Thanks to members of “Single Parents of the Triangle” for joining our webinar last night. Listed below are the answers to the questions I didn’t have time to answer. I hope this helps!

Question: On Reminders and 2nd Chances…What about if the child has ADHD w/ODD? Should reminders be given at all? (This answer applies to ALL kids, not just children with learning differences.)

Answer: The 5 R’s of an Effective Consequence ensure that you don’t have to give reminders or 2nd chances. By revealing the consequence in advance and having the child repeat it back to you puts the monkey on the child’s back. He/she knows the rule and the consequence and can make the appropriate choice.

For children with ADHD, I encourage you to NOT provide reminders. Most likely, he/she doesn’t get reminders at school and certainly won’t in the work place.

When parents repeat, remind or give 2nd chances, we…

• Continue to “own” the problem/issue versus putting it on the child’s back
• Reinforce that we don’t mean what we say. The “rule” isn’t really a rule because Mom/Dad will always give me a reminder.
• Invite a power struggle. Remember – every reminder is a power struggle waiting to happen. Imagine your child “rolling his eyes” each time you offer a “helpful” reminder!
• Are more likely to get into the repeat, remind, repeat, remind, EXPLODE cycle we discussed last night.

Instead – have faith that your child WILL remember. Kids are much more capable than parents give them credit for. Remember this important quote: “A child who always forgets has a parent who always remembers!” (Put this on your fridge!)

If you are considered about your child’s ability to remember, instead of reminding, consider these ideas…

• Post the routine in places where he’ll see it. Allow the “list” to be the reminder, so YOU don’t have to remind.
• Use visual cues: Put a note on the TV that says… “Thanks for finishing homework before turning on the TV.” Or “Thanks for agreeing to turn off the video games when we ask!” Notice the note didn’t say anything about the consequence – however, it will provide a non-verbal reminder to your child.
• Not sure if your child is aware of the time element….this timer from TimeTimer.com is great because the child can see how much time is left. For older children, WatchMinder.com has a watch with several alarms that the child can set for key times throughout the day… 10 minutes until the bus comes, time to take medication, 15 minutes until lights out.

Have faith in your child. He likely doesn’t get reminders at school – so use the 5 R’s and let him prove to himself that he CAN remember and learn from his choices!

Re: ODD – Oppositional Defiance Disorder…the symptoms of ODD are consistent with the symptoms of a child who is deeply discouraged (lacking belonging and significance) and is exerting his/her need for power in negative ways. They include but are not limited to: frequent temper tantrums, consistently not listening to adult requests, anger and resentment. Very often, the symptoms of ODD are dramatically minimized when parents begin implementing the tools from the Positive Parenting Solutions Tool Box.

In some cases, psychological intervention and family counseling are required, but I encourage you to consider enrolling in the online course. When parents address the root cause of the behavior, instead of focusing on the “symptoms”, they very often see rapid improvements and you will certainly be armed with positive discipline strategies to deal more positively and effectively with the behavior issues.

Question: Lying…What are consequences for not telling the truth? My child lies all the time for no reason. I always say he won’t get punished if he tells the truth.

Answer: Remember the reasons that kids lie: they feel trapped, are afraid of punishment or rejection, feel threatened, or think that lying will make things easier. (The same reasons adults lie, by the way!)

Even when parents say that he won’t be punished for telling the truth…how does the child perceive it? Lying is actually a fairly “normal” response for kids… don’t want to be exposed to blame, shame or pain and they don’t want to look bad in your eyes.

Most often, situations with lying are an indication that the child is discouraged – does not feel a strong sense of belonging and/or significance. It also tells us that we have some work to do on building closeness and trust in the relationship.

Instead of focusing so much on the behavior (the lying), try to understand WHY it’s happening and focus on correcting the WHY.

Create a safe environment for the truth by focusing on solutions to solve the problem versus punishment.

A few tips for when you “catch” the child in a lie:

• Don’t “accuse” him of lying
• If you are fairly certain he/she is lying… say, “You know, that doesn’t sound like the truth to me. Most of us don’t tell the truth if we’re feeling trapped, scared, or threatened in some way. Why don’t we take a break and talk about this when you are calmed down. I want to help you work on solutions so I hope you’ll feel comfortable sharing what’s really going on. I’m here for you when ever you’re ready.”
• Then, deal with the problem – without blame, shame, pain or criticism. (That’s probably what he expects.) Focus on solutions and what your child needs to do to “make it right” – not on what “punishment” is in order.

If the lie sounds more like a “tall tale,” like “I scored 8 goals in the game today” or “I don’t know how my room got so messy – I cleaned it before I left for school this morning!” …don’t focus on the fact that his/her statement is a “lie.” Instead… stay clear of the lie and say… “What do you enjoy most about playing soccer?” or “What are you plans for getting your room cleaned now?”

Coming clean…when kids DO tell the truth, provide encouragement. Let them know that they are loved unconditionally and that no matter what happens, you will always love them. Remind them that telling the truth can be hard, even for adults, but it shows that he/she is really growing up. Of course – focus on solutions – on “making it right”, instead of on “making the child pay for his mistake.”

To learn more, please visit www.PositiveParentingSolutions.com.

Tagged as: not listening, power struggle, tantrum