parenting

Tantrums at All Ages: What is normal?

Kid banging their fist against a wallKid banging their fist against a wall

Kid banging their fist against a wall

“I want a candy bar!” 

Your 2-year-old daughter stands screaming in the middle of the grocery store checkout line as you look on in shock. With tears flowing, fists clenched, and her piercing wail echoing throughout the entire store, she is the absolute center of attention. 

Your 9-year-old son sits in the backseat of your minivan, his arms folded across his chest in pure defiance. He had wanted to go to the mall with his friends by himself, but you insisted on going as a chaperone. 

“I promise, I will keep my distance,” you assure him. “You’re simply too young to go alone.”

However, your assurance does little to change his attitude. After spending the entire drive yelling at you for being so unfair, he’s now giving you the silent treatment. 

Your 16-year-old storms out of the house, slamming the door behind her as she makes her exit. “You’re being completely unfair!” she yells over her shoulder. 

All you had asked her to do was to fill up the car with gas after she finished using it. Was that so unreasonable?

***
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

You made it through the Terrible Twos, survived the Threenage years, and held on tight through all of the turmoil your Fournado brought about. Then, just when you thought the worst was behind you, you realized the cold, hard truth.

Tantrums happen.

Anytime. Anywhere. And at any age.

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As a parenting educator, I’ve seen this time and time again. Exhausted parents wondering when their children will finally stop throwing tantrums. And for good reason! No one dislikes a tantrum more than a parent.

While there are plenty of tactics and tools parents can use to prevent temper tantrums from happening, there is no hard and clear rule that says tantrums are limited to a certain age group. 

In fact, even adults give in to the occasional tantrum every now and then.

While tantrums may happen at every age, they begin to look different as children grow. The crocodile tears and high pitched screams suddenly turn into eye rolls and slammed doors. The possibilities are endless and can be endlessly confusing for a stressed-out parent. 

So whether you have a toddler, a preschooler, a tween, or a teen, there is no better time to take a deeper look at tantrums through the ages than right now. Because when you have a better understanding of the role tantrums play at different ages, you’ll start to learn how to handle each one specifically; making your life–and your child’s–much less chaotic.

Toddler Tantrums (Ages 12 months to 4)

You are six months into being a parent of two and, so far, you are absolutely loving it!

Watching your 3-year-old become a big sister was nothing short of a dream come true, and now you feel as though you’re finally starting to fall into a comfortable groove as a family. Still, the honeymoon phase of having a new baby has come to an end as you’ve noticed a bit of jealousy coming from your oldest. 

It’s not that she doesn’t love her sister–in fact, she adores her–but it’s clear the baby’s newness is starting to wear off. You knew this would happen eventually, it’s only natural. Yet, as you watch your daughter kicking and screaming on the nursery floor, you feel unprepared to handle the situation. 

What happened?

One minute she was perfectly fine, the next a wreck. After noticing her baby sister play with a noisy toy piano–a toy that used to be hers, no less–she lost her temper and a tantrum quickly ensued.

“But that’s my toy!” she wails.

“Honey, you’re too big for that toy. It’s for babies.” 

You try to reason with her, but that only makes the tantrum worse

Yes, toddler tantrums can thrust any parent into a panic and have the ability to turn a perfectly good day into a total disaster. Still, you can’t say you weren’t warned… 

It seems everyone from your great aunt Mildred to the random cashier at the grocery store have been uttering warnings since the moment you announced a baby was on the way. 

You understand that tantrums are simply a part of the territory–especially during those early years–and you’ve known they were coming. The crying, the whining, the kicking, the screaming. From grocery store meltdowns to strategic manipulation, toddler tantrums come in many shapes and sizes.

Fortunately, you are not alone in your desire to end toddler tantrums. At Positive Parenting Solutions, we offer plenty of resources to help you navigate the early years. With some support and a little patience (okay, maybe a lot), you will be taming tantrums from big to small in no time.

School-Aged Tantrums (Ages 5 to 12)

You swore it would never happen but it did. They went and changed math.

You thought 2 + 2 = 4, but it looks so different now. It’s longer and so much more complicated. This is not the math you remember doing in elementary school. 

But times have changed. Now, you are forced to sit through at least an hour of torment each evening at the kitchen table, as you try and help your 8-year-old son figure it out as well.

Unfortunately, every night has become an uphill battle that usually ends in a fight between the two of you. He hates math and you’re not the biggest fan of it either.

Frustrated, you press him to work through each problem, urging him to try and understand–for you to understand. Eventually, he reaches his breaking point.

The math book slams shut, his pencil goes flying, and tears start to streak his cheeks. 

“I can’t do this!” he yells as he marches off to his bedroom. With the slam of his door, you hang your head in defeat. 

Something has to change.

It may look a little different than a few years ago, but this is a prime example of your son having, you guessed it–a temper tantrum! 

For most families, temper tantrums have tapered off dramatically by the time their child enters school. With age comes maturity and a stronger handle on mastering their big emotions.

Still, after-school meltdowns may still happen. Sometimes often. And why wouldn’t they? School is stressful after all!

Of course, no kid wants to have a meltdown at school for all of his classmates and teachers to witness. So he holds back, waiting for the moment he walks through the front door into his own home. His safe space. 

To you.

Oh friends, I know exactly how you feel. Especially when you hear great things about your child’s behavior all day, only to experience nothing but attitude, sass, and backtalk the moment he arrives home. Talk about frustrating!

It’s easy to see these tantrums as nothing more than your child exhibiting disrespectful, bratty behavior. But be careful not to judge too quickly! 

Tantrums happen for a reason. Although they may be more emotionally stable now than when they were toddlers, kids at this age are still working to get a handle on their big emotions–a task that takes years to master.

 

I encourage you to take a step back, show some grace, and approach these tantrums just as you did when he was younger. Help him to work through his emotions when he starts to melt down. Ignore any attempts at manipulation.

Above all else, be calm when he cannot. Over time, you will begin to see these new tantrums start to diminish.

And should you find yourself still scratching your head, lost in confusion? No need to worry! Here at Positive Parenting Solutions, we offer a free webinar to help you understand not only why your kids misbehave but how to help them. 

Teenage Tantrums

“This is completely unfair!” your daughter screams. 

Slam! Her bedroom door closes with such force the sound alone is enough to rattle your bones, not to mention your last nerve.

She had asked to go to a party Friday night–a party you know will have no adult supervision. As much as you appreciate her coming to you first, you had to say no.

You find yourself torn. 

She’s sixteen and has shown an impressive level of maturity in the past few months. Naturally, you want to cast a wider net, giving her a little room to grow. Then again, she’s only sixteen, and her safety is as important to you now as the day you brought her home from the hospital.

So you patiently wait outside her bedroom door, allowing her (and yourself) a bit of time to cool off. Then you give the door a soft knock, hoping she will let you in.

Is there anything quite like a good old-fashioned teenage temper tantrum?

The truth of the matter is, tantrums look much different now than they did in those early years. Gone are the days of big crocodile tears, howling screams, and even physical aggression (thankfully!). But you’re certainly not out of the woods just yet.

Because this is where the attitude comes in. I’m talking about the eye rolls, the silent treatments, and, of course, the dreaded door slams.

The teenage years, in particular, can be a very turbulent time. With one foot planted firmly in childhood while the other steps anxiously into adulthood, your teen is stuck. Stuck between relying on you for everything and wanting to be independent. Stuck navigating the emotions of an adult with only the experience of a child. 

When you think about it that way, tantrums in the teenage years make a lot of sense.

