It’s 7 AM, and you’re savoring a rare moment of peace—a steaming hot cup of coffee before the morning madness begins.
“Mom!”
“Dad!”
“He won’t leave me alone!”
“She’s hogging the bathroom!”
“I was here first!”
Sound familiar?
Sibling squabbles are a common part of family life, but that doesn’t make them any less frustrating. While rivalry is natural, constant fighting can strain family relationships and leave parents feeling frazzled.
The good news? You can reduce sibling rivalry and foster more cooperation with a few proven parenting strategies. Here’s how to bring more sibling harmony into your home.
1. Avoid Labels and Comparisons Between Siblings
One of the easiest mistakes for parents to make is labeling and comparing our kids. I get it!
Perhaps you’ve found yourself saying something like, “He’s my shy little guy,” or “She’s always been the studious one in the family.”
Sounds innocent enough, but even subtle labels fuel sibling rivalry. It can also unintentionally lead to a feeling of competition between them.
Think about it from their perspective…
If Mom refers to my sibling as the “studious one” by default, I assume that I’m not particularly studious. If she affectionately refers to me as “her wild one” or “her handful,” most likely, my sibling will feel rather superior as the “well-behaved” one.
Knowing how you may unintentionally label your kids and fuel competition is a great first step in banishing the bickering in your house.
2. Strengthen Bonds with Daily One-on-One Time
The most important strategy to minimize sibling rivalry is to deliberate about daily one-on-one time with each child and build connections. We like to refer to this time as MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® togetherness.
That’s simply ten to fifteen minutes per day when your child has YOU to herself. This short time will go a long way toward reducing sibling competition for your attention.
It’s no secret that well-behaved kids are often ignored, while misbehaving kids get attention.
Beat them to the punch by proactively filling their attention baskets, and you’ll find that their attention-seeing behaviors, such as squabbling, will decrease.
3. Mediate Conflicts Instead of Refereeing
At this point in parenthood, you may feel as though you should always carry a whistle and invest in a fully-stocked wardrobe of black-and-white striped shirts.
While you may feel like a referee, that is not your job! In fact, when parents referee sibling scuffles and choose sides, rivalry naturally escalates.
As parents, our job is to mediate, not play judge and jury. Bring the parties together and help them devise a solution they can feel good about. That way, there are no winners or losers, and they’ll learn valuable skills they’ll use in future conflicts.
Yes, sometimes we really can all win.
4. Teach Sharing Through Boundaries, Not Force
Learning to share is important, and so are boundaries.
When kids are forced to turn something over to a sibling (especially when it’s a new gift), it sends them a very clear message: Sharing feels bad, and I don’t want to do it again.
Instead of forcing your child to “give your sister a turn,” you can say, “That’s Megan’s new toy, and she’ll let you have a turn when she’s ready.”
This creates a feeling of safety for Megan. Over time, she’ll feel less territorial and be willing to share on her own.
Helpful Hint: Heather Schumacher offers great advice on this topic, including the words to say, in her book, It’s OK Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids.
5. Let Tantrums Run Their Course Without Giving In
Kids continue behaviors that work for them.
When parents give in to a sibling’s tantrum and say, “Oh, just give her a turn!” it fuels sibling rivalry and reinforces that the best tactic to get what you want is to pitch a fit.
Make sure the tantrum “doesn’t work” by letting it run its course. (I know it’s hard!)
In the midst of the tantrum, you can empathize with your child. This may sound something like…
“It’s hard to wait, isn’t it? Would you like to play with something else now?”
While letting the tantrum run its course may feel particularly painful while it’s happening, over time, you’ll see your persistence and refusal to give in pay dividends on how your kids behave together.
Final Thoughts
Imagine a household where sibling rivalry and fights are a rare occurrence.
It may seem like a pipe dream, but I promise it isn’t!
If you stay armed with these 5 tips and you’ll not only help your kids navigate sibling relationships–they may even achieve sibling harmony!
If, after testing the waters with these 5 tips, you still need more sibling rivalry solutions — don’t worry. Enroll in our Sibling Rivalry Solutions Masterclass and put an end to these exhausting power struggles.
Here’s wishing you and your children the best, most harmonious household ever!