In Part 1 of Do’s and Don’ts to End Hitting and Biting for Good we discussed the best ways to address hitting and biting in toddlers. This post will address what you should do for kids OVER the age of 3.
To start, you should follow the same guidelines for children under the age of 3, PLUS make sure to reveal the consequences for hitting and biting in advance:
- State that the behavior is unacceptable and be specific. Say, “It’s not okay to hit/bite” versus, “Play nicely”.
- Reveal consequences in advance. When everyone is calm, reveal the consequence if the behavior happens again: “If you choose to hit or bite your friends, the play date will be over and we will go home immediately.” Or “If you choose to hit or bite, you will lose the privilege of playing at the playground and you’ll have to go inside.”
- Close the loop. Be sure she understands the rule and consequence by asking her to repeat it back to you – “Tell me in your own words what will happen if you hit/bite?”
- Express confidence. “I have confidence that you’ll remember and be able to enjoy your playground time!
- Follow through each and every time. Once you reveal the consequence and he repeats it back to you, there’s no need for second chances or reminders. If he chooses to hit or bite, immediately and calmly implement the consequence. “I see you made the decision to leave the play date.” It’s a statement of fact, not something that you are “doing to” your child.
Hitting and biting is stressful for parents and kids, but remaining calm, implementing consequences that don’t reinforce the behavior and taking time to train the child on alternative strategies will yield the best results long term.
This is the first of a two part post on the Do’s and Don’ts to bring hitting and biting to an end. This post will discuss what to do for kids under the age of three. The next post will address what to do for children 3 and older.
Parents are understandably concerned when their sweet, little one begins hitting and biting other children or mom and dad. Of course, it hurts, but we also secretly worry that our once loving and compliant child may become aggressive and will eventually be the preschool bully. It’s rarely that serious, but hitting and biting should be nipped early before it becomes a pattern of behavior when it’s much more challenging to correct.
For kids UNDER the age of three, hitting and biting is more of a training issue than it is a “misbehavior.” To a frustrated toddler with limited vocabulary and few social skills, taking a bite out of mom or dad’s arm or hitting a playmate who refuses to give up a favored toy seems perfectly logical. Our job is to train the child for better behavior in the future without creating a payoff that may cause the hitting and biting to continue and possibly escalate.
Here are a few Do’s and Don’ts to end hitting and biting:
DON’T spank or slap a child for hitting or biting. It reinforces that hitting is okay and models exactly the behavior you’re trying to stop.
DO supervise closely. You can probably tell when your toddler is getting frustrated or tired. When that’s the case, end the play date or swiftly remove him from the situation before it escalates to hitting or biting.
DO remain calm. It’s understandable to be upset when you see your toddler hurt another child, but you’ll get better results by remaining calm. When you get upset and raise your voice, your child gets a big dose of attention for a negative behavior. Even negative attention is very reinforcing and almost guarantees the behavior will continue. If your toddler hits or bites someone else, calmly remove him from the situation and use simple words – “No Hitting” or “Biting Hurts”.
Decide what YOU will do. Try as you might, you can’t “force” your child to NOT hit or bite. All you can do is decide what YOU will do when that happens. When your toddler hits or bites you, calmly put him down without eye contact and walk out of the room. This isn’t letting the child “get away” with the behavior; it’s creating a consequence that a young child can understand. The consequence is “when I hit or bite, mom goes away.” It also ensures that you’re not providing attention that reinforces the negative behavior. Take comfort that you’re not abandoning your child. As soon your toddler can speak calmly and kindly and use gentle touch with you, you are happy to interact with him again.
DO practice alternative strategies. Have pretend play dates with stuffed animals and practice what she can do when she gets frustrated. She can walk away, ask for help or use her words to say how she feels. Being able to use these conflict resolution strategies in the heat of the moment won’t happen over night, but practicing them early and often is the key.
DON’T force the child to apologize. A toddler’s “I’m sorry’s” are rarely heartfelt. When he is calm, talk about what he can do to “make it right” or “make the injured party feel better.” Coloring a picture or demonstrating an act of kindness teaches your child to take responsibility for his actions and shows empathy for the other person.