When she was a toddler and had a tantrum, maybe you gave her a big hug and helped her work through her emotions. Or maybe you ignored it altogether. Now, as a teen, you find yourself needing to adjust your strategy a bit.

Now you want to focus on building trust. It may seem impossible, but having a trusting relationship with your teen will work wonders in getting them to open up and come to you when life’s problems seem to be piling up.

Eat dinner together, go on family walks, teach them how to drive. Make sure the time you have together–however little it may be these days–is filled with purpose. Talk and open up the lines of communication. You’d be surprised how easy it actually is once your teen feels like she can trust you with what she has to say.

And when tantrums do happen? Follow your gut!

Ignore the outburst when it feels manipulative. Give them a hug and help them work it out when it’s the result of an emotionally trying time. This is the age when most parents report feeling furthest from their child, but I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be that way.

Despite their pushes, this is the time to help your near-adult child navigate some particularly muddy waters. After all, a teenage temper tantrum is not so different from your own occasional meltdown. 

There are just a few added hormones thrown in.

Final Thoughts

Toddler, tweens, and teens–it makes no difference! Tantrums happen at any time, any place, and any age. And no matter who you are or how long you’ve been a parent, dealing with your child’s temper tantrum is never an easy thing to do. 

However, we are here to help! Having an understanding of how tantrums differ (and sometimes are the same) at different ages is important in learning how to handle them. 

The Positive Parenting Solutions course is filled with useful tools and strategies to help you deal with temper tantrums of every kind, in every place, with every age.

Not sure if we’re right for you? You can always test us out first!

I encourage you to JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS where I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen–no nagging, yelling, or reminding required.

I assure you, no matter how old your kids are, it is never too early or too late to learn how to tame the dreaded temper tantrum. We promise to give you the right tools and unending support.

When Children Grieve: What to Expect from Toddlers to Teens

little girl standing in a cemetery of gravestoneslittle girl standing in a cemetery of gravestones

little girl standing in a cemetery of gravestones

When grief has seized control of our lives, we want to know–how long will the suffering last? When children grieve, the question becomes even more imperative.

Will the nightmares ever subside?

Will my son find joy in playing his instrument again?

Will my daughter smile again during our family game night?

We can’t bear to see them in pain any longer than necessary–let alone at all. 

Unfortunately, grief has no exact expiration. Nor does it play by the rules. The depth and duration depends on each child and each situation. And at least a portion of grief can stay with a child forever.

Many of us are familiar with the commonly referenced stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But perhaps fewer of us know that these grief stages, which can also be seen in children, aren’t set in stone. In fact, it would be rare for grief to ever appear exactly as these stages describe or in such a specific order. 

So, what can we expect from children mourning tragedy, death, and loss? 

Re-Defining the Phases of Grief

Perhaps the best way to define the progression of grief is that we can’t define it. Yet one reason the five stages of grief have become so widespread could be the sense of structure and reliability they convey. They offer sufferers specific feelings to look for and expect.

Even though we’ve established that grief follows no guidelines, it’s easy to understand that people still want a concrete prescription to turn to. One possible alternative is Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s 6 Needs of Mourning

In it, he describes what all mourners experience at some point along their journey. This includes: acknowledging the reality of the death, embracing the pain of the loss, remembering the person who died, developing a new self-identity, searching for meaning, and receiving ongoing support from others. 

While we can look for and recognize the processes our grieving children are going through, there are other common grief responses that children exhibit. 

The intensity of these responses can vary, and they likely won’t appear in a particular order. The emotions stemming from their grief may also range from confused, scared, and angry to anxious, depressed, and numb–and everything in between. 

Progression of grief definition

Typical Grief Responses in Children

Regression in Behavior and at School

A certain amount of regression in grieving children is normal. A night-trained 6-year old might start bedwetting, or a 4-year-old might start sucking his thumb. 

A twelve-year-old that kicked the whining habit years ago might start up again. A teenager might forego her usual chores or avoid any extra responsibilities.

Unfortunately, behavior and progress at school can alter just as much as it does at home. A well-behaved pre-schooler might start getting in trouble by pushing friends on the playground or being disruptive at circle time. An advanced, all “A”s high-school student might start failing classes or forget to attend his extracurricular activities. 

While we want to keep our kids on track as much as possible, we can be assured that the sudden setbacks are very likely a result of the grief they’re weathering. They’re simply overwhelmed–both mentally and emotionally. 

It may be hard to see regression as anything but negative, but allowing grieving children some leniency is important. We can also remind ourselves that as children work through grief at their own pace, they’ll eventually return to the same level of success, independence, and functionality they had before their loss. 

Separation Anxiety/Clinginess

Grief is a time when children may not want to be left alone. Little ones might cry when we leave the house–or even leave the room–more than they once did. Older kids could choose to tag along with us on errands they’ve avoided before. 

When overcome with grief, children might find solitude not only intimidating, but unbearable. Maybe, after the loss of an older family member, they have a heightened fear of being abandoned. Or, perhaps they’re just afraid of their thoughts. Regardless, any needy, helpless, and unusually attached behavior reflects a need for companionship and emotional connection. 

Letting our kids stick by our side, and even enlisting the help of family and friends to play with or “hang out” with grieving kids can give them the extra dose of care, affection, and even distraction they desire. 

It’s also common for grieving kids to connect with a person, either a familiar face or a new one, that reminds them of a lost loved one. This can be beneficial and might fill a void–just as long as it’s understood that their loved one can never be fully replicated or replaced (which would also be an unfair–and impossible–standard for anyone to live up to).

Apathy or Withdrawal 

It’s not unusual for children to sometimes act as though a loss never even occurred. 

While children may appear unaffected by tragedy, death, or loss, this is likely far from the case. Maybe they’re unwilling to confront the loss just yet, can only handle grief for brief spurts of time, or are modeling the restrained reactions of their parents or caregivers. 

Children can also step in and out of grief more easily than adults. 

“Children’s grief is like jumping in and out of puddles. They can be very sad one minute and very happy the next. You need to give them opportunities to be both.”

Julia Samuel, British psychotherapist and counselor. 

So while kids might be playful and acting normally one minute, they can also withdraw socially from friends and avoid activities the next. 

They may also seem numb to things around them–like being uninterested in the fun day at the water park you’ve planned, the movie their friends are attending, or the fact that grandpa and grandma are flying in for a visit. In this case, the grief–like depression–is taking the joy out of normally pleasurable events. 

On some level this is normal, especially considering the recency of the loss. But it’s always good to keep a close eye on signs of depression and anxiety. If you’re concerned, consider finding your child a counselor or therapist. 

Physical Ailments & Sleep/Appetite Disturbances

We know that common stressors can keep us up all night, morph into back and shoulder pain, and even appear as bodily tics and twitches. 

Imagine what grief can do.

We can expect a certain amount of sleeplessness, nightmares, and/or night terrors from a grieving child. We can expect a loss of appetite or bingeing on comfort foods. 

But we can also see grief in a variety of physical ailments. It might be a teenager’s headache that has lasted for days or a toddler’s frequently upset tummy. 

It’s helpful to know these physical responses can be common; but again, it’s important to see a doctor when we have concerns.

Guilt

Guilt is very common among anyone grieving death and loss, and children are no exception. 

Younger children, when they don’t fully understand the concepts of death, may feel they’re responsible for the loss–especially when they’re wired to be more preoccupied with their own needs and have the belief that everything in the world revolves around them. 

A preschooler who hit her friend–after she stole her toy last week–may feel she’s the reason her young friend tragically passed away.  

