parenting

Talking to Kids About Death, Tragedy, and Loss

Mom hugging daughterMom hugging daughter

Mom hugging daughter

Oh, precious friend. If you’re reading this article, chances are you’re in a tough spot. 

Whether grandpa just received a terminal diagnosis and is only given weeks to live or mommy was in a life-ending car accident, the thought of breaking the news to a child is enough to make anyone panic. 

As a parenting educator, my number one goal is to equip parents with the tools they need to handle all of life’s parenting struggles. I even offer a FREE ONLINE CLASS to get parents started. As questions about grief have begun to circulate in our Positive Parenting Solutions community, I realized I needed some help answering these challenging questions. 

With research and feedback from our Positive Parenting Solutions members (ranging from grief counselors to those who’ve personally experienced loss), I’ve compiled information to help relay and explain death and tragedy–as much as it ever can be explained–to our kids.

Looking for ways to help kids cope with grief? Here are 7 reliable strategies.

Concepts of Death by Age

Before we can even begin one of the hardest conversations of our lives, we need to know what kids are capable of understanding. Naturally, most of their comprehension regarding death and loss depends on their age and experience–and we need to explain things accordingly. 

Preschool (Ages 2-5)

The finality of death is hard for anyone to accept. But for very young children, who have no understanding of mortality, they are simply unaware that death exists. 

A 3-year-old, for example, might be unable to grasp that her deceased grandfather is “gone forever” as she’s been told. She may even ask when he’ll be returning. 

Young children are also ego-centric by nature and may think they have caused or can control death or loss. This is concerning because they might feel guilty or responsible for what happened. 

If an older sibling dies, a younger 4-year-old brother might think it was the mean look he gave him or the harsh words he said under his breath that caused his death. 

Whether or not we introduce religion to young children, the concept of heaven, the soul, and an after-life can also be confusing. Most young children are very literal (particularly those diagnosed with autism), and abstract concepts–especially the idea of a person being in heaven and buried in the ground at the same time–don’t come easily to them. 

Early Childhood (Ages 5-7)

Slightly older children still grapple with the finality of death. Like younger kids, they may also think they can influence or cause death with thoughts or actions. They may even believe they can avoid their own mortality.  

Children this age might connect unrelated incidents to explain loss. If a 6-year-old watched The Nightmare Before Christmas the day her friend died, she may think–without being told otherwise–that the movie caused her friend’s death.

Middle Childhood Years (Ages 7-10)

Grief can grow in intensity for kids this age as they’re old enough to understand death as inescapable and irreversible. This means they may become fearful of their own death or the death of additional loved ones. 

At the same time, though, children in this age group are becoming more capable of looking beyond themselves. They may worry about how their family members and loved ones are coping. 

They also want to understand and make sense of death, and will likely ask more detailed, difficult questions. 

Pre-Adolescents (Ages 10-12)

Pre-adolescents have learned enough about the human body and basic biology to grasp how a body physically dies; whether it’s from old age, injury, or disease. Coincidingly, though, their fear of death further increases. 

Luckily, this age group can better understand that death and loss isn’t their fault, but may still need reminding and/or professional guidance. This is especially dependent on the situation and how the death or loss occurred. 

Teenagers

Teenagers, in their final stretch towards adulthood, generally acknowledge death in its entirety. They are also ready to explore the philosophical meaning of life. 

Also, with their growing freedom and privacy, teenagers may process their grief more independently than younger children. 

Explaining the Unexplainable 

Since every child’s ability to process death is different, how can we explain what we barely comprehend ourselves? Where can we possibly start?

No matter your child’s age, it’s important to begin by finding a safe and secure environment. While the explanation should come soon after a loved one’s passing–so that children don’t hear it from other, less personable sources (and so that they understand why you’re acting differently, or sad)–it can at least wait until they’re home from school and away from the public eye.  

Next, it’s important to hold the child or offer some form of physical affection while delivering this news. If it’s our 4-year-old daughter, we can pull her up on our lap and hug her. If it’s our reclusive teenager, we can put a hand on his shoulder. This, beyond the comfort of a quiet and familiar physical environment, will help our kids feel safe and sheltered while hearing difficult information. 

If the death or loss isn’t sudden, we can ask our child what she may already know. Maybe she was aware that auntie was sick and suffering, or maybe she wasn’t. (Learn when to tell kids about a terminal diagnosis–and why.) 

Then, we can explain what our kids need to know.

While it might be hard to suppress our own strong emotions, it’s best to be calm, stay as reassuring as possible, and use simple, matter-of-fact explanations. 

If we say “Auntie went to sleep forever,” our young daughter will be confused. Children know that after sleeping, we wake up. Plus, if we explain death in this way, our daughter may develop an unfortunate and irrational fear of sleep. 

Instead, we can be more direct and say, “Auntie’s body got very sick and it stopped working. She can’t breathe, eat, walk, or feel anything anymore.” 

Although it might seem too harsh, these facts, when presented sensitively and directly, are reasonable and acceptable explanations to children of all ages. 

Be Open to Questions, but Don’t Pry

Once we’ve told our children what they need to know, we can transition to asking what they’d like to know. Even the youngest children will probably ask questions we can’t answer. It’s always ok to say, “I don’t know.”

Children may want to hear the same information repeatedly in order to accept what has happened. Or, they may not have any questions at all. It’s also possible their questions will come later–in a few days, months, or even years. And if kids don’t ask for details, details don’t need to be given. They’ll ask questions when they’re ready to hear them. 

Part of asking our kids what they want to know can also be asking them who they want to know; that is, which of their friends or acquaintances they’d like to share the news with. We should encourage them to confide in anyone they’d like. 

Quote it's always ok to say to a child I don't know

Kids With Special Needs

When children have cognitive differences, it’s best to explain loss at their cognitive-age. 

It’s important to always tell a child–even with severe intellectual differences–about the loss of a loved one. Despite their processing differences, children with special needs still have a close emotional bond with those around them and have the right and the need to learn of a loved one’s death. 

For children with autism, the same methods of explanation at various ages apply.

Suicide and Violent Deaths

When death comes tragically through suicide or murder, it’s important to explain what happened as matter-of-factly as possible with honest–yet minimalist–description. 

The scripts below come from the Common Ground Grief Center and can provide a place to start for these difficult conversations. 

(WHEN EXPLAINING SUICIDE)

“It is difficult to understand why someone would want to end his or her life on purpose. But what we know is that just like people can get sick in their bodies, such as pain in their stomach, people can also get sick in their brain. This can cause them to feel very sad and lonely for a long time.

When people feel like this, they sometimes think about hurting themselves or even killing themselves. That is what your mom did. This is called suicide. Do you have any questions?”

(WHEN EXPLAINING HOMICIDE)   

“There are people in this world who might make a decision to hurt someone else on purpose. Someone killed your dad and he is no longer alive. It can be difficult to understand why someone would want to cause others harm like this. This is called homicide. Do you have any questions?” 

Addressing Spirituality and Religion

Times of crisis are always an appropriate time to acknowledge and explore faith and philosophy with children. 

As mentioned before, however, when abstract, metaphysical concepts are used to explain death, children may struggle to understand.

For young children, using solely religious explanations may be ineffective because they need much more concrete, specific explanations about the physical realities of death. – Elyse C. Salek, MEd, and Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP — HealthyChildren.org

If we tell our son that his dad is “now in a better place,he may wonder why life on Earth is so terrible. If we mention that “God wanted Grandma to join him in heaven,” young kids will ponder why God thinks it’s more important that Grandma is with Him and not with family. And if we mention that Grandma will always be watching over them, it might make them feel uncomfortable when they’ve done something bad or embarrassing.

While these explanations may give adults comfort, they need to be used carefully with children. Otherwise, they can further concern and confuse them. 

As children grow older and ask deeper, more detailed questions, we can gradually introduce the more complex aspects of our belief systems.

