parenting

What Age Should Kids Get a Phone? 4 Questions to Consider

young african girl holding smartphoneyoung african girl holding smartphone

young african girl holding smartphone

Buying a phone is a high-dive plunge, and the risks must be weighed before we determine whether our children should jump.

It’s a bit of a Catch-22–we don’t want screen time inhibiting our kids’ social, emotional, and intellectual growth, but there are circumstances when they may actually need a phone.

There’s already plenty of evidence that phones (and more specifically, smartphones) negatively affect mental health. Still, our daily lives are built increasingly around them. 

We also have to keep track of our kids–literally–and we want to give them the ability to call and text us (you know, all the time, even on dates, when they’re in college–forever). 

Paving communication channels between parent and child begins by allowing kids (some) freedom of movement and choice. In fact, my FREE WEBINAR is all about recognizing our children’s desire for power and autonomy and accommodating these innate needs in a safe and effective way. 

Giving a child a phone is one increasingly common way of allowing kids autonomy, whether it’s through conversations with friends or the freedom to watch funny videos. But as much as they may enjoy these privileges (and as much as we enjoy the ability to always text, call, and pinpoint their whereabouts), phones can be equally detrimental.

So, the questions abound: Should we be buying our kids phones? If so, what type, when, at what literal cost, and within what boundaries?

To answer these questions, let’s start at the very beginning. 

You remember the scene…when your daughter walked in the door and exclaimed:

“Bridget got a phone when she was nine, and I’m almost 11! Why can’t I have one?” 

Should Kids Get a Phone? 

Keeping up with the Joneses–even intentionally not keeping up with them–is a constant struggle in life and parenting. 

You may want that BMW and that Louis Vuitton. You may be jealous of the neighbor’s vacation to Greece. But you know your 6-year-old son doesn’t need an iPhone 12…or 67…or whatever it is now.   

It’s easy to give kids what they want when it makes them happy. Even if it just silences the begging, pleading, and negotiating, it can feel well worth a pretty penny. 

But as fun or as tempting as it may be, buying phones based on the status quo ignores whether our children are actually ready for one. 

Growing up, you may have heard, “This is the way we do it in our house, regardless of what your friends’ parents do.”

And now you’re regurgitating the same phrase and sounding just like your parents.

But the influence of peer pressure and the importance of keeping our kids up-to-date with their contemporaries is nothing to scoff at, either. 

Many kids use cell phones and other technologies almost exclusively to keep in touch with their peers. They can’t even schedule outings without texting first. 

Now, with virtual learning a commonality, kids are often required to go face to face through a digital lens. 

Regardless of our technological wishes or preferences, it’s essential we consider how much our kids need phones just to function in the world around them. 

Your friend might need her 6-year-old to have a phone because she spends every other weekend at her co-parent‘s house. But you might not see a need for your kids to have a phone until high school.

Determining if–and when–kids are ready for phones is completely family and kid dependent–especially when it comes to smartphones.

What Type of Phone Should My Kids Get?

Kids Should Start With a Basic Phone

The tech industry has realized that one size does not fit all. This means we can find a phone option that suits our family’s unique needs while also keeping our kiddos safe.

Even with basic phones, we can keep track of kids and start to build trust. These simpler phones still allow them to text family, friends, and make important, or emergency, calls. 

And for the youngest kids, a simple watch that allows your kindergartener to call and tell you he missed the school bus–but that also restricts his access to games, social media, and the internet–may be the perfect fit. 

Smartphones (and tablets and computers) can also be used on a very basic level. They don’t need all of those apps to work. We can cut out any unnecessary internet access and social media we deem necessary while adding plenty of restrictions (we love OurPact). 

We also love Gabb Phones because they…

  1. Look like a smartphone and ward off any negative peer pressure, and… 
  2. They have all the text & call capabilities WITHOUT an app store, social media, or games that distract kids.

There are many resources to guide you through the safest possible smartphone set-up for your kids. 

And don’t worry–early access to a basic phone isn’t a gateway phone to the dark net. Safe protocols lead to safe results. 

So, how can you know your child is ready to navigate even more of the world at their fingertips with a smartphone?

The Minimum Age for Smartphone Usage 

When determining smartphone eligibility, it ultimately comes down to a child’s level of maturity and responsibility. So, kids wanting to use–and not abuse–smartphone privileges should prove a few things first. 

Here are 4 signs they’re up for the challenge:

1. They’re Well Aware of Smartphone Dangers 

Kids shouldn’t have mobile devices at their fingertips unless they’re well-versed in the power they contain.

Discussing, in-depth, the risks of cyberbullying, online predators, sexting, and even how to call 911 (or what to do when accidentally calling 911) should all preface the purchase of a smartphone. 

Phone safety is a crucial, non-negotiable conversation we must have with our children. It’s not unlike discussing stranger danger before sending our kids on solo walks to school or broaching the less-than-comfortable birds and bees talk.

smartphone safety quote

Smartphones are literally a gateway to the entire world; kids need to be prepared for what they’re going to see and familiar with what is–and isn’t–okay. 

If children can rattle off how sharing sensitive, personal information in a text is a bad idea, explain proper online etiquette, and understand that social media is based on appearances more than reality, they may be prepared to navigate the perils, and not just the technical aspects, of a smartphone.

2. They Exhibit Self-Control with Other Technologies

Kids have a lot of different technologies to distract them. Most likely, it’s already a huge part of their lives and will remain so. 

To test their self-restraint, try setting daily time limits on the hours or minutes they can use each type of tech. If they complain profusely when their 30 minutes of TV shows are up, they are not ready to demonstrate the self-control that’s required to use a phone. 

If they’d rather stay inside and play video games than join the friendly neighborhood kids in a game of kickball, they might need encouragement to re-balance the amount of screen time they enjoy. 

Kids should also be setting aside technology while they’re studying, eating meals, and at least 2 hours before heading to bed

If you’re on the struggle-bus demanding screen breaks and controlling time limits already, it’s best to delay the purchase of a smartphone until they can better self-monitor and control their usage. 

Pro Tip: For Positive Parenting Solutions® Members; please review the ADVANCED training session–Technology Survival Plan–for signs of technology addiction and a plan to turn it around. 

3. They Prioritize School and Family Contributions

Kids can–and should–have age-appropriate responsibilities. It gives them a sense of power. It creates confidence. And it encourages them to keep up the good work. 

But smartphones are such a gloriously fun distraction from it all.

Ideally, our kids are helping out around the house daily. Whether it’s our 7-year-old folding and putting away his laundry or our 16-year-old cleaning his bathroom, these family contributions should occur (without constant reminders) before any technology time.

Additionally, kids also need to be regularly keeping up with their schooling (whether virtual or in-person) and homework before you consider buying a smartphone.

You might think that smartphones can help kids learn. It’s true–many great educational resources are available as phone apps, and you can even limit a child’s phone usage to education only. However, before our kids are ready to dig into these educational resources on their devices, they must demonstrate responsibility in learning the old-school way! 

4. They Are Open in Their Communication

At some point, kids stop telling us everything. Depending on the subject, that’s okay! 

Your teen son doesn’t want to tell you which girls he’s secretly crushing on. And your tween daughter may want to keep a few of her BFF’s secrets, well, secret. As long as they’re appropriate, there are some things we simply don’t need to know.

But we do still need our kids–at any age–to come to us when something is wrong. It’s important they feel comfortable confiding in us and know we offer a safe refuge for them to talk and ask questions. 

If we don’t have a solid rapport with our kids, they’re less likely to come to us with problems. 

With smartphones a part of their everyday lives, online bullying, dangerous activities–even suicidal friends–might all be things our children encounter. Even if our kids do something wrong, we need them to confide in us.

free parenting class

Therefore, it’s crucial to establish and maintain open communication before unleashing a smartphone. 

This is doubly true if you’ll be allowing your kids access to social media. Healthy communication  translates to healthy usage. And healthy usage means that no social media accounts can be kept private from you. 

Dishonesty and concealment are giant, waving red flags. Kids that either struggle with lying or tend to be deceptive need to understand that the truth alone will earn your trust–and their smartphone privileges. 