Older kids are also susceptible to guilt. A teenager who gave his friend the cold shoulder last month may feel partly to blame when that depressed, bullied friend takes his own life.

Naturally, it’s of ultimate importance to remind children they are not responsible for these tragic events. We need to also consider that it may take time and additional resources–like consistent counseling–for them to understand this fact. 

Interest in Death

Grieving kids might ask questions about tragedy and loss repeatedly. Young kids might become interested in dead things like the upside-down beetle in the driveway and the lifeless bird on the porch. Older children might become drawn to darker themes in books, music, movies, and video games. 

Even kids that aren’t dealing with grief are commonly obsessed with the morbid and bleak. They are trying to understand the world around them and the challenging concepts that even adults fail to grasp. 

A loved one’s death or personal loss just intensifies these questions.

Risk-Taking & Aggression

One of the most distressing aspects of grief is the possibility that children will internalize it in a negative way. 

Older children, especially, might engage in risky behavior. “They may drive recklessly, get into fights, drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes or use drugs. They may become involved in sexual activity or delinquency.” After a Loved One Dies–How Children Grieve by David J Schonfeld, MD

Younger children can also express their grief through hostility and/or self-harm. A 5-year-old girl struggling with anger from her parents’ divorce might start bullying her younger brother or try pulling out her own hair.  

Aggression, self-harm, and even suicidal thoughts can all emerge during times of grief. Naturally, it’s imperative to intervene in any of these situations with professional assistance as quickly as possible.

Psychological Changes

Another serious concern is the prospect of grief leaving life-long, psychological implications. Children are still developing mentally–with rapidly evolving brains, personalities, and intellect–and it’s possible that grief can leave an intense, life-shaping impression.

Studies of adults with various mental disorders, especially depression, frequently reveal childhood bereavement, suggesting that such loss may precipitate or contribute to the development of a variety of psychiatric disorders and that this experience can render a person emotionally vulnerable for life. This special vulnerability of children is attributed to developmental immaturity and insufficiently developed coping capacities.- Bereavement: Reactions, Consequences, and Care

Regardless of these implications, please don’t be disheartened. By no means is it a foregone conclusion that children struck by tragedy, death, and loss will have challenging futures

On the contrary, grief can strengthen children and give them a greater appreciation for the beauty and complexity of life. But, grieving children do need appropriate support from loved ones and constructive coping mechanisms to shape their grief as positively as possible. The book Bereavement: Reactions, Consequences, and Care, states that children with a reliable adult addressing their needs–including the need to explore and express feelings of grief–can adapt and overcome loss in a healthy, positive way.

Disenfranchised and Secondary Grief

Disenfranchised Grief

Not all grief comes from death or tragedy. Children can feel intense sorrow from a variety of other situations and need to process these changes the same way other grievers do. 

This is called disenfranchised grief.

It’s so-named because the cause of this grief isn’t considered–at least by society at large–a “justifiable” reason to mourn. Regardless, it is felt acutely by the person it affects and can’t simply be dismissed or ignored.

A 3-year-old could experience disenfranchised grief after the death of her pet gerbil. It could be a foster child distraught over moving to a new home. Maybe it’s your teenager, devastated after his girlfriend broke up with him. Or, it could be a preteen struggling with the reaction she received when she told her parents she’s gay.

No one, especially a parent, has the right to tell a child that his or her feelings are unworthy, unnecessary, or insignificant. No matter the cause, our feelings are often out of our control. This is especially true for children still learning to manage their raw emotions. Teaching a child how to cope with grief, rather than dismiss it, will help them more than anything. 

Secondary Loss/Grief

Secondary losses result from a primary loss. Essentially, they’re the collateral damage produced by death, tragedy, and grief. 

If your 10-year-old daughter just had to move to a new school due to your recent divorce from her father, the grief she feels from the loss of her school and friends would be secondary to the loss she feels from the divorce.  

Just like disenfranchised grief, secondary losses may not be accepted or appreciated for their potential severity. If we are aware of them, however, we can better prepare our children and ourselves to cope with these added stressors.

The secondary losses and disenfranchised grief of a family member or friend can also affect a child. We all know that depression doesn’t just hurt the people it affects. It harms all of the people that love them, too. So when a child’s parent or caregiver is grieving, whether it’s about bankruptcy, the death of a coworker, or a crisis of faith, children may grieve, too. 

When to Seek Help

If all of these grief responses are common, when is it important to seek help? Especially if there are no set guidelines or timelines for grief?

Again, any signs of aggression or self-harm need to be addressed by a mental health specialist immediately. But for other common, less severe responses, the answer is less clear.

One of the best indicators that children are progressing healthily through grief is when the intensity and frequency of their grief responses lessen over time. If a teenager is averaging a little more sleep each week, he is improving. If a 5-year-old starts playing with her friends despite frequent tears, then she is recovering.

But, what if symptoms persist–or escalate? 

According to the Child Mind Institute, “…symptoms that persist beyond six months or are very impairing can indicate that your child may need professional help to overcome her grief.” 

These symptoms can include the more common grief responses; from sleep and appetite disturbances to regression and apathy. If they worsen or linger longer than the six-month time frame, it’s time to seek professional help from a grief counselor, support group, or psychiatrist. 

Final Thoughts

Loss is both heart-wrenching and unavoidable at some point in all of our lives. While we hope our children will avoid exposure to death and loss in their childhood, we can’t always protect them from life’s most painful realities.

It could be a few weeks before they crack a smile or a few months before they laugh out loud. To a certain degree, some of the grief will always be a part of them. 

But with our help and love, grief will never define them.

Two Types of Tantrums: How to Tell the Difference

Young girl lying on ground having a tantrumYoung girl lying on ground having a tantrum

Young girl lying on ground having a tantrum

It’s 8 AM on a busy Monday morning and, once again, you are late for school drop-off because your six-year-old daughter is  refusing to get dressed.

“I want to wear my pink polka-dot shirt!” she wails.

“I’m sorry, Sweetie, but it’s in the wash. You’ll have to pick something else.”

You go through this every morning. Same problem, different outfit. You want her to be independent, so you allow her to pick out her own clothes–but lately, it just feels like one power struggle after another.

“But I want to wear it!” she yells, stomping her foot on the ground.

You take a deep breath and watch as the tantrum unfolds. She grabs a handful of clean clothes and throws them across the room, then sits on the floor in defiance, her face red with anger.

You wonder, how should I handle this?

Oh friend, I know where you are because I have been there myself. Frustrated parents from all walks of life have called out for help, which is why we created this FREE PARENTING WEBINARto help parents stay calm in exhausting situations just like this. 

As your own temper starts to rise you fight the urge to scream back at her. You’ve had enough of these outbursts and want nothing more than to walk away, slamming the door behind you. She has to learn that this kind of bratty behavior will not be tolerated anymore.

But is it truly bratty behavior? Is your daughter just trying to manipulate you into letting her wear the outfit she wants–maybe even skip school?

Or is this a different type of tantrum?

Believe it or not, not all tantrums are created equal. Science actually tells us that there are two very different, yet very specific types of tantrums that are determined by which area of the brain is firing at the time.

Think of it like a house…

The Whole-Brain Child

You don’t have to be a world-class architect to know that every worthwhile home must be built on a solid foundation. Progress starts from the ground level, with each layer being built upon the one before it.

Our brains operate in much the same way, with both an upstairs and a downstairs component.

In Daniel J. Siegel’s and Tina Payne Bryson’s book, The Whole-Brain Child, they bring forth the notion that the human brain–particularly a child’s–is like a two-story house. Even though the upstairs and downstairs portions are both parts of the same whole, they have vastly different purposes.

