parenting

Crash! 

You wince as the sound of glass smashing onto the hardwood floor echoes from the living room. Quickly, you run into the room, pretty sure you know what scene you’re about to come across.

Just as you suspected, there lies your favorite crystal vase, shattered to pieces amidst a sea of wilting flowers. Your children stare at you from their spot on the ground, arms entangled, waiting for your reaction.

You open your mouth but don’t know what to say. A million things come to mind…

Look at what you did! 

How many times have I told you not to roughhouse? 

Why don’t you ever listen?

You need to play nicely!

Instead, you hold back and take a deep breath. Sure, controlling your temper is proving to be rather challenging–after all, you must have asked them not to roughhouse at least fifty times (this week!). But as the saying goes, this isn’t your first rodeo. And if there’s one thing you’ve learned time and time again, it’s this: yelling won’t help.

But what can you do?

First off, friend, let me assure you, I know exactly how you feel.

You’ve given everything you have to be the best parent you can be. You’ve taken the classes, read the parenting books, and listened to all the experts.

Yet, when you find your children roughhousing (again), you feel a little hopeless. Isn’t there something you can do to make it stop?

But let’s pause for a moment. 

Now, I know from the outside looking in, roughhousing appears, well–ROUGH! It seems so brutal and violent. Not to mention heart-stopping (I mean, really. Do they want to go to the hospital?). We can’t possibly let our children act that way…right?

Believe it or not, the answer is yes. We can let them act that way!

Because the truth is, roughhousing–when done right–is NOT a bad thing. It actually has some fantastic benefits!

Let me explain…

The Science of Roughhousing

Roughhousing–or as some call it, “Rough and Tumble Play”–looks a bit sketchy on the outside (especially to us moms–yikes!). But science tells us there are numerous benefits to this type of play.

In fact, in their book The Art of Roughhousing: Good Old-Fashioned Horseplay and Why Every Kid Needs It, Drs. Anthony DeBenedet and Lawrence Cohen suggest that roughhousing has both intellectual AND connective benefits. 

You see, when our kids are roughhousing, their brains release a chemical known as a brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF). You can think of this as a type of fertilizer that stimulates brain growth. 

How neat is that?!

Each time they start horsing around playfully, their brains are treated to a healthy boost of stimulation that will not only lead to stronger intellectual and social development but will help them learn to regulate their emotional responses as well.

This type of rough play between kids or with parents is also an excellent way to build connections with others. When done the right way–with both parties having a good time playing–the brain releases a significant dose of oxytocin. 

You know oxytocin–the hormone that gives you all those warm, loving feelings? It’s the same thing that’s released when we share a hug or snuggle our kiddos.

Seeing your kids playing so wildly may give your heart quite the fright, and the thought of joining in? Forget about it! But you can rest assured knowing there are a lot of benefits resting just below the surface. 

Here’s the thing…it’s not your job to stop the rough and tumble play. But it is your job to teach your children to partake in the right way.

Follow these tips to make sure your kids’ roughhousing stays playful, fun, and harmless!

Tips for Roughhousing the Right Way 

Tip #1: Know the Difference Between Play Fighting and Real Fighting

You’re standing at the kitchen sink, multitasking as usual. As your hands wash the dishes, your eyes keep darting out the window, checking on your kids playing in the backyard. 

Your oldest is jumping on the trampoline with his little brother, and the two are getting along well. You look down to grab another dish only to glance up a few seconds later to find things have changed…drastically.

Suddenly, the two boys are no longer happily bouncing up and down. Instead, they’re rolling across the trampoline, arms entangled, legs thrashing. Your oldest puts his brother in a headlock and messes up his hair, but the little guy soon wiggles free and jumps on his brother’s back. 

Naturally panicked, you run outside to put a stop to the fighting. However, upon closer inspection, you notice things look a little different. Are the boys actually…laughing?

From afar, it’s easy to understand how play fighting can be mistaken for real fighting. After all, it’s still technically fighting.

But there are key differences between the two. And when you learn to recognize the signs, it’s much easier to accept roughhousing for what it is–another form of play!

When kids are play fighting, “attacks” are simulated and “held back.” By that, I simply mean they’re pretend. It looked like your oldest had his brother in a severe headlock, but up close, his grip was actually loose enough to let him easily slip out.

When fighting for play, punches are softened, tackles are less aggressive, and attitudes are usually pretty cheerful. And afterward, there are no hard feelings.  

When kids fight for real, however, all the rules go out the window.

Happy shrieks are traded for angry cries. The intention of fun is replaced with a desire to harm. And when the fight is over, anger remains. 

As a parent, you know your children better than anyone. And I’d be willing to bet you have a pretty good understanding of when they’re fighting for play versus when they’ve entered a full-on knock-down-drag-out match.

So keep an eye out, and listen to your gut. By knowing and watching for the difference between the two types of play, you’re setting yourself (and your kids) up for understanding the key to successful and safe roughhousing.

Tip #2: Establish Ground Rules

“Last one in the house is a rotten egg!” 

Your 7-year-old daughter takes off in a sprint, racing her older sister toward the house. They’ve been playing outside all morning and are more than ready to eat when you call them in for dinner. 

However, just as she’s about to reach the front steps, her sister catches up and latches onto her shirt. They push and pull, and the younger girl is clearly trying to get away when…RIIIIIP!

“Hey, you ruined my shirt!” 

Your youngest is red in the face as she gives her sister a firm shove to the ground. On come the waterworks.

And you just know what you’ve been worried about all this time has suddenly come true. Someone has gotten hurt.

Now I know your first instinct may be to ban them from ever horsing around again. But try and hold off. Because, like it or not, trying to force your will is nothing but a recipe for power struggles.

Instead, try establishing some ground rules.

In a calm moment, perhaps during a family meeting or somewhere else away from the chaos, make it a priority to create your family’s own ground rules for roughhousing. 

