Getting eye rolls, slammed doors, or the cold shoulder from your tween or teen? You’re not alone. The tween and teen years are full of big feelings, changing priorities, and growing independence—and that can make parenting feel like a minefield.
In this article, we’ll explore 5 of the most common parenting mistakes (that are totally fixable!) and how to better support your child through these turbulent but transformative years.
1. Trying to Control Too Much
Kids in the tween and teen years are ready for increasing amounts of responsibility and privilege. Understandably though, parents can be terrified of letting go. As a result, we tend to “clamp down” and exert more control over our kids. This is where a lot of heated power struggles arise.
Instead of tightening your grip, respect your child’s need for autonomy and let go more and more as he grows older. Look for opportunities to give him more responsibility and let him practice his decision-making skills.
You could encourage your child to decide any of the following: after-school activities he’d like to participate in; which dinner he’d like to help cook each week; or when and how he’d like to complete his homework each evening.
When we empower our kids with age-appropriate choices, we give them a strong sense of confidence.
Make sure he knows the kind of behavior you expect from him, as well as what will happen if he decides to test your limits. The more he succeeds, however, the more leeway you can offer. With a little more control over his life, your tween or teen will thrive–and you’ll love seeing his confidence and independence grow.
2. Nagging Instead of Empowering
Why do even the most well-intentioned parents feel required to nag, direct, and get bossy with their kids?
Because if we don’t, nothing gets done. Am I right?
As frustrating as it is, this is the reality for most families.
Unfortunately, all of our well-intended reminding and directing usually results in those eye rolls, exasperated huffs, and slammed doors.
That’s because we fail to understand a fundamental truth bomb of parenting: Parent priorities are not the same as tween and teen priorities.
This seems completely obvious, but it’s at the core of most power struggles with your tween or teen. Think about it–they aren’t concerned about messy rooms, unloaded dishwashers, or piles of dirty laundry stacked in the closet. Those are parent priorities.
Your teen’s priorities are next week’s chemistry exam, posting her Instagram story in time to get plenty of views, and finding a dress for the Homecoming dance. The ins and outs of maintaining an orderly and chaos-free home don’t even register on her radar.
While it’s our job to teach our kids responsibility, if we try to do this by nagging and directing, we won’t get very far. In fact, we’ll have more power struggles than we ever bargained for.
If we want our kids to respect us, we need to respect them.
Ensure your requests are reasonable and phrased in a calm voice. Use phrases like, “What is your plan for completing (x)?” This demonstrates faith that they already have a plan in place. And even if they don’t, they can quickly save face and come up with a game plan on the spot.
You can still hold your child accountable for what you ask, but do so in a way that empowers her to learn from her choices.
Also, be sure to show appreciation when your tween/teen helps out–even if it’s for an “expected” job. Everyone wants to know they make a difference, and showing gratitude will go a long way in fostering a team spirit in your family.
Along those lines, I encourage parents to ditch the word “chores” and instead label tasks as “Family Contributions.” This simple change in terminology reminds kids that what they do to help out around the house is beneficial to the entire family–even if they don’t want to do it.
If you’re still having trouble getting your tween or teen to comply, here are 4 of my favorite strategies to increase your child’s cooperation.
3. Losing Connection During the Teen Years
It may seem like our tweens and teens don’t want to have anything to do with us. To a certain degree, this may be true. And yes, we need to start allowing them more independence.
But, during the transition from childhood to adulthood, our kids still need our guidance. Perhaps we have to sit shotgun and stop driving the car (literally and figuratively), but knowing we’re there to give directions–only if requested, of course–is crucial to their peace of mind.
Make sure your presence and availability is known, even if it feels like your kids are pushing you away. The backtalk may be unbearable, or their attitude hurtful, but it’s best not to completely retreat. If you see any openings in connection, seize them.
You can leave sticky notes around the house to remind them that you’re thinking of them or send them encouraging texts throughout the day–maybe in preparation for a big soccer game or play audition…or maybe just because. And why not stay relevant in the latest forms of communication and send a funny Snapchat while you’re at it?
Technology can actually be a great avenue for bonding with your kids–just be aware of how technology may be negatively affecting your family, too. With cell phones, video games, TV, and computers, kids–especially tweens and teens–spend an exorbitant amount of time staring at screens. If you notice technology taking the place of one-on-one quality time with your kids, start limiting usage to maintain that connection.
I know. Limiting usage will make you unpopular. But your one-on-one time together doesn’t need to be long (unless you both want it to be!). Just 10-15 minutes of undivided time between you and your child each day will do wonders for your connection with one other. Make sure you’re doing something that your child wants to do to ensure participation (unless, of course, all she wants to do with you is still stare at her phone).
Also, don’t abandon the “tuck in” concept. Yes, “tucking kids in” may be something we just do with our little ones, but the idea of spending quality time with our tweens and teens before bed–and setting them up for positive, peaceful sleep–is still relevant. We can read them a chapter from a chapter book, talk about their favorite–and least favorite–parts of the day, and even sneak in a cuddle. Whatever your tween or teen might suggest doing during this quiet time before bed is an amazing opportunity to connect.
4. Rescuing Kids Instead of Letting Them Fail
Anxiety is a leading problem in young adults today. Elementary school, middle school, and high school standards have only increased in recent years. Extracurricular activities and schedules have been amplified to an almost unmanageable pace. College applications, volunteer requirements, testing, scholarships…the pressures kids face are intense.
It’s tempting for parents to be overly invested in their kids’ success and rescue them from their struggles or intervene with teachers or coaches on their behalf.
Again, we need to have faith in our kids’ abilities and loosen the reins during this time. We need to step back and let our kids handle the increased responsibility. We need to let them learn to succeed on their own.
We also need to let them fail.
Added pressure and unreasonable expectations from parents may make your tweens and teens feel like failure is unacceptable, but embracing defeat is a crucial skill. Because failure of varying degrees will be an inevitable part of their lives, learning the skills to overcome adversity might be the most important lesson of all.