Thanks to BreezyMama for hosting last night’s webinar: Why Time Out is a Waste of Time!

There were so many great questions and I didn’t have time to answer all of them. The answers to the remaining questions are below…

Q: Kids have a hard wired need for attention. What happens when you already give them attention and they still demand more?

There is a difference between an appropriate need for attention and “undue attention”. Undue attention is when kids demand attention when it’s not appropriate – you give them a big fill of attention, you do it consistently – but they continue to demand your attention. Session 4 in our online course helps you identify “undue attention” behaviors and gives you several tools to eliminate the behaviors. Step 1 is ignoring demands for undue attention as much as possible. However, recognize that your kids may have already ratcheted up their response from undue attention to power. Learning how to give positive power and to diffuse negative power struggles is covered in the online course in great detail.

Q: Sibling Rivalry. There were a lot questions about sibling rivalry, fighting and competition. This is a very broad topic but some issues to consider are listed below:

Victim vs. Aggressor: Be very careful to not “label” your kids as the “victim” or the “aggressor”. This is a very common situation and it’s understandable to view the younger or smaller child as a “victim.” However, when you perceive her to be the victim, you likely respond to her as the victim. Very quickly the roles of “victim” and “aggressor” can develop between kids and these roles can linger into adulthood.

The “victim” learns that she gets attention by being the victim. The “aggressor” learns to use power in negative ways. We want to focus on strategies that do NOT reinforce victim and aggressor roles.

There are a number of strategies to address sibling fighting – all of which are discussed in Session 5 of the online course. Begin by ignoring the fighting as much as possible. As long as they aren’t physically hurting each other – just stay out of it. Right now, they know that when one screams – mom/dad get involved. (Big payoff!) Every time we intervene in their fights, we rob them of the opportunity to work it out on their own.

You also want to train your children on conflict resolutions skills. This is especially important if we’re going to ignore the fighting. We have to equip our kids to work it out since we’re no longer getting involved.

Note – there are times when we do have to get involved, (Again, the when and HOW are covered in detail in Session 5) but those times should be few and far between.

If the kids can’t work it out on their own, it may be time for “All in the Same Boat” consequences. That means, “All participants experience the same consequence.” Your new mantra should be… “It doesn’t matter who starts the fight, all that matters is who participates.” Remember: Our kids have a choice.

There is so much to learn about Sibling Rivalry – the root cause, how parents contribute, the 4 Sibling Rivalry Solutions and much more. I hope this gives you a place to start!

Q: Hitting & Biting: There were several questions about hitting and biting by young children – 3 and under.

See my comments above about “victim” and “aggressor” roles. Remove the biter and bitee from the situation. Don’t “overly” console the bitee – that reinforces that there is a lot of attention and power in being the victim.

For kids under the age of 3, biting is more of a “training” issue than misbehavior. Consider the following suggestions:

• Supervise closely! Watch closely for the behavior and notice what typically happens before the biting/ hitting. Is there a pattern?
• If you catch it before it happens, cup your hand over your mouth or touch your face and say “Gentle! Hug please!” or “Thank you for being gentle.” A big lecture isn’t helpful – keep it simple: one word with a one-year-old; two words with a two-year-old, etc.
• After biting/hitting occurs, intervene quickly and calmly. For children under the age of 3, one of the 4 R’s works best:

Remove from situation
Remove the item
Redirect attention
Redirect activity

Q: Using the example of the 5 R’s for appropriate use of the video game…What do you do if the child refuses to turn off the game?

You CALMLY turn it off. Remember – video/tv/computers are privileges. If the rules for using those privileges aren’t respected, then the video/tv/computer can be put away until everyone is clear on the rules. The key is revealing the rules and consequences in advance! Then, the responsibility is on the child’s back – not yours.

Q: What if after implementing the consequence, the child has a tantrum?

That’s fine. Let him/her have the tantrum. You did your job in revealing the rule and consequence in advance. As long as you implemented the consequence with dignity and respect, then let the tantrum roll. Assuming the child is safe or not destroying property – don’t try to stop it or intervene – that only proves that there is extraordinary attention and power in throwing a tantrum.

Q: What about public tantrums?

Same thing – either move to a corner of the store or out to the car and let the tantrum happen. Another new mantra: Your child has a right to have a tantrum – you have the right not to participate. It’s a beautiful thing.

Q: How do you ignore a tantrum when they are climbing on you, pulling at you (literally pulling my pajamas off in the process) while trying to ignore them? I’ve moved her to another room. I’ve set her in front of TV. I’ve picked her up and offered her 5 minutes then on with my tasks, But it never ends. I really need help with this. PLEASE.

A: This may be more than I can address in a blog post without knowing more about your child’s specific situation. It sounds like you are providing too much “payoff” (attention and power) when the tantrum happens – ex. Picking her up, moving her to another room, putting her in front of TV, etc.

The first thing to do is to make sure her hard-wired need for belonging and significance are met. Right now, she’s getting a lot of attention and power for negative behaviors. Be sure to proactively fill her attention basket with lots of positive attention and find opportunities to give her POSITIVE power – more choices, training on “grown up tasks”, etc.

This is another situation that is so much more complex than I can appropriately cover in a blog post. I strongly encourage you to consider the online course. Negative power behaviors don’t go away unless you address the root cause – they morph into other negative behaviors.

Remember the process for correcting misbehavior permanently…we have to address:

• Hard-wired need for belonging and significance
• Parent’s contribution to the misbehavior (Sorry, but parents often unknowingly make it worse!)
• “In the moment” or behavior-specific strategies (like consequences)
• Long-term empowerment strategies to foster capability, responsibility and independence

Thanks again for joining the webinar last night!

Tagged as: power struggles, sibling rivalry