These can be anything you see fit, though certain rules are probably a given. For instance:

• Consent is the number one priority! Any participation in roughhousing should be agreed upon by all involved. AND the moment one party no longer wants to play, the roughhousing should end. 
• Be nice! Just because the play is rough does not mean it can’t be nice. That means no hitting, kicking, biting, etc., that is rough enough to cause physical harm. 
• Pick a safe space. Roughhousing right next to mom’s favorite vase is probably not the best idea. Out in the yard or downstairs on a playmat? Much better! 

Once you have your rules finalized, the next step is to utilize this fantastic tool from our toolbox–Take Time for Training.

Rules are hard, and they take time to learn–especially for kids. So make sure you aren’t setting your expectations too high right out of the gate. 

Will they forget one of the rules? Probably. But that’s why we take time to train them. Eventually, the knowledge will seep in, and they’ll catch on.

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions® Members, review Step 2 Lesson 14 for more information on Take Time for Training and how it can help your child feel more capable and independent.

Tip #3: Make it About Connection

Imagine, if you will…

You’ve completed The 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training program, and of all the tools in the toolbox, MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® activities (MBST) are your absolute favorite! Those 10-15 minutes you spend each day with your son one-on-one are the best 10-15 minutes of the entire day.

It’s your husband’s favorite tool, as well. But his MBST with your son looks a little different from yours. And, sometimes, that has you worried.

Because, while the two of you enjoy reading comic books, building LEGO sets, and drawing pictures, he and your husband have a different daily ritual.

They fight. Well, play fight, that is.

Every day, the moment your son steps foot off the school bus, you know what’s about to go down. Or should I say, throw down? 

Right there on the front lawn, for all the world to see, they wrestle. They shove. They fight.

But you know what else they do? Bond!

Believe it or not, roughhousing paves the way to building a deeper connection with your child. (It works great for siblings to connect, as well!)

To make it simple, set your mind right by entering into the Child Ego State, where emotional connections are made. No longer are you the parent whose job is to maintain rules and keep order. You’re there to have fun! 

And when you’re having fun with your child, you’re not only meeting their hard-wired need for attention–you’re building memories that last a lifetime! 

As a bonus, enjoying a deep level of connection not only makes you a happier, less stressed parent; it also cuts down on the amount of misbehavior you see coming from your child. 

What a win!

Tip #4: Keep it Playful

For kids, more than anything else, roughhousing is downright fun! 

They enjoy the movement, the laughter, and the connection it brings, which explains why you may be finding it next to impossible to put a stop to in your household. 

Just remember, stopping the roughhousing isn’t the goal. Maintaining that playfulness, however, absolutely is. Because, unfortunately, the jump from playful to aggressive isn’t a very long one. 

I’m sure you’ve been there, watching your children wrestling on the playroom floor. One second they’re all laughing and giggles; the next, they’re screaming and crying because one child pushed the other a little too hard.

Your instinct may be to put a stop to it that very instant. And, if safety is a concern, you absolutely should. But I’d challenge you to play a little more offense if you can and go in with the mindset of preventing a downward spiral altogether.

And the best way to do so is to take an active role in keeping it playful.

Try some encouragement!

“Look at how much fun you two are having!” 

“Wow! You have so much energy! It’s great to see you playing so nicely.”

Of course, if you’re roughhousing alongside them, you have a fantastic opportunity to model good behavior. Keep smiling, laughing, and mentioning how much fun you’re having. Also, pay close attention to ensure you never let your size and strength become intimidating or scary. 

The truth of the matter is, if you’re in a playful mindset, your kids will most likely follow. Which is a fantastic way to ensure this fun pastime stays precisely that–FUN!

Tip #5: Know When to (Calmly) Rein It In

It’s so easy, especially in the heat of the moment, for things to take a turn for the worse. Feelings get hurt, tempers flare, and everything else seems to disintegrate very quickly. 

Fortunately, there are a few clues you can look for that are pretty good indicators things are about to head south.

Are the smiles and giggles becoming fewer and further between? Are the shoves getting harder? Is the room feeling less fun?

What about body language? 

Look for scowls, furrowed brows, even a lack of eye contact. When the atmosphere in the room turns from fun-filled to on-edge, that’s a sure sign that trouble is brewing.

One of the most beautiful things about roughhousing is that it allows children to strengthen their awareness of their bodies as well as learn to respect the boundaries of others. Of course, when boundaries are crossed and the joy begins to leave the playtime, be aware, and prepare to rein it in.

Should you see any of the warning signs, politely shut it down before anything serious happens. It’s up to you to know your kids and their limits.

In a calm voice, say, “Hey kids, I can see you aren’t having as much fun as you were before. Let’s take a break for a while and go have a snack.” 

Or perhaps you simply have something else coming up that will require the rough play to end. You can get ahead of the curve (and avoid unnecessary power struggles) by calmly preparing your children to stop with the roughhousing. 

You can do this by laying out your expectations in advance. This will avoid blindsiding them and prepare them to settle down without feeling as though they are being nagged.

Perhaps try, “Alright, we are running out of time before we have to go eat dinner. Let’s play for one more minute, and then we can have dinner. You must be so hungry!”

There’s a reason why Calm Voice is one of the top Positive Parenting Solutions® tools in the toolbox–it works! And when it comes to roughhousing, staying calm (even when everything inside you is trying to freak out) will always prove to be beneficial in the long run.

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions® Members, review Step 2 Lesson 13: The Power of Calm for tips to help you remember how to use your Calm Voice.

But here’s what not to do: jump in too soon, if you can possibly help it. Not only do you want to give them a chance to figure out for themselves when to make an exit or call a playful truce, but you also don’t want to get in the habit of helicoptering their interactions.