Should Kids Help Pay for Their Phones?

They’ll probably beg to differ, but kids don’t deserve every toy they ever want. Nor do they deserve a dog just because they like animals or a new car just for passing driver’s ed. 

The same is true for phones.

Phones can be earned–or purchased–through legitimate work and hard-earned money. 

If we don’t want our kids feeling entitled, they’re best served understanding the monetary value of a family phone plan and the hefty cost of a phone itself. 

If you provide your kids an allowance, encourage them to set aside a percentage each month to help pay for their phones/smartphones.

Alternatively, they can accomplish special jobs around the house or even pocket money through babysitting or other work to contribute to the cost. 

In a way, it’s easy to understand why so many kids feel entitled to a phone when everyone else has one. But kids that don’t work for their privileges tend not to feel gratitude–or even respect–for what they have. 

Our job as parents is to combat that feeling of expectation by insisting they earn it through due diligence and monetary contribution/awareness. 

What Boundaries Should Be in Place for Smartphone Use?

So, you’ve decided your kids have earned and are ready for a smartphone!  

Regardless, you may still feel like you’ve opened Pandora’s box. Your kids now have potential access to endless information–both helpful and harmful. And despite their maturity, you may foresee problems with enhanced screen-time addiction. This is when a family technology contract can encourage kids to respect–and not abuse–their newfound privilege.  

To begin with, a technology contract is upfront and doesn’t involve secretly “spying” on kids. It can detail restrictions, like the parental controls you’ll be implementing and the apps you’ll rely on to monitor their usage and time limits. It can be transparent about blocked websites and the prohibition of secret social media accounts.

Like any business contract, family technology contracts require an upfront understanding of the parameters. Kids can study the contract, agree to the terms, and even acknowledge their awareness by signing it. 

What’s more, the contract mirrors the terms of a logical consequence.

Logical consequences require that children understand in advance what will happen if they break the rules. And, if they break the rules, they will face consequences related to that offense.

Therefore, the contract can go on to say what will happen if terms aren’t upheld. A breach in contract could lead to losing smartphone privileges for a day, a week–even longer. It could mean loss of access to the internet, social media, or YouTube.

You can create a family technology contract that is the right fit for you. But remember–the contract is set in stone. And as much as possible, the same terms should apply to you, too.

logical consequences quote

Pro Tip: For Positive Parenting Solutions® Members; please review the ADVANCED training session–Technology Survival Plan–for a sample Family Technology Contract.

Setting a Good Example

If anyone can understand the constant draw to technology and addictive qualities, it’s us. Raise your hand if you’re trying to find where you left your iPhone at least five times a day and feel naked accidentally leaving the house without it. 

We use our smartphones to find take-out, navigate ourselves to the dentist office, keep in touch with friends and relatives, and read the latest news. 

To a large extent, we have to use smartphones way more than our kids. We have work, bills to pay, appointments to schedule, communication to maintain…and it can all happen on our small devices.

But if we expect our kids to set aside their phones at dinnertime and play games or watch videos an hour or less each day, we need to hold ourselves to the same standards. Our own addiction to technology–or lack of–can be the most powerful example of all. 

I get it though…it’s also one of the hardest to uphold! 

Just remember that any terms our children agree to will feel more balanced and fair the more all family members are onboard. 

Final Thoughts

Whether the latest parenting style is helicopter, Tiger Mom, or free-range, determining if and when our kids can have a phone is a serious question–one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. 

But with proper precautions, preparedness, and boundaries, kids can use phones of any kind much more safely and at your discretion. And with continual, hard-earned trust, additional access and privileges across all devices may follow. 

As influential as it is, technology doesn’t determine the rules in your family–YOU do!

With oversight and guidance, you can safely guide your kids towards exciting and responsible technological futures.

6 Tips for Raising Patient Kids

little boy waiting patiently for cookieslittle boy waiting patiently for cookies

little boy waiting patiently for cookies

Patience is a virtue.

Raise your hand if you’ve heard that once or twice (or 500 times) in your life. And for good reason–patience is a virtue! It’s an admirable quality that we strive to master, even when it feels like we often fail.

Because the truth is, being patient is hard work. 

We’ve all been there… 

Standing in line at the grocery store while the world’s most sloth-like checker rings up the person ahead of us. Or stuck in rush hour traffic with a full bladder and absolutely no break in sight. 

Patience is hard.

Then, when you throw kids into the mix? Being patient is even more challenging

You know how it goes:

First, you ask your son to do something. James, would you put your shoes away, please? 

No response. 

Then, you demand it. James put your shoes away right now.

Crickets.

Finally, you yell. “James, I said you need to put your shoes away this instant! I’m not going to ask again!”

Suddenly, you’ve lost your cool, and any ounce of patience you once had is nothing but an afterthought. Try not to feel too bad. It happens to the best of us. Just ask any parent who has ever taken my FREE class.

Simply put, being patient with kids is no easy feat. 

But if fostering patience is difficult for us as adults, can you imagine how tough it must be for our kids?

The Importance of Patience in Children

Not only is patience an excellent quality for any child to develop, it’s also a strong indicator of their future successes. In fact, the famous Stanford Marshmallow Experiment revealed that 4-year-olds who exercised patience, later had SAT scores that were 210 points higher than their peers who did not.

How amazing is that?!

Unfortunately, in today’s day and age, instant gratification is lurking around every corner. 

We stream and binge our favorite shows the moment they become available. We heat delicious meals in a matter of minutes. We can even access an entire encyclopedia’s worth of information by merely asking our smartphones a question.

When we see something we want, we want it (and often get it) right away!

Is this all convenient? Sure it is. But it doesn’t make waiting any easier. For us or our kids. 

Fortunately, we’re here to help. Check out these 6 tips for raising patient kids! 

6 Tips for Raising Patient Kids

Tip #1: Don’t Drop Everything to Help

Our children are just as human as we are, which means, like us, they also struggle with craving instant gratification. Just like we’d like to hit every green light on the way to work, they’d like to have a snack the moment they ask for one. 

But life doesn’t work like that, right? Sometimes, we have to wait. And when we wait, it’s easy to become frustrated! 

But here’s the beautiful thing about the wait. That’s where patience is learned.

As long as safety isn’t a concern, there’s no need to drop everything and help your child the second they cry your name. Allow them to wait.

You know the routine…

“Mom, can you get me a glass of milk?”

“Dad, I can’t tie my shoes!”

As parents, we know a thing or two about how it feels to be at our children’s beck and call. From the moment they’re born, it seems like we’re always dropping what we’re doing and hurrying to their aid. 

Of course, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. As parents, we should help our children, especially in those early years. We just want to be careful we aren’t crossing the line from helping to enabling.

quote about patience

So instead of jumping immediately when your child asks, try a When-Then approach:

“WHEN I’m finished folding laundry, THEN I’ll grab you a glass of milk.” 

“WHEN I’ve finished my conference call, THEN I’ll help you learn to tie your shoes.”

This is also a fantastic opportunity for you to try out a tool known as Control the Environment.

Let me start by asking you a question…

If no adults lived in your household, how would you arrange the environment so your children could operate entirely independently?

Maybe you could put a step stool in the kitchen so your daughter can grab her glass when she’s thirsty. Or perhaps you lay a pair of easy-to-slip-on shoes outside her bedroom door.

Instead of dropping everything and running to her aid, you’ve now rearranged her physical environment so she can do everything for herself.

Which leads me to my next tip…

Take Time for Training!

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions® Members, be sure to check out Step 3 of the 7-Step Parenting Success System® course for more information on how you can Control the Environment using When-Then routines. 

Tip #2: Take Time for Training

Your children weren’t born with the ability to wait patiently. (Remember those newborn days?) And just like brushing their teeth or learning proper bedtime routines, patience is a learned skill that takes time, practice, and training. 

Take Time for Training is a powerful tool that any parent can (and should!) use. 

To start, make a list of all the things your children typically ask you to help them with. Now, look at the list and narrow it down to what you know they can do themselves.