This makes a lot of sense when it comes to how your child’s brain is wired. Just like a house under construction, the downstairs portion of their brain–responsible for emotion and decision-making–is developed first. The upstairs portion of the brain–responsible for higher thinking and impulse control–takes much longer to construct. 

When your child has a tantrum, you can determine the type based on which portion of their brain is in use–the upstairs or downstairs. Understanding where the tantrum stems from will help you handle the situation appropriately.

Note: Looking for more helpful parenting resources? Be sure to check out my list of Best Parenting Books: Top Picks for 2023.

Downstairs/Meltdown Tantrums

Imagine…

You’re at the mall with your five-year-old son. 

After a sleepless night spent tending to his scary dreams, the two of you had a hard time getting going this morning. You needed to run a few errands around town, so you handed him a granola bar and rushed him out the door. 

The weather was gloomy and it started to downpour, backing up traffic all across town–why did you decide to go out today? To avoid the traffic, you chose to stop at the mall and wait out the storm.

You walk inside, dripping water on the floor, chilled to the bone. That’s when he spots it–the horse carousel. It’s his absolute favorite ride.

“Mommy, can I ride the horse? Please!”

It’s been such a rough day, you figure you’ll treat him to a ride. However, when you pull out your wallet, you find it empty of change.

“I’m sorry, honey,” you say. “I don’t have any money. You can’t ride today.”

His face darkens as he sticks out his bottom lip.

“But I want to ride it,” he says quietly.

“I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.”

Suddenly, big tears begin to roll down his cheeks as heaving sobs rise up from his chest. He falls to the floor and slams his little fists into the tile.

You start to notice people staring–he doesn’t.

You try to pull him up into a hug, but his body goes limp as he cries even louder. As much as you try to stop the tantrum, nothing seems to work. Quickly, you pick him up and carry him toward the door.

All you want right now is to help him calm down. The whole situation leaves you feeling helpless and sympathetic.

*****

So what happened?

After a rough night with little sleep, and an even rougher morning with little food, your son hit a wall…and lost it.

This would be an example of a downstairs tantrum. Also known as a meltdown.

Just like a house, the downstairs portion of the brain was built first. It’s been there since birth helping control basic functions and emotions, such as flight or fight, anger, and sadness.

Naturally, the downstairs brain is very easily affected by outside conditions. In this case, the combination of little sleep from the night before and a rushed morning without much food meant a meltdown was not only possible, it was highly likely to happen. Not getting to ride the horse was simply the catalyst that set the tantrum in motion.

Helpful Tip: If you are a frustrated parent who has experienced more than their fair share of tantrums, please try out our free online webinar, where you’ll learn why your kids misbehave, how to institute effective consequences, and so much more.

Upstairs/Manipulative Tantrums

Now imagine…

You’re at the mall with your five-year-old son. 

After sleeping in this morning, the two of you enjoyed a filling breakfast of pancakes, eggs, and bacon, before hitting the road to run some errands around town.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the traffic was light–all the ingredients for a perfect day–so you decided to make one more stop at the mall to enjoy lunch at your son’s favorite restaurant.

As you’re leaving the restaurant he spots the little horse carousel a few shops down. It’s his absolute favorite ride.

“Mommy, can I ride the horse? Please!”

He’s been so good today, you figure you’ll treat him to a ride. However, when you pull out your wallet you find it empty of change.

“I’m sorry, honey,” you say. “I don’t have any money. You can’t ride today.”

Suddenly, your sweet, well-behaved little boy is nowhere to be seen.

“But I want to ride it!” he yells.

You start to notice people staring–and so does he. This only further ignites his need to make a scene. He rushes over to the horse and hops on, wrapping his arms tightly around the neck.

“I won’t leave until I have a ride!” he yells.

With cheeks flushed, you lift him off the horse and start pulling him toward the door. He lets his body go limp and crumples to the floor. You can do nothing but stand beside him, wide-eyed in disbelief at how his attitude so quickly shifted.

You are frustrated, annoyed, and absolutely embarrassed by his behavior.

So much for your perfect day.

*****

Your son had a great night’s sleep, a full belly, and a good attitude. So what happened?

This would be an example of an upstairs tantrum. Also known as a manipulative tantrum. 

This type of tantrum is generally a display of power, used by the child to manipulate his parents into giving him what he wants. In this case, a ride on his favorite carousel.

It’s this portion of the brain that your son uses for higher thinking and planning, hence the manipulation factor. He knew–probably from past experience–that a public tantrum could get him what he wanted and acted accordingly.

Ironically enough, this same portion of the brain controls his ability to think calmly. But because it’s so much more sophisticated than the downstairs, it takes much longer to develop. In fact, your son’s upstairs brain won’t fully mature until he is in his twenties!

This also explains why meltdowns happen. When the upstairs brain isn’t working properly, it’s very easy for a child’s brain to lose control, unable to grasp the ability to calm down and think rationally. 

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Which Tantrum is Which?

Although there are two types of toddler temper tantrums, spotting the difference can be tricky. But knowing the difference is key because each one must be handled differently.

So how do you know which is which? Believe it or not, the biggest factor comes down to you–NOT your child.

That’s right. I’m talking about your reaction to the tantrum itself. How does it make you feel?

When your child’s tantrum leaves you feeling helpless or sympathetic, there’s a good chance it’s a downstairs tantrum. 

Why? Because the meltdown is something your child really cannot help. They don’t want to misbehave, but without the help of a mature upstairs brain, they simply cannot control their emotions.

It’s your job to help them work through their big emotions and be the calm to their storm. 

Kids do well if they can

However, when the tantrum leaves you feeling frustrated, angry, or irritated, it is most likely an upstairs tantrum. You know you are being manipulated.

Final Thoughts

As parents, we’ve all been on the receiving end of a toddler tantrum at one point in time. There’s nothing quite like them. 

Whether they happen in public–where it feels like every eye is glaring at you–or in the privacy of your own home, it’s never pretty. And certainly never easy. 

Having an understanding of which type of tantrum you are dealing with can help tremendously. Especially, if you have the right tools to deal with them. 

Fortunately, the Positive Parenting Solutions® course is filled with useful tools and strategies to help you deal with temper tantrums of every kind, in every place, with every age.

Feel free to test us out first by JOINING ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS. I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen–no nagging, yelling, or reminding required.

Upstairs or downstairs. Big or small. Toddler or teen. It doesn’t matter what type of tantrum, I assure you, there is hope for each one. Especially when you’ve got the right tools in your belt and the right support to help you out.

When Children Grieve: 7 Strategies to Help Them Cope

Girl and man putting flowers on a grave in the rainGirl and man putting flowers on a grave in the rain

Girl and man putting flowers on a grave in the rain

From the moment we first hear their cries, we want to shield our children from life’s sorrows.

We know we can’t do this entirely, but we do what we can. We make sure they have fun, we keep them from getting hurt, and we tell them not to worry–“everything will be okay.”

Even so, tragedy, loss, and suffering inevitably hit home. 

It could be the death of a close relative or friend. Maybe there was a fire and you lost your home. It could even be your ten-year-old golden retriever that just lost a battle with cancer. 

The amount of pain, heartbreak, angst, and uncertainty we feel in the wake of a loss–or the anxiety we experience as we prepare to say our final good-byes to a loved one–is too much for any heart to handle. Then, as we’re managing our own grief, we need to help an innocent child process his or her grief, too.

We know we can’t control everything in life–especially loss and death. But here are 7 things we can control to help grieving children.