Final Thoughts

As hard as it may be, now is the time to put away those preconceived notions you may have of roughhousing. We now have so much evidence that tells us, when done correctly, rough play can be a significant asset to our children and to us as well!

It’s physically and emotionally stimulating, and connective beyond measure. Of course, as with anything our children do, precautions must be taken. 

But you can rest assured, as your children mutually wrestle out in the yard or jump on your partner the moment he walks in the door, what may seem like a risky form of play is nothing to worry about. 

In fact, it’s absolutely normal. 

Have fun playing!

“Mom, I’m so bored,” your eight-year-old whines from across the room.

You fight back the urge to whine right back as your eyes roll to the back of your head. You’ve hit your wall. The jig is up. Your mind is blank. There’s absolutely nothing left in your arsenal of ideas. 

You’ve played board games, gone on walks, read books, but it’s never enough. The boredom continues.

And the worst part? Despite being home all day, you’ve never felt busier. The last thing you want to do is figure out a way to keep your daughter entertained.

Oh, sweet friend, I know exactly where you are coming from. Stuck between wanting to make your child happy and trying to encourage her sense of independence. Fighting the guilt of not dropping everything to entertain her while juggling everything else on your list of to-dos. 

Believe me, this is a problem so common no parent is immune. Those two little words (I’m bored!) may drive you absolutely up a wall, but you can take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Countless parents–myself included–have dealt with our children’s boredom and lived to tell the tale.

Fortunately, for you, we’ve got plenty of resources to help you out. In fact, you can try out our FREE Parenting Class right now where you’ll learn the root cause of your child’s boredom!

So what exactly can you do when you hear those two dreaded words? Here are 5 helpful tips for parenting kids when boredom strikes. 

5 Tips to Bust the Boredom

Tip #1: Get to the Root of the Issue

You don’t need to be a parenting expert–or even a parent–to know when it comes to kids, big feelings are always bubbling beneath the surface.

Sure, your son may bust out an exclamation of boredom and it could be just that–he’s bored! He’s looking for something “fun” to do. To be entertained.

But sometimes, things go a little deeper…

Before you immediately assume your child is merely begging for something to do, consider this: There could be an underlying issue–outside of general boredom–that is causing him to identify as “bored.”

Is it…

A Need for Attention?

Like all kids, he has an innate desire to feel connected to his family through positive attention. It’s why he thrives when spending quality time with you and his siblings and why his behavior always seems to improve when he feels a sense of significance and belonging.

However, when his need for positive attention goes unmet, that’s when other issues start to take form. You may see this as tantrums in the younger years, or backtalk when he’s a bit older. 

And, of course, through complaints of boredom! 

So if you’ve had it up to your neck with the constant nagging about being bored, consider for a moment if there’s more to it. Has he had a healthy dose of your attention today?

If not, give MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® activities a try. All you need to do is spend 10-15 minutes, once or twice a day, doing something that he wants to do — one-on-one and distraction-free. 

Plus, to make it really sink in, give the time together a name so he has a tangible reminder of your togetherness time – “Wow, Sam, I really enjoyed our special time together. I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow!“

You won’t believe the difference this small shift in your time can make.

Pro Tip: MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® (MBST) activities are one of the most powerful tools in the Positive Parenting Solutions® Toolbox for raising respectful, capable, and independent kids. Members can review Step 1, Lesson 7 to learn how to easily fit this amazing tool into your already too-busy life.

A Need to Become More Self-Sufficient?

As parents, we are often met with a bittersweet mixture of sadness from the passing of each phase our children go through and excitement over what’s to come. It’s so nice when they can get themselves dressed in the morning but, oh, what we wouldn’t give to dress those cute little baby rolls once more. 

The thing is, at one point or another, kids grow up and become more self-sufficient. But sometimes we need to give them a little nudge in the right direction. Because teaching kids to be self-sufficient is absolutely critical!

So how does that relate to boredom? Think about it…

Is your child crying out because he wants you to entertain him OR does he lack the skills needed to come up with a few options on his own? If it’s the latter, this is where you need to pull out another wonderful Positive Parenting Solutions® tool—Take Time for Training!

Before he complains of boredom again, give him the tools to problem-solve himself.

“I’ve been noticing that you get bored sometimes, but I also know you’re capable of coming up with something fun to do all on your own. Why don’t you make a list of your favorite activities and then next time you’re bored, you’ll have a few great things to choose from?”

This may be met with resistance at first, but with some encouragement, you’ll start to see a significant shift in his ability to find his own means of amusement. Plus, he’ll stop expecting you to bail him out of his boredom.

A Lack of Rest?

Just like adults, kids often suffer from mental fatigue when they’ve failed to get the appropriate amount of rest for their age. 

When sleep is compromised and the brain begins to tire, naturally, things start falling apart. This can show up as anything from compromised immune systems to falling behind at school to, you guessed it, boredom!

When their minds are fatigued, it makes it really easy to lose interest in a given activity quickly. That could be why the game your son was playing for only five minutes quickly lost its appeal, diverting his short attention span elsewhere.

Making sure he has an adequate amount of rest won’t just help bust the boredom. You’ll see improvements in nearly every other area of his behavior as well.

A Lack of Age-Appropriate Options?

Sometimes what looks like boredom may actually be a lack of age-appropriate options.

Is your son complaining that he’s bored because his toys are designed for kids a few years younger than he is? Is your daughter trying to read books outside her grade level?

Oftentimes, kids lose interest not because they’re bored, but because they aren’t being challenged enough (or are too challenged). Ensuring your child has interesting, age-appropriate options is an easy way to keep their dissatisfaction at bay.

Tip #2: Limit Screen Time

You don’t like to admit it, but you’ve fallen into a trap. Don’t worry, you’re in good company. Most parents have.

You’ve made screen time your go-to source of entertainment.