(Remember, be realistic! You wouldn’t expect your 2-year-old to know how to tie his shoes. But your 7-year-old can do it!) 

Now ask yourself, which of these tasks can I train my child to do now so they won’t be forced to wait for my help?

This could be pouring their cereal in the morning or picking out their outfit. Whatever it may be, move forward with training them on how they can do it for themselves. 

Just keep in mind, this will take time, as no child gets it perfect right out of the gate. But soon, you’ll start to notice the constant demands for help and whines of impatience becoming less frequent.

Now, what about the other portion of the list? The items your children aren’t yet capable of doing themselves?

I’m glad you asked! Because this is where you train them on HOW to wait patiently. 

Let’s say your son is too young to make his own lunch, but you’re busy feeding the baby and can’t prepare his meal right away. This is an excellent chance for you to turn his waiting into a learning opportunity.

For example, when he says, “Mommy, I’m so hungry! I want lunch.”

You can reply, “I’m sorry, Sweetie, I’m busy at the moment. Why don’t you sing the ‘When You Wait’ song or play with your toys until I can make your lunch?” 

Not only did you give him a few ideas on what he can do while he waits, you also handed him the opportunity to practice waiting patiently. 

And whether he succeeds for 30 seconds or 30 minutes, heap on some positive encouragement afterward. Try something like, “Thank you for waiting so patiently, you were so quiet I could really focus on finishing up!” or, “I know it was hard to wait patiently, but you made it look fun the way you set up all your blocks like a castle!”

Tip #3: Engage in Slow-Paced Activities

If the idea of playing a round of Monopoly with your kids has you cringing, I get it! That game can go on forever.

But when it comes to fostering patience, I promise you, playing slow-paced games together will be greatly beneficial. 

Sure, at the end of a long day, it’s easy to hand your child a smartphone or send them off to play a video game. Unfortunately, these types of games are often so fast-paced they actually make it more difficult for your child to develop a healthy understanding of patience.

However, when you throw in games that are both fun and slow, you’re able to teach patience without making it dull.

So pull out that dusty old Monopoly box, play the Silent Game on your next road trip, or teach your kids one of your favorite card games. The sky’s the limit!  

These activities don’t even have to be games (though those are always a great option!). 

Perhaps you and your son have your sights set on finishing a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle for your Mind, Body, and Soul Time? Or maybe your daughter wants to try learning the art of origami? What about baking a cake? Painting pottery?

Whatever the activity may be, look for options that require at least a small amount of waiting. Aim for time spans that are long enough to encourage patience, but short enough your kids won’t lose sight of the reward at the end of the wait.

Not only will they start to develop a healthy understanding of what it takes to be patient, but you’ll also be filling their need for positive attention by spending time together. With this, you’ll start to see a reduction in the number of power struggles they throw your way.

What a win!

free parenting class

Tip #4: Have a Visible Schedule

More often than not, our children retain information much better when presented in a visual format. So, if you’re trying to teach patience, creating a schedule or calendar you can display in your home can be incredibly helpful.

Not only will this help them understand precisely when something is going to happen, but it will also give you a tool to reference anytime they come asking questions.

Your 4-year-old may ask, “Mommy, when are we getting on a plane to go visit Nana?”

“It’s written on the calendar. Why don’t you go count how many days you have left to wait?”

See? So simple!

Ensure that the schedule is displayed in a prominent place in your household, like the kitchen or living room. You can also dress it up and make it fun or colorful–especially if you have younger kids! 

Make sure that both the start and end dates are clearly labeled. Then, add a sticker, move a magnet, or X-out each day between now and the big event. It may also help younger children if you detail out everything you plan on doing until then.

On Monday, we do our laundry. On Tuesday, we pack our bags. On Wednesday, we head to the airport. On Thursday, we see Nana!

You can review your family’s schedule at your weekly Family Meeting so everyone gets a feel for the rhythm of the week–and learns that the all-important trip, birthday, playdate, or whatever will happen eventually.

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions® Members, be sure to check out Step 6 of the 7-Step Parenting Success System® course to learn more about running an efficient, informative, and FUN Family Meeting.

Having a visible schedule is also incredibly handy on road trips. After all, what parent hasn’t fallen victim to the ever-dreadful question:

“Are we there yet?”

As the schedule starts to become a standard reference in your children’s lives, you’ll begin to notice their impatience waning. 

Tip #5: Use a Timer 

Much like the schedule, using a timer is another tangible way to help your child better understand time moving forward. When he can see the end in sight, waiting patiently is much easier. 

One of my favorite timers on the market is the Time Timer. This helpful little gadget will show your child the passage of time in a way that’s easy to comprehend. An hourglass sand timer is another excellent alternative for shorter periods, like brushing teeth or washing hands.

Note: Avoid countdown timers, as kids have a hard time processing this type of information.

Here’s how using a visual timer could play out in your home…

After a long day of working from home, you only have a few more tasks to complete today’s work. It shouldn’t take you more than 10 minutes. But virtual school has already let out, and your 5-year-old is now begging for his special time with you.  

First off, don’t drop everything and cater to him (remember Tip #1?). Why?

Because this is an excellent opportunity for a little lesson in patience! Of course, you can always help him out a little by letting him experience the wait along with something to show the passage of time. 

Simply say, “I can’t wait for our special time, either. I have two more things to do for work, and then we can be together. To help you out, I’m going to set a timer for 10 minutes so you know when I’ll be ready.”

By acknowledging your child’s anxious enthusiasm AND providing a tool to help them cope, you are no longer the “keeper of the time.” The timer is the boss! 

Tip #6: Demonstrate Patience 

I know, I know. This may be the hardest one of all, but also the most important. 

Because, even when we are at our worst, our kids are always watching and learning from us. If we want them to be patient little humans, we can’t talk the talk unless we walk the walk, too.

That means personally exercising and demonstrating patience every single day.

You may feel the need to honk your horn and swear at the car in front of you in a feeble attempt to make traffic move faster, but don’t forget the little ears listening from the backseat. 

Instead, fight the urge to give in to impatience. Come up with a fun car game to pass the time or crank up the tunes to enjoy a rush-hour jam session.

Or, instead of getting angry at the grocery store clerk for moving too slowly, try offering up an understanding sentiment about why the wait may be taking so long. 

“Maybe he’s had a tough day, or perhaps the computer is running slowly.”

Demonstrating patience in your daily life is a great way to lead by example. But don’t forget, you must also show patience with your children as well.

That means curbing the urge to yell or scream when you find them wrestling in the living room or using a Calm Voice even in the midst of a toddler temper tantrum.

I get it. Sometimes it feels like no one can push our buttons quite like our own children. Show them some grace and be patient with them anyway. After all, we’re the ones with years of experience under our belts.

Our kids are just now learning. Teach them patience by being patient with them.

I promise, you won’t regret it.

Final Thoughts

Our children are little mirrors of our own selves. If we want to teach them to wait without agitation, we can’t do it if we don’t have a handle on the skill ourselves. 

Using these 6 tips is a wonderful start–but it’s just the first step! In fact, it’s best if you think of this path as more of a lifelong journey; one we must walk alongside our little ones.

Parenting is a learning process, one I happen to know a lot about. So, please, read our blogs, try our FREE WEBINAR, and sign up for the proven 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training program.

We’re here to help in any way we can!

5 Ways to Raise Socially Responsible Kids

boy picking up trashIt’s Friday–the BEST day of the week–and 12-year-old Sam is walking to school. 

A piece of trash blows across his path before getting stuck in the chain-link fence. Along with school essays, sandwich wrappers, and crushed soda cans, it’s now part of a collage of debris, hopelessly clinging to the metal barrier as the wind blows through. 

How disgusting, he thinks. Something has to be done.

The following day, Sam wakes up early and heads back to school. He wishes he could have slept in, had a big breakfast, maybe played some video games with his friends. But he couldn’t get that fence off his mind.

Armed with a picking stick and an extra-large trash bag, Sam spends his morning clearing the fence of all the trash. It’s not a glamorous job by any stretch of the imagination, but he beams with pride when the task is complete.

