You’ve probably already seen the video of the Dad who posted a YouTube video rant to his daughter in response to her recent Facebook tirade. In her Facebook post, the daughter spews her disgust for being required to do so many family chores, to the point where, “I have no idea how I have a life.” Dad’s emotional YouTube rant ends with him shooting bullet holes through her laptop. As I watched the video, my heart broke for the whole family.
Some are hailing the Dad as a “parenting hero”. Is he a parenting hero or are we just so sick and tired of ungrateful kids who feel entitled to have everything handed to them on a platter without any effort on their part and without gratitude in return?
While we don’t know the whole story, Dad may have a legitimate gripe about his daughter’s unwillingness to contribute graciously around the house and her ungrateful attitude for the many privileges and luxuries she was afforded. However, it’s important to remember that kids are NOT BORN WITH AN ATTITUDE OF ENTITLEMENT. It’s easy to call the daughter a spoiled, entitled brat, but this doesn’t happen in a vacuum and parents are also culpable.
Before we make snap judgments, there are plenty of unanswered questions about the parenting style and family dynamic over the years…
- Has Dad always emphasized the importance of kids contributing to the household or was this a recent edict as he’s grown tired of doing all the heavy lifting?
- Are the chores that she’s expected to complete on a daily basis reasonable given her academic workload?
- When she does complete family chores, does her father express appreciation for her contributions? (Everyone wants to feel appreciated.)
- How has conflict been handled over the years? Were disagreements between parents and kids resolved with respectful and reasonable discussion or with a “you’ll do because I said so” approach?
- What about “stuff”? Has she been given things over the years (IPod, computer, Smartphone, etc.) without an expectation that she would have to contribute financially for at least a portion of the cost?
- How would she describe her relationship with her father? Does she feel heard? Understood? If not, it’s a recipe for power struggles.
There is a lot that we don’t know about this story, but what we do know is that beneath this father’s anger are feelings of hurt and betrayal. (BTW – Anger is a secondary emotion – usually a response to hurt.)
This situation has escalated from a power struggle (which was likely brewing for years) to a classic revenge cycle. The daughter’s Facebook tirade was intended to hurt her father. (Even though she may have “blocked him” from Facebook access, she had to know he would see it – she posted it on the Internet!) Dad increased the ante in another act of revenge with his video rant on YouTube.
We can all appreciate his feelings of hurt and anger, but his response did nothing to solve the problem for the future and most likely put an even deeper wedge between himself and his daughter. He modeled the exact behavior that was so appalling to him.
The lesson for the rest of us…an attitude of entitlement is a co-created experience. Young people don’t flip a switch and suddenly become entitled. We can’t expect teenagers to contribute around the house, be grateful, to demonstrate hard work and fiscal responsibility unless we emphasize those as core family values from the time they are in preschool.
We can’t expect kids to treat us with respect unless we treat them with respect. Wait, I take that back. We can DEMAND that they respect us – but unless we reciprocate and MODEL RESPECT – we MAY get respect in the short term, but we aren’t going to foster the loving, communicative, respectful relationships we want to have with our kids long term.
This family needs help to get back to the loving and respectful relationship I’m sure they all want. I sincerely hope they will seek family counseling.
What do you think? How does this family go on from here?
So, how can we help you?
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Amy,
Thank you for this post. I considered writing a response to this sensationalized event on my own site, but you have summed up my thoughts exactly. Your opening question to parents hit the proverbial nail on the head. Many parents are fed up with ungrateful children, but have we created this monster? This man’s act of retaliation appeals to some parents’ sense of a loss of authority – an attempt to even of the scores. Thank you for taking an insightful stand on this hot topic.
Laura Kuehn, MSW, LCSW
I think there are many ways to teach children how to respect their parents and probably the best, in my opinion, is to model respectful behavior. Give your children the respect they earn/deserve and expect them to do the same in return. Start teaching them to be respectful at a very young age and don’t accept anything less as they grow up by holding them accountable when they don’t reach the standard. When I was a child every adult’s first name was either Sir or Mam, Mr., Mrs or Miss. As for holding them accountable be very careful how many times you use humiliation to teach a lesson. While it’s true that humiliation can teach humility, too much and the lesson is replaced with contempt, anger, distrust. I think the best way to teach any child, and lest you think I don’t know I have 4 daughters of my own, is with compassion, love firmness and consideration. If you start communicating both expectations and compassion at a very young age you open up a line of dialog that will serve well into those difficult teen years. It also never hurts to put a lot of hugs into your children and let them know that you care without anger, disappointment, rejection. The first lesson in child rearing is unconditional love which leads to consideration and respect. If we give those things we will get good in return. Pick your battles wisely and be firm when you draw the line or that will lead to distrust –> disrespect. Be a parent in other words.
As for Mom putting a picture with an X on facebook or a father shooting his daughter’s laptop, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?. Two extremen behaviors that I don’t think either wants their child to model so what did the action teach the child – that sometimes mom or dad can act like a fool – what, because they can. For all of the parents out there who connected with the parental frustration that led to both incidents, believe me when I say I can relate, I do, afterall, have teen age daughters, but as parents we are supposed to be the voice or reason not the voice of ridiculous. If you ask the one child what she took away is that her dad will use his gun to resolve conflict, not a great lesson in my book and if you ask the other, who is now the laughing stock at her school, and if you think that incident won’t be remembered, think again, she will tell you that now not only has she lost some respect for a parent who acted out of anger, not out of love, she would also tell you she doesn’t trust her. Oh, and by the way, both have now got a good precedent for outrageous behavior for when they have children of their own. Both of the lessons here were suboptimal so why do it.
Respect is not something you start teaching at 13 or 12 or 15. Respect has to be taught from day one, as early as you can sense that your baby understands what goes on around them. Treat them with love, respect them and you will get both love and respect back from them.
Also, some “responsabilities” around the house from an early age (doing your own bed, picking up after yourself, helping in the kitchen, etc.) have not killed anyone.