1. Offering Safety Through Normal Boundaries & Routines

When a child’s world is turned upside down through loss, we can provide consistency wherever possible.

By maintaining a normal schedule with familiar structure, we give our kids a sense of security and let them know, “You can count on me.” Unless they request otherwise, keep taking your son to soccer practice and attending your daughter’s pottery class.

While your gut instinct may say “he’s going through a hard time, I’m going to let him off the hook,” fight against this urge. It’s actually more helpful to retain a family’s normal rules and consequences than to let your child call the shots.

Clear expectations provide kids a great deal of comfort. They love knowing that someone is looking out for their progress and protection–even if they protest it.  

If there is an abnormal amount of pushback, consider that your child might need a little more flexibility based on the circumstances. But in general, maintain as much consistency as you can manage.

2.  Love & Attention

Here at Positive Parenting Solutions, our core belief–based on Adlerian Psychology–is that all children need to feel a sense of belonging within the family unit and need to feel significant.

As you can imagine, grief may take this need for belonging and significance and turn it up a few notches. If your son just lost a parent or a relative he heavily relied on, loved, and looked up to, imagine how he might question the new family dynamic or his new place in the world.

We need to focus on daily one-on-one time with grieving children, doing something they care about and want to do. It could be going to a trampoline park and briefly distracting your daughter from her grief, or answering all her questions about death. We recommend this one-on-one time for all parents and children–but for a grieving child, it is especially crucial.

Intellectually, we understand that our child’s sadness should be combated with extra doses of love, affection, and attention. But if we ourselves are buried in grief, these needs can be easily overlooked or unintentionally pushed aside. 

Please Note: We should follow a child’s lead during the grieving process. If he wants to be left alone more than usual, allow this too. Just make sure your child knows that when he’s ready, you are available to shower as much love and attention as he’d like.

3.  Letting Go of Certain Expectations

Grief is as varied as the children it affects.

While one child may relish getting lost in algebra equations, another may start failing in geometry class. 

Your son may want to talk incessantly about his deceased cousin, while your daughter yells at you any time you mention it. 

Although we want to be consistent with rules and routines, we also need to be flexible in our expectations. Changes in a child’s progress at school, sleep and appetite disturbances, dramatic fluctuations in mood, and even apathy are all common reactions to grief.

It’s also normal to see behavioral regression. A 4-year-old that’s been potty trained for two years might start having accidents. A 7-year-old might start throwing toddler-like tantrums

It’s hard not knowing what response to expect from a grieving child at any given moment, or what seemingly harmless activity could trigger an emotional reaction. Just try to remember that your child’s out-of-character behavior doesn’t mean you’re in for a future of defiance and power struggles–it’s probably just the grief that’s talking. 

Please Note: Although we should let compassion and patience be our guides during this process, if we do see signs of violence or other extreme types of behavior from a grieving child, we should seek professional help immediately.

Grief is as varied as the child it affects

4.  Modeling–but Managing–Your Emotions

If we fail to express our grief, our children may not feel inclined to express their grief, either. 

Modeling emotions teaches our kids that they aren’t alone in their feelings. It does help though, to limit catastrophic speech like “oh, how will we ever feel better,” or, “I just can’t handle this pain.” This can justifiably scare children and cause them additional stress.

Instead of saying, “I’m really sad today,” we can try saying “I’m having a sad moment.” Or, instead of, “I feel really lonely without our (loved one),” we can say, “I’m thinking about and remembering our (loved one) a lot today.”  

We should feel free to acknowledge pain, but we also want to show grieving children that it’s possible to manage pain, too–no matter how unbelievable that may seem at times. 

We also need to help them find healthy ways to express their grief. 

5.  Finding Grief Outlets

Anger-Relief

Sometimes in life, we need to scream into a pillow or pummel a punching bag. In particular, (just like adults) kids can experience anger and other big emotions during the grieving process. 

When grief, anxiety, and anger become unbearable, it’s helpful to suggest safe and effective ways for children to vent. 

We can take a ten-year-old to a karate class or give a toddler some old newspapers and boxes to stomp on, tear up, and destroy. We can put in earplugs while our teenager listens to Metallica on full blast. In essence, we shouldn’t be afraid to let our kids scream and steam like an old metal teapot (even if that means driving them somewhere isolated and quite literally letting them scream.)

Play

Young children often make sense of their grief through play. This means you may find your daughter in the middle of a nurse Barbie reenactment after her time in hospice with grandma, or encounter your son making a funeral procession with his toy cars. 

Embrace this sweet manner of processing loss, and play along if they invite you to–even if the tears roll down your face (after all, it could be therapeutic for you, too).

Communication

A child may want to talk at length about grief, or she may not want to discuss it at all. However, communication is always a healthy outlet.

If talking about death or loss is important to your child but is too hard for you to talk about just yet, encourage her to talk to a counselor or someone that’s willing to discuss it more openly (see Seeking Outside Resources below). 

Creativity   

Whether it’s writing daily in a journal, finger painting, or marching and playing in the high school band, creative expression is an excellent outlet for grief.

You can argue that many of the most brilliant, creative minds in history have worked through tragedy. Frida Kahlo, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Eminem…they all had to wrestle with some form of grief. Creativity arguably gave them that outlet.  

Creative flow can be an almost out-of-body, meditative experience. We can even forget about ourselves and our pain for a brief moment. We can also help make peace with something tragic.

Encourage kids to turn their sorrow into something meaningful and beautiful. If they have pursuits they’re passionate about, like basketball, dance, or even LEGO robotics club, we can suggest they focus on these activities and pour their emotions into their practice. 

If your child seems interested, she can even create something out of an article of clothing or special item that belonged to a deceased loved one. If your teenage daughter wants to take Grandma’s favorite dress and sew it into a blanket, you can assist her in the process. Even if your son wants to keep his cat’s ashes and paint them into a meaningful picture, that’s okay. 

The bottom line is, no creativity is too bizarre–especially if it gives grief some meaning.

Funerals & Rituals

People debate whether or not it’s appropriate to bring children to funerals. Again, we want to protect our children from pain. Depending on their age, we may also question whether or not they can fully handle and/or understand death and grief. 

If so, we are underestimating a child’s strength and emotional intelligence. 

Children may be innocent, but they are also fairly resilient. Even though funerals and other after-death rituals can be painful to attend, they are an important way to celebrate the lives of those that have passed. They also offer a chance for family members to express their grief together and to say goodbye to the deceased. Children deserve this chance as much as everyone else. They also learn about humanity from these rituals and processes.

“In respectful loss, we pass to children a reverence for the irreplaceable gift of each human life.”
– Sharon Holbrook, The Washington Post

Please Note: Don’t force your child to attend a funeral if they’d rather not, but don’t keep them from one, either. Your child can decide how involved she’d like to be.

6.  Relieving Kids of Guilt

Whether it’s a divorce or a parent’s or friend’s untimely death, many children feel responsible for loss. 

Misplaced guilt is common for anyone dealing with grief. We blame ourselves and may spend years trying to understand that it wasn’t actually our fault.

Children are no different. They need to be informed, perhaps repeatedly, that there is no way that they could have caused the loss. Even if your teenager’s friend died in a car crash on her way to your house–after your daughter invited her over–she needs to understand that she didn’t make that car crash. It’s not her fault. 

7.  Seeking Outside Resources

No matter what grief your child is facing, I highly encourage you to find outside resources for help. It could be a counselor, psychologist, support group, or spiritual leader. The National Alliance for Grieving Children is a great place to find a grief support program or counselor near you. 

