Quality-time tips for toddlers to teens
It’s not the next fad diet. It’s not a promise to yourself to stop running to Starbucks twice a day. It’s Mind, Body, & Soul Time, and it’s a New Year’s resolution for your whole family.
Mind, Body, & Soul Time is time spent one-on-one with each of your children, consistently and individually with each parent, on an activity they choose. Not only will it give you a better bond with your kids, but the attention and power boosts will fuel better behavior.
Whether Mind, Body, & Soul Time is new to your family, or you’ve tried it before and let it slide after work and school got hectic, start fresh and make it a simple part of your routine. Aim for ten minutes, twice a day with each child to keep their attention baskets filled regularly—but any amount will help. Turn off the technology, and let your child call the shots:
- Grow with your toddlers by letting them choose the activities they like best, whether it be make “dinner” out of Play-Doh or dressing Dad up like a princess. Remember that younger children’s attention baskets may need refilled more often, so do your best to make Mind, Body, & Soul Time happen twice daily instead of all at once.
- While taking time to help our kids with their math homework has its many benefits, try to include something more fun than fractions for your elementary-aged child. You child may enjoy reading a favorite story—complete with voices—or to let you help create a Lego masterpiece. From baking cookies to playing catch, this is a perfect time to start learning about each other, so be sure to share your own thoughts and feelings during your conversations.
- Tweens and teens are biologically inclined to pursue independence from their parents, so this is a great opportunity to stay in touch as you help them navigate their adolescence. They might enjoy creating new playlists on iTunes, playing cards or even taking a trip to the mall together. Even finding a quiet place for an informal chat can go a long way towards strengthening the mind, body, and soul of your teen.
Wrap up your Mind, Body, & Soul Time—and “get credit”—by letting your child know you enjoyed spending time with them.
By following these tips to make Mind, Body, & Soul Time your family’s New Year’s resolution, you’re sure to build strong relationships that are guaranteed to take you well through 2013 and beyond. Even if your family is slow to start, hang in there. It won’t be long and you’ll be wondering how you ever lived without this time together!
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Would once a week with each parent be enough Mind Body time with a child? Or is this something that should be done daily?
Thanks and I am definitely going to have both of us work this in.
Ideally each day is where you’ll see the most benefit. Maybe you can rearrange the daily schedule to let go of other things you do during the day and replace them with MB&S time?
Is 20 minutes once per day okay…esp on school and work days
You bet! What I recommend is a great guideline. Consider it to be like emotional nutrition. If you only ate breakfast, you would be starving by the end of the day, right? Twice a day gives your child two doses of what they need most from you. That being said, any way you can find that works with your family schedule so that you are able to do it each day is great. Thanks Kim!
To build the relationship it really does need to be daily. Five minutes a day is better than no minutes if you truly can’t do 20 minutes a day. However, if you have time to read your favorite websites, play a game on your phone, or watch a show on tv, you’ve got enough time to do 20 minutes with your child.
And yes, if you can’t do two 10 minutes sessions, do one 20 minute session. We’re all busy so even doing something like folding clothes or cooking dinner, but doing it WITH your child, focusing ON your child and visiting while you get the task done will help tons in your relationship with them. This really pays off!!!! Trust me.
I’ve got 5 children (ages 7-18), but I still make sure they each get an individual session with me each day, even tho the time varies because I have a bigger family. : )
That’s fabulous CJ! And also a great reminder, the bottom line is making that effort to set aside that time each day, no matter how long it is, as long as your doing it. The benefits are immeasurable. Thanks for posting, and good for you and setting that time aside for five kids! If you can find the time, any of us can!
Any suggestions on how to accomplish this as a single parent of twin 2 year olds?
This almost seems like just common sense, and who wouldn’t want to spend as much with your kids as possible anyway?
It can seem like common sense to some, yes. But for some parents they can caught up in the daily routine of parenting and even being with their kids (spending all day running errands with the kids, doing chores with the kids volunteering in the classroom with the kids) that sometimes it’s easy to let that special one on one time slip by. Which is why, though for some it seems easy to remember, it’s nice for others to have reminders to slow down, stop and take that time each day.
Thanks for your comment Ed!
