Thanks to all of you who joined the “Get Kids to Listen without Nagging , Reminding and Yelling” webinar last night. Due to the number of parents participating, I wasn’t able to answer all the questions. The remaining questions and answers are below:
Q: My five year old seems to have poor impulse control when frustrated and at times I see my 3 year old as “victim” instead of participant. Perhaps I need to take a better look at how he has instigated her, but I would like to have a better consequence for her when she hurts him. For example, she left a scratch mark on his face last week when he irritated her. We haven’t yet effectively assisted her with controlling her impulse to express her frustration without physically hurting him.
A: This is a very common situation and it’s understandable to view your younger child as a “victim.” However, when you perceive her to be the victim, you likely respond to her as the victim. Very quickly the roles of “victim” and “aggressor” can develop between your two kids and these roles can linger into adulthood.
The “victim” learns that she gets attention by being the victim. The “aggressor” learns to use power in negative ways. We want to focus on strategies that do NOT reinforce victim and aggressor roles.
There are a number of strategies to address sibling fighting – all of which are discussed in Session 5 of the online course. Begin by ignoring the fighting as much as possible. As long as they aren’t physically hurting each other – just stay out of it. Right now, they know that when one screams – mom/dad get involved. (Big payoff!) Every time we intervene in their fights, we rob them of the opportunity to work it out on their own.
You also want to train both kids on conflict resolutions skills. This is especially important if we’re going to ignore the fighting. We have to equip our kids to work it out since we’re no longer getting involved.
Note – there are times when we do have to get involved, (Again, the when and HOW are covered in detail in Session 5 of our online parenting classes) but those times should be few and far between.
If the kids can’t work it out on their own, it may be time for “All in the Same Boat” consequences. We discussed this in the webinar and it means “all participants experience the same consequence.” Your new mantra should be… “It doesn’t matter who starts the fight, all that matters is who participates.” Remember: Our kids have a choice.
There is so much to learn about Sibling Rivalry – the root cause, how parents contribute, the 4 Sibling Rivalry Solutions and much more. I hope this gives you a place to start!
Re: Impulse control: Ask the teachers if they observe the same issues at school. If so, it is something to keep an eye on for the future. He’s only 5 and it’s very common – most likely his impulse control will improve with age. If not, there are resources to help with training in this area.
Q: Our kids follow behind and argue when we try to implement consequences. They will follow and just keep at it.
A: Your kids can argue, debate and negotiate all they want – but YOU will determine whether it gets them anywhere! If you respond, try to explain your position, or otherwise engage in the power struggle they’re initiating, you are providing a PAYOFF for the arguing and negotiating – and it WILL continue! Use the process we covered in the webinar for implementing consequences. By using the 5 R’s – especially asking them to repeat back the rule and consequence, that will greatly minimize future negotiating and arguing.
Q: Is refusing to eat what’s for dinner considered a misbehavior? (3 yr. old)
A: No, it really isn’t a misbehavior as much as the beginning of a power struggle. Eating is one of three areas in which toddlers have legitimate power and they use it to exert their hard-wired need for power and some “control” over their lives. The other two ways are sleeping and pottying. We can’t make our kids eat, sleep or potty – that is totally in their control and they know it. (See blog post on “Shift the Power Paradigm”)
When it comes to mealtimes and eating in general, remove the power payoff by not coaxing, forcing, or encouraging her to eat. She WILL eat if she is hungry. Don’t say a word about the food. Just provide healthy foods, including something that you know she likes and then don’t say a word.
Right now, she knows that refusing to eat what is served is a way to exert her power. Disengage from the power struggle. If she eats, fine. If not, she WON’T starve by morning, I promise! If she chooses to not eat at dinner, no snacks before bedtime. (You can reveal this in advance as we discussed with consequences, so it’s no surprise.)
This is a classic power struggle – again, power struggles and how to tame them are discussed in detail in Sessions 3 & 4 of the online parent education course.
Q: My child runs away when I try to put him to bed or keeps getting out of bed.
A: This is a bigger issue of bedtime power struggles. There is a lot to cover on this topic (much more than I can adequately offer in a blog post) including the root cause for bedtime power struggles, how parents escalate the misbehavior and what you can do to put an end to the bedtime hassles. We’re covering detailed answers to this question and others at the Bedtime Blues Webinar on Wednesday, January 20th. I highly recommend it for sleep deprived parents of children ages 6 months – 6 years who struggle with bedtime/sleep issues.
Again, thank you for your active participation in the webinar! Please let us know if we can help you with your parenting needs.
Amy McCready is a highly sought-after parenting coach, speaker, consultant and author of “If I Have To Tell You One More Time…The Revolutionary Program To Get Kids To Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling”. After taking time off from her career to raise her two sons (now teenagers), she founded Positive Parenting Solutions in 2004 to help educate parents on how to effectively communicate and connect with their children. Through her online parenting courses, live webinars and speaking engagements, Amy has gained widespread attention and has been called upon as an expert by numerous media outlets, including NBC’s TODAY Show, The New York Times, The Rachael Ray Show, Fox & Friends and MSNBC.