Hey, I get it, truly. As adults, after a long and tiring work day, don’t we enjoy ending the night relaxing on the couch watching our favorite TV series? Aren’t movies one of the best date nights?

Like it or not, screens have become synonymous with entertainment. And while a little screen time is perfectly fine, it’s easy to let 30 minutes turn into an hour which turns into an afternoon. 

The slope is slippery, my friends. And although it may seem counter-productive, when it comes to busting boredom, too much screen time can actually cause more boredom.

Let me explain…

Let’s say your daughter gets screen time the moment she walks in the door from school. Some days it’s television, other days it’s video games, but the problem remains the same…she has become accustomed to being entertained–constantly and at the press of a button.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long before she is conditioned to expect amusement at the drop of a hat.

When kids are exposed to too much screen time, the instant gratification leaves little to the imagination. Without screens, kids are forced to think outside the box, using their own imaginations to fill their leisure time.

Instead, try encouraging your daughter to write a story, come up with a play she can put on for the family, or go on a nature hunt. Anything that gets her mind away from the screen and engaged in the real world is going to do wonders.

Pretty soon, her complaints of boredom will become fewer and farther between.

Tip #3: Don’t Become a Source of Entertainment

You’re sitting on the couch, a few pages into a really good book. After a long day of work, school drop-offs, pick-ups, and cooking dinner, you’re so ready to sit back and relax for a bit. 

Out of the blue, your 10-year-old son plops down on the couch beside you.

“There’s NOTHING to do in this house,” he whines. 

I’m sure this scenario sounds all too familiar. But what I really want to focus on is your response.

Do you immediately put down your book and start listing all the options he has for entertainment? Do you take him out of the house to some place more fun?

If so, you may want to consider pumping the brakes just a tad. Because as naturally as it may be for you to automatically jump into problem-solving mode, you’re not doing your son any favors by doing the work for him. 

All you’ve done is become his own personal source of entertainment.

You may be thinking, “But Amy, I feel so GUILTY if I don’t do something to keep him occupied!”

I get it. As parents, it can feel as though we’re hard-wired to feel guilty about each and every one of our children’s concerns. We want them to be happy, after all! But trust me when I say, now is the time to ditch the guilt.

You are not a source of entertainment for your son. You are his parent. And when you give up on the tireless task of trying to keep him entertained every moment of every day, you’re going to discover a magnificent secret few parents know about, but every parent should…

One of the best things we can do for our children is to let them be bored!

Tip #4: Let Them Be Bored

Did I seriously just tell you to let your child be bored?

Absolutely! And I meant every word, because, believe it or not, boredom is a good thing.

Why? Because boredom idles the mind, giving kids the opportunity to slow down and quiet the world around them. It also gives them the chance to come up with things to do on their own–without our help. This is also known as a boredomtunity!

Your 8-year-old daughter may complain of boredom anytime she’s left to her own devices, but here’s the thing–she’s creative (and capable) enough to come up with her own ways to fill her down time.

Next time, instead of automatically jumping in and providing a quick source of entertainment, try saying, “Sweetie, I understand you are bored right now, and no one likes that feeling. But I have confidence you’re creative enough to come up with some fun things to do on your own.”

By allowing her the freedom to personally fill that unstructured time throughout her day, you’re giving her a huge dose of power and responsibility. And bonus! She’ll also get a healthy lesson in time-management on the side. 

What a win-win!

Tip #5: Establish Your Family’s Go-To Boredom Busters

Now, I get it. Sometimes we are simply exhausted! We AND our children. And coming up with a fun, unique, spur-of-the-moment entertainment idea is just not going to happen.

If that’s the case, I highly suggest you come together as a family–perhaps during a Family Meeting–and put together a list of your go-to boredom busters.

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions® Members, be sure to check out Step 6 of the 7-Step Parenting Success System® course for more information on how to run a successful Family Meeting.

You can put these ideas in a boredom jar, write them down on the family chalkboard–whatever! Just make sure your kids can easily refer back to them when needed. That way, when the moment strikes and they cannot come up with anything to ease their boredom, you’ll know where to direct them.

I’ve put together a few fun and easy ideas to get you started. But don’t stop here! Take the time to truly make these boredom busters specific to your family.

• Go for a bike/scooter ride.
• Bake a healthy treat.
• Draw a comic book that’s filled with things you WANT to be doing.
• Make a scavenger hunt.
• Put on a play.
• Write a letter to a friend or family member.
• Call your grandparents or other relatives.
• Complete a random act of kindness.
• Have a dance party/dance-off with a sibling.  

Now, if you’re looking to go the extra mile and really cover your bases, don’t stop here! In addition to a boredom jar, you can also create a family jobs jar. 

This is just like a boredom jar, instead it’s filled with activities your kids can do around the house. Think of things outside their normal Family Contributions, such as mopping the kitchen floor, dusting the baseboards, or organizing the pantry.

Then, when your child comes to you and says, “I’m bored…”

All you need to do is respond with, “What can YOU DO to feel less bored?” 

If they can’t find something to do on their own, simply point them in the direction of the jars. That way, one of two things will happen. They’ll pick something from the family jobs jar and you’ll get some much-needed help around the house OR they’ll pick a fun activity from the boredom jar to keep them occupied.

Either way, it’s a win for parents!

Final Thoughts

If your child’s constant complaints of boredom are driving you to your very edge, take heart! There’s hope that you can end the whining, complaining, and moaning–for good!

Using these 5 simple tips, you won’t just bust your child’s boredom. You’ll also find clever and easy ways to increase their independence, allowing them to come up with entertainment all on their own.

Boredom gets a bad rap. But trust me when I say, it’s NOT a bad thing! In fact, allowing your child to be bored and rest in a certain amount of unstructured time will certainly prove beneficial in the long-run.

Before you know it, you’ll notice less complaining and more playing. And the best part? You don’t have to lift a finger! Unless you want to, of course.

