We parents spend a LOT of time in the car…shuttling from this practice to that rehearsal, from school to home, from doctor or dentist and the list goes on.
We long for a witty rapport, pleasant conversation — and sometimes peace and quiet. But, it’s the peace part that often seems elusive.
Backseat bickering and sibling squabbles reverberate off windows making us wish for a way to teleport back to the house in a hurry!
What’s a parent to do? You’ve tried yelling. Making idle threats. Or grounding them forever — but to no avail, right?
Even if you can get them to stop squabbling in the moment, you know those tactics don’t work in the long run and you’re likely to hear another round by the next stop sign.
For many families, EVERY meal feels less like a Norman Rockwell painting and more like a battle of epic proportions.
Mealtime is one of the biggest stressors for parents, especially those with little ones. Why? Because kids are winning!
Think about it – eating is one of the few things kids can legitimately control. Hard as we try – we can’t MAKE them eat. We can, however, help children make healthier, empowered choices – creating a WIN for parents AND kids.
Ready to “turn the tables” and put the mealtime melodrama to rest?
Is there an “art of giving?” I believe there is. Much like the creative inspiration that flows through paint brushes and poetry, giving is an individual expression of caring for someone or something beyond ourselves.
Most of us learn the art of giving in our childhoods. I remember how my mother coordinated a neighborhood bake-off so we could take sweet holiday treats to our local nursing home. With several other families, we delivered trays of goodies and sang carols for the residents. I remember how I felt as I witnessed gratitude through the eyes of elderly patients, some of whom could not speak.
Whether we’re talking about closing the front door, making a replica of the Alamo out of salt dough, or cleaning poor Goldie’s dirty tank, we all know it shouldn’t take threats, bribes, and every-three-minute “reminders” to get our kids to complete their responsibilities.
So why does it?
One thing is for sure: “Because I said so” doesn’t motivate this generation of savvy-yet-stubborn kids. And millions of parents are at their wit’s end trying to figure out how to get the cooperation they’re looking for.
Yes, you are the parent and while sometimes kids just have to do what they are told, the truth is, the authoritarian “Because I said so” method of parenting is on its way out. Collaboration and respect are replacing the top-down dominance of the previous generation.
Just like it would seem archaic for husbands to “demand” dinner on the table when they walk in the door from work and today’s bosses wouldn’t berate their employees for walking in five minutes late, parents shouldn’t depend on pure authority to get kids to toe the line.
We can attribute these changes to big societal shifts, seen everywhere from cable TV to social media, and they’re not changing back anytime soon.
Our kids see us respectfully negotiating with other adults all over the place, from the dinner table to the doctor’s office to the business calls we take at home.
The reign of cooperation has changed everything when it comes to parenting our kids, which is why “You’ll do it because I told you to” and “Just wait until your father gets home!” is more likely to invite a power struggle than getting our kids to jump into action.
What’s more, teachers and coaches treat kids with respect, and in turn, children perceive that this type of communication should be the norm–even at home.
Because of these societal changes, demanding compliance and depending on “Because I said so” will fuel more power struggles than most parents ever bargained for.
The good news is we can still help kids clean up their acts as long as we shift our parenting techniques.
4 Phrases to Use Instead of “Because I Said So”
1) “When…Then…”
The good news is we can get our kids to do their jobs in a timely manner–before their favorite show, for instance–without barking orders.
Instead, phrase your requests by saying, “When you’ve cleaned the trash out of the car, then you may enjoy your media time for the day.”
Then–and this is the most important part–completely ignore the grumbling to avoid a power struggle. Say it the same way every time (“When you’ve finished all your math problems, then you can go outside with your friends.”)
Soon your kids will leave the couch in a more timely manner and actually complete their responsibilities.
2) “Anything You Can Do To…”
If there’s one thing that drives kids crazy, it’s being bossed around, and can’t we all relate?
Instead, invite cooperation by sticking to respectful phrases when you could use a hand raking leaves or packing for the beach–the type of thing you’d say to your coworker.
Say, “Anything you can do to help us get ready for our beach trip would really be a huge help,” or, “Who can help me rake all these leaves into a giant pile before it rains?”