I truly believe this works. I have a daughter who will be 3 next week and have made an effort to give her 1-1 focused time for at least 30 minutes a day- when she was younger it was obviously more but over the past year I’ve concentrated on at least 30 minutes. As she gets older we’ve been able to do the 30 minutes all at once but other times it was 3 ten minute segments. The result is that she is polite, always excited to talk, knows that she is valued, and is ahead of the game in many areas – she can assemble lego sets designed for 6 year olds. Why? Because we’ve been sitting with her and helping her learn to do so since she was two. She’s reading words. Why? Because when we sit down 1-1 with her and she talks about her books, we point out words and explain letters. She chose the activities and the skill sets came naturally over time. These small motor and literacy skills didn’t require a program, an expensive school, or lots of time. It required us to spend 1-1 time with our daughter doing something she enjoyed and she excelled at under our guidance. I believe this can be true with ANY child. Parents just have to put their phones down (We’ve had MANY MANY discussions about our phones in this house since we both work from home with strange hours) and ignore other responsibilities – dishes, laundry, etc – for a few short segments a day. It adds up to countless memories where you really really get to know your child! We get compliments from others about how mature, fun, and friendly our daughter is all the time. I attribute it to spending this 1-1 time with her. So many friends lament that their kids have poor behavior or don’t know how to do something or want too much of their attention. When I suggest that they fill the “attention bank” several times a day with their kids, they usually report improvements. It doesn’t take much but the rewards are huge! My last comment is: It doesn’t take more than 30 seconds to compliment or praise your child. What little things are they doing well? Using a napkin – compliment it. Drawing you a picture? compliment them. Thank them for listening the first time even if it was for something as small as helping them put their coats on. All the little praises add up and will make you enjoy the time with your kids more. You won’t look back on your day and wonder if all you did was yell!
Amy, you and your daughter are a PERFECT example of how and why this works. Thanks for sharing your story!
Amen!! The greatest gift we can give our children is our time. I go to bed late at night, so I can spend time with my children…. There will always be laundry and dishes to do, but our kids will be out of the house before we know it.
Amy,
I agree with much of your post, but you have to keep in mind that not every child (or adult for that matter) is the same. I’m sure your daughter has benefited significantly due to your time together, and I agree that it’s extremely important and beneficial to the whole family to have that time. However, you come off a little judgmental and preachy to other parents and families who have kids with behavior problems. In reality, you have no idea what they have going on in their life and it is likely very different than yours. So while your wisdom in parenting is great, please don’t assume you have all the answers for everyone.
I have tried this before and I seem to run into the same problems. How do you ensure the child picks an activity that is appropriate to the time and circumstances available? I felt like I was always telling them no we can’t do that now and spending more time choosing an activity and starting our time with frustration than having quality time. Do you have suggestions to make that process easier or would it be better for me to just pick an activity? Also, what do you do when the sibling wants to join? I have 3 children ages 6-12 and with busy schedules I feel that it is necessary to make a conscious effort toward consistent one on one time. Thank you.
Margaret – My 4 kids can totally be like that too! It certainly is counterproductive and can put the focus more on the activity than the relationship. Perhaps, for a time at least, you do need to be the one to pick what you do. During the non-1-on-1 time, look for clues to what they would want to do so you are still doing something that is very “them” – it also lets them know that you are paying attention all those times when they think you aren’t. Now our daughter is one of those who, no matter how much of us we give her it is never ever enough – especially if it doing something she wanted to do. It’s almost like she gets so caught up in the activity or place she forgets to soak in that she’s with us – even if we’re chatting the whole time. So, for her we regularly put the backspin on it and have her do “our stuff” with us. She is learning that she can enjoy anything so long as it is with her loved ones & we don’t get as much of a melt down at the end. We also have the issue with the others wanting to join. So far all we’ve really had to do is remind them that this is their sibling’s time and they will get their own turn. After doing this for awhile they trust us more and will back off. Sometimes we tell them that it is time for them to have sibling time (and give them an activity to do). Sometimes we ask them if they want their sibling joining us during their 1-on-1 time. Most the time they say “no!” and walk away. Every once in a while it backfires though and we do end up with a lot of extra family time instead of the 1-on-1s!
Hope that helps. ~In Grace~
Great question Margaret and good for you for making that effort! A good idea is to sit down with each child and make a list of things to do that fall into that ten minute range of time and keep it somewhere handy (give them a few ideas to start) This way there is always a quick place to go to for ideas that only take a moment. If it still takes a lot of time to choose from the list, put them onto scraps of paper and into a jar and allow the child to pick one each day. If the activities are all things you agreed on together you each know it will be something the child wants to do and something that will fit into the 10-minute frame. Yet all the time spent choosing is eliminated.