While I hope I’ve given you helpful and tangible advice in this little article, I also know it is incredibly important to seek out people in your own circle who can be your hands and feet during this time.

Relatives and friends can provide extra nurturing and support–especially adults and friends your child is close to and trusts. Anyone that might make your child feel less alone in the grieving process is a helping hand for you both. 

Final Thoughts

Sorrow has at least one positive side effect, besides making us stronger and inspiring creative masterpieces; it reminds us what really matters in this life.

With these coping strategies, we can focus on the grieving children that matter more than anything and that need us so desperately right now.

It’s not going to be pretty, or easy, no matter what we do. It will also take time–who knows how long–and a small part of the grief may never go away. But it’s important to remind yourself that your child will smile again, laugh again, and flourish again. 

And so will you.

Title Image: Twin Design / Shutterstock www.shutterstock.com/photos

6 Ways to Put the Happy Back in Your Holidays

Child in winter coat laughingChild in winter coat laughing

Child in winter coat laughing

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house 

Not a child was sleeping, nor were you and your spouse. 

The presents sat wrapped, beneath the big tree 

While the kids argued, you played referee. 

December felt long, much longer than before

Between presents and baking, it felt like a chore!

Where was the joy, the warmth, and the cheer?!

Do you really have to do this again next year?

You long to go back to a time you barely remember

When life was simple and happy. When was thatSeptember?

Stress, it seems, is all you feel nowadays

And you wonder just how to put the happy back in your holidays.

–Poem by Kayla Runkel

As you think back on holidays past, are you filled with wonderment and joy? The lights, the pageants, the time spent with family–it truly made this the most wonderful time of the year…years ago, that is.

But somewhere between the crowded department stores and the endless hours spent in the kitchen baking, you’ve lost it…your holiday spirit.

Now the holidays are anything but happy. In fact, you’re trying your best just to get through them this year.

Still, you long for the days when this season was something to be enjoyed. When you spent hours blasting Christmas carols around the house and the sight of twinkling lights put a smile on your face and a spring in your step. 

So what can you do?

If the holidays have you feeling less Ho, Ho, Ho and more Bah Humbug, no need to worry! Here are 6 ways you can put the HAPPY back in your holidays this season.

1. Keep to Your Routine

It’s happening once again. Grandma and Grandpa have been here for only two hours and already your children are bouncing off the walls, loaded up on cookies and candy. 

“It’s the holidays,” you tell yourself. “It’s okay for them to be a bit spoiled.”

You put on a smile and try your best to enjoy their company, but bedtime is fast approaching, and you know the kids won’t go down easy tonight.

“Alright kids, say goodnight to Grandma and Grandpa.” 

As you expected, you’re met with much protest. 

“Ahh, come on,” Grandma says. “Can’t they stay up one extra hour? We’ve missed them so much.”

You’re stuck. You want so badly to say yes–to not be the wet blanket–but you know better than anyone how much your children need their sleep. 

As hard as it may be, stick to your normal lights-out routine. Why? Because having cranky kids is never fun. But cranky kids and cranky parents? Now that’s a recipe for holiday disaster.

I know how difficult it can be to maintain a normal schedule with holiday gatherings and obligations also pressing for your attention. But trust me when I say, sticking to your normal schedule will set the course for a smoother, less chaotic, holiday season. 

2. Manage Expectations

Adventure awaits! Now with more action-packed gadgets than ever before! This Christmas won’t be complete without…

You hear the commercial draining in from the other room as your son watches his afternoon television program. You can’t help but sigh. It seems like every time you turn on the TV or listen to the radio another holiday toy is being peddled to your kid. 

Of course, his Christmas list gets longer with each and every advertisement he hears.

You want to give your son a Christmas to remember–what parent doesn’t? But you don’t want it to come at the risk of entitlement. The fact of the matter is pretty simple. He is not getting everything he wants for Christmas.

But how do you break the news without ruining his Christmas? Or even worse, without inviting a huge temper tantrum?

This is the time to have a serious talk about holiday expectations. Perhaps you sit down to have a family meeting or start a discussion in the car on a holiday road trip. Be frank with your son about his wish list and set limits you all can live with.

Managing expectations ahead of time will help make sure your son doesn’t feel let down on Christmas morning.

This is also a great time to have him write a GIVING list that is at least as long as his wish list. What gifts does he plan on giving to his friends and family? Does he plan on giving his time to others? 

As adults, we know it’s better to give than to receive. What better way to drive that lesson home than by having your kid write out all of the ways he intends to give to others this holiday season?

Helpful tip: Not sure just how to battle the entitlement epidemic? Check out my book The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic – A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World. 

3. Consider Gifts of Time

Maybe it’s your daughter who will not stop bugging you for the latest Barbie dream house or your son who has his eye on a brand new video game console. Whatever it is, one thing’s for certain: the glitz and glam of the hottest toys of the season are always hard for parents to top.

But there is one gift that will surpass all others, no matter what. The gift of YOU! 

Yes, you can give your kids the best gift of all simply by giving them your time and attention. While I am a huge advocate for spending daily one-on-one time with your children, this gift of time should go beyond the usual special time together. 

To make your gift of time more tangible, consider making a coupon book for your child filled with fun activities to do together.

For instance, you could have coupons good for One Ice Cream Date, an Impromptu Dance Party, or One Extra Story Before Bed.

Whatever activities you choose for your gift of time, be sure your undivided time and attention is the #1 priority. 

The beauty of giving your time as a holiday gift is that it is inexpensive, thoughtful, and, of course, incredibly fun! What could be better?

Helpful tip: These also make great gifts between siblings and grandparents.

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4. Share the Work

Every year you swear things will be different. Then crunch time hits and you are down to the wire when you notice something. You are doing absolutely everything. The present shopping, the cookie baking, the card writing–it’s all fallen squarely on your shoulders, just as it does every year.

No wonder the holidays are so stressful.

Why not change things up this year? Just because you can do everything, doesn’t mean you should. Instead, make it a point to share the work with the rest of your family.

Is your spouse a terrible baker but great at wrapping presents? Does your son love cookie decorating but could care less about shopping? Whatever it may be, find a way to divvy out the holiday responsibilities between family members so that it’s both enjoyable for them and takes the burden off of your shoulders.

As you discover new ways to work together to make the holiday happen, you’ll create long-lasting, happy holiday memories your kids will treasure for years to come.

5. Use Shortcuts

You see it every time you hop online–the seven-course plated meals, presents wrapped to perfection, and family Christmas portraits with every person donning matching plaid pajamas. 

Yes, it’s hard to get into the holiday spirit when you’re surrounded by nothing but Pinterest perfection. 

The thing is, that isn’t what the holidays are about. In fact, it isn’t even real.

The season is about the spirit and the people you love. So give yourself the gift of grace and stop chasing holiday perfection. Instead, take shortcuts!

Bake a cake from a box. Buy the store-bought cookies. Put a present in a bag–or, better yet, have them wrap it at the store! 

The holidays are not about how everything looks as much as how it feels to be surrounded by those you love. So, should you find your light being dimmed by the thought of trying to create a picture-perfect holiday, do yourself a favor. Put the camera away and take all the shortcuts you want. 

6 tips to happier holidays

6. Focus on Service

Want to know a surefire way to bring some joy back to your holiday season? Give! 

Give of your time. Give of your talents. Perhaps even give of your money. But most importantly, give as a family

Pull the focus away from the commercialization of the season and shine the spotlight on service. Because when we focus on what we can do as a family to help others, it helps keep the hustle and hurry of the season in perspective

Serving others in need shouldn’t feel like just one more thing to check off your holiday to-do list, because the reward is so much greater than the effort it takes to do so.