He discards the trash and heads home, ready for the weekend fun to begin.

Suppose this scenario leaves you thinking, What an awesome kid! His parents should be so proud. If so, you are certainly not alone. 

But more likely than not, you’ve got something else on your mind. You may be wondering: 

What did Sam’s parents do to raise such a socially responsible boy? And how can I do the same?

Fortunately, I have excellent news for you. You can raise socially responsible kids just like Sam! 

In my years as a positive parenting educator, I’ve had the pleasure of helping over 100,000 families across the world learn how to bring joy back into their parenting journeys. Whether through my FREE WEBINAR, following along on social media, or remaining full members of the Positive Parenting Solutions® family–they all have one thing in common…

The desire to raise kind, compassionate, and well-behaved children.

Let’s get started! But first…

What Does it Mean to Be Socially Responsible?

The term “social responsibility” is thrown around a lot, particularly in the corporate world. We often relate philanthropic or charitable ventures to large companies and their commitment to their communities.

But social responsibility isn’t only intended for Fortune 500 companies. It can be boiled down to the most basic, individual level. 

Simply put, social responsibility is the ethical idea that as humans, we have a greater responsibility to work with others for society’s good. Our actions have consequences, and we should work to ensure that our impact on others and the world is positive.

So now that you know what it means to be socially responsible, here are 5 ways you can raise socially responsible kids.

#1: Model Generosity and Accountability

quote about generosity

Generosity is a two-way street. You get what you give.

This reciprocal relationship is precisely the reason why you should model generosity for your children–because they will eventually send it right back at you!

It’s so easy to let our love for our children spill out in obvious ways. We give them hugs, have one-on-one time with them, leave little notes in their lunchboxes–the sky’s the limit when it comes to showing them how much we care.

So be generous with your caring attitude. They’re always watching and will likely reflect that out onto the world.

But don’t stop there! It’s equally important to make a point of being generous to other people as well. I’m talking about friends, family, co-workers, and even strangers.

Grab an extra coffee on a chilly morning for your son’s school crossing guard. Wait five more seconds to hold the door for the person behind you. Grab that stray shopping cart and put it away as you walk into the grocery store.

Having an outwardly generous attitude is such a simple way to make a significant impact on your children.

The same goes for accountability! 

One of the best ways to do this is to be upfront about taking responsibility for your actions. When you’re wrong, admit your mistake and ask for forgiveness when necessary. 

“I’m sorry I lost my temper and yelled at you this morning. Can you forgive me?”

It’s also very important to own up to your obligations.

“I brought this picnic lunch with me to the park today, so it’s MY responsibility to throw away the trash before leaving.”

If you intend to raise children with good values, you must actively exercise those values in front of them every single day. Trust me, after a while, it’ll feel like second nature to you, and they’ll catch on to those important lessons.

#2: Pick a Volunteer Project

If simply uttering the word “project” scares you away, I completely understand. After all, no one wants one more thing added to their already endless to-do list.

But I promise this type of project isn’t meant to be another chore for you or your kids to tackle. In fact, you may even find it, dare I say…enjoyable!

Volunteering is a beautiful way for your children to understand what it means to help others. It opens their eyes to the world around them while also instilling a sense of accomplishment and pride. 

Because many kids learn best through hands-on, interactive environments, choosing volunteer opportunities that keep them active and engaged significantly increases the lesson payoff. So, keep an eye out for options that fit that bill.

Let’s get you started with a few ideas the whole family can participate in–from toddlers to grandparents!

  • Participate in or organize a park cleanup.
  • Donate toys, food, or clothing to a local shelter.
  • Participate in a 5K Fun Run for a good cause. 
  • Explore your artistic side by making art for residents at a local assisted living or nursing facility.
  • Recycle used goods from around the house.

If you’re looking for ideas for your older children to take part in, here are a few options:

  • Volunteer at a food pantry.
  • Rake leaves, mow the lawn, or shovel snow for an elderly neighbor.
  • Make no-sew fleece blankets for a children’s hospital. 
  • Help out at an animal rescue, or make and deliver dog toys to shelters.
  • Tutor younger students.
  • Volunteer at a blood drive.
  • Organize a group to adopt a highway.

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#3: Focus on Empowerment

As parents, it can be hard to loosen the reins and allow our kids to grow independently

We do things like pack their lunches, clean up their rooms, and remember their homework, even when they’re old enough to do it themselves. Why? Maybe because it’s easier, or we simply don’t feel like dealing with the whining when we ask them to do it themselves.

But the truth of the matter is, when we do everything for them, we fail to empower them to do it on their own.

And if there is one thing all children–both girls and boys–need, it’s to feel empowered! 

And in case you didn’t see it coming, this absolutely applies to making socially responsible decisions.

While it’s easy to ask your 3-year-old to put away the toys another child left out, you’d want your older child to do it on his own. Not because he was asked to do the right thing, but because he knew he could because you empowered him to believe in himself.

You might say, “You are a competent and capable young man. I have confidence you know when to do the right thing.”

You’d also expect your teenage daughter not to stick her gum underneath the desk or leave her empty soda can on the steps outside of school. 

“I’m so glad you understand how important it is to leave a space as clean as you found it.” 

Just be sure to keep your comments on the encouraging side rather than doling out the flowery praise.

Pro Tip: Learn how to shift your language from praising to encouraging with these 27 Encouraging Phrases, free and in your inbox within minutes!

So you may be wondering, What does empowerment have to do with raising socially responsible kids?

The answer is simple. Empowered children empower others. Not just with their words, but with their actions as well.

Children who feel capable and confident to make decisions that better the world around them will ultimately serve as the catalyst for more positive change. These kids don’t just want to make the world a better place. They go out and do it!

quote about empowered children

#4: Have a “We” Mentality, Not a “Me” Mentality

As adults, we know the world is a huge place, filled with billions of people and trillions of problems. But for our kids, it can be hard to see past their own small bubbles. 

They have a mentality that shouts, “Me, me, me!” But if you want to get them less focused on themselves and more focused on others (the very heart of social responsibility!), you need to help them shift that thinking to “We, we, we!”

Picture this…

You pull up to the school pick-up line only to find your 10-year-old daughter standing there red-faced and fuming. 

When you ask what’s made her so upset, she tells you right away.

“Allison asked Samantha to be her partner on the history project, even though she KNOWS Samantha is MY best friend! She should be MY partner, not Allison’s.”

You feel for your daughter and don’t want to see her upset, but a part of you is also left wondering: What’s the big deal?

The thing is, the problem may seem minor to you. But to your daughter, it is a big deal (even if it’s selfish).

So how can you get her to shift her mindset from a “me” mentality to a “we” mentality??

As mentioned earlier, one great option is to get them more involved in the community through volunteer efforts. Don’t aim to raise kids who volunteer simply for the sake of image or college admissions. Instead, help ignite their hearts with a desire to create real, positive change by helping those around them.

Encouraging their participation in team sports, band, or choir is another fantastic opportunity to help guide them out of that self-focused state. Not only will they have to learn to rely on others for the good of the whole, but they’ll also gain valuable insight into working as one cohesive unit.

Holding regular Family Meetings is a powerful way to get your family solving problems and making decisions as a team. With the hands-on practice they’ll get every week, they’ll learn how to respectfully bring up their concerns and find solutions for everyone, from the oldest person at the table to the very youngest.

Finally, if you have multiple children, make sure you’re allowing them the opportunity to work together to accomplish household contributions and volunteer efforts. Justin can wash the dishes, Erica can dry, and Kate gets to put them away! 

Solo work is great, but what better way to get them out of that “me” mindset than by working closely with their own siblings? And as a nice little bonus, this one-on-one sibling time may even lead to less fighting and rivalry.

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions® Members can find 10 Tips for Sibling Harmony in Step 5 of The 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training program.

#5: Assign Family Contributions

Can I tell you something very important that many families overlook? 

Every single member of the family (no matter how young or how much they complain) must contribute for the family to function successfully.