Look for Part 2 to learn the Do’s and Don’ts for children ages 3 and older.
Figuring out how to take care of children after you separate is perhaps one of the most stressful aspects of divorce. However, when decisions about your children’s future get handed over to the legal system, without a doubt children will suffer. In order to stay in control of how life changes for your children, keep the following tips in mind.
Avoid a cookie cutter approach to life after divorce.
One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make is instead of making a plan that fits their children’s lives, they try to make their children lives fit a plan.
Do your best to base decisions around your CHILDREN’S needs. What works for one family might not work for you. Before developing arrangements, think about what life was like for your kids BEFORE the divorce.
Ask yourself, how will you maintain your child’s active relationship with both parents? How will you provide them with flexible structure? For example, if Dad took Billy to baseball practice every Tuesday and Thursday then he should continue doing that. If Mom picks up the kids every afternoon because Dad works till 6 o’clock, do your best to maintain those routines and connections for your kids.
It may also help to put things into perspective and take a look at the big picture. How will the choices you are making today affect your children’s lives one year from now, five years from now?
Bottom line: Think outside the box. Don’t limit your options to court based solutions.
Support a two home concept.
Children benefit MOST when they feel connected to BOTH homes. Don’t talk about one home as their “real” home and the other household as a place to visit. If you can’t provide your children with their own room then create a special space where they can keep their things and find them when they’re with you.
It’s also important to avoid using legalese, ditch words like visit, visitation, custody, possession residential parent non-residential parent etc. Instead talk about time with Mom, time with Dad, Mom’s house, Dad’s house and instead of custody arrangements use phrases like parenting schedules or parenting time.
Don’t be a broker of time.
Arrangements should NOT be about fairly dividing the hours and minutes of your children’s day-to-day lives. Avoid focusing exclusively on how much time Johnny is spending with you, instead put your energy into thinking about how you will make Johnny’s time with you meaningful. Parents often ask me if sharing equal time between homes is a good idea. My answer is usually that depends. Equal time in each household is not going to help your kids if they are living in the middle of a war zone.
The key to success is developing a relationship with your ex that places CHILDREN as the TOP priority. That means having good communication skills and the ability to be flexible with one another.
Really anything is possible when parents are able to let their feelings about each other take backseat to making life work for their kids.
What tips or ideas do you have for parenting together while living apart?
Christina McGhee, internationally acclaimed divorce coach and parent educator, has devoted her career to helping children and families successfully manage the challenges of divorce and separation. Christina’s upcoming book: PARENTING APART: How separated and divorced parents can raise happy and secure kids will be released in August 2010 from Penguin Books. For helpful articles and resources, visit: http://www.divorceandchildren.com.
The simple answer is now. Today is a good day to begin raising confident and resilient kids whether yours are 2 or 20. If that sounds confusing, allow me to explain.
Resilience and confidence are cumulative skills. They’re what I like to call building block skills. If your children are small, allowing them to make simple choices early on boosts their sense of self-reliance. Every opportunity your child has to attempt a new task, undertake a new challenge, whether she succeeds or not, she’s building resilience and confidence. Of course, it’s easy to understand the connection between success and self-assurance, but how does an unmet challenge support those skills? Merely by creating a reference point – that mistakes and failed opportunities are disappointing but not the end of the world. The self-knowledge she gains will be the foundation, the resilience she can rely on for years to come.
If quite a few years have gone by and your child is not as resilient and confident as you hoped they’d be, don’t worry. It’s never too late to start. You can begin to allow and realistically expect them to make choices and be responsible for the outcome of their choices. You’ll always be there to love and support your child, but by taking a step back as they take a step forward, you’ll be encouraging the growth of those building block skills one day at a time.
Reina S. Weiner is a speaker, mentor and author of “Strong From the Start – Raising Confident and Resilient Kids” (on Amazon). www.reinaweiner.com
Getting kids to eat what the family eats – without battles and tantrums is a popular issue with parents. Positive Parenting Solutions offers these 3 strategies to avoid mealtime battles:
Your toddler probably believes that you hold the power in your family…you call all the shots and make all the decisions. However, the three areas where parents have absolutely no control and children have the all the power are eating, sleeping and peeing/pooping! Try as we might, we can’t MAKE them eat, sleep or potty.