Although you’re not always guaranteed to get the help you’re looking for with these types of phrases, when your kids do pitch in they’ll feel much better about contributing on their terms, and will be more likely to do so in the future.
3) “What’s Your Plan For…?”
Why does it always seem that we’re more concerned with the Gettysburg diorama due on Friday than our kids are?
To ward off a week’s worth of nagging about it, instead simply ask, “What’s your plan for getting your diorama done in time?”
In addition to being more encouraging (it assumes they have a plan in place), this puts the ball firmly in their court–and gets them thinking about ways to get the job done, no nagging necessary.
4) “Asked and Answered.”
This tool, from Lynn Lott, MA, MMFT and co-author of the Positive Disciplineseries with Jane Nelsen, EdD, effectively stops whining in its tracks.
When kids whine about your decision not to allow them to roller-skate in the living room, for instance, respond with, “Have you heard of ‘asked and answered?'”
Then briefly review the question and answer (“Did you ask me if you could roller-skate in the living room?” “What was the answer?”).
Next, ask, “Do I seem like the kind of parent who would change her mind when you ask me the same thing over and over?”
At this point, the child will probably protest, roll her eyes, walk away, or a combination of these. Ignore it.
From now on, anytime your child repeats a question you’ve already answered, simply say “Asked and answered.” She’ll quickly get the point and stop whining so much.
Final Thoughts
Even though we’re living in a more cooperative age, remember that you still hold the authority as a parent.
You’re simply more likely to get cooperation rather than pushback if you seek solutions and invite cooperation rather than handing down orders.
And when you do have to put your foot down? It won’t feel as heavy if you haven’t already done so a dozen times that day.
Enjoy the new era, and try out some of these phrases on your kids today. Chances are, everyone in your home will be happier–and more cooperative–without “Because I said so!” ever crossing your lips.
If you enjoyed learning these 4 phrases, I’d love to share even more parenting strategies with you!
Join me for a FREE ONLINE CLASS and I’ll show you how to get your kids to listen–no nagging, yelling, or reminding required.
As always, we are here to support you on your parenting journey!
Six months ago, I took my eight-year-old daughter on a road trip to San Francisco. It was her first trip to the area and she researched the city to find the best spots to visit.
The list was long and we didn’t stand a chance of completing it in two days, but she was determined to give it a try.
She was mesmerized by the Golden Gate Bridge (although she preferred to view it from a distance) and she enjoyed climbing up the crooked street. She couldn’t fathom how people got in and out of their driveways at such difficult angles.
She loved watching the seals play at the Wharf and she certainly ate her fill of sourdough bread. None of those things, however, stuck with her.
They were memories we collected during our girl’s weekend together, but they didn’t leave her with a sense of purpose.
It was confronting homelessness around every corner that altered her soul.
Having traveled to New York City several times in her eight years, she has asked what it means to be homeless and how we can help, but something about this trip left her with a renewed sense of responsibility to people in need of help.
She no longer wanted to donate bags of coins collected along our walks. She wanted to take action in the form of providing direct help. She’s been talking about it ever since.
When tragedy hits the news we talk about change. We discuss the politics that hold us back and where we need to go from here.
We debate problems and argue about solutions, but we don’t really make many changes.
While that might feel hopeless to some, I believe there are grassroots efforts we can make that will impact us for generations to come.
We can start by raising empathy rich children. We can come together and choose to raise kids who genuinely care about others.
We can stop the incessant competing and judging that trickles down to our children and hit the reset button.
We can sit back and enjoy youth sports, for example, instead of screaming our heads off and spreading negativity.
We can walk in another mom’s shoes before we complain about her lack of effort for the PTA.
We can take back humanity and, in doing so, raise a more empathic generation of people.
In his book, Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life, author Peter Gray describes empathy as, “a tendency to connect emotionally with others, to see things from others’ point of view, and to feel sympathy for others’ misfortune.”
That’s a powerful statement, when you truly stop to think about it.
The trouble with empathy is that it is often watered down in the media. It’s reduced to a buzzword – something people talk about but don’t often follow through on.
If we think about empathy from Gray’s point of view, it becomes an essential life skill.
Consider a world where people stop and think about the feelings of others (their potential misfortunes even) before they act on their own emotional impulses.