That’s right, from toddler to grandparent, everyone brings something of value to the table! Mom and Dad may go to work and provide for the family, but we all know it takes a lot more than that to keep a household running smoothly. 

There are meals to be made, schedules to keep, chores to do–the list goes on and on. Fortunately, kids can help! And the great thing is, they want to feel essential to the family because it provides them with a hefty dose of belonging and significance.

Because your kids want to feel needed and important to your family, you can capitalize on that desire by allowing them to contribute in meaningful ways. Make their efforts even more socially relevant by labeling them as Family Contributions.

Kids are often way more capable than parents give them credit for, so it’s important to sit down and figure out which jobs (contributions) they can do around the house regularly.

If you have toddlers, try asking them to help you by turning off the lights while being carried, carrying in the mail, or refilling the pet food bowls. Trust me, they’ll love it!

Older children can help clean the bathrooms, rake leaves, take the dog for a walk–there are so many choices! And don’t forget, your driving teens can help cart their younger siblings around or go on a quick grocery run.

No matter what the job is, they’ll benefit greatly–especially when they see what positive impact their contributions have on the family unit. 

Helpful Hint: Need more ideas for chores for every age? Download my FREE and instant Chores for Kids Bundle!

Final Thoughts

Your children don’t need their sights set on saving the rainforest or significant social change to make a difference in the world. Social responsibility can happen on the micro-level. In fact, it’s often in those small areas of generosity and good conscience that those seeds are best sown.

By putting a little extra effort into broadening their horizons and helping them think outside themselves, you’ll be well on your way to raising kind and compassionate social citizens.

Why a Feelings Wheel Supports Your Positive Parenting Journey

little girl covering her face with feelings emojislittle girl covering her face with feelings emojis

little girl covering her face with feelings emojis

Feelings make us human. They’re constant, primal–and kids can go through about a dozen of them in ten brief minutes.

Luckily, whether your child is a teary toddler or a raging teen, there’s a shortcut to deciphering them. 

In 1980, Robert Plutchik developed what he called the Wheel of Emotions. Shortly afterwards, in 1982, Gloria Willcox published The Feeling Wheel: A Tool for Expanding Awareness of Emotions and Increasing Spontaneity and Intimacy. 

Countless versions of the feelings wheel now abound. You can find one shaped like a pizza, another using emojis, and even a wheel turned into a board game.

No matter the version you use, each one dives into the intricacies of human sentiment. But for this particular article, we’ll be referring specifically to Dr. Robert Plutchik’s 2016 wheel (shown below).

Dr. Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions
The goal of the Wheel is to help people understand and identify not only what they feel, but the specifics of those feelings. Because sometimes, it’s not enough–or doesn’t feel quite right–to say you’re sad, happy, or scared: especially when somebody’s hiding in the closet over a homework assignment they would’ve sailed through last week.

There’s actually SO much more going on. 

How to Navigate the Wheel of Emotions

The middle and outer rings represent the primary and secondary feelings that constitute mainstream emotions.

The center, like a pinpointed bullseye, represents the extreme version of those emotions. 

Because emotions are notoriously complex, the pastel in-between spaces are labeled to show how different emotions can also blend together.  

The Wheel is also designed to mirror contrasting feelings. The opposite of ecstasy, for example, is grief. Both are found on symmetrically opposite sides of the circle.

The Wheel also enlists the help of colors to visually group, separate emotions, and intensify emotions. 

But despite exploring feelings that are as varied as a Pantone palette, how can we truly apply the Wheel of Emotions to our daily lives and positive parenting journeys? 

Positive parenting is all about using tools to manage obstacles. It’s also about getting to the core of problems. (Our FREE Webinar offers a glimpse into these tools and this mindset.) 

Luckily, the Wheel is another tool designed with similar strategic advantages in mind. 

The following are a few practical applications to make you ask, “Where has this been my whole life?”

Locate the Root of Misbehavior

Misbehavior is tricky. You know the saying: If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it’s a duck.

Well, when it comes to misbehavior, that’s not the case. It’s usually a sign of something else entirely. 

Positive parenting stresses that kids who misbehave aren’t bad. Instead, they lack the skills to manage their emotions.

Maybe they don’t feel like they belong with their peer group. Or, they feel insignificant because parents rarely make time to play with them. They may even feel a lack of control. This, in turn, tempts kids to act out to gain attention and power–even if our response (or the response from their peers) is negative.

You see, more than anything, kids long to feel capable, respected, and valued. 

Lately, it seems like your teenage daughter is mad about everything. There could be a million reasons why, but before you jump to conclusions about the difficulties of raising teenagers, consult the Wheel of Emotions. 

When you locate rage at the center of the circle and the emotions that stem from that category, what do you see?

Your daughter could be feeling annoyed because of a friend’s new boyfriend, or angry because she’s struggling to understand her homework. What’s least likely is that she’s raging for no reason.

Instead of chalking up her behavior to a teen stereotype, shrugging it off, or returning her rage with MORE rage, try finding the root of the problem. 

I’m not suggesting nagging and prying. But now is a good time to ask questions to help her open up and explain what’s going on. 

Your opening can be as simple as “Something seems to be bothering you. I want you to know that I’m here if there’s anything you’d like to tell me or something I can help you with.”

Finding the core reason behind misbehavior saves everyone’s sanity and confusion. It also eliminates the need to use ineffective and inapplicable parenting strategies, like punishment.

Choose Problem-Solving Over Punishment 

Punishment (as defined in Positive Discipline as any tactic that causes a child blame, shame, or pain) is a reactive behavior that many parents routinely employ when kids misbehave. The dilemma is, punishment focuses on the behavior itself; it never pries open the reason behind that behavior to aid in fixing it long-term. 

Punishment isn’t designed to identify problems. So naturally, it can never be the solution. 

The Wheel of Emotions can help by keeping us proactive. For example, there’s no need to spank a 3-year-old for purposefully smearing toothpaste all over the counter to catch your eye. It may be tempting, considering your own rage welling up inside. But it’s not going to stop the misbehavior.

punishment isn't a solution

Instead, consider that your toddler–if he is making a mess to get your attention–is feeling angry. When implementing the Wheel in this scenario, you will see that the opposite of anger is fear

So, it’s possible that your son is angry because he’s actually afraid of being undervalued. Maybe you haven’t had as much one-on-one time with him lately, or you’ve been expressing frustration with his behavior. Once again, children need to feel significant, valued, and loved. 

Perhaps your 8-year-old daughter has been acting unusually pensive. She seems to have a lot on her young mind.  On the Wheel, the opposite of pensive is serene. So, her pensiveness may be related to an inability to find a solution, and/or peace with a friend, new curriculum at school, a sibling, etc. 

Your best bet in these two situations is to implement two Positive Parenting Solutions® tools: MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® activities–which remind our children how much we love and support them, despite our busy schedules–and the Decision-Rich Environment tool, which enriches attitudes, self-confidence, problem-solving, and a feeling of power.  

Using the Wheel, you can apply an associated, proactive tool to troubleshoot behavior and eliminate ineffective, punitive measures. 

Pro Tip: For Positive Parenting Solutions® members, please review MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® activities and the Decision-Rich Environment tool in Steps 1 and 3 of the course.

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The Benefits of Helping Kids Identify Big Emotions

There’s no denying it–kids are born with their emotions. 

The tantrum your 2-year-old threw yesterday? It was almost shocking to see so much toil and rage unleashed from such a tiny little body.

One of the best ways to help our kids, even at their earliest levels of verbal comprehension, is to help them identify and label these powerful, instinctive sentiments. 

Nothing can be more exasperating, even for adults, than not being able to identify what’s bothering us. But when kids can validate powerful emotions with a label, they feel less overwhelmed.

Perhaps your 2-year-old is losing her mind over the popsicle melting all over her hands. She’s learning the sun melts things faster than she can eat them, and she’s enraged! 

The Wheel reminds us that annoyance, anger, and rage are all closely related. We can calmly get down on our daughter’s level, face to face, wait for the tears and screaming to subside, and explain that her frustration is making her mad. 