Curious where to start? 

Give of Your Time

Start by calling around to your local places of worship and shelters and ask where they have the greatest needs. Do they need help serving meals at the soup kitchen? Wrapping presents for children in need?

Whatever it may be, pick a day when your whole family is available and go serve together. Not only will this provide a wonderful chance for you to spend time with your own family, but serving those less fortunate will help give your children a healthy appreciation for what they already have.

Give of Your Talents

Do you consider yourself pretty talented in the kitchen? Is your spouse handy with a hammer and nails? The holiday season is the perfect time to put your talents to good use.

Maybe your church needs a handyman to help build the Christmas pageant set. Perhaps your local soup kitchen needs an experienced cook to help prepare a tasty holiday meal. Whatever it may be, finding ways to use your talents to serve is a wonderful way to give back this season.

Give of Your Money

Time can be a precious commodity–especially during the holidays. If you’re looking for a way to serve that fits into your busy schedule, consider giving a monetary gift this season.

You can always give your spare change to the bell ringers on your way into the grocery store, or write a check to your favorite charity. But now is your chance to get a little creative and think outside of the box!

Try contacting the guidance counselor at your child’s school and see if there is a student in need. Maybe they are without a winter coat or have some overdue lunch fines they can’t manage. 

If you have the means to give a little extra, this is certainly a great way to serve. It’s also a wonderful opportunity to get your children involved, especially if they have an allowance and want to make a meaningful donation of their own.

Final Thoughts

We’ve all been there–someone wishes us a “happy holiday” and we respond with a forced smile and simple, “you too.” 

Believe me, I get how easy it can be to get bogged down in all of the holiday to-do lists. But this time is meant to be enjoyed and treasured! Not dreaded.

If the happy has been seriously lacking in your holidays, take heart! Trying out any one of these 6 tips for holiday happiness is sure to have you feeling merry and bright in no time. 

Or, if you’d like even more strategies to get your family back on track, I’d love for you to JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS.

I’ll teach you one of my most trusted parenting tools to get kids to listen without nagging or yelling!

From our family to yours, we wish you the HAPPIEST holiday season.

Is Spanking Harmful? Here’s What You Need to Know

Little Boy Hugging DadLittle Boy Hugging Dad

Little Boy Hugging Dad

A few generations ago, if you acted out in class, you could have been met with a paddle or yardstick to the bottom–and possibly gone home with bruises. But it wouldn’t have stopped there. It’s likely another painful spanking would have awaited you at home. 

Thankfully, today’s standards are more child-friendly. Many parents are abandoning certain, if not all, forms of spanking. And school corporal punishment–though not yet banned in all 50 US states–is mostly frowned upon. Still, many teachers, parents, and caregivers remain certain that spanking is a reliable behavioral remedy for unruly kids.

If spanking falls under the umbrella of corporal punishment, and corporal punishment is still legal in some schools, it might be logical to think that a certain degree of spanking–especially in the privacy of our own homes–is harmless.

After all, the spectrum of corporal punishment is wide. A light spanking or flick of the hand can cause far less damage than an angry strike with a stick–and the short and long-term side effects of a simple swat could be minor, some might think.

Spanking remains controversial because it’s a difficult subject to study. Researchers don’t have an exact way to differentiate between a family’s use of more severe corporal punishment and basic spanking. The causes and effects of spanking are also incredibly subjective. 

“Some research suggests that the effects of spanking differ depending on the reasons parents spank, how frequently they do so and how old children are at the time–so the conclusion from the meta-analysis that spanking itself is dangerous may be overly simplistic.” 

The Scientific American

We don’t want parents to feel overly guilt-ridden for spanking when they did so with the best of intentions–helping their children learn.

And we certainly don’t want to lump parents who use spanking into the same category as those who use more severe forms of corporal punishment or even resort to child abuse.

However, evidence still suggests that spanking has negative effects.

In the same way that doctors don’t encourage alcohol consumption during pregnancy, psychologists certainly don’t recommend the use of spanking. Why take a chance, especially if there are plenty of potential risks and zero proven benefits?

The Risks of Spanking

Continued–and Encouraged–Misbehavior 

It’s important to know that spanking of any degree can escalate a child’s behavior. It makes many kids obstinate and motivated to fight back. What’s worse, a child that’s misunderstood and discouraged long enough can begin exhibiting revenge-type misbehaviors. 

Let’s say a 4-year-old is spanked for drawing on the walls. He’s now mad because either he doesn’t know he wasn’t supposed to draw on the walls, or he really doesn’t understand why he can’t draw on the walls. After all, the walls are just standing there, all clean and white–aren’t they just begging for color?

He tries again the next day to draw his masterpiece because he figures yesterday’s spanking was a fluke. Besides, he really wants to use his new crayons, and as a 4-year-old, his ability to control his impulses is limited at best.

But, he gets spanked again. 

Now he’s fuming. He turns his anger–which he isn’t sure how to contain–towards his parent. This, in turn, inspires him to draw on the walls of the entire house; just to show how displeased he is. 

Naturally, this further escalates his parent’s response and everything gets blown way out of proportion. What was originally a spanking intended to make him stop coloring on the walls–evolved into another spanking and a lot more anger and frustration.

And what could possibly be next? Hopefully not another, even more aggressive spanking.

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Lying

Children who are spanked also tend to lie. 

Think about it. To a child, it makes sense to lie to a parent to dodge a painful or embarrassing consequence or avoid a parent’s disappointment. A little white lie–or even a big one–seems like the easier choice. 

We all want kids who tell the truth. But spanking undermines their motivation to come clean. If kids think they may be spanked for making a bad choice, why would they ever want to approach us with the truth? 

What if there’s something we need to know, like that our 4-year-old was jumping–uninvited–on the neighbor’s trampoline when she fell and broke her wrist? If she wasn’t supposed to be on the trampoline in the first place (especially without zipping the safety net closed and without adult supervision) and she’s accustomed to being spanked for not following instructions, she’s likely to hide the true cause of her injury. 

These omissions may not seem like a huge deal when kids are younger, but how will these situations play out when kids are older and the stakes are a lot higher?

Lying and spanking can become a vicious cycle. Lying can further motivate a parent to use spanking as a consequence, can undermine parent-child trust, and, ultimately, can damage the parent-child relationship by making children feel unworthy of our love. It’s best to choose a discipline strategy that doesn’t pose this risk.

Why Kids lie and How to Get them to tell the truth ebook

Aggression/Hitting

The Oxford Learner’s Dictionary’s definition of spanking is “a series of hits on the bottom, given to somebody, especially a child, as a punishment.”

A little “hit” on a child’s bottom may not be a life-changer and likely won’t instill life-long psychological trauma. Still, we want any discipline we use to be effective long-term–and we certainly don’t want it to be harmful.  

While we may be applying the Pavlov’s dog conditioning technique when we spank our children (through an attempt to make them stop their actions in fear of pain), the idea of teaching this through hitting is–at best–hypocritical. 

We certainly don’t want our children hitting us, or anyone else. Most parents would be appalled to get a call from school saying their son or daughter had been hitting kids on the playground. But from a child’s perspective, there’s no difference between being spanked and hitting a friend for taking away a toy. 

Despite even the best intentions, spanking teaches that hitting and aggression are appropriate ways to resolve conflict and vent frustration. So studies understandably show that children hit through spanking are prone to aggression. 

If a spanked child is showing aggression, it’s time to consider spanking’s harmful side effects.