Final Thoughts

I know that right now, it may be hard for anything to sound helpful or to make sense. I know you and your child are hurting.

Taking the first step towards anything is often the hardest. You just need to focus on putting one foot forward–step-by-step, minute-by-minute–and helping your child do the same.

Don’t ever hesitate to seek additional outside resources and advice from grief counselors and specialists. And, please, remember that there are many helpful strategies you can use to relay the heartbreaking news to your children and move forward through grief, tragedy, and loss. 

Our goal at Positive Parenting Solutions is to support parents on their parenting journey through all of its ups and downs. We have an incredible community of parents who’ve learned how to parent well through all of life’s struggles.

If you’d like to learn more about the positive parenting strategies we teach, I’d love for you to join me for a free class.

In the meantime, we are sending you all the virtual hugs and love we can muster during this incredibly difficult season.

I Was a Hard-to-Be-Around Adult … Until I Knew Better

Mom playing with kids at the tableMom playing with kids at the table

Mom playing with kids at the table

Guest post from New York Times bestselling author, Rachel Macy Stafford

A few months ago, I came across a photo taken during a beach vacation with my extended family when my first-born daughter Natalie was a baby. Some beach vacation memories kind of run together, but not this one. I remember every shameful moment of that trip.

Seeing my husband’s family members standing next to me, and recalling how loving they were to me when I was so hard to be around, brought a lump to my throat.

While no one ever came right out and mentioned how difficult I was to be around during that trip… that season… that period of my life… I knew I was. I was controlling and critical; I overreacted to small things, and nothing was ever good enough.

Hard-To-Be-Around was an Understatement

I remember how my husband, Scott, kindly booked me a facial during that week in an effort to help me relax. About mid-way through the treatment, the esthetician left me alone for quite some time. Instead of viewing her extending absence as a chance to simply rest and breathe, I impatiently got up, got dressed, and left in a huff.

While recalling my behavior — that I now know was masking a deep, unspoken pain — my face burned with embarrassment.

But, as shame and regret were about to sabotage the present moment, I gently told myself, “No. You’re not going there. Today matters more than yesterday; who you are becoming matters more than who you once were.”

For added measure, I recited Maya Angelou’s wise saying, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

I reminded myself that is exactly what I’ve done over the past decade of my life. By chronicling my most painful truths and using them as catalysts for healing and growth, I’ve become the person I didn’t think I’d ever become:

Someone who is easy to be around.

And I don’t mean “easy” as in pushover, but “easy” as in accepting, open, optimistic, forgiving, and peaceful.  And as a result, my relationships with the people I love have also been healed and strengthened.

Like any positive transformation, this growth didn’t happen overnight, and honestly, I’m not sure I would have fully realized its impact on my relationship with my daughter had it not been for a late-night disaster that occurred a few months back.

I was due to deliver a keynote for an important organization that empowers young people. I’d worked on the presentation for weeks, making sure to save the document throughout the writing process. But when I went to print out the script the night before, it was nowhere to be found.

After a futile two-hour search, I walked upstairs and knocked softly on Natalie’s bedroom door.

“Is everything ok?” she said, sitting up quickly in her bed.

“I lost my speech that I am giving in the morning. I just know I saved it, but I can’t find it,” I said trying to hold back tears. “Can you help me?”

Natalie promptly took my computer into her hands and started clicking buttons, opening folders, and checking recent documents. For over ten minutes, she searched by title and various key words.

While she searched, Natalie said not a word, which gave me time to think. I remember my thoughts in that moment quite vividly:

She is not shaming me.

She is not blaming me. 

She is not doubting or dismissing me. 

She is seeing me. 

She is standing with me. 

My problem is her problem. 

I am not alone.

I can breathe. 

Rachel Macy Stafford quote

Unable to find the document after trying everything she knew how to do, Natalie reluctantly handed the computer back to me, saying how sorry she was.

“Thank you so much for trying,” I said, feeling unexpectedly hopeful.

As I walked downstairs, I realized that watching Natalie open files triggered a memory from a few days prior. I’d been working away from home and when I tried to save my presentation, I got a message saying it could not be saved unless I was connected to the internet.

I sat down at the kitchen table feeling confident that my presentation was saved in a remote location. As I searched, a text from Natalie popped up. She wrote:

“Text me if you have any luck finding it. I’m really sorry this happened. I know how hard you work to always be prepared for these things, and you do so much for us all. I’m really sorry, and I hate that this happened. If there is anything else I can do, let me know.” 

I couldn’t explain why, but her compassionate response to my plight gave me added hope and determination; I felt like no matter what resulted, I could deliver that speech in a few hours. Had I not had Natalie to turn to and had she not received me so kindly in my moment of crisis, I’m certain I would not have felt that way.

Reflecting back on that moment now, there is also this:

Had I stayed the person who was hard to be around–

A person who couldn’t be pleased,

A person who held tightly to her plan,

A person who met mistakes with exasperated sighs,

I’m not sure my daughter would have welcomed me into her room late that night… and I’m quite certain she wouldn’t be welcoming me into her own catastrophes, heartaches, and challenges as she grows.

Interestingly, this experience relates to one of the most unforgettable conversations I heard when I spoke with a group of middle schoolers last year. It was the kind of insight that fueled me to keep writing my book, LIVE LOVE NOW, even though it was the hardest endeavor I’ve ever pursued.

A few kids had gathered around a desk after my presentation, and a student mentioned that certain adults are “hard to be around.” The other kids nodded in agreement and began to talk.  I recognized myself in their comments and felt grateful to be in a position to hear – and really listen to – what they had to say without feeling defensive.

Based on their commentary, I was able to come to gather some conclusions. Here is a short list of adult behaviors that increase the chance of being invited into the sacred spaces of young people’s lives.

Easy-To-Be-Around Adults…

  • Don’t always expect conversation. They accept that quiet is needed – and even welcome or create periods of connective silence with the young people they love.
  • Don’t take bad attitudes and grumpy dispositions personally. They realize young people are coping with a lot, both internally and externally, and understand that the poor attitude being displayed is most likely not about them.
  • Don’t interrogate. Instead of peppering young people with questions, Easy-To-Be-Around Adults make themselves available and approachable. When the young people DO talk, the adult pushes aside what they are doing to listen fully and express genuine interest in what is being said.
  • Don’t judge decisions. Maybe it’s not the choice the adult would have made, but that does not mean it’s wrong or won’t result in a learning experience. Easy-To-Be-Around Adults express curiosity instead of judgment by saying something like: “I’d like to hear more about why you took that route.”
  • Don’t have all the answers. It’s hard to be around someone who knows it all, especially when it comes to one’s own personal life. Throughout a teen’s path to independence, they need a sounding board, not a know-it-all.
  • Don’t expect perfection. Easy-To-Be-Around Adults communicate that mistakes are part of life, dismissing the notion that perfection is needed in life’s journey, which is very damaging to personal growth, happiness, and wellbeing. Easy-To-Be-Around also share their own mistakes, becoming a trusted source of support when things go wrong.
  • Don’t comment on appearance. Easy-To-Be-Around Adults trust that their kids are showing up in whatever way they feel most comfortable. They accept young people “as is,” knowing that even the most well-intentioned “suggestions” regarding appearance feel like rejections of who they are.

As for the whole presentation debacle, I was able to find it very early that morning in a remote location called OneDrive I didn’t even know existed. Although it was around one o’clock in the morning, I suddenly felt awake and excited. For the first time ever, I would have the opportunity to share pieces of my new book with an audience that would eagerly embrace and apply my insights.

I expected the audience to be receptive to my honest sharing, but nothing could have prepared me for the response of one particular teen.

I was talking to a group of people after the event when she came up and put her hand on my arm.

“Can I just hug you?” the young woman said.

When we embraced, I noticed she let out an audible sigh of relief, whispering, “Thank you.”