“I know you’re irritated that your hands are messy and half your popsicle is gone. I get it! You’re angry.”

Naming the feelings behind big tantrums is one of the best ways to quell them. Instead of suppressing emotions, it alleviates them through acknowledgment and empathy. 

Kids learning to label emotions will also have an easier time with anxiety, depression, and aggression. And fewer of their troubles will be pent-up and/or brushed aside. 

By speaking openly about feelings, kids will also be more willing to share their thoughts and concerns with us. As parents, it’s imperative to preserve communication channels for the many challenges and hurdles to come. 

Maybe your teenage son just failed his history exam while all his friends aced it. When you ask how the test went, he says, “I don’t want to talk about it, but let’s just say I’m stupid.” 

Feelings of ineptitude, according to Gloria Willcox’s Wheel, make people melancholy. Using this knowledge, you can say, “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but when people feel inferior or like they’ve failed in some way, it’s natural to feel sad.”

While you’ll want to jump into ‘fixing’ feelings or make them out to be less than you think they should be, recognizing them first is crucial. Then, you can use encouragement to focus on a better approach.  

“I understand your feelings, but I also want you to know you aren’t stupid. That is a terrible, unfair word. All intelligent people fail sometimes. They simply need to try again–maybe with a little help or support.”

Explaining to kids why they feel those negative emotions–and then adding encouragement–guides kids towards surmounting them.

The Wheel of Emotions Teaches Emotional Problem-Solving 

Detecting the true problem behind any emotion–or a set of them– is only the first part of the equation. 

Once kids have recognized and even vocalized their emotions, the next step is to use this knowledge to solve emotional problems.

One way to do this is to look to the opposing side of the Wheel to find an appropriate antidote. 

Your 16-year-old daughter might be disgusted by everything, from the way boys act at school to the way you sing in the shower and cheer her on at basketball practice. While studying the Wheel with your daughter and helping her identify her emotions, you both see that the opposing emotion to disgust is trust.  

This might help decipher what’s really going on. Perhaps your daughter is starting to individuate herself from you and her peers. This isn’t just teen angst, per se…it’s the normal process young adults go through when deciding who they are and how that differs from their friends and the parents who are raising them.

Imagine a 4-year-old who acts profoundly bored every time you try to introduce him to the piano. It may seem like he’s acting rude when you ask him to listen to his instructor and he just stares off into space. But, per the Wheel, he just may not be interested in it.  

You can try to inspire him with some amazing examples of piano virtuosos or talk about the interesting things pianists do (alongside a ton of practice), but if he’s still bored, it may not be the right fit at the right time.

There are always actions we can take to analyze and combat negative feelings and actions, and the Wheel of Emotions offers an inspiring menu of options. Not everything can be healed all at once, though, as many solutions take commitment and time. 

At first, we can always walk kids through long-term and short-term problem-solving techniques. Then, after some practice, we can rely on them to tackle issues on their own.  

Before long, our children will gain more independence and emotional intelligence. 

What could be more empowering?

Final Thoughts

Don’t forget to connect to your own emotions! 

The Wheel of Emotions doesn’t just apply to kids. It’s designed for us, too. (Gloria Willcox’s Feeling Wheel contains one or two adult-specific emotions). 

After all, how can we empathize with kids and help them analyze their emotions when we don’t understand our own feelings? 

Before using a Wheel to dissect your teenager’s latest mood mystery or your 6-year-old’s tendency to feel discouraged at school, try implementing it when you feel overwhelmed by an emotion yourself. 

Like most things, kids learn best by example. If we are masters of our own self-reflection, our kids will follow suit. If we sympathize through understanding and relatability, our kids will become more empathetic. And if we communicate well through it all, they likely will, too. 

It’s always beneficial to maintain perspective. A child coming across as unnecessarily mean, scared, or moody has a reason for it. By using an outside source of analysis, we can process their actions and attitudes less personally and more objectively. 

And don’t forget–the Wheel is just one way to contemplate emotions. Not all emotions are represented, and many can be experienced at once. But when used as a resource, it can help us stay more attuned to our family’s desires and deficiencies and assist our kids through emotional growing pains. 

Morning Routines You and Your Kids Can Master

young girl tired sleeping at breakfast tableyoung girl tired sleeping at breakfast table

young girl tired sleeping at breakfast table

You wake up two minutes before your phone alarm goes off, feeling well-rested. As you pull on your robe, you hear the kids laughing and getting along. You roll downstairs to see them already fully dressed, lunches packed, eating a nutritious breakfast. 

Gosh, you think. It’s only Monday, but this week is going to be great! I must be doing something right. 

While patting yourself on the back for raising such civilized children, you hear a faint, jarring sound. 

It gets louder, quickly becoming annoyingly deafening…

“Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!”

Oh, fudge. 

That’s your alarm, you’ve overslept, and your perfect morning is about to get real.

It’s time to hit the ground running. 

Forget about whether you’re a morning person or you woke up on the “right” or “wrong” side of the bed. Forget if you’re already straining to recall the foggy details of a wishful dream. And forget if your kids always seem to turn what would be peaceful mornings into madness.

For a successful start to any family’s day, a solid morning routine is what’s needed.

Here’s how to tame your morning mania:

Make Routine Your Best Friend Forever

Routines are regimented and repetitive. They seem boring and blasé. 

But when it comes to de-stressing and streamlining your daily life, morning rituals are your number one ally.

Why do routines work so well? 

First, even though kids love to push boundaries, they thrive on predictability. And parents do too. 

When kids know what’s expected of them, it’s easier to comply. They also feel comfortable in the confines of a reliable structure. 

But frenzy, complication, and stress? No one thrives on that. 

Second, routines are easier on our bodies. Anyone getting up at the same time every day–with sufficient sleep–will eventually find that waking up is easier. This means waking up at the same time on weekends, holidays, and all through summer break. 

And even though younger kids tend to jump out of bed while teenagers tend to sleep in, children of any age can train their bodies to follow a healthy circadian rhythm. 

It may take a little time and commitment. But to nail down a great routine, rehearsal is the perfect place to start.

Here are 3 quick strategies to ensure your routines run like clockwork…

Pro Tip: For Positive Parenting Solutions® Members, please review the Ultimate Survival Guide: Taming Morning Mania. We narrow down the 5 tools that lead to well-behaved kids (and dreamy, seamless mornings).

1. Take Time for Training

Practice makes mornings perfect–or, at least, much more manageable. 

No routines are ever flawless. Nor are they learned immediately. Tasks need to be tested and kinks worked out. Routines are always, at least to a small extent, an evolving work in progress. 

Still, the first step is to train children for what’s expected of them. 

If you want your kids to suddenly wake up and make their beds, get themselves dressed, brush their hair and teeth, eat a wholesome breakfast, pack their lunches, put homework in their backpacks, feed the dog…they are going to need a little guidance. 

We often overlook that kids aren’t born knowing how to accomplish basic tasks. Even older kids suddenly charged with more responsibility might have a learning curve. 

How long should they be brushing their teeth? How do they make their beds nicely? Where can they find clean pants? Is a brownie for lunch acceptable? How much food goes in the dog bowl, and which type? 

These are questions kids need answered before solidly executing what we ask of them.

So before you hand your kids a long list of jobs for their morning routine, be sure to Take Time for Training. This is a powerful tool that gives children the skills they need to complete tasks while increasing their own capabilities. 

Just like adults, when kids feel capable and empowered, they are more likely to confidently and successfully complete their list of to-dos. 

2. Use a When/Then Routine

As all parents know, just because we ask our kids to do something doesn’t mean they’ll do it. 

We can plead for them to cooperate, but their willpower and defiance can stand in the way. 

This is the time to implement a When/Then Routine. It’s especially useful when learning a new set of rules or morning schedule. 

If your kindergartener refuses to make his bed, simply state, When you’ve made your bed like we practiced yesterday, Ethan, then you can go downstairs and eat your yummy breakfast.” 

It’s important to note that the then portion of the request isn’t a reward. It’s just something more enjoyable, albeit normally allowed, than the task they’re complaining about. 