It starts when your son rides his balance bike around the block–alone. A few years later, he’s off to his first sleepover. 

It continues when your teenage daughter goes out on her first date. Before you know it, you’re waving goodbye as she drives off to college.

The pattern is familiar for all parents, and it never gets any easier. 

Loving our children means letting them go. 

We don’t always remember this in the thick of things when our children are so dependent on us. 

I mean, it’s hard to imagine that little toddler in fire truck pajamas riding his bike to school or leading his cub scouts to their campsite. It’s just as difficult to grasp that your daughter, once in a high chair flinging pasta around the kitchen, is now on that first dinner date. 

But 10-20 years from now–if all goes according to plan–we’ll have raised our children to be independent. 

But what’s the best way to impart independence? Which tools can we utilize now to help our kids one day succeed outside our domain? 

At Positive Parenting Solutions, we are all about tools. My online course has over 36 of them that can help in almost every parenting predicament. We’ll discuss a few of them here, and you can learn even more through our FREE PARENTING CLASS. 

But positive parenting is also a philosophy–one that naturally equips kids with the skills needed to grow in their independence. 

Even so, ensuring our kids will successfully soar in the soon-to-be real world is easier said than done.

Here are 6 strategies for raising independent kids (as hard as it will one day be to see them go).

1. Don’t Do For Your Kids What They Can Do For Themselves

It begins by simply offering help. Maybe it’s tying their shoes, pouring their milk, or doing their math homework. Then, we keep helping. 

Before long, they either expect us to help or don’t believe they can do it themselves. 

To a large extent, assisting our kids is part of our job description. We’re supposed to help toddlers zip up their winter coats and guide sleepy kids toward their soft, warm beds. We’re meant to place curfews on teenagers still learning to make wise choices. 

But a pattern of regularly doing for kids what they can do for themselves makes them further reliant on us.

According to Adlerian Psychology–the basis of positive parenting–our primary job as caregivers is to move our kids from complete dependence to complete independence. If we don’t, we inhibit their progress (and make our lives harder). 

It’s so tempting to do things for our kids, either through generosity or even to get the task done faster. But the best advice I can give you is to resist this urge and encourage self-sufficiency. 

“A dependent child is a demanding child. Children become irresponsible only when we fail to give them opportunities to take on responsibility.” – Rudolf Dreikurs and Margaret Goldman.

Take Time for Training

Even still, you may be wondering, “If we aren’t supposed to do things FOR our kids that they’re perfectly capable of doing for themselves, how do we ensure things get done completely and efficiently?”

Instead of unintentionally instilling a sense of helplessness by overly assisting our children, we can Take Time for Training and TEACH them they can do most things for themselves. 

Parents often underestimate this simple tool. It can feel burdensome because it does take time. It may even take several repetitions for kids to grasp something–like a toddler carefully cracking an egg into cookie batter or a tween getting ALL the grime off those dishes. 

We don’t always have time to interact with our kids face-to-face and calmly teach them what we know. But this is one of a parent’s most crucial jobs. Besides providing for our children, we need to teach them to provide for themselves.

Kids as young as two or three can be encouraged to do as much as possible for themselves. This includes getting dressed, making their beds, and helping themselves to food in the refrigerator. 

And naturally, the older kids get, the greater the responsibilities.

The Take Time for Training tool gives our kids the confidence and encouragement to develop the skills so crucial for independence. It also replaces expectation and entitlement with a healthy dose of responsibility.

Which leads me to that never-ending quest for help around the house…

2. Focus on Family Contributions

Every member of a family plays an important role in a successfully running household. 

If our goal is to raise independent kids, there are basic skills they’ll need as a functioning adult. Learning how to clean a house, cook wholesome meals, and change a baby sister’s diaper now saves kids time and training later. 

From folding their laundry to picking up toys, when we expect kids to contribute in age-appropriate ways they realize they are indispensable to the family team. This builds their confidence and encourages them to do even more to help out!

What also helps is to label these tasks as “Family Contributions”–because “chores” is a word more associated with boring, undesirable, and begrudging work. Plus, by switching up our language, we drive home the fact that our children’s contributions have a greater purpose.

Once they’re on their own, kids who are well-rehearsed in completing contributions will be experts in home economics. After all, cleaning a bathroom isn’t something we just know how to do. Nor is cooking a healthy, unpackaged dinner. It’s something that needs to be learned and practiced!

Plus, while we want our kids to be brilliant and great at their future jobs, let’s face it–if their houses are a pig-sty and they can’t cook a pancake, they are at a disadvantage. 

The earlier kids share a portion of daily duties, the better for everyone. 

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions Members, be sure to review the “Jobs for Kids by Age” list in your Step 2 Workbook.

3. Maintain a Decision-Rich Environment

Every single day is filled with hundreds of choices. Pizza or pasta? Red skirt or blue? Violin or cello? Four-year college or two?

Allowing our children to make age-appropriate choices throughout the day gives them a sense of control and dominion over their lives. And–you guessed it. Decisions also lead to independent thinking and independent actions.

Kids need practice making choices and weighing pros and cons. Plus, when making their own choices they take ownership of those choices. They learn from their bad decisions and can’t blame anyone else for them. 

The key is to make decision-making a normal part of your family’s routine and environment. This could mean anything from stocking a bin in the pantry with healthy snacks for your 4-year-old to letting your 12-year-old plan-out her after-school routine. 

It’s not a free-for-all–you’ll set up the choices and get the final say. But by purposefully building decision-making opportunities into each day, your kids will get used to the expectation that they’ll be thinking for themselves–not only now, but once they’re grown and flown.

Also, that pasta tastes SO much better because they picked it!

Provide an Allowance 

Another excellent way to flex children’s decision-making muscles is to offer them an allowance. Besides granting some fiscal fun, an allowance can teach kids to budget and manage future incomes.