Might we see a decrease in bullying and anger related outbursts and an increase in helping those in need? Isn’t it worth a try?
One thing I know for certain is that we can’t afford to continue to raise empathy-deficient children in this world.
Test scores might be the key to college acceptance, but social emotional skills will last a lifetime. It’s time to focus on raising empathy-rich children.
Foster empathy with these four strategies:
1. Validate a Range of Emotions
If kids are to care about the feelings of others, they need to achieve self-awareness of their own feelings.
Too often parents run in to fix things so that kids don’t have to experience negative emotions, but this is a mistake.
Negative emotions are part of life at every age and stage. Kids need to learn how to process and cope with all of their emotions, not just the good ones.
It’s never too late to build an emotional vocabulary. I can’t tell you how many adolescents flop down on my couch and struggle to process any emotions beyond mad, sad and happy.
Life is full of ups and downs and one million shades of gray – discover and discuss every emotion that people encounter as often as possible.
By validating a range of emotions, you help your child view others through a new lens.
2. Talk; Don’t Shield
The world can be a scary place and it’s no big secret that the landscape of fear has changed for parents over time. School shootings, food allergies and cyberbullying are just a few things that worry parents these days.
As a result, we tend to shield kids from sad stories as much as possible to preserve their innocence.
When we hide the truth, we send the message that these things don’t matter. When we engage in meaningful (and age-appropriate) conversation, we plant the seeds of empathy.
3. Demonstrate Empathy
Sounds easy, right? The problem is that in this culture of busy, it’s difficult to slow down and focus on things like kindness and empathy.
When we are always on the go, and probably sleep-deprived to some degree, we are short on time and patience.
The key to raising empathic kids is to show empathy in your parenting and out in the world.
Stay calm when you encounter a frustrating parenting moment. Take the time to process your emotions and triggers before you react to model emotional regulation to your kids.
Consider their triggers before you respond in anger.
Demonstrating empathy in our day-to-day lives helps kids develop an internal sense of right and wrong.
4. Take Action
As difficult as it can feel to take on one more thing, volunteering to help others is a great way to instill empathy in your children.
Think small. Help carry groceries or rake leaves for an elderly neighbor, for example. Building community connections and providing first person help encourages kids to become change-makers.
Last week an envelope containing two dollars with the words “pay it forward” came home in Riley’s homework packet. The goal was to give the money to someone in need and then write about how it felt to help someone.
She chose to pay it forward to a homeless man who often greets us near our grocery store. With a huge smile, she walked right up to him, chatted for a few moments and then returned to me. “Let’s do that again”, she whispered, as she buckled her booster seat.
The man approached me as I returned the grocery cart. “Your daughter put a smile on my face today,” he said, “You have one kind little girl.”
Score one for empathy.
Final Thoughts from Amy
We are so grateful for Katie’s insights into teaching our kids empathy. As a Positive Parenting educator, I know how powerful it is when we show the same empathy to our children–just like Katie mentioned.
I also know how hard it can be to show our kids empathy when we’re in the middle of parenting a power struggle–like mealtime battles or sibling fights.
If you’d like to equip yourself with more parenting strategies so that it’s easier to show your kids empathy, I’d love for you to JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS.
In one hour, I’ll teach you the battle-tested tools to get your kids to listen without nagging, yelling or losing control.
As always, we are wishing you all the best on your parenting journey!
Guest Post from Feeding Specialist, Melanie Potuck
What’s parenting got to do with raising a healthy eater? Everything.
Now, that’s not to say that kids become picky eaters because of “bad” parenting. When I teach classes around the United States, the audience learns that kids with serious feeding challenges got there because something went awry with their physiology, sensory or motor development, and consequently, children quickly learn to limit what they’ll eat.
For example, an infant with severe gastroesophageal reflux (chronic heartburn is one symptom) learns to avoid breast or bottle-feeding until their hunger pangs override the heartburn. They’ll typically only consume about two ounces and will often stop abruptly once the pain of eating is greater than the hunger. Treating the discomfort with medication doesn’t always resolve the feeding challenges, however, because the child needs to “unlearn” the lesson that eating hurts.
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For many families, EVERY meal feels less like a Norman Rockwell painting and more like a battle of epic proportions.