Once realizing you won’t budge and that he really won’t get breakfast until he’s made the bed, Ethan will eventually comply. 

The When/Then Routine might take some time to go smoothly at first. It depends on how long kids delay completing the requested task. But soon, the When/Then Routine becomes a habit and less and less of a struggle. 

Truth Bomb: Parents sometimes take for granted that kid priorities are different from adult priorities. Unlike laser-focused parents, kids get distracted and look for opportunities to maximize play. But the more we encourage them to stick to their routines, the more they’ll stay on track. 

kid priorities are different from parent priorities

No matter what time of year you’re tackling a new routine, just be sure to test it out first. It could be a warm spring weekend or a week before a new school year starts. But always allow a grace period–and gracious attitude–for kids to make mistakes, learn, and start anew.

The result is that kids will be more self-sufficient in no time. 

3. Plan for Punctuality 

You may be a person who marches to the beat of your own drum and the tick of your own clock. 

Or, maybe, if you aren’t 10 minutes early, you feel late. 

While we may think the ability to be punctual is a deeply-rooted character trait–the truth is, it directly relates to a person’s morning routine. 

Besides consistency, building a cushion of time into any routine is essential. And this isn’t just during the training period.

Daily life has unlimited variables. There could be a traffic accident, your preschooler could wake up with a bloody nose, or the cereal bowl could decide to be slippery in your daughter’s hands and spill all over the clean floor. 

Even a well-mastered routine is going to be thwarted by these minor hiccups, and that’s okay. But keeping ourselves calm–and punctual–despite these little obstacles is easier when we build in some leeway. 

If you’re in the habit of getting up at the last minute and cutting it down to the wire, or your kids are constantly late to school, don’t underestimate the time it takes for your family to complete your morning routine. Exaggerate the time and then add 10-20 minutes. 

Of course, it’s easier said than done. As with any morning routine, waking up early can be the hardest part. 

Now that you have the tips to create the framework for a successful morning routine, here are some other strategies for turning morning madness into morning magic.

Sleep for Success 

The next, mandatory step to morning success is a solid bedtime routine.

Positive parenting is about unraveling the foundation of misbehavior. It’s finding the root of the problem. And that can be more complex than it seems.

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Similarly, when hectic mornings still abound after strong routines are implemented, the culprit could be the lack of sleep from nights prior. 

Singers say the note before the high note is the foundation of a beautiful, sustained pitch. Athletes envision success the night before a game to perform better the next day. 

So, set your family up for success by going to bed earlier. Or, at the very least, on time. 

Adults and kids alike need a lot of sleep. And most of us don’t get enough. 

Electricity and technology, while amazing, are keeping us awake at night. So, we can start by keeping our kids and ourselves away from screens two hours before bed every night. This includes iPads, smartphones, social media, and TV

Next, we can add a consistent bedtime. Just like getting up at the same time every morning, going to bed at the same time every night trains our bodies to fall asleep faster and more easily. 

We also need to make sure bedtime is early enough to allow plenty of sleep per night. This time may be different for each child, but until kids can wake up feeling mostly refreshed, keep testing earlier bedtimes. 

No one is destined for a good morning when they’re grumpy and sleep-deprived. 

Structure Your Own Mornings–Like a Boss

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then let’s set good examples for the kids that so lovingly look up to us. 

Successful daily routines for our kids largely rely on our positive attitudes. If we feel calm and in control, our kids will pick up on that and reflect it. Conversely, our stress can show up in their actions, like resistance, dawdling, and backtalk.

I know. It’s hard to feel in control when life is so hectic, and the to-do list is so long it makes your head spin. 

So, what can you do?

Wake Up Before Your Kids

Start by getting up at least a half-hour before everyone else. 

If lack of sleep is an issue, set yourself an earlier bedtime, just like the kids. Then, just do it. Get up earlier. 

Waking up before your kids’ feet hit the floor allows you the chance to compose yourself, use the restroom in peace, work out, check your email, and even make and drink a cup of coffee before the kids wake up and add to the equation. It gives you much-needed “me” time before you have to be “on” for everyone else. (It may be your only “alone” time during the day!) 

Parenthood will always have its moments: occasionally we’ll wake up to kids staring at us, jumping on us, or startling us awake by screaming and tattling on one other

While these do make funny memories, not every morning has to be as jarring. Most mornings, we can give ourselves time to stretch luxuriously, get out of bed on our own, and mentally prepare for the rest of the day. 

It really makes a world of difference.  

Simplify Your Tasks

Another way to make morning routines easier is to complete as much prep work as possible the day before. 

Suggest that your kids–especially the fashion-conscious ones–pick out the clothes they’d like to wear the next day before they go to bed. Help them get in the habit of putting completed homework in their backpacks the day before, not the morning it’s due. Ask them to accompany you for weekend grocery shopping, so they can plan what they’ll pack in their lunches that week. 

Just like routines themselves, the act of simplifying takes practice and training. So, be patient. Consider hanging up a routine chart that reminds kids of the to-do list until they have it memorized. (Pro Tip: For the younger kids, be sure your routine chart includes pictures!)

And don’t forget to make things easier on yourself, too. Start with an uncomplicated breakfast that doesn’t sacrifice healthy options. Defrost already prepared pancakes, serve pre-cut fruit, or even train the kids to make their own oatmeal. 

Most mornings will eventually go smoothly. Just don’t be frazzled by occasional mishaps. 

Prepare for Challenges

Yes, routines should be as consistent as possible, but there are times when we have to be flexible. 

Because life happens. 

As a general rule, we don’t want to stray from our routine wake-up time. But what if a late-night trip to the emergency room or an overseas vacation messes with our schedules? 

Changes to our routines can leave lingering effects for a few days. The important thing to remember is that it’s normal to have some setbacks. Whether it’s childhood sleep regression or any number of outside influences, just do your best to take glitches one day at a time and slowly melt back to a regular routine. 

And don’t forget it’s normal for kids to slip up in their routines and push boundaries. 

Instead of nagging and brandishing punishment when kids don’t “stick to the program,” allow them to make these mistakes. Then, implement two Positive Parenting Solutions® tools; the No Rescue Policy and Natural Consequences. 

The No-Rescue Policy means that when your teenager forgets to put his homework in his backpack the night before, you won’t remind him that it’s missing–or run it to school for him. 

In order to use the No-Rescue Policy effectively, be sure your child is well-trained on the expectation ahead of time and work with him to create systems to remember in the future.

“I’ve noticed you have a hard time remembering your homework after a late lacrosse practice. You’re responsible enough to manage your sports schedule AND your homework, so next time you forget your homework, I won’t be bringing it to school. Do you want to brainstorm some visual reminders to cue you before you leave the house in the morning?”

The key to the No-Rescue Policy is that children are well-aware of the expectation and not being blind-sided. Otherwise, kids may feel angry and betrayed when suddenly learning THIS is the day we will no longer redeem them. 

After your strategic lack of involvement, Natural Consequences will soon follow. And the result of missing homework–be it zero credit for the work completed or a lower grade–will teach your teenager to be better organized and prepared next time.

Final Thoughts

Happier, efficient mornings really are within your grasp. But caffeine or decaf, summer or fall, five kids or one, your best bet is to find a morning routine and stick to it. 

Just know that the first few days–or even weeks–of any new routine will require some willpower and dedication. But I’m confident; before long, the mornings you used to dream about will come true.

Why Is It So Hard To Talk To Your Tween or Teen?

group of teens talking with skateboards and phonesgroup of teens talking with skateboards and phones

group of teens talking with skateboards and phones

Guest post by Michelle Icard, speaker and author of Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen

So often as parents, we long to connect with our tweens and teens, to share wisdom we hope will spare them trouble, to share inspiration we hope will encourage growth, or simply because we adore and miss them. And so often, our best intentions are met with stone cold resistance.

You ask your daughter how her math test went and she grumbles, “Ugh, I don’t know! Why are you making this into a thing?!” 

Your son asks to download a new game but when you tell him you need to know the price first, he throws his hands up and yells, “It’s not fair! You never want me to have fun anymore.”

