I began to wonder—could this well-intentioned phrase actually fuel school worries in kids? Here are three reasons why it might.
3 Reasons Why “Do Your Best” Fuels Child School Anxiety
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It Creates Uncertainty
One problem with the well-intentioned “do your best” is that it’s simply too vague. How do we know when we’ve done our best? There’s no way to measure that goal or track our progress, so we are left in a state of uncertainty.
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Uncertainty Creates Anxiety
Uncertainty is a common cause of anxiety. Often, the more unsure we are about something, the more anxious we feel about it.
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Negative Events Can Intensify Anxiety in Students
When negative events occur, it’s natural to try to explain why. If we’re instructed to just do our best on a task, and we don’t do well, we are likely to blame ourselves and conclude that we are inadequate or incompetent in some way. This creates a sense of defeat and hopelessness, which could lead to less effort and resilience in the future.
So if “do your best” might not actually help our children do their best, what can we do instead? The next time your child feels anxious about school, try these three alternatives to “Do Your Best.”
3 Ways to Help Reduce Your Child’s Anxiety about School
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Be Specific to Ease Anxiety About School Performance
Instead of the vague “do your best,” help your child set clear, concrete goals to lessen anxiety and develop good work habits.
For example, you might suggest that your child take three mock spelling tests before her weekly spelling quiz. Or you could encourage her to practice multiplication flash cards until she can do them with 100% accuracy.
Being specific on the steps required to do well allows our children to shift their focus away from the outcome and focus on the process instead.
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Focus on Mastery to Reduce Child School Anxiety
Paradoxically, you can lessen your child’s anxiety and improve school performance by encouraging focus on mastery of specific aspects of the material.
For example, if your child struggles in math, it may take a few minutes of practice to master the multiplication tables for the week. If he needs additional support, break it down into even smaller chunks so “mastery” comes with even less effort and pressure.
Once he’s achieved this goal–or at least made progress toward the goal–consider it mission accomplished and provide lots of encouragement on the effort he put forth to accomplish that goal.
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Problem-Solving Strategies for Kids with School Anxiety
If your child receives a low grade, instead of asking “Did you do your best?” ask “What do you need to do better next time?”
Consider it a learning experience and review the material with your child.
What does your child need to brush up on? Evaluate study habits as well. Did she practice regularly? Was all the homework complete? Look beyond just the grades themselves and evaluate your child’s work habits. Do they need to improve?
Remember, all the effort in the world won’t overcome bad habits. By the same token, a few small shifts in work habits can make effort much more efficient.
The next time your child is struggling with anxiety about school, instead of offering a “just do your best” consider using the steps above to reduce anxiety, build self-confidence, and develop invaluable skills for the future. Your child will build concrete tools to ensure life-long success and feel less anxious in the process.
Final Thoughts from Amy
We are so grateful to learn from Dr. Gyoerkoe and recognize that school anxiety in children can affect even the most devoted Positive Parenting Solutions homes. Whether it’s anxiety about school performance, child academic stress, or school worries in kids, these challenges are more common than most parents realize.
One of the most important things families can do to reduce anxiety in students is to maintain a calm, consistent, and compassionate home. But trust me—if you’re like the thousands of parents I’ve worked with—it’s incredibly difficult to create this kind of environment when you’re battling sibling rivalry, power struggles, and other daily frustrations.
If you feel like you’ve exhausted all discipline options without much success, I’d love for you to JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS.
In just one hour, I’ll show you proven strategies to get your kids to listen without nagging, yelling, or losing control—while also helping children cope with school stress in healthier ways.
Will you join me?!
Sarah is a fictional patient created to represent a composite of many children with similar struggles.
About the Author
Dr. Kevin L. Gyoerkoe is a licensed psychologist specializing in anxiety and OCD-related disorders at the The Anxiety and OCD Treatment Center in Charlotte, NC. To learn more about helping your child overcome anxiety, visit www.anxietyandocdtreatmentcenter.com.