As she held on and I held on, several thoughts of gratitude came to mind –

Thank goodness for second chances… third chances… and forty-second chances.

Thank goodness, the truth is not the end; it is the beginning.

Thank goodness, struggles shared are struggles halved.

I could not find what this young person had lost any more than Natalie could find my misplaced presentation–but simply SEEING this young woman and her pain provided the fuel she needed to move forward with hope.

“Feeling seen and heard enables human beings to reach their highest potential.”  

I’d said those exact words in the talk.

But this young person knew by the cracks in my voice that it wasn’t just talk–

I’ve lived it… I’ve practiced it.

And now, the people around me can breathe easier and so can I.

Thank goodness it’s not too late to become who you never thought you’d be.

Thank goodness we have the chance to love better, once we know better.

Final Thoughts From Amy

It is always such a precious gift to share space on this blog with my dear friend, Rachel Macy Stafford. She is a breath of fresh air to parents who feel like they are drowning, and her newest book LIVE LOVE NOW should be on everyone’s must-read list this year!

About the Author

Rachel Macy Stafford is a New York Times bestselling author and founder of www.handsfreemama.com. In Live Love Now, Rachel Macy Stafford weaves tools of her trade as a special education teacher with the daily rhythms of life and brings them to your living room. Today’s youth may very well be facing issues no previous generation has ever faced, but Rachel shows us how our homes can be safe havens, even when the world feels disconnected, divided, and uncertain. If we are willing to live a life anchored by truth, presence and connection, there is great hope.

How to Use Positive Parenting During a Pandemic (And Why You Should)

Mom at table with daughters smilingMom at table with daughters smiling

Mom at table with daughters smiling

Let me guess: Nothing is putting a magnifying glass on your family’s imperfections like the current quarantine.

And the magnifying glass gets hotter by the minute.

Your toddler is banging his head and slobbering against the window, your tween has been communicating only in grunts, and your 8-year-old’s remote-learning viola lesson reminds you of a dying cat.

Yes, we’re all feeling it. Things got real…fast. And as a byproduct, family time just got a lot more intense.

We read words like “unprecedented” and “new normal” ad nauseam, but they fail to make it easier. 

We hear powerful stories around the world showing unity–whether it’s an entire city applauding health care workers or entire countries staying home to “flatten the curve”–but, at home, we’re still worried about an unknown future. 

And, at this point, despite knowing full well we should embrace this time with our kids, many of us are craving a little break (or two…or three…).

I’m here to tell you, though, you’re not alone. While we heavily engage in our online communities–whether through Instagram, FaceTime calls, or Zoom chats–there are also amazing parenting resources to help us navigate this pandemic with our families. (You can check out our free online Positive Parenting class for an excellent introduction to our 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training course.)

If you haven’t yet tried Positive Parenting (or aren’t even sure what it is), a time of heightened chaos and uncertainty is the perfect time to start. You’re already reinventing schoolwork, working from home, and creating a new temporary lifestyle. You don’t exactly have a lot of time, yet you have more time at home than ever to implement something new.

Parenting, even in the best of circumstances, is hard. So, if you’re questioning your sanity right about now, I know a few Positive Parenting strategies will help you and your family survive–and maximize–your time together.

Here’s why…

Positive Parenting Decreases Parental Stress

Whether we’re worried about paying the next bill, watching an entire life’s savings tank in the stock market, or more or less inventing our kid’s at-home school curriculum, things are likely more stressful right now. They may even feel entirely out of control. We might want to scream, cry, laugh hysterically with frustration, or just zone out in forced apathy. 

Positive Parenting counters stress and chaos by focusing on the things we CAN control– staying calm and…you guessed it…being positive

Try to Keep Calm and Carry On

Staying calm means when our kids don’t listen, we walk away before we start yelling. It means we take a breath and count to ten before responding. It means we choose not to fight fire with fire.

Fight Fire with fire quote

Keeping calm cools our heads while allowing us to parent intentionally and strategically. 

If you choose not to let your son’s refusal to do algebra infuriate you, you’ll receive less stressful backtalk. If you ask your daughter to take out the trash and she says “no,” you’ll dodge a heated power struggle by responding calmly with an alternative tactic rather than a fiery ultimatum.

Instead of driving ourselves nuts reminding and nagging our kids to get their work done, we can use the controlled When-Then tool.

When you take out the trash, then you can watch your TV show.”

It seems overly simple, but it’s profoundly effective. Letting our kids determine when they’d like to complete a task makes the request less of a demand. It doesn’t let kids off the hook, but it does let them have a little more control. If they don’t finish the task, the TV is off-limits. When they do–in their time–they can earn back that privilege. (Please note this is not a reward. It’s an already established, routinely enjoyed privilege.)

This simple strategy allows parents to remain calm but maintain structure in a child’s daily tasks without heated debate and added stress.

Maintain a Glass Half Full

There really are ways to make this quarantine work in our favor, and focusing on them right now will be our ticket to happiness. 

Staying positive doesn’t mean turning into a facsimile of the crazy smiler in The Emoji Movie or ignoring pressing concerns. In fact, open communication about difficult emotions during this time will actually help our kids learn from the current world scenario and help them manage and overcome it. 

But staying positive does require a glass half full sort of optimism. 

Yes, we are cooped up with our kids more than usual. Yes, our financial situation may cause us anxiety. Yes, our days are feeling more and more like we’re living in The Twilight Zone. But even as we ride this Covid-powered roller coaster, we need to think about what great things can come from it. And by staying positive, our kids will pick up on that energy. 

I know it’s easier said than done, but we can think of quarantine as an amazing chance for family bonding, a time to reach out to long-lost friends, and a time to get creative and do things we’ve long put off.

What gifts might come from this quote

A family paint night that you’ve imagined for months can finally happen when you purchase those paint supplies online, or you can finally learn to play chess with your ten-year-old through an online tutorial. 

This isn’t to suggest that family activities won’t have their own drawbacks–like tantrums of epic proportions when toddlers lose a game of Go Fish, or teenagers choosing not to participate in family movie night. 

It’s just important to remember that this quarantine has silver linings that will benefit us all.

Focus on an Increase in Cooperation

No matter the various levels of our current quarantine “lock-downs,” we want our family life to be a well-oiled–and happy–machine. When things run smoothly, kids will more willingly complete their schoolwork, the house can be (somewhat) clean, and we can work fluidly from home–all without wanting to strangle each other by the end of the day.

This means we need cooperation.

Power struggles affect every family on Earth. They’re frustrating, unhelpful, and sometimes inevitable. 

But with Positive Parenting, many power struggles are preventable. And with fewer battles at home, anxiety lessens, moods lift, and things get done.

One tool to encourage cooperation and avoid power struggles is to give kids a little more control. Throwing out demands left and right can send kids–and well, anyone–into defensive mode. So instead of being authoritarians, giving our kids opportunities to make a few decisions for themselves will give them less reason to complain, argue, and misbehave.

An older toddler will put up less of a fight at bedtime if you let him choose which of three books he’d like to read. An 8-year-old will feel empowered when you let him choose his at-home curriculum for the week (considering how lenient his remote schoolwork is). And a teenager will feel less angst if you let her choose which app she’d like to use to communicate with her friends (as long as cyberbullying and internet security are considered). 

All of these, in turn, will naturally make parenting a little less crazy in a whirlwind kind of time.

Positive Parenting Decreases Children’s Stress

Our kids are just as impacted as we are by the current changes this pandemic has created–particularly our teens and tweens. Whether it’s big events like spring recitals, lacrosse tournaments, prom, or even graduation, kids are missing out on memorable life experiences with their friends. They’re also learning how to navigate School Mom and Dad.

We may be frustrated with how our kids are handling their big emotions right now. But staying calm and positive will help them as much as it helps us. 