As we all know, monetary self-sufficiency is one of the most crucial aspects of independence.

Maybe there’s a toy they want to buy, new skinny jeans–even a used car. Having an allowance to work with teaches kids how long it takes to save for things they really want. 

On the flip side of the coin, an allowance teaches them how quickly and easily money can be spent.

One day, they’ll likely need a down payment for a house. They’ll also want to take that once-in-a-lifetime vacation–all while also paying their bills. 

If we allow some practice with a small budget (even just a little piggy bank), our children will know what kind of hard work and patience these goals require.

Please Note: Be conscious of not tying allowances to Family Contributions. Although the concept can be tricky, allowances given in exchange for ordinary help around the house can be confused with rewards. Ideally, an allowance is for budgeting alone.

Giving our kids real-life choices, whether major, minor, or monetary, helps prepare them for all the other choices that lay ahead.  

4. Encourage Effort…and Celebrate Failure!

That perfection thing? It’s overrated and causes kids a LOT of anxiety. Some kids are so locked into the fear of failure, they don’t even try.

Imagine how this might play out in the real world–the place where your child needs to take risks. Whether applying for college, interviewing for jobs, or bidding on their very first home, they’ll need to be prepared for disappointment and poised to learn from it.

To help kids overcome this when they’re independent adults, focus on the quality of their EFFORTS while they’re still under your roof.

If your son studied hard for his biology test and still got a C, it’s the hard work he put in that counts. If your potty-training toddler failed to make it to the toilet in time, her steps (literally) in the right direction are commendable. 

We can also focus on efforts by encouraging kids to try new things, get out of their comfort zones, and be creative–all to foster their sense of independence without the pressure to succeed or be perfect. Encouragement is never about the result. 

Instead, it embraces the process. 

When we laser-focus on our kids’ efforts and bravery–especially through their willingness to take risks–they’ll be less intimidated to work hard and take chances in the future. Ideally, they’ll learn not to fear failure at all, because failure isn’t even the point. 

Effort is what will keep them on their own two feet.

5. Promote Problem-Solving

It’s SO hard to curb the parental instinct to jump in and fix our kids’ problems. But when it comes to encouraging them to do things on their own, this includes problem-solving!

We can assist them, instead, by giving them the chance to find good solutions. 

One way to inspire this is to ask our kids “How?” questions. 

“How could you make your sister feel better (since you took her action figure)?” 

“How will you make sure you get up in time to catch the bus?”

Just like in a Decision-Rich Environment, if we want kids to think for themselves one day, we can’t provide all the answers. We can assure them we’re available for suggestions or assistance but that it’s best for them to reach their own conclusions.

Avoiding the tendency to jump in with our answers to their problems helps our kids feel confident in their abilities. 

What we DO want to offer, however, is a safety-net that allows kids to problem-solve in a controlled environment. With this structure and support in place, bad solutions won’t face serious consequences. 

For example: 

Let’s say your eleven-year-old left his retainer at his friend’s sleepover last night. If his solution is to walk across the neighborhood at 9 pm to retrieve it, you can respond with, “I appreciate your plan to walk over there, but it’s your bedtime and probably pretty close to your friend’s bedtime, too. Let’s wait until morning when it isn’t dark out and your friend is up and around.” 

This way, less-than-ideal solutions can become learning opportunities.

Before long, your child’s problem-solving skills will be prepped and ready for long-term, real-life action.   

6. Nourish Your Child’s “Spirit”

It can be shocking how early our kids’ personalities shine through. Maybe your baby fusses easily and loves being the center of attention. Perhaps your bubbly toddler is as stubborn as she is talkative. 

One of the best things we can do for our kids’ independence–especially if we want them to be confident in their abilities and comfortable in their own skin–is to work with these unique strengths and characteristics without defining them. 

This includes abandoning any preconceived notions of what we think our kids are like or what we want them to become.

It helps if we start by not labeling our kids. Even if we notice strengths or weaknesses early on, we don’t want our kids to feel defined by our perceptions.

Extroverted parents might have an introverted 6-year-old that likes to play alone and would rather not talk to other kids. When she refuses to talk to friends and extended family, they tend to call her “shy”–right within earshot. 

Even if certain behaviors or characteristics are true, they aren’t necessarily set in stone, especially at such a young age. We don’t want to define our kids, nor do we want them thinking that certain characteristics are bad. 

In her alone play, the same introverted daughter could be honing her LEGO engineering skills or developing a wonderful, outside-the-box imagination. Both are skills and strengths that, regardless of any overt social hesitancy, should be embraced.

Even when parents feel the need to explain a child’s characteristics, like, “I’m sorry, my daughter will talk your ear off if you let her,” a better phrase would be, “My daughter is excellent at communication. She’s really open about her experiences and feelings.” 

Kids that hear positive feedback spend less time retreating from their traits and more time expanding upon them. And when they’re ultimately out on their own, being well aware of these strengths will help them choose suitable lifestyles, careers–even partners. 

All in all, nourishing a child’s spirit makes confident, strong-minded thinking just that much more inherent. 

Final Thoughts

As parents, it feels good–great even–when our kids need us. We love it when they turn to us for guidance, affection–even for that peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

Don’t worry, your kids will always need you in one way or another. 

We do have to remind ourselves, however, that our long-term parenting goal is to guide our kids from being totally dependent on us into becoming independent thinkers and doers. And that’s no overnight task.

Raising kids to take a proactive role in their everyday lives might be a little scary at first. But believe me, encouraging your kids’ independence is a gift that will keep on giving.

I can’t promise you won’t crumble after sending your recruit off to boot camp or cry buckets when your daughter chooses an out-of-state college. You will lose part of your heart when you send your children into the “real world.” 

But knowing that you’ve raised them to be independent will give you the confidence and strength to let them go…and conquer. 