Good luck!
It really does seem like common sense, and I guess it’s easier to work this in when you only have 1 child (I can see this being a challenge with 3+ children). I think it works wonders, though, not only for the child(ren), but for the parents as well.
Everyone benefits from it for sure! And yes for some families it can be more challenging than others, but making the effort is well worth it.
This is something that I struggle with at times. My husband and I are getting divorced so it will be my 2 kids (ages 5 and almost 3) and me. My 2 year old gets into things a lot and I feel like it’s tough to spend a lot of undivided time with my 5 year old. I know it’s not fair to her and I feel terrible for constantly putting her on ‘hold’ to get the 2 year old out of trouble. Any suggestions for how to deal with this?
Try and set aside a favorite DVD, coloring book, special snack, or other activity (anything that the two year old can do on his own for ten minutes) just to be used during you and your daughter’s special time. It may take a few tries, but if you can find something that is just reserved for that time it will start work. And though it may seem challenging at first, as it becomes routine your two year will ease into it.
I feel like we give our 3 year old daughter plenty of attention throughout the day, but regardless, when the one on one time is over it usually always ends in a torrential meltdown. I feel like it defeats the whole purpose. Any suggestions?
There are a few things you can do here to try and help. Try using a timer, so that way it’s the timer that signals the end of the time not mom or dad. You can also set aside a puzzle or coloring book (maybe at the table while you make dinner or on the floor of your home office while you go back to work) to maintain some nearness and bridge over from mind body & soul time to the rest of the day… As it becomes routine, the meltdowns will go away.
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful and helpful post Amy. Part of my new year’s resolution to spend more quality time with my children. Being a working mom, I often find myself too busy to enjoy play times and simple moments of bliss with my kids. Hopefully, these tips will help me fulfill my goal of a deeper relationship with family by the end of the year 2013.
I mentioned in a couple posts above that once it becomes routines the challenges get easier, and that certainly goes for the parents as well. Good for you for making that goal for 2013!
Hi Amy!
I’ve taken some time to go through your site today, and I am so impressed with all the great information you have put together. Fantastic work! This particular post is full of beautiful ideas. It makes me want to go play play-doh.
Saren is looking forward to talking with you tomorrow, and I’ll enjoy following up soon!
xo
April
I’m a working Mother of 3 children under the age of 5 and this is so true. I notice a difference especially in my daughter age 3. Not only are the children better, but Mom and Dad too. Thank you for all the tips you provide us parents!!!
I have been reading your book and am just pages from being done
On the “MBS” time in the book it mentioned giving it a name such as mommy and ___ time and setting a timer for it. Do you feel that these two elements are necessary? I have been trying to busy my baby so my almost 3 year old can have my time; but it does tend to get interrupted and I feel like if I set a timer it will just give her something to say “mommy just a few more minutes” to and I would feel so mean to say “no” to that request!
Validating her feelings before telling her what I need her to do/stop has been a huge help on getting her to listen to me! There are still many times that are difficult in the day but getting better! I still am not sure how to deal with her constant stream of reasoning with me on things (ex: bed time… needs water, needs another potty break, needs to blow nose, on, and on!)
Hello Toni, glad you’re enjoying the book! Calling it something special kind of gives a label that the child can look forward to or refer to, it marks that time as special and their own. The timer is by no means necessary and I can see why it would make things difficult if the baby is breaking up the time. Without knowing how old your baby is exactly I would suggest trying to schedule MBS right after feeding and/or during naptime. Times when babies are at their quietest and calmest. If the baby is a little older, try scheduling during snack time or save a DVD or coloring book (or any activity the younger child can manage to do for 10 minutes) so that the younger sibling can be kept busy. Again, I highly recommend naptime… The timer can also help your older child know when the MBS time ends and along with a planned transition activity (a puzzle or book or toy that she can pick up right after MBS time) the asking for more time will cease.
Hope this helps!
Hi Janese! That’s certainly a challenge, but there are some tricks you can use to ensure both kids get their 20 Minutes. First of all you should think up some things to keep the other twin #1 busy while you and twin #2 are getting having your special time and vice versa. Set aside some favorite DVDs, coloring books, special snacks, or any other activity (anything that your two year old can do on his or her own for ten minutes) just to be used during you and your other twin’s special time. It may take a few tries, but if you can find something that is just reserved for that time it will start work. It may seem challenging at first but as it becomes routine your twins will just come to think of it as routine. Hope that helps!