Cognitive Effects

Spanking our children may also result in negative cognitive effects. 

A 2009 study from the University of New Hampshire said that children who were spanked had lower IQs than those who weren’t. 

Lasting cognitive effects on young, developing brains isn’t hard to imagine. After all, “…children who spend more time responding to conflicts…spend more time thinking with their primitive brain (which is mostly autonomous) than their cerebral brain, (which is mostly wired for logic).” Subsequently, “…they perform more poorly on cognitive tests designed to measure a child’s competency in using logic.” Ugo Uche, Psychology Today

A similar decade-old study from Duke University also concluded that children who were spanked had lower scores on tests that measured thinking when they were 3. The study went on to say “when parents use physical discipline through childhood, their children experience more behavior problems in adolescence.” 

While advocates of spanking usually insist there is a difference between spanking and abuse, it’s important to note these studies did look solely at spanking and not other forms of corporal abuse.

Adding Insult to Injury: Additional Effects of Spanking

It’s still likely that spanking with an object–like a stick or a belt–is going to be the most physically and mentally harmful to a child. But once again, what about a light spanking? Do we really need to worry about long-term side effects?

It doesn’t just matter how hard–or not–parents hit, or what tool may or may not be used. 

It can also be the intention behind spanking that’s a big problem.

Shame-Inducing

Shame is arguably one of the most uncomfortable feelings humans experience. It makes us want to hide in a corner, disappear, and pretend the situation never happened. 

It may seem like spanking a child with the intent of embarrassing and shaming her for her actions is teaching a good, memorable lesson. To some extent, embarrassment is just a part of life and a normal feeling to experience now and again. 

However, it isn’t necessary for a parent to shame or humiliate a child to make her understand she did something wrong. 

It isn't necessary to shame or humiliate a child
There are other much more effective ways to discipline our children that won’t lead them to believe they’re “bad kids” or make them feel unnecessarily shamed.

Public spanking is additionally humiliating for a child. Even though we often want to address misbehavior immediately and in the heat of the moment, it’s better to remove a child from public before dealing with the misbehavior. (This also gives both of you time to cool down and allows you to figure out what would be most helpful to your child.) 

Instead of spanking a four-year-old–in front of her friends and other parents–for opening her friend’s present at her friend’s birthday party, we should calmly take her outside and explain what she did wrong. It’s completely shameless–and much more effective.

Blameful

It’s certainly easy to blame our children for their misbehavior. After all, they’re the ones that came up with the bad ideas and executed them. It’s quite literally their fault. 

Even if it is their fault, there’s always a reason behind misbehavior. And blaming and spanking our kids won’t combat it.

Imagine your daughter screaming at her little brother. You enter the room just as she pushes him over. You immediately spank your daughter and blame her for bullying her brother. After all, she’s older and should know better. 

What you may not have seen was your son pulling your daughter’s hair three times before she’d had enough. 

We aren’t always there to witness what may have happened to cause misbehavior. Therefore, laying blame isn’t exactly fair. We also never know, without a doubt, what’s going through our kids’ minds. Even if a behavior is clearly unjustified, our kids are still learning how to manage their actions and emotions.  

We don’t want our kids to feel less worthy or less capable after misbehaving by inflicting blame. It just damages their self-confidence. Instead, we need kids to know that it’s not only okay–and normal–to make mistakes, but that those mistakes also help them make better choices in the future. 

This certainly doesn’t mean we should never apply consequences to misbehavior. Nor should we avoid teaching our kids self-reflection and humility. 
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But, instead of spanking your daughter and saying “What’s wrong with you?! You need to set a better example for your brother!” avoid spanking her and say, “I know you love your brother, and everybody makes mistakes sometimes. So let’s talk about what we can do differently next time.”

The thought of using a statement like this with a kid whose behavior is getting worse may not seem firm enough. But I’d like to emphasize that the kids who need encouragement the MOST get it the LEAST. This means the kid who always causes trouble and seems SO bad and is SO easy to blame–doesn’t need to be berated or spanked. Instead, he needs to be helped through positive parenting–and quickly. 

Angry/Threatening

To our children, we are big, knowledgeable, intimidating, and–to our younger ones especially–we are their world. As their guides, they rely heavily, and for a while even solely, on us. 

Because we have so much power, we can also–if we’re angry–be terrifying. Children are vulnerable, easily influenced, and prone to fear

When spanking comes from a place of anger, or even reaches the point of sounding threatening, our children are justifiably scared. We are stronger than them–a giant to them–and they feel powerless. 

Nothing can make a child feel further defeated than fear. And although we may want to “win” battles with our children over misbehavior, to do so in a way that makes them afraid, unsettled, and unstable? Now that can produce life-long psychological effects. 

The Harmful Effects Spanking Can Have on US

Unfortunately, the use of spanking can backfire and harm us just as much as our kids. 

Anything that adversely affects our children will adversely affect us. We want them to be happy. We want them to be healthy. We love them unconditionally. 

We also have the added responsibility of taking care of and parenting our kids in the best manner possible. So when our spanking causes them harm (or is ineffective at best), we’re left to pick up the pieces. 

Added Frustration

Nothing is worse than inflicting pain on our beloved children to no avail. When we spank our kids and don’t see any results, we are rightfully fed up with them and the situation.

Maybe we spank our kids and DO see some immediate results. But a few weeks later, the same misbehavior likely returns. The frustration from a lesson unlearned just adds to our parenting woes. 

Continued frustration can wear us all down, my friend. We need to be intentional about the discipline strategies we choose and make sure they aren’t adding unnecessary stress.

Remorse

Maybe we’ve spanked our children on occasion and haven’t felt an ounce of guilt. But when spanking increases misbehavior and decreases positive results, it’s also natural to question if spanking was the right choice. 

Guilt harms our confidence as parents and adds more unpleasantness to the emotional roller coaster we’re riding. 

My advice for you is to choose a discipline strategy that is not only positive and without harm, but EFFECTIVE. Our children will still learn tough lessons from positive parenting techniques, but it will be in a way that doesn’t risk harming your child physically or emotionally. Nor will it leave you questioning your choices.

Final Thoughts 

I’d like to share a quote with you from Astrid Lindgren, the author of Pippi Longstocking, that made a big impact on me when I first read it years ago: 

Above all, I believe that there should never be any violence. In 1978, I received a peace prize in West Germany for my books, and I gave an acceptance speech that I called just that: “Never Violence.” And in that speech I told a story from my own experience.

When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor’s wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn’t believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day, when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking-the first in his life. She told him that he would have to go outside himself and find a switch for her to hit him with.

The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, “Mama, I couldn’t find a switch, but here’s a rock that you can throw at me.”

All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from the child’s point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy into her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because if violence begins in the nursery one can raise children into violence.

– By Astrid Lindgren, author of Pippi Longstocking. Originally shared by Vivian Brault, founder of Directions, Inc.

Although I understand many parents feel the need to spank their children, my years of work as a positive parenting educator have helped me conclude that spanking is neither effective nor harmless as a discipline strategy. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s a light swat on the bottom or a painful strike with a belt. Spanking will always be a risky way to teach children to behave. And why would we want to take any more chances with our children’s futures than necessary?

So, please–I encourage you to take the first steps towards positive discipline today.

And remember–never violence.

Not sure what to do instead of spanking? JOIN ME FOR A FREE CLASS. You’ll not only learn how to implement fair, effective, and non-physical consequences for your children; you’ll start shedding remorse and frustration over the methods that have failed to work.

We are here for you on this wildly wonderful road of parenthood!

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