Funny Things Kids Say

What’s The Funniest Thing Your Child Has Ever Said To You?

funny things kids sayI asked that question to our friends in the Positive Parenting Solutions Community and boy, did I get some hilarious quotes! They were too funny not to share!

(Last names have been removed to protect the innocently hilarious and some quotes were altered slightly for grammar & spelling corrections only).

Feel free to add to the list in the comments:

Funny Things Kids Say

Autumn: Oh God, I have so many… I think my favorite was “Mommy, I love you, but we seem to have our differences.” from my 4 year old at bedtime.

Becky: When I told my then 6-year-old son that I was expecting our 3rd child he said, ” You’ve got to be kidding me!!! Do you know how hard it is to raise 3 kids, mom?!” LOL So funny…and man, was he right.

Rhonda: As we were walking through the store, my 4.5 yr old daughter looks at me and asks, “Why do I always have to match my clothes and you don’t?”

Deborah: “Guess what mommy? Daddy has a tail!”

Sandi: “Mom, will you please put my poops away?” (He had pooped in the bathtub and set them on the side for me to put in the toilet. 2 years old at the time and so polite!)

Sara: 5 (year-old) yesterday at Central Park watching joggers: “Mama, why are there so many men showing off their nipples.”

Heather Jacobs Most “who needs a warm bed when you have a warm mommy”

Kim: Doing Passport to Purity with my 12 year old and we get to the “birds and the bees” section. Her first comment…”Man, Mary (Jesus Mother) was lucky!”

Dawn: “You are not the boss! Barack Obama is the boss!” (At 4 years old)

Fawn: I was doing dishes one day and my very busy/strong willed 3 year old comes up to me and says…”Mama…. when I open my mouth. I talk.” I had to do everything to keep from just dying laughing!

Dot: I used the phrase that “You kids will be the death of me” (I know, not good) and my little one says, “That’s ok Mommy, we will still grow up.”

Jackie: “Why does it tell you there is a hidden drive? Not much of a secret if they tell you.” LOL Max age 8

Julie: After being silly and goofy, asked 3-year-old son where he came from. He said with super straight face, “Target!”

Kali: After jokingly threatening my little 6-year-old boy with sticks and coal for Christmas, he told me “We’ll, I can still use those for something.” I love his optimism.

Michelle: “Why do they call them waiters when we are the ones who wait?”

Tiffany: “Mom, were you ever even remotely cool?” Said my 12-year-old son while I did a song and dance about a duck with my 9-year-old son.

Holly: When my 10 year old had just turned 5 he walked out of the bathroom and told me, “I’m 5 but my penis is still 4.”

Coreana: Yesterday morning my daughter was fighting me for the remote. She’s 4. She got it away from me so I opened my container of mini Oreo’s and offered her one since there was only one left in the container. She took the container and I grabbed the remote back. She looked at me, shook her head and said, “Man, I didn’t see that coming.” I laughed so hard.

Teresa: My niece told my sister’s neighbor that she was very sad because her grandfather died and she really missed him. Of course the neighbor immediately offered my sister condolences. The problem is our father died in 1984 and my niece is only 5.

Christina: While changing in the bathroom, my then 3-year-old son slapped me on the bottom and said “this is so cool mom, it just keeps going” HA HA HA!

Michelle: There are so many. I remember my daughter using the toilet after me and saying “Thanks for warming up the seat for me mommy.”

Danielle: We picked up our son from his first day of pre-school and he came running up to us and said “Mom, Dad you are going to be Grandparents!” Huh?

Tali: My 2 year old, obsessed with nursing, walked in on me in the bathroom and said, “Mommy, nene (nurse) me on the potty while you sing Old McDonald.”

Glenn: “Because chickens are harder to catch than cows.” Then-5 year old Katie, when her sister asked why we had to pay extra to substitute chicken for beef on our tacos at Taco Bell. The cashier even laughed and told her that she might be right.

Pam: When my son, who has two white parents, was a toddler I was giving him a bath during the summer and commented on how tan he was. He said, “Yeah, I know, I think I’m gonna be black when I grow up.”

Rebecca: My 5-year-old asking about the differences between a boys and girls bits. Nearly lost it. There have been so many. Love how kids talk.

Thuy: I joked with my 4-year-old daughter, “Can you please change your sister’s nappy for Mummy?” And she said, “No. I don’t want to get poo on my hands.” HA HA HA.

Heather: “Mommy, Tigers live in the wild, and they live in Zoos. They DON’T live in Texas!” (Dead serious, like this was something I should already know and he couldn’t BELIEVE he had to explain it to me. I almost hurt myself trying not to laugh!) – Lance, age 3

Erin: “Mommy, Daddy says there might be ice on the moon, but he’s wrong because there’s no water on the moon.” Says my 3.5 year old.

Lisa: My 4-year-old daughter – “Is that makeup so you don’t look old? Cause you don’t look old… your face is still straight.”

Tokin: I think my son was about 4 and we’re all sitting eating dinner when he says “Sometimes my weenis has bones in it”. I had a very hard time keeping myself from ROFL. . We wondered at the time where he thinks those bones go.

Melissa: “Mom you may be forty but you can boogey like your fourteen.”

Teresa: “What happens when you die? Is it like a Popsicle, you just melt into the ground?” Age 3

Kerri: “I like your coat mama, it looks like a rug…”

Kim: Wiley, at bed time, “Wrap me up like a Dorito, Mommy!”

Deb: From my then 3-year-old son – From said 3 year old, as we were driving over a hill in our mini-van loaded with extended family – “Hold on everybody, we’re going down.” (it may have been his voice and the timing on that one, but it was hilarious when it happened)

Felicia: Right after my 2nd child my first son would go around telling people he had heartburn!

Lori: Oh my, way too many to pick just one. The one thing he’s said to me the most since he was 2 is “your old and warm!” This is usually when he’s snuggling with me.

Davis: My friend’s son was in the bathroom with her while she was peeing. He said, “Wow! It’s so cool that you poop AND pee out of your butt.” LOL. It’s funny what they think!

Rea: My 12 year old said, “Do you know that 75% of teenagers die in a car accident?” LOL Actually he meant 75% chance!

Heather: “Mom! I know where my poop comes out now!”

Autumn: I just remembered when my daughter was three she asked if she could drive, and I told her she could when she was a grownup, and she said “Yeah, and then I can say ‘speed up or get off the road, dumbass!'” Oops… mommy had to check her road rage after that!

Harmoni: When my daughter stepped on a crayon & broke it she turned to me & said “Oh no mom I assaulted the crayon!” I laughed so hard!

About the Author

Amy McCready
Nationally recognized parenting expert Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and the best selling author of The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic - A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World and If I Have to Tell You One More Time…The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling. As a “recovering yeller” and a Certified Positive Discipline Instructor, Amy is a champion of positive parenting techniques for happier families and well-behaved kids. Amy is a TODAY Show contributor and has been featured on CBS This Morning, CNN, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, Rachael Ray, Steve Harvey & others. In her most important role, she is the proud mom of two amazing young men.