Remember when talking with your child was simpler? When you didn’t have to imagine all the possible landmines you might trigger before opening your mouth? What happened? 

Don’t worry. It’s not you. It’s them.

Understanding the Adolescent Construction Project

Every young adolescent embarks on a construction project to build the three things they need in order to become an adult. When I ask parents what they think those three things might be, they often suggest character traits like “responsibility,” “maturity” and “critical thinking.”

While these are all admirable qualities, and surely ones we want our children to grow into, we all know many adults who don’t have these mastered yet. It is quite possible to be an adult without hitting these targets. 

Your child’s current construction project consists of building three fundamental things they’ll need to become an adult: an adult brain, an adult body, and an adult identity.

An adult body is an easy concept for parents to grasp. Though puberty starts and progresses at slightly different rates for different kids, it follows a predictable and linear path. Plus, you can see it happening. From growth spurts to acne, you’re given lots of cues that your kid is on track and there is comfort in this confirmation. 

An adult brain is harder to see developing. One day, your child thinks rationally and communicates clearly. The next, they’re having a tantrum over chicken for dinner. Brain development often feels like it moves two steps forward, three steps back. 

An adult identity is my favorite piece of this puzzle, because it’s deeply rooted in social-emotional development–the part of adolescence I find most fascinating and intriguing. What does it mean to build an adult identity? Well, quite simply, it means figuring out who you are apart from your parents. 

Up to this point in your child’s life, you’ve handpicked most of the defining elements of their identity. You’ve orchestrated who they’ll have playdates with, chosen what clothes they’ll wear, and funneled your kids into sports, activities, and hobbies that suit your schedule, interests, or parent friend group.

Now, your child wants to make decisions for themselves, including who they hang out with, what they enjoy doing, and what clothes best express their new sense of self.

Okay. But why does this mean they won’t talk with me anymore?

Because of this neurological and developmental need to figure out who they are as an individual at the onset of adolescence, your child will begin to feel a deep and pressing need to begin separating from you. 

It’s a normal and natural part of becoming independent, albeit messy, and sometimes even painful. When this urge for independence asserts itself, your child will look for ways to establish their autonomy.

Breaking down communication is often a first step in this process. Think of it anthropologically. Language is what ties groups together. And suddenly, your child needs to start pulling away and forming ties elsewhere. 

It’s the reason tweens and teens begin adopting slang. This new way of talking serves to purposefully encode their relationships with friends, at the same time they exclude adults, often mocking their ability to understand. When I was 13, if my mom kindly offered me a warm coat before heading out the door, it like, gagged me with a spoon. 

This frustrates parents immensely because just at the age the world opens up–presenting new opportunities that are sometimes exciting, sometimes dangerous, and exactly when kids need the most guidance–they stop talking with us. 

There’s only one thing to do. When your child starts middle school, it’s time to learn a new language. 

amy mccready free parenting class

How do I learn to change the way I’ve always spoken?

For starters, I’m not suggesting you use slang. This tactic, used by some parents as a comedic approach, can be fun if it’s done minimally, good-naturedly, and if your teen plays along.

But when this approach is overused, passive aggressive, or even wholehearted, it usually ruins any attempt to engage your child. Leave that to their friends and instead, let’s look at a more practical (less humiliating) bridge to their world.

It’s simply time to change your approach. You can no longer rely on your old patterns. The humor that once brought forth reliable giggles now elicits eye rolls. A pat on the couch and invitation to snuggle is met with a hasty backing out of the room. So, let’s look at new ways you can invite engagement.

In my book, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen, I offer a new model for overcoming your language obstacles. Like a Rosetta Stone for learning how to speak to your tween or teen, it includes which approaches and phrases encourage communication, and which shut it down.

Most importantly, it will introduce you to a new format for all your conversations, whether you’re broaching big, thorny topics like a friendship breaking up or the pervasiveness of pornography, or trying to cover what ought to be simple topics like wearing deodorant or helping with household chores (that somehow still ignite a disproportionate response). I call this new approach the BRIEF model. 

BRIEF is an acronym, each letter representing a step in your conversation. But before I explain what each letter means, it’s important to point out that it spells brief for a reason.

Your tween or teen appreciates when conversations are short and succinct. Don’t focus on fitting everything into one talk. In fact, many brief conversations over time are more effective than one giant, “checked-the-box!” conversation.

And remember, a conversation is not a lecture. It takes two willing participants to have a good talk, so approach your tween or teen during a neutral or happy time, not when emotions are running high. 

Introducing the BRIEF Model

B – begin peacefully. Parents tell me the hardest part of talking to their tween or teen is knowing how to get started. The fear of being shut down leads many parents to skip hard conversations altogether, or to blurt out the most crucial information in what feels like their allotted ten seconds before their teen calls it quits.

Instead, start peacefully. This can be achieved by scheduling a time to talk later (no kid likes feeling ambushed) or by expressing gentle and broad curiosity about a subject rather than beginning by asking your child a personal question.

“We need to talk about vape. You haven’t tried it, have you?” is a good example of how not to start. Instead, you might open the conversation more subtly, as in “I read an article about kids vaping during class and wondered if it was an exaggeration. I’m curious if kids your age think adults are overreacting to vape.”

R – relate to your child. Your tween or teen may seem automatically defensive when you want to talk. You can disarm them by starting your conversation with empathy or relatability.

Establishing that you’ve felt or done similarly, or that you remember what it was like, is a nice way to get on the same page early. “When I was your age, vape didn’t exist but I can remember lots of people smoked. Cigarette companies even advertised to kids using cartoon characters.” 

I – interview for data. If you’re curious what your child knows or feels about a topic, ask, and do this with an open mind. You’re not asking them questions to catch them in a misunderstanding or to prove a point.

This is a very neutral, fact-finding mission meant to show what a calm and nonjudgmental listener you can be for them, as well as to establish some baseline facts for discussion. “Have you read anything about the lasting health effects of vape?”

E – echo what you hear. Now that you’ve heard what your child thinks, make sure you really understand. You might say something like, “This helps me understand. It sounds like you have seen vaping happen in and out of school, but it’s not as rampant as the news may make it seem. Is that right?”

F – feedback. This is last step but the place most parents begin, which is why conversations derail so quickly. Using the BRIEF model, you won’t give feedback, advice, or suggestions until the end, after you’ve earned your child’s trust by listening and not until you better understand their point of view and experience.

“I worry about the health side effects of vape and I know it can be a temptation for some people your age. My advice is this: you’ve always been good at taking care of yourself and I hope you’ll keep learning about this if it continues to be something people do around you. I think you’re smart enough to research it and make decisions that future you will thank current you for. I’m always available if you want to talk more about this.” 

You can use this new approach for all kinds of conversations. With practice, you’ll begin doing it naturally and seamlessly. I find that if you start implementing this with easy topics (“Thoughts on whether you’d like to do sleepaway camp again or look for a job next summer?”), your kids will warm up to bigger, meatier conversations (“How are your friends talking about consent after all the news surrounding the latest allegations of sexual harassment against that director?”).

You’ll mount more and more credibility as an easy person to talk with so that by the time your child faces the harder challenges of being an older teen, from broken hearts to social media missteps, you’ll have become a trusted advisor. 

If you’d like to learn more about this approach, my book is available for purchase at major booksellers and indie booksellers and you can learn more about my work at MichelleIcard.com or follow me on these platforms: Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter.

About Michelle Icard

michelle icardMichelle Icard (pronounced IKE-urd) is a speaker, author, and educator who helps kids, parents, and teachers navigate the complicated social world of early adolescence. Her latest book, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen (Harmony/Random House 2021) guides readers through the fourteen essential conversations parents need to have with their kids before they start high school. Her first book, Middle School Makeover: Improving the Way You and Your Child Experience the Middle School Years, is a primer for the social and emotional changes parents and kids navigate when mid-life meets middle school under one roof.

Michelle is a member of the TODAY Show parenting team and NBC News Learn. Her work has been featured in The Washington Post, The Chicago TribuneCNNTime, and People Magazine.