Amy’s Note: I know how personal Santa is to you and your family. My intention isn’t to pass judgment, encourage one belief over another, or step on any toes. For those of you that have introduced Santa to your kids, or are considering it, these are simply ideas to transition away from a storybook Santa–whenever the time is right–and embrace a lifetime of actionable kindness and generosity. 

To millions around the world, the holiday season is incomplete without a jovial, resonant “Ho Ho Ho.” 

Santa Claus isn’t just a Christmas icon. Various countries and cultures have adopted the concept of Kris Kringle and run with it.

Any belief in Santa is deeply personal and can be presented and discussed however parents and caregivers choose. 

But if Santa has become part of your family’s traditions, there comes a time when kids learn who’s really making the gift list and checking it twice. 

As is true with the majority of positive parenting strategies I teach, the most effective way to navigate conversations about Santa is to take a proactive approach. 

So, while children are still whimsically wrapped up in Mr. Claus, here are tips to gently prepare them for the inevitable, big reveal.

Lay the “Christmas Spirit” Groundwork Early On

Many kids grow up entrenched in the idea of Santa. Babies are cuddled in his arms and toddlers sit on his giant, welcoming lap. Kids smile earnestly–or cry just as intensely–for the photo op. 

From our earliest Christmases, we know the old man in red works wonders. He has reindeer and a sleigh that circumnavigate the globe in a day. He automatically knows who’s been naughty and nice. And, he’s the keeper of the most coveted gifts. 

These visions of Santa make the holidays fun for kids and adults alike. The younger kids are, the more we can lean into these concepts and watch the wonder unfold. 

However, as wonderful as it is to delve into the magic, we can also lay the foundation for a future, longer-lasting Santa. Even as we line our kids up for photos and create cotton-ball beards, we can gently redirect them towards his character instead of his toy sack.

This way, when kids soon discover that nothing short of time travel can transport a person to that many houses in one night, they’ll have the spirit of Santa to inspire them in new ways.

Before the truth comes out, here are a few areas to focus on…

Emphasize Santa’s Kindness and Hard Work

One day, Santa won’t be landing on powdery-white rooftops. He’ll be a next-door neighbor helping your teenager shovel snow for the shared cul-de-sac. 

Another day soon, Santa won’t be gobbling up cookies on coffee tables. He’ll be volunteering with your family at the food shelter on Christmas Eve.

Santa, in essence, can be anyone who works hard to make a difference. 

The idea is, when we accentuate all the good things Santa does for people around the world, our kids can better comprehend the Christmas spirit: an attitude and moral code that can transcend all religions and traditions. It’s something your slightly older child will really be able to get behind.

In short, it’s never too soon to teach the true meaning of the holidays. When your kids’ visions of Santa and sugar plums are combined with true Christmas spirit, they won’t feel such a loss when the magic fades.

Once our kids understand the true spirit of Santa, it’s also important to…

Abandon Naughty and Nice (and an Emphasis on Material Gifts)

If we want to accentuate the Christmas spirit, it’s also time to deviate from “naughty or nice.” 

While your kids are still young and believers in Santa, consider creating an environment where Santa doesn’t judge. An atmosphere that isn’t about give-and-take. 

Naughty behavior isn’t acceptable around the holidays or any time of year. But that doesn’t mean we should promise gift rewards for commendable behavior — especially when kids are told that Santa and his elves monitor their behavior and actions non-stop. 

Some kids latch on to Santa’s Big Brother tendencies to spy. Although he’s a lovable spy–the white-haired 007 type–it’s still discouraging, especially for kids who struggle with impulse control.

It may be awesome that Santa can do practically anything, but it’s equally intimidating that he can see and hear everything.

This sense of demoralization, especially for children who struggle to make appropriate choices, isn’t going to keep them from acting out less. In fact, it may increase bad behavior. 

And any subsequent good behavior will be carefully calculated on earning back gifts.  

Your kids will think, “If I don’t make Mommy and Daddy mad today, or most of the day tomorrow, I’ll probably still get my favorite gifts on Christmas morning!”

To be fair, it’s not really their fault–kids are practically trained to focus on what Santa will bring them each Christmas. But this sense of rewards, entitlement, and materialism is not what we want them focused on. 

Using gifts as a ploy for good behavior may seem expedient and practical for parents. But it misdirects kids from the true meaning of the holidays. It also creates a power struggle and a scenario in which parents are unlikely to follow through (you’re probably still going to give them presents, aren’t you?). 

It’s far kinder to find other ways to help our kids behave appropriately, and let Santa remain a jolly old elf.

Even after equipping your kids with long-term skills for better behavior, it can still be tough when they learn that Santa had nothing to do with any of it.

If you’re worried your child will feel deceived…

Explore Any Concerns About “Lying”

Sadly, it’s true; some kids are devastated when they read the fine print. They glom onto the fact their parents lied about Santa.

There’s no way to completely control how a child will react when learning who really delivers the presents. However, it’s a less earth-shaking surprise when parents regularly emphasize the tangible, real-world actions that bring Christmas cheer. 

If Santa is the Christmas spirit, and the Christmas spirit is kindness in action, then maybe Santa IS real?

This could be the truth you choose to emphasize all throughout their Santa-believing days.

If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of lying about Santa to your kids, then don’t. Omit more frivolous details, try not to emphasize them, or respond with questions like, “What do the stories say?” or “What do you think?” when your kids ask for answers. And don’t promote Santa at all if it feels disingenuous. 

Instead, consider telling your kids that some parents play a game where they pretend Santa brings presents. Ask if they’d like to play too. 

Teaching kids to love and to give through the concept of Santa Claus is always a choice. It’s your call whether–and how–to do it.

Now that you’ve laid the groundwork for the Santa-believing kid in your life, here are a few ways to gently spill the beans about Santa when the time comes (while still keeping the magic alive). 