Embrace Encouragement

One way to help our kids manage their current situation is to use Encouragement

Encouragement is a Positive Parenting tool that puts ourselves in our kids’ shoes and focuses on the things they’re doing right. Sure, it’s justifiable to be tired of the bad attitudes and the lack of cooperation, but we can also take a moment to “read the room.” 

Our kids are likely disappointed they can’t attend Field Day or present their year-long science experiments. They might be faced with celebrating special occasions and birthdays without friends and struggling with learning at home.

The truth is, none of this is what any of us planned for or expected.

We can say, “Hey, Honey, I know how disappointed you are that so many things you were looking forward to have been cancelled. This Coronavirus has taken us all by surprise. Despite all of these changes, you’ve been working hard learning from home and assisting me plan and cook our dinners” (or whatever else may apply). “I’ve really appreciated your helpfulness.”

It doesn’t matter if children’s contributions are small or some of their usual good behavior has been lacking. Encouragement can pinpoint any positive effort and support it. Maybe your son focused 5 minutes longer on his English homework today than yesterday, or your young daughter finally put her games away. 

We can also use Encouragement by asking our kids to think of solutions to their recent disappointments. Although the solutions may not be as amazing as they’d hoped, they can still be special.

Maybe those birthdays they’re missing with their friends can be celebrated via surprise drive-bys with shouts, waves, and confetti. Maybe graduation can be a small family affair with a backyard Pomp and Circumstance ceremony and hand-made diploma (followed by take-out from a favorite restaurant).

We can help our kids with serious cases of FOMO (or with the FOMO we have FOR them!) by celebrating the smaller things in life. It’s another one of the greatest gifts this quarantine can give us, and it may even help oft-entitled kids feel more grateful than ever.

By using Encouragement, we’re not indulging pity parties or ignoring bad behavior. We are simply showing compassion. And by modeling compassion, we can expect our kids to feel sympathy for others who may be suffering greatly during this time, like healthcare workers and COVID-19 patients.

Give Them the Attention They Crave

One foundational belief of Positive Parenting is that kids have an innate need to feel significant. This means they need to be reminded of their self-worth, capabilities, and the value they bring to the family. These reassurances are even more imperative during a time of change and uncertainty–just like we’re experiencing now.

Has your 5-year-old been talking your ear off or yelling outlandishly every time you call to check on a relative? Is your 11-year-old misbehaving more than usual? Or, is your teenager doing things just to elicit a reaction?

Chances are, your children are stressed. They may feel less valued because we’re more distant or distracted than usual.

We’re already spending at least 50% more time with our kids each day than (possibly) ever before, so how could they need more attention? And how can we possibly give it? 

The thing is, in order to feel truly valued, kids need daily one-on-one time with us where we engage in something they want to do. Although this time with each parent needs to be undistracted, it doesn’t have to take long. For busy families, even 10-15 minute chunks of time can be sufficient. 

For young kids, one-on-one time might include playing house or building a couch fort. For older kids, it might be talking in-depth about the latest video game. Remember–the activity is their choice.

We can’t count at-home schooling or family game night as one-on-one time because it doesn’t focus on kids and their interests individually. But when we take the time to do it, it makes a huge difference in our children’s stress levels and their behaviors. (We might even be able to have a phone conversation in peace.)

We Can Focus on Justifiable–and Fair–Consequences

This more-than-usual family time is all well and good, but kids are still going to be kids, and parents are still going to “lose it” once in a while.

We can’t expect things to be perfect or to find a new balance with work/school/housework overnight. But what we can do is make sure that when things feel out of hand with a child’s misbehavior, we apply fair and effective consequences. 

Kids that don’t know what to expect are more likely to feel anxious. They are also more likely to find reprimands and punishments unjust.

If a child has ignored your requests to clean up the backyard, for example, an abrupt spanking will just turn resentment towards you. It will also fail to prevent further misbehavior. 

Positive Parenting focuses instead on Logical Consequences. 

Logical Consequences are unique–and effective–because they follow a set of guidelines that logically link the cause and effect of misbehaviors. With this link, kids perceive the consequences as fair and internalize them rationally and productively. 

Sounds great, right?

I know–your 6-year-old isn’t going to suddenly appreciate you taking her toy away when she hits her brother with it; nor will your teenager graciously relinquish his phone privileges after breaking the rules and texting late at night. But, your kids will understand that the “punishment” (although we prefer to use the word consequence) fits the crime. They’ll more consciously grasp that their poor choices warranted your response. 

Logical Consequences are also fair because they’re revealed in advance. They don’t come as a surprise or add undue stress–something all kids could benefit from avoiding right now. This obviously won’t work in a situation that takes parents by surprise, like a child suddenly breaking quarantine rules by playing with a neighbor outside. But it can be applied next time, by warning the child that if she does that again, she won’t be able to go outside tomorrow (as hard as that might be for you). 

There is so much to learn about implementing consequences, which is why I’ve created an entirely free class where I’ll teach you the 5Rs for fair and effective consequences. I promise it’ll be the best hour you spend this week!

Join Amy For a Free Class

Positive Parenting Solutions is the Missing Village You Really Need Right Now 

We can’t see friends and extended family at a physical arm’s reach right now, but we need support more than ever. We’re lacking so many of our usual outlets, from coffee dates with fellow parents to toddler playdates with neighbors.

What we can do is rely on tried and true Parenting Success System tools that will help us navigate uncharted waters. 

By taking charge of your family’s quarantine through Positive Parenting, you and your kids will feel a lot less stressed and a lot more grateful. And while the quarantine is guaranteed to expire, these parenting tools never will! You’ll have acquired amazing strategies you can carry with you for the rest of your parenting journey. 

Take your first step towards Positive Parenting today and learn why life-long access to our proven 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training course will benefit you and your family for years and years to come.

Positive Parenting for Blended Families: 5 Tips for Success

blended family holding kids in laps and smilingblended family holding kids in laps and smiling

blended family holding kids in laps and smiling

When yours and mine suddenly become ours…a lot of changes occur. And if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’re experiencing those changes at this very moment. You are now a part of one of the most prominent family structures in today’s society–the blended family!

I can assure you, I’ve worked with families of every style, structure, and size. Whether they’ve taken my FREE PARENTING WEBINAR or signed up for the 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training program, you name it, I’ve seen it.

And though these families may look vastly different on the outside, I’ve come to learn that every parent–no matter what type of family they come from–wants the exact same thing. 

To see their family flourish!

But how?

Just as with any family, blended families face their fair share of tough parenting challenges. When navigating the muddy waters of co-parenting and step-parenting, the road isn’t always easy. But I promise you, it’s well worth the trip! 

Your new family can succeed! Using these 5 tips, there’s no reason you cannot become the positive parent you’ve always dreamed of being.

Tip #1: Make Time for Connection (With Each Child)

“You’re not my mom!”  

“My REAL dad never makes me take out the trash.”

“I hate you!” 

Do any of these sound familiar?

Maybe the stinging pain of a fresh divorce is still lingering in their young minds or the idea of having to answer to another parent is too much for them to handle.

Whatever the case may be, when merging two families, it can be incredibly difficult to establish a relationship with the children involved.

I know how hard this time can be, especially when all the kids seem to do is push you away. But believe me when I say NOW is the time to cultivate those relationships and establish a connection!

Here are a couple of ideas on how you can do just that:

MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® Activities

There is no better way to get to know your new children than by spending quality time with them. And there is no better way to ensure the children you already have continue to feel loved and empowered than by doing the exact same thing.

So what can you do? Incorporate what I call MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® activities (MBST)–with EACH child, EVERY day!

I get it, the life of a parent is anything but slow. And life for a parent in a blended family? Forget about it!

Still, I urge you to make time for MBST with your kids. It’s so important because parents who regularly incorporate this time into their daily lives see a positive change in their kids’ behavior! All you need is 10-15 minutes each day that you can spend with each child one-on-one, doing whatever it is they would like to do.