Kids hold the control in these areas and as a result they represent prime opportunities for toddler power struggles. Battles over eating, sleeping or pottying are a child’s way of saying, “Hey, you’re not the boss of me! You can’t MAKE me eat/sleep/potty!”
And he’s right! A parent can’t MAKE a child eat but the parent continues to try! And…the power struggle ensues. After repeated coaxing, reminding, and begging – the child understands that this is a very effective way to exert power over his parents.
The 3 best strategies to end the power struggles over eating are…
1. Get your toddler involved! Allow your child to have input in planning the family menu for the week – encourage him to select the vegetable or fruit. For each meal, give your child a meaningful role in meal preparation. For young toddlers, it can be as simple as removing grapes from the stem or washing veggies. Older toddlers can contribute to more complex aspects of meal preparation – measuring, stirring, etc. The more your child is involved in the planning and preparation, the more invested he will be in the meal.
2. Make “eating” the CHILD’s problem not YOURS! When toddlers refuse to eat the family meal or have a tantrum about what is served, it usually invokes a response from the parent – either “coaxing” to get the child to “just try it” or a display of frustration or anger. This attention gives the child a huge “power payoff.” Instead, put the child on notice that “you are no longer going to badger him about what he eats.” Let him know that “he is ‘growing up’ and can choose to eat what is served or not – either way, you are fine with it. But – you won’t be serving any other food until the next normally scheduled snack or meal.” This becomes the logical consequence – the child will eat at dinner/lunch – or he will be hungry.
3. STOP any discussion about what he eats, or how much he eats. What he eats – is his problem, not yours. Plan a healthy meal and include at least one healthy item you know he will eat. Don’t ask him to try one bite, don’t encourage him to eat more. If he eats – that’s great. If not – he’ll be hungry. That’s fine too. (Children will not starve by missing one meal – I promise!) Let him know that dinner ends at 6:30 (or whatever time) and remove the plates from the table. (Otherwise, he will try to outlast you hoping that you will provide food that is more to his liking). If he played with his food and didn’t eat – he’ll have an opportunity to try again at the next meal.
If he has a tantrum because “he’s staaaarving” – be totally unconcerned and go about your business. Remember that he gets a “payoff” when you REACT to his tantrum. Remove the payoff by ignoring the tantrum. Remind him that humans can survive for days without food but be sure to drink water because he does need to hydrate! Don’t reward the tantrum with a snack or the behavior will continue the next day and beyond!
As difficult as the Terrible Twos are for you, they’re even more frustrating for your toddler. A toddler can’t articulate what he really needs, but if he could, he would say:
“Mom, Dad, I know you guys are really stressed right now. You’re frustrated and feel that nothing you try is working to end my terrible twos. I know you’re overwhelmed and you really don’t want to yell at me all the time. You probably even wonder who stole your ‘little bundle of joy’. But, I’m trying let you know what I really need – but you’re not ‘getting it’! I’m trying to tell you that although I’m just a toddler, I need some power of my own. I’m starting to grow up and I need to do some things for myself. You do everything for me and make every decision for me. I’m not a baby anymore.
Since I’m only a toddler and can’t quite put all of this into words, all I can do is whine, refuse to cooperate, act helpless and have tantrums and meltdowns. I’ve figured out that I can really get your attention when we’re in public. But none of my efforts are working. You just think I’m going through the ‘Terrible Twos’. I get extremely frustrated so I do my “terrible twos” antics louder and more often just hoping you’ll get the picture. I know I’m only a toddler, but I need my own power. I need to feel independent and I need to make some of my own decisions.
I wish you would figure this out so I can stop this toddler behavior!”
Children don’t misbehave just to misbehave. They act out because they want something. They are probably receiving tons of attention from you but they need more. Yes, believe it or not, they need power. It’s hard to understand that a toddler needs power…but they do. It’s part of the maturation process.
Positive Parenting Solutions will teach you why children misbehave, how you may be unknowingly making the misbehaviors worse and what you can do to bring the terrible twos to an end. You don’t have to “wait it out”.
Click here to learn more.