1. Emphasize the Freedom of Belief

The world is all the more fascinating with its eclectic traditions. And it’s truly a gift when everyone can celebrate the holidays in their unique, special ways. 

Explaining that traditions and beliefs often vary by family helps kids transition to a new level of understanding of Santa Claus. They’ll learn there is more than one way to look at things. They can determine what they wish to see and what works for them.

But kids also need to understand their beliefs may not be held by others. 

Viewing Santa through a black and white lens can lead to that “belief-system let-down” we prefer to avoid. When other kids present opposing views, or we, as parents, pull back the curtain, we don’t want them to feel misled. 

We want them to feel enlightened.

Reminding our kids that everyone chooses their beliefs–including how they choose to view Santa–leaves room for interpretation, wonder, and possibility.

2. Embody Real Magic

Once their eyes are opened to the truth, it’s easier for kids to let go of Santa when they discover he (or she) is already in the house. 

Our actions and attitudes as parents can make the small things in life special, like focusing on things we’re grateful for and finding beauty everywhere.

Every day should be full of little bits of magic–real magic–and everyday heroism. 

Start with music. Fill your car rides, bath time, and virtual schooling breaks with all the tunes that make your heart happy. Sing along, all year long! We don’t want Santa to be the only magical concept our kids encounter each year. 

Because Santa lives for giving to others, show how you choose to give to others every day. It can be something small, like making cookies for a neighbor or just making dirty dishes disappear. Let your kids learn from your examples and help, too. 

Santa also has a great work ethic. So, illustrate all the wonderful things that come from practice and effort. After a day organizing the house, hang new fairy lights in the living room to show how beautiful it can look. Or, after patiently watching a YouTube video on cake decorating, show your kids how learning something new can be rewarding, pretty, and delicious!  

And because your kids are growing up, one way to spin the Santa conversation in a positive and empowering way is to…

3. Label the New Information “Privileged Knowledge”

Many of us want to keep the idea of Santa alive as long as possible. We like witnessing the magic in our kids’ eyes. We hate to relinquish their innocence to a more complex truth. 

But often, kids learn about Santa way before we’re ready to talk.

Maybe it was know-it-all Aiden telling the kindergarten class the North Pole is just an ocean of shifting ice. Or, your 8-year-old stumbled across the Claus costume in your husband’s corner of the closet.

How you manage interrogations from suddenly upset or curious kids depends on your wishes and beliefs. It could be time to reaffirm your stance, come clean, or simply shift gears. 

But one possible conversation could go like this:

“Lily–I know you’re upset about what Aiden said. While it wasn’t his place to tell you, he wasn’t lying, either. 

Now that you’re old enough, let me share some privileged knowledge with you. 

Santa, in a big way, is always real. He may not glide the globe in a day, have a full-fledged workshop at the North Pole, or fill your stocking on Christmas Eve. But the idea of Santa reminds us all to think of others and to always give.” 

Keep in mind, literal questions like “How can Santa come into our house when we don’t have a chimney?” may indicate your children are ready–and eager–for the truth. They’re likely at a high enough cognitive level to grasp deep, multilayered concepts, and they’ll gain confidence when their questions are respected.

We can always give kids the benefit of the doubt when it comes to their reasoning and their ability to cope with loss–even grief. They can handle it (and you can too).

With a little guidance, they can also handle the responsibility of keeping the truth on the down-low… 

Keep Them From Divulging Santa Intel 

Hopefully, your kids won’t feel the need to broadcast the privileged knowledge you’ve entrusted to them. 

By harboring knowledge they’re now “grown-up enough” to process, they may even feel more important than ever. 

Still, any conversation about Santa can end with a short caveat:

“I have confidence you’ll let your friends and siblings enjoy Santa’s magic a little longer. It was a special time for you, and it’s special for them, too.”

Kids are always encouraged when we express our confidence and faith in them. And they benefit greatly from open communication. 

Regardless, kids might tattle about Santa to feel more important. Or, maybe they’re angry with an uncomfortable new reality. 

We can help by expressing our empathy. The more kids feel validated for their big, complicated feelings, the less they’ll feel like invalidating the feelings of others.

Regular doses of encouragement and positive attention can also lessen any desire to divulge. 

And, especially for younger kids, we can take a few minutes to practice conversations they might have with their friends or siblings, reinforcing how to not spill the beans.

Quite possibly the best way to ensure their lips stay sealed is to…

4. Light the Way to Santa-Hood

Breaking the news about Santa doesn’t need to be sad or negative. Instead, we can think of the realization as a beautiful “aha” moment. 

This fresh, optimistic insight is the chance to pass the torch of kindness and generosity without extinguishing it. And, it’s a great way to counter all the excess and expectation of the holidays. 

This isn’t when childhood has to come crashing down. Instead, it’s when kids realize their parents–the ones who love them the most–are the true givers. It’s when they learn the holidays are about love and altruism–not about expecting, list-making, and judgment. 

And if we want our kids to spread Christmas-like cheer all year long, invite them in to “play Santa” during this holiday season.

Let your older children take a bite out of the Santa cookies your toddler put out. Invite them to stuff stockings for their younger siblings. Encourage them to leave powdered-sugar boot prints on your driveway for Christmas morning. 

Kids will soon catch on that the behaviors they see modeled in Santa Claus, and their own loved ones, are worth emulating–which means they have the power to become the jolly old elf himself.

Final Thoughts

It may feel like letting your kids in on the Santa secret is the end of something magical. But it’s really a wonderful beginning. Take this beautiful opportunity to tell your kids it’s their turn to embody the Christmas spirit. 

It’s not just about passing out gifts on Christmas morning. It’s a special, lifelong chance to spread kindness and joy. And it doesn’t have to be wrapped.

We want them to feel fortunate to be a part of this–the true magic of the season.