Put away the distractions and protect this time for connection. Schedule it on the calendar so kids know when it’s happening and most importantly, give it a name!

By giving this “special time” a label, kids will have a tangible way of describing your time together and you’ll get “credit” when you say, “I really enjoyed our Mommy & Avery time! I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow!”

Not only is this a power-packed tool that will help you connect with each child, but it will also help cut down on the number of tantrums, attitudes, and general misbehavior you see from your kids. 

Of course, the reality of living with a blended family means that you may not see your children every day. If that’s the case, fret not!

Use FaceTime to chat about their day or read a bedtime story together. Send them off with a handwritten letter (one for each day you’re apart) for them to read whenever they’re missing you. Make a plan to spend extra time together on the days that you have them.

The bottom line is, there are so many ways you can still make them feel empowered, loved, and important–even from afar. 

Plan Special “Date Nights”

When you were getting to know your significant other, chances are you learned a lot about one another while out on a date. You asked questions, had fun, and allowed yourself the time to truly build your relationship from the ground up.

Why not do the same for your new children?

Of course, there are a couple of rules: 

1) Each date must take place outside of the house.

2) Dates must be planned in advance, giving the child (and you!) something to look forward to. 

Try taking them to their favorite restaurant for dinner or out for a round of mini-golf. If money is an issue, no need to worry–great dates don’t have to cost a dime! Perhaps you go for a bike ride at their favorite park. Or pack a picnic and hit a local hiking trail!

Whatever it is you decide to do, make sure you have plenty of opportunities to talk. Ask them about school, their family, and especially their interests. Then work those into your time together.

Does your new stepdaughter have a passion for dance? Maybe tickets to see The Nutcracker would make for the perfect Christmas gift. 

You can also ask them to teach you something new! 

Perhaps your stepson is an avid gamer? Why not make a connection and find some common ground while he’s showing you the ins and outs of Fortnite?

Whatever you do to reach out to your kids, just know that establishing an emotional connection takes time. But if you keep at it, persisting with love and attention, you’ll soon begin to feel the growing bond you’ve been longing for.

Tip #2: Set Up Family Meetings

Blended families ARE families–one unit! And when it comes to solving problems, getting along, merging schedules, and anything else you may need to coordinate, it’s best to work together.

Which is why I highly recommend setting up (and regularly sticking to) a family meeting.

Think of it like a business. Success comes when every person is on board. Family meetings provide a wonderful opportunity for every member of the family to get on the same page, connect, and problem-solve.

Pick a time–preferably the same time each week–to have your meeting and stick to it!

Then come up with an agenda. Are your son and stepdaughter constantly at each other’s throats? Are you having a hard time balancing everyone’s after-school schedules? Figure out what issues you may need to resolve and bring them to the table during this time.

Also, make sure that every family member–yes, that includes the kids–has a voice. Not only will this be the time you come together as one unit to problem-solve and connect, but you’ll also be giving each of your children a huge dose of positive power and attention by allowing them to speak their minds and be heard.

Lastly, make sure it’s FUN! No one wants to show up to a meeting where they are just going to get lectured. Have a snack and plan a fun family activity to do at the end of the meeting — even if it’s just a dance party or going around the table and sharing a favorite joke. 

Pro Tip: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, be sure to review Step 6. Here you will find out how to structure family meetings, check out agenda examples, and get a detailed list of what elements MUST be in place to make the Family Meeting most effective.

Tip #3: Model Respect

The funny thing about kids is, even when you think they aren’t listening, THEY ARE!

Which is why you should always be mindful of the things you say around them, even when you think they aren’t paying attention. 

When talking about your step-child’s mother, father, or the child himself, it’s important to make sure you’re always coming from a place of respect. Children have a way of picking up on negativity, hostility, and anger. And just as you want and deserve to be respected, your co-parents deserve the same thing.

The same goes for the kids themselves! Respect your children and they will respect you. By modeling this behavior, you are setting a wonderful example of how your children should treat each other and their parents.

Now, should you find it impossible to speak respectfully to your ex, Christina McGhee–divorce coach and author of Parenting Apart: How Separated and Divorced Parents Can Raise Happy and Secure Kids–recommends using one of a few highly rated mobile apps designed to help structure communication for co-parents (such as CoParenter and Truece). 

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions Members can find more information on divorce and co-parenting as well as additional mobile apps in the Battle-Tested Blueprint: Divorce & Parenting Apart.

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Tip #4: Don’t Play Favorites

It’s been three months and your step-daughter still refuses to give you the time of day. You want her to like you so badly that you’d do just about anything to make her happy. That includes letting her stay up late on a school night.

Before this new union, your children have always had a strict 8 PM bedtime with little to no issues. But it seems each night your step-daughter stays over, she protests. You know you shouldn’t give in to her demands, but being a step-parent is so much harder than you ever imagined, so you cave and let her stay up a little later. Could it be worth upsetting your other children if it means getting her to like you?

We know as parents it is not our job for our children to like us…but it definitely doesn’t hurt when they do. Throw a step-child into the mix? Things get so much more complicated.

When changing up the family structure, it can be very easy to show favoritism toward certain children (intentional or not). Whether it’s giving your bonus child special privileges to get them to like you, or placing your biological children on a higher pedestal than the others, playing favorites is never a good idea.

Especially during those early days of blending families, it’s very easy for children to develop an us versus them mentality. Don’t give them any more fuel by playing into the idea that some children are more highly favored than others.

Tip #5: Limit Your Involvement in Sibling Squabbles

Your children will not always get along.

I know, shocking right? 

The thing is, many parents often forget that the same rule applies for step-siblings. Siblings fight!

The important thing for a parent isn’t necessarily figuring out how to prevent every disagreement they may have–who would have the time?–but rather knowing when to get involved in their arguments…and when to stay out.

Limit your involvement in sibling squabbles.

And how can you do that?

First things first–prepare! Make sure every child knows your expectations for how to handle arguments. (Helpful Hint: This is a great thing to cover in a Family Meeting). 

Conflict resolution skills are something every person on earth needs to have, and there is no better time to learn how to handle conflict than with a sibling. So give your kids the opportunity to fine-tune those skills and learn to work through their problems together.

Pro Tip: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, review Step 5 for more on how to EFFECTIVELY stay out of sibling squabbles and how to turn sibling enemies into besties.

Of course, you should know when to give helpful adult intervention. Obviously, if the fight turns physical you would want to get involved. The most important thing to remember is that all of your children are siblings. So allow them to behave as just that–siblings!

stay out of fights quote

Final Thoughts

Like traditional families, blended families are faced with a myriad of challenges when it comes to parenting. But that doesn’t mean they cannot be happy, successful, and thriving when given the proper tools to do so.

Here at Positive Parenting Solutions, we want to support families of all styles and we want you to succeed. We offer positive parenting strategies for the exhausted parent, the frustrated parent, the step-parent, co-parent, and more! 

Whether you are having a hard time adjusting to life with new children, wanting to know more about how to parent positively, or are simply at a loss on how to continue forward with your kids–let us offer a helping hand.

I’d be honored if you joined me for a FREE ONLINE PARENTING CLASS, where I’ll show you how to get all of your kids to listen without nagging, reminding, or yelling. 

From our family to yours, we wish you the very best of luck with this new parenting adventure!

From Potty Talk to Swearing: 10 Tips to Curb Foul Language

Young boy covering his mouthYoung boy covering his mouth

Young boy covering his mouth

OH, FUDGE!

You know how it goes… 

Your three-year-old just called you a “butt face” because you refused to give him an extra fruit snack. 

Your middle schooler muttered something a little more colorful (and offensive) as she begrudgingly took out the trash this morning.

Your teenager shouted his favorite four-letter expletive when his team lost last night’s game.

Whatever the scenario, one thing is clear: any time you hear your sweet child utter some not-so-sweet language, you cringe. 

“How did we get here?” you think.

Was it the time you laughed when your toddler first learned how funny potty language could be? Did they hear it at school? From friends? Around the house?

The truth is–just like button-pushing, power struggles, and backtalk–foul language and swearing is something all children experiment with from time to time. They try it out–just to see what kind of reaction they’ll get. 

I’ve spent years working with countless parents who’ve found themselves stuck in one parenthood dilemma or another. From yelling, to punishments, to misbehavior in general–you name it, I’ve seen it. Which is why I even offer a FREE PARENTING WEBINAR to any parent who finds themselves in the trenches looking for a better, more positive way out.

And when it comes to potty language and swearing? I’ve got you covered there, too. 

Follow these 10 tips to curb cursing and potty talk in your house…

Tip #1: Watch Your Own Language

You are your child’s first role model. 

Let that sink in for a moment. 

We say it all the time…that kids learn more from our actions than our words. And this is one of those situations in which they learn a LOT from both…how we ACT when we’re excited, frustrated, angry, hurt, you name it–and the WORDS we use to punctuate those moments.  

And let’s be honest, sometimes a swear word just fits the bill for those big emotions we’re feeling. 

In fact, studies show that swearing can actually produce a therapeutic or cathartic effect. And while it can be temporarily satisfying for us, we all know it doesn’t set the best example for our kids!

So, in an effort to be the best role model for our kids, we must be careful to present OUR best self to our kids and, of course, that means curtailing our cursing!

Curious as to how this can be done?

Find a Curse Word Alternative

To jump-start the process, decide on a G-rated replacement word or phrase to use during those stressful moments when every fiber of your being wants to swear. It will take some practice but within a few days or a week, those curse-bombs will appear less often and more positive language will start to pop up in front of your kids. 

Not only should we cut back on the swearing, but we should also be mindful of how we speak to others throughout the day and the week. Try this…

Speak With A Smile

Let’s do an experiment, shall we? It may sound simple but it’s powerful.

For one week, aim to say whatever you have to say…with a smile on your face. (Even if it’s a little fake!) 

Sounds simple, right? But I can assure you, this is so powerful! When we speak with a smile on our face we naturally communicate more positively. Not only will we find ourselves being more encouraging to others, but we’ll be less likely to respond from the gut with a curse word or an unpleasantry!

Remember, our kids are always listening (even when they don’t appear to be). So it’s important to speak respectfully to them, our parenting partner, our family, and our friends. Be a model for appropriate language. 

Oh, and beware of this … the dreaded double standard. You know the one, “I’m an adult and I’m allowed to use adult language.”  Our kids are keenly sensitive to double standards. If it’s okay for us to swear, they don’t understand why it isn’t okay for them. 

Tip #2: Use the Right Terminology for Body Parts

There is a reason why the word “butthead” is enough to send your toddler (and maybe even your older children) into a fit of laughter. It’s exciting for them!

And should you tell them not to say it? Well, nothing piques a child’s interest in a word more than being told they can’t say it. 

Although we can’t control what words they hear at school, we can control the power those words have. This can be done by minimizing our kids’ exposure to them and by taking away the excitement–that wow-factor–by simply using the correct terminology when referring to body parts. 

Want an added benefit? Teaching them the appropriate names for body parts and using them conversationally is a wonderful way to aid in the prevention of sexual abuse.

Pro Tip: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, review the advanced training module “How to Talk to Modern Kids About Sexuality” for more helpful information.

Foul Language QuoteTip #3: Make This a Learning Opportunity

As much as we would like to raise children who never say anything negative–nevermind curse or use potty language–that just isn’t realistic. Our kids will experiment with bad words at one time or another.

Parents often ask me what are some effective and “related” consequences for swearing. Since you can’t really take away your child’s ability to use bad language, this can be rather tricky to do. 

However, you can make this a learning opportunity!

Educational Psychologist and author, Michele Borba, Ed.. suggests requiring the offender to look up a new, more appropriate word in the dictionary to replace the offensive one. They can then be asked to use that new word throughout the day in conversation or write it on an index card and teach it to the rest of the family.

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Tip #4: Don’t Overreact! 

Did you laugh hysterically when your barely-verbal two-year-old called the dog a “poopie head?” Where did he even hear that? 

And, did you blow up in epic proportion when your teen dropped his third F-bomb that morning? How could he be so disrespectful after all you do for him?

I get it. It can be so hard to keep your cool when your child decides to drop a curse word. Your “practically involuntary” responses in these situations are perfectly understandable. 

But really try to remain calm.

Unfortunately, whether our kids are toddlers, tweens, or teens, the truth is an overreaction–of any sort–creates a payoff for the behavior. Our response will likely be seen as a big win for our children, causing them to want to say it again, and again, and again…

Think about it … our kids have learned from experience that potty talk or cursing is a trigger for us. They’ve seen it push our buttons time and time again. 

So when our kids let the foul language rip, more likely than not, they’re using it as an invitation to engage us in a power struggle. They say a bad word, we react and lose our cool–reinforcing that behavior and just about guaranteeing they’ll use that language again.

It’s a vicious cycle and oh so maddening for parents. So what can we do?

Remove our reaction.

This. Is. Hard.

BUT with a little advanced preparation on our part (like with Tip #7 below!), we can actually completely remove that power payoff, simply by keeping a level head. Do this enough times and we’ll begin to hear less cursing, potty talk, and bad language coming from our child’s mouth.

Tip #5: Emphasize Family Values

I am a firm believer that every family should adhere to a set of clear and concise values and refer back to them whenever conflict arises. These can cover anything from how each member of the family is expected to partake in family contributions around the house to what language is and is not allowed.

Is your daughter’s best friend’s cousin allowed to drop an F-bomb whenever she feels like it? Be clear and concise with your child about what kind of language is and is not allowed by setting clear expectations

Explain it to her simply. “I understand that you hear other kids use that word, but in this family that kind of language is not allowed.”

Sure, we may get a few eye rolls, some grumbling, maybe even a bit of sass, but emphasizing our family’s values (and modeling them for our kids) will ensure our children know exactly what is and is not expected of them when it comes to bad language.

Pro Tip: Family meetings are a great place to set and go over your family values! For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, review Step 6 of the 7-Step Parenting Success System® course to learn how you can use family meetings to connect, problem solve, and have FUN!

Tip #6: Understand the Situational Context

Sometimes, as parents, we can jump to conclusions while only getting a small glimpse of the whole picture.

Does your teen swear on a regular basis, or just when he is around his friends? Is stress a factor? How about anger?

For older kids who swear, it’s important to try and understand where it’s coming from. Once we determine the root of the problem, then we can dive in for a solution.

For example, if their swearing stems from anger, validate his feelings while also suggesting others ways he can communicate his feelings more respectfully.

“I can tell you’re really angry about this. I would love to talk to you about it when you’ve calmed down and we can have a respectful conversation.” 

And just know, our child’s swearing is not always a reflection of our parenting.

It can be so easy to take what they say personally, wondering just where we went wrong or how we influenced this type of behavior. But sometimes, it simply isn’t about us.

Dig a little deeper to try and get to the root of the problem. And know that you’re doing a great job.

Tip #7: Decide What YOU Will Do

You’ve tried time-outs, taking away privileges, and an endless list of consequences, but still your son refuses to stop with the potty language. 

Now here you are, trying your best to resist your well-meaning grandmother’s “bar of soap” recommendation. Still, you have to admit, you have no idea what to do next. 

The truth is, we can’t make our child actually stop using potty talk or swearing. After all, he is in control of his mouth and his voice. Short of duct-taping his mouth closed, we can’t control what comes out of it. (By the way, we do NOT advocate duct-taping!) 

So what can be done?

Take action!

Now’s the time to decide what YOU will do whenever you hear any offensive language.

One possible solution? Know when to walk away.

Let your child know that when you hear him using disrespectful language, you will turn around and walk away without saying a word. Let him know you love him too much to argue with him and you certainly wouldn’t want to say anything that you would regret later. (This models personal responsibility, by the way.)

This is NOT about letting him get away with cursing, it simply removes the “payoff” for the behavior and shows him that you deserve to be treated with respect. Don’t tolerate anything less.

In short, as parents, our actions speak much louder than our ongoing lectures.

Our actions speak louder than our ongoing lectures

Tip #8: Monitor Screen Time, Music, and Internet Use

One minute you’re happily jamming to the radio as you drive your twelve-year-old daughter to school, then the next you’re in shock, jaw on the floor as you hear her drop each lyric–curses and all–as if she were Nicki Minaj herself.

This is such a hard reality for so many parents to face, especially at this age when their children are starting to make the transition from childhood to the teenage years

Call it a harsh reality of the times, but our children are exposed to so much more than we ever were at their age. Whether it’s the lippy sass from their favorite sitcom character, the M-rating on the hottest video game on the market, or the slew of nasty comments littered across social media–there’s simply no getting around their exposure to harsh language. 

The key is to manage it!

If you’re not comfortable with the language or values being thrown at your child, it’s time to have a candid conversation with your kids. Monitor their screen time, listen to their music, and keep an eye on their internet usage. 

Now, you may be thinking, “Amy, I am already so busy. How on earth am I supposed to monitor my child’s technology on top of everything else I have to do?” 

Believe me, I understand just how impossible this may seem. But I promise you, a solution is right at your fingertips! Give my FREE PARENTING WEBINAR a try. There I’ll show you a step-by-step process for consequences you can use to monitor your child’s use of technology.

There is no need to fear the world your child is becoming more and more a part of–it will exist no matter what. But you can always be proactive in how you manage it in your own household.

Pro Tip: Worried about your child’s backlash when monitoring their screen time? Positive Parenting Solutions Members can review the “Family Technology Survival Plan” advanced training and learn how to implement technology boundaries you all feel good about–while having a solid plan for any whining, complaining or negotiating that may arise! 

Tip #9: Encourage Good Language Choices

As with anything, when you see your child making good choices, encourage them!

Did your toddler use an appropriate term for one of his body parts? 

Encourage him by saying, “Thank you for using appropriate language when talking about your body. You are really growing up!” 

Did your teenage daughter stop herself just short of cursing at her little brother to get out of her room?  

Let her know, “I see how hard you’re working at editing your language and want you to know how much I appreciate the effort.”

Encourage your children because they are making progress in the right direction. And every step–no matter how small–matters!

Tip #10: Give Legitimate Power and Control

When cursing is intentional, it’s usually a power play. Our children know it will trigger us into giving them attention. When that’s the case, the best thing we can do is find a way to give them legitimate power and age-appropriate control. 

So how can we do this? Give them a healthy dose of control over certain areas of their life. That could be picking out clothes, choosing what to have for breakfast, or picking out their favorite book to read before bed. 

For older kids, you can try giving them a little more control over how they structure their day. Would they rather do homework before dinner or after? Would they like a ride to school or to take their bike?

A child who has sufficient positive attention and opportunities to exercise power in positive ways doesn’t have to use foul language to turn our head. 

Pro Tip: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, review Steps 3 and 4 of the 7-Step Parenting Success System® course for plenty of ideas on how to empower your children without breeding entitlement. 

Final Thoughts

Children use potty language and swearing for a variety of reasons, and for most parents, it can be incredibly frustrating! 

If you’re currently wading through the filth, trying to figure out how to clean up your child’s language, just know that you are not alone and help is out there. 

If the swearing and foul language are becoming more frequent and increasingly offensive, it’s probably not about the “swearing.” Most likely, your child is using bad language as a potent tool to engage in a power struggle or even as a vehicle for revenge. At this point, it’s time to dig deeper and determine what’s really behind the behavior.

Feel free to join me for a FREE CLASS to see if the 7-Step Parenting Success System® course is right for you. We’d love to help you through every parenting trial you face, and celebrate with you during every success!

7 Ways to Promote Good Study Habits

Tween boy doing homework at kitchen tableTween boy doing homework at kitchen table

Tween boy doing homework at kitchen table

During our school days of yore, many of us were late-night crammers and school-project procrastinators. We chose to play outside with friends rather than finish our math homework. We dreaded huge papers and intimidating tests.

Now that we’re older and wiser–and understand the long-term payoff of homework and studying–we want our kids to have a different attitude towards schoolwork. We want them to make smart, motivated choices (see our Ultimate Guide to Motivating Your Kids!).

We want them to LOVE studying.

Okay, maybe that’s a parent’s pipe-dream. But wouldn’t it be wonderful?

Considering that most kids aren’t going to fall head-over-heels for homework and studying anytime soon, what is–realistically–the best thing that we can do to help them?

Doing well in school, no matter the grade, takes a good set of habits. It also takes diligence and determination. Learning these skills might even assist them in all of life’s responsibilities and challenges.

If we want our children to be self-motivated for success, instilling the following 7 study habits is a great place to start.

1. Remove Distractions

I’ll bet this sounds familiar.

“Alex, please just focus on your homework for 10 minutes!” 

“Riley, If you stopped goofing off, you’d already be finished with your reading assignment!”

We know that one of the biggest problems with homework isn’t our kid’s inability to do the work. It’s the avoidance. While there can be multiple reasons for this avoidance, we can combat it by removing distractions. 

It may be an obvious solution, but in our technologically-inundated households it’s becoming increasingly harder to remove diversions like cell phones, iPads, and TV. The more we do so during study hours, however, the more our students can truly concentrate on the tasks at hand.

Also, if we’re in the habit of playing background music while our students study, we should make sure to ask if it is helping or distracting them. Sometimes it can be quite helpful (like for some kids with ADHD), but other times, even soothing music disrupts a child’s concentration. 

Fewer distractions simply equates to higher quality work–and less time spent doing it!

2. Make Homework Less of a “Chore”

The most common reason for homework avoidance is that it feels too much like a chore. It’s understandably the last thing kids want to do after a long day of school. They just want to relax or play. Yet, the homework still needs to get done.

Whenever possible, instill the idea that homework can actually be fun. Or, at the very least, that it can be interesting. 

I know–you’re wondering how you could ever make thirty algebra equations even remotely intriguing or fun. Especially when kids ask, “When will I ever use this in the real world? This is useless.”

To give them a dose of practicality, consider associating school lessons with family activities. Maybe your second grader is reading about food groups for a book report. While she studies each food group, she can help plan that night’s dinner menu. Later, while serving the family an eclectic dinner representing the food groups–and their rainbow of colors–she can proudly explain what she’s learned.

If your junior high student is dreading his science project but really loves Star Wars, help him brainstorm project themes that play to this interest–like the concept of traveling at light speed–that he can embellish with his favorite Star Wars characters and stories. 

And back to those algebra equations. 

Lots of interesting, real life-examples can come into play through math (like How Can You Win Every Prize at Chuck E. Cheese’s?), so try to encourage some imagination when your kids are just staring at numbers.

It may take extra time on our part to be creative (and we’re all short on time, I know), but we’ll bank time later when they’re interested enough to cooperate and start imagining on their own. 

Not everything in life is fun, of course, and kids need to understand this. Sometimes, things just need to be done –homework included. But learning should be much more enjoyable than washing dishes and taking out the trash. And the more fun kids have with it, the more addictive it will be. 

3. Encourage Independent, Self-Learning

It seems like a cruel joke–you’ve been chauffeuring your son to school and extracurricular activities all day when you get home and realize that his Solar System project is due tomorrow!

You enlist your son’s help for about half an hour before; A) he sees your exponential effort and lets you do the work; B) he gets bored; or C) he just needs to go to bed. And, alas, you’re the one up until 11 PM finishing HIS project because you love him and want him to get a good grade.

Many of us are stuck in the habit of helping our kids–sometimes to the point of exhaustion–with their schoolwork. After all, we care.

The honest, simple fact is that kids need to do their own work. They need to see how taking time to understand and accomplish something can pay off. They need to feel empowered by the fact that getting a good grade on their Solar System project came from their own effort–not from the help of (or nagging from) their parents. Sure, we can help guide, inspire, review work, and teach our kids overall homework management, but they need to put in the most effort. End of story.

Or maybe the homework hassle at your house has escalated from mere helplessness to an all-out power struggle? Raise your hand if you (like me) have found yourself in an emotional, frustrating, angst-filled battle of wills at the kitchen table. 

Even kindergarteners can be encouraged to do their homework as single-handedly as possible. As soon as they can read their own instructions, they have all the information they need to complete the task. Plus, the younger they learn, the easier managing their increasing workload will be.

Please Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, please review our battle-tested blueprint, Help With Homework Hassles for more strategies to take the stress out of homework time.

Ultimate Guide for Motivating Kids

4. Use a When-Then Routine

Things run smoothly when homework becomes a part of the daily schedule. Structuring the routine into a “When-Then” format allows homework to be completed before the distractions come back into the picture and your child pursues other activities. 

You can present the schedule as When you’ve finished your homework, then you can use the phone.” or When you’ve practiced your spelling words, then you can play outside.” 

Give your child some input into the daily “then” activity, and solidify it by sticking to the routine every day.

Routines are powerful because they let kids know what to expect. They aren’t surprised by suddenly being told it’s time for homework when they’re in the middle of an Iron Man vs. Barbie battle or an online video game with friends.

Using a When-Then Routine also helps homework feel less like a chore. It’s not an extra, unpleasant activity–it’s just a normal part of the daily checklist. It also involves a lot less nagging, because the When-Then Routine becomes the boss and the reminder–not us. 

5. Instill Time Management

Having a studying routine is also a great way to learn time management–a crucial, life-long skill. Young kids encouraged to carve out time for homework in daily routines are more likely to continue doing so in high school and college. 

Setting timers can help kids dedicate a concrete amount of time to their work. Visual timers like the Time Timer are helpful for kids that struggle to focus and/or misunderstand the flow of time. They also help kids manage transitions. 

Time Timer

The Time Timer

Additionally, if our kids are wiggly, antsy, and unwilling to concentrate during scheduled study time, consider built-in breaks. These can be especially helpful for kids with ADHD. 

Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions members, check out the battle-tested blueprint, Homework Skills for Kids with ADHD/EFD. You’ll learn life-changing homework strategies for kids with learning differences and without.

Your child might also benefit from an after-school snack or a quick break with a Dog Man comic book before starting homework. Although it’s easier to use the When-Then tool before they begin the more enjoyable parts of their day, some kids simply need to take breaks to maximize focus. We can try out different timing with each of our kids to see what works best. 

If you feel like your kids are being assigned an unmanageable amount of homework, don’t be afraid to discuss this with their teachers. Many parents request to opt-out of homework because they don’t feel it’s benefiting their child. The point of homework and studying should be to supplement school work and teach good study habits, but if it’s too much of a burden, it can produce resentment and anxiety

Monitoring a healthy, routine timeline for homework in our children’s after-school schedules will protect their relationship with learning, reinforce time-management, and decrease procrastination. 

6. Help Kids Embrace Failure & Be Constructive

When kids do their own homework and study independently, they are bound to make more mistakes, fail some tests, and even get some bad grades: all of which can be difficult for us to allow and see. 

Embracing–even encouraging–failure is becoming harder in our society. We’re focused on the competition and coming in on top. However, letting our children make mistakes and turn wrong answers into learning opportunities is an invaluable, life-long skill.

Let our children make mistakes quote

Reviewing our children’s homework with them is a great way to acknowledge their hard work while keeping an eye out for any difficulties they’re having. If we choose to do this, we need to be sure to keep the focus on the effort put into the work, not just the mistakes they may have made. We need to encourage their progress. 

If your child doesn’t want you to review her homework, that’s perfectly fine. She will receive feedback from the teacher on the assignment which will be highly instructive. In fact, most kids will remember the incorrect answers better than the answers they got right. 

Even basic tasks like failing to put their names on their homework or forgetting to bring their homework to school are great learning opportunities. If they don’t get credit for the work they forgot, they likely won’t make the same mistake twice. And the less we’re involved, the more they’ll notice all these necessary steps (plus, they can’t lay the blame on us)!

7. Avoid Rewards

Offering rewards is a common and tempting way to help homework-resistant kids get their work done.

The problem with this tactic, however, is that it focuses on short-term motivation. 

Promising our third grader a handful of Oreo cookies if he completes his book report isn’t motivating him to be interested in the subject he’s reading. His thoughts are only of the sugary end result. Similarly, if we pay our high-school students for their good grades, they are only motivated by money. Whatever they need to learn or complete to earn that money isn’t valued. 

And beyond the enjoyment of learning, the critical, crowning achievement of their completed homework and good grades–hard work–is either disregarded or overlooked.

If we want self-motivated learners, they need to accept–and respect–the process of work itself. They need to feel empowered by their effort. Alternatively, kids rewarded for accomplishments can grow up with an attitude of entitlement. They may be less likely to pour in the hard work, sweat, and tears that are required.

Whenever we feel the urge to promise a reward in exchange for studying, we can opt for the When-Then Routine instead. When they complete a task, then they can do something else. 

A When-Then Routine isn’t a reward, because the “Then” is not something special or out of the ordinary. It’s not a bribe. The “Then” of a When-Then routine is a regularly occurring event–such as leaving for soccer practice. We are simply controlling the order in which that event can be enjoyed. 

Parents worldwide hail the Positive Parenting Solutions When-Then Routine as a life-saver because it motivates kids to get the “yucky” stuff done without expectation and entitlement

When Homework Isn’t Challenging

There are a lot of intelligent kids out there who are simply underwhelmed by schoolwork. It’s too easy, boring, and uninspiring. They may do well on their tests without having to study, but they hate doing homework. 

Again, don’t be afraid to discuss your child’s workload–or work difficulty–with her teacher. Children enjoy a challenge because of the good feeling that results from figuring something out. 

We want kids to be inspired by learning–and certainly never bored. As an equal partner in your child’s education, don’t be afraid to ask the teacher for more challenging activities for your student to work on at home. Or, you can find loads of websites with engaging at-home learning activities.

Kids with ADHD (and Other Learning Differences)

Kids with learning differences like ADHD and dyslexia can greatly benefit from the same habits we’ve already discussed: this includes routines, timers, and study breaks. 

The main thing to remember is while we all need to tailor study to our kids’ individual personalities and needs, kids with learning differences may need additional outside-of-the-box ideas. There are many excellent online ideas and resources for keeping kids with learning differences engaged, like these helpful planners for time management.

Daily academic planner from Order Out of Chaos

Please Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, please review: Homework Skills for ADHD/EFD Kids.

Final Thoughts

The strategies in this article are designed to improve your kids’ study habits, but even the best ideas can’t guarantee they will love doing their homework. When the whining starts, we can empathize so they know we’re on their team: “I get it! It’s no fun to stay inside doing homework on such a nice day!” 

If the whining won’t let up, just tune it out. Ignore the fussing and complaining about homework. Complaints will happen, and responding to them will only encourage our kids to keep them coming. Instead, fostering their internal motivation by connecting effort to results helps our children tackle homework and studying more positively.

It’s a simple approach that might, just might…trigger a lifetime love of learning.

Want kids that are self-starters? I assure you, it’s possible! Check out our Ultimate Guide to Motivating